What is an appropriate punishment?

[It'sWDW4me]

Another thread got me thinking...

What is an appropriate punishment for when your child acts out at school?

What would you do if your elementary school aged child came home with a note from the teacher stating that he/she refuses to:

1. Cooperate in class?
2. Hasn't done homework (and has been telling you "I don't have any homework tonight" or he/she won't even write assignments into or bring home his/her agenda book) for two solid weeks?
3. Throws food in the cafeteria?
4. Talks back to/spits at the teacher or other authority figure?
5. Hits another student or, heaven forbid, an authority figure?

How about a middle schooler? High schooler?

What has worked, or not worked, for you in instilling in your children the proper respect and attitude towards school and educators?

[Bethis26fan]

I'm not a parent but I wanted to comment on the homework part. A friend on mine when I was in school wouldn't do his homework. His mom got with the teacher & He had to get the teacher to sign off on his agenda when he wrote it down or if there was none in there. He hated being diffrent than everyone else in the classes & started doing his homework too and he didn't have to do it anymore. It sorta of made him feel like a baby in front of all his friends having to get his book signed by the teacher every day.

[Missy_Mouses_Dad]

Our school district has an online "parent portal" where it is mandatory for the teachers to log in assignments/tests/etc, with the point values, points earned, and so on. Not that it has been a problem, but I know before dd gets home what her homework is. It has helped a few times when a teacher has logged the incorrect grade for dd.

As far as punishment is concerned. Extra-curriculars are the first to go, than the computer and cell phone. Not necessarily in that order, depending on what has occurred. Luckily dd is a 4.2 student (scale of 4.0), so this hasn't reared its' ugly head..yet...knock on wood.

[GoinGoofyPlanninThisTrip]

Two words...Military School.

[MNNHFLTX]

Well, I think statement #2 is not of the same level at the rest of the statements. Any behavior that disrupts a class or potentially harms another person should definitely be dealt with more severely and by the school as well as the parents. Personally I think any child with persistent disruptive or aggressive behavior needs to be removed from that environment and placed in an alternative environment until they demonstrate acceptable behavior. There should be involvement of parents, teachers and students to determine an action plan. As far as more minor offenses related to school (not doing homework, for example), I think each child is different. For some kids, restricting privileges works, for other more guidance/structure is called for. There is no pat answer.

[TiggerD]

When my kids were little, anytime and I mean anytime they acted up, something got taken away for at least two weeks. At one point when our youngest was a young teen, we took, tv, phone, no friends allowed over and not allowed to visit friends, no computer except for homework and only put on to do homework and in the kitchen at the table with me, looking over shoulder and then computer turned off, this went on for 1 month and believe me, he changed his attitude and is now a successful business man. If necessary, get tough love, later on in life, he will thank you for it. If all else fails, definetely military school and you have a margharita.

[mickeys_princess_mom]

As a teacher, I admire your effort to discipline your child and let them know the misbehavior is not acceptable. Sooo many times we are not backed up by parents, and are on our own, or lambasted for correcting students. The value that you put on education is a huge factor in your child's success at school.

[Tinkerfreak]

We also take away the cell phones, ipods, game boys, etc. and the amount of time they lose it depends on what rule they broke and if it is the first time etc. When we caught DD texting after her designated time to turn off her phone we increased the amount of time she lost her phone, when that did not stop the problem we just blocked her from being able to text at all. After going the entire summer with no texting she is super careful about turning her phone off at 8:00. Once she realized we meant business and that we absolutely would not back down or give in she realized if she wanted to text she needed to follow the rules.

[alphamommy]

We had problems with DD9 not completing work that was supposed to be done in class during second grade. The worksheets were sent home for her to do, but she started hiding them in the bottom of her backpack.

When we figured out what she was doing, we started searching her backpack every day. Everything was removed by either me or DH, all the unfinished work was collected, and she had to do it (with me in the room) before she could do anything else after school.

The threat that we might search her backpack has kept her honest since then on the homework front.

[Georgesgirl1]

My parents used logical consequences as much as possible for us when we were little. I was involved in a food fight once (my one time in the principal's office) and my punishment was to write an apology note to my teacher, the principal, and the custodian and I had to help the custodian clean up the cafeteria for a couple of days. One time my brother got caught drawing rude pictures of his classmates on the desk and he had to clean all of the desks in his classroom with clorox and a scrub brush with the understanding that if he did it again he would be cleaning all the desks in the whole school! If we broke something on purpose we would have had to do chores to buy a new one. You get the idea.
I don't know what the logical punishment for spitting at a teacher is though.

[crazypoohbear]

Some of these issues sound like he could have learning disabilities that are frustrating him and causing him to act out.
I would have him tested before doing anything else.

[Dakota Rose]

IMO, behaviours 1,3 and 4 indicate some sort of emotional or psychological issue at school. So all the punishing in the world won't have effect until those underlying issues are addressed.

Behvaviour #5 would seem a logical progression if the other 3 aren't addressed.

#2 would be handled by consequences and fines in our house. The two together work very well for us.

But the other ones listed need a different sort of discipline, I think.

[Tink2002]

Just want to throw this out there - I think with young children that it's just as important to help teach them the RIGHT things to do as it is to follow through with consequences for doing the wrong things. The two have to be done together. Whether it's a two-year-old pushing a friend on the daycare playground or a five-year-old saying something inappropriate, they need to know what the right way to handle a situation is in addition to knowing that the behavior was wrong. Sometimes, for whatever reason (maybe a learning disability, but maybe just age and circumstance, too, you can't be too quick to judge) they just don't have the tools to handle things. If they're just punished time and time again they may even start to identify themselves as "the kid who gets in trouble" and act out even more.

whew

[Mickey'sGirl]

Just want to throw this out there - I think with young children that it's just as important to help teach them the RIGHT things to do as it is to follow through with consequences for doing the wrong things. The two have to be done together. Whether it's a two-year-old pushing a friend on the daycare playground or a five-year-old saying something inappropriate, they need to know what the right way to handle a situation is in addition to knowing that the behavior was wrong. Sometimes, for whatever reason (maybe a learning disability, but maybe just age and circumstance, too, you can't be too quick to judge) they just don't have the tools to handle things. If they're just punished time and time again they may even start to identify themselves as "the kid who gets in trouble" and act out even more.

whew

I absolutely agree with you. As a parent of two autistic sons, we have felt especially motivated to do this. Their diagnoses have never and will never be used as an excuse for inexcusable behaviours. That said, I would have my child tested for emotional/behavioural/developmental issues if he/she behaved as the OP outlines. Those seem to be pretty extreme reactions to something.... and something needs to be done to fix them.

Everything else aside, if one of our sons gets into trouble at school, there is usually a school related consequence, and a home based one as well (usually losing privledges such as computer/PS3/TV time). We also make sure they understand why they are being punished.

[It'sWDW4me]

Whoa - this is going where I didn't intend.

I'm just throwing the question out there for thoughts. I'm not saying I'm having problems with my DS doing all of these things:

#1 - yes, getting worse in middle school
#2 - definitely an ongoing problem that I'm hoping to rectify this year
#3 - once but I believe lesson has been learned
#4 - last year once or twice "No, I won't" but the spitting part came from a post on another thread
#5 - most definitely not and he would rue the day, let me tell you that

No, my son is not a barbarian running amok through the school.

I guess I'm just looking for stories and how they were handled as well as seeking confirmation that I'm not doing anything that "everybody else's mom" isn't doing, too. Or am I really "too strict" as DS is hoping to convince me of?

[cer]

I will always be prepared to go to school and spend the day with my child if their behavior is unacceptable - middle school or high school....

I have also taken every single toy from my child's room and he had to earn them back. This was in pre-k, when for some reason, we were having a series of days when he was continuing to have to "change his card."

On other occasions, I have required my children to apologize to their teachers.

In our home, we don't tolerate acting up in school. Getting along in school is very simple. Show respect and do what you are told.

That being said, my kids are 8 and 10. Hopefully we have set standards and expectations that they will be able to continue to follow, but oh, the teenage years are coming....

Lord, give us wisdom...

[nicster]

Raising children today, I am sure is a whole different thing than when ours were young. Both born in the '70's. That being said, children will hit rough patches & I admire any parent willing to face the challenge & correct the pattern being developed (for everyones sake). One thing I do know is universal, physiology. Whenever I had a 'note from the teacher', it was always a day DS had something with sugar in it for breakfast! We made a rule, sugar could not be one of the first 5 ingredients on the package of cereal (or whatever). The kids would try & convince me otherwise, even into their teens, but I held fast. Now, DS is 35 and has even commented on his tendency to be rude & obnoxious when he has had too much sugar, like when he goes camping with his buddies. He films his trips, and when watching them he sees a side of himself he doesn't like... TMI?? maybe, just thought I would throw it out there.

[cer]

Raising children today, I am sure is a whole different thing than when ours were young. Both born in the '70's. That being said, children will hit rough patches & I admire any parent willing to face the challenge & correct the pattern being developed (for everyones sake). One thing I do know is universal, physiology. Whenever I had a 'note from the teacher', it was always a day DS had something with sugar in it for breakfast! We made a rule, sugar could not be one of the first 5 ingredients on the package of cereal (or whatever). The kids would try & convince me otherwise, even into their teens, but I held fast. Now, DS is 35 and has even commented on his tendency to be rude & obnoxious when he has had too much sugar, like when he goes camping with his buddies. He films his trips, and when watching them he sees a side of himself he doesn't like... TMI?? maybe, just thought I would throw it out there.

So true! You really have to look at the whole picture....

Are they getting enough rest? Are they having enough time to get ready in the morning or are they rushed and frustrated because I got up late....

[It'sWDW4me]

One of the things that I noticed a few years ago with my son is that he'd have a tough time getting to sleep and he'd be rude and obnoxious in the morning if he played video games too late into the evening. I cut the games off 2 or so hours before bedtime - it wound up being earlier on most nights because of scout meetings and karate classes - and that made a world of difference. The "no video games past 6:30 pm" rule is still in effect for Sun-Thurs nights, much to his chagrin.