Can I vent about my 18yr old *Update*

[pink]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your daughter. I'm 18 as well and I also just started my first year of college. I think all you can do now is stop giving your daughter money and make her get a job. Otherwise she will just keep asking for it from you. My parents cut me off one day because I used to do the same thing and I definitely matured from the situation. I don't think should do anything drastic to your daughter like lock her out of the house, this sort of thing just takes time, experience, and patience. Don't worry everything will get better soon and Good Luck!

[PirateLover]

I've been reading this thread and the replies, thinking about what I wanted to say for a while now. I am almost 22 and a recent college grad. I lived at home and was pretty much coddled my whole life. My parents actually never wanted me to get a job because they would rather have me focus on school work. The only job I had was a summer camp counselor gig for 8 years. Fast forward to present day. I am embarrassed to say that I really can't do much on my own. This has led to some major issues because I still live at home and currently don't have a job. (I am a teacher, just finished a long term sub gig and don't want to get into day to day subbing just yet). I've always had joint bank account with my mom so she's pretty much taken care of finances. I basically know how to wash but I'm never asked to. Well now my parents have decided that I need to be independent and it's thrown me for a loop. For instance, I can no longer go to my children's dentist. It was left to me to find a new one and set everything up (mom always used to do that). Well I get on the phone with the dentist and low and behold I realize I don't know what kind of dental plan I have, etc etc. This little thing really upset me because I'm thinking "Wow, I'm an adult now but I really don't know anything about anything!" I wish that my parents had cut some of the ties and forced me to be more independent earlier...

Now in regards to the fighting/selfishness... I still fight with my parents... a lot. I actually just had a huge blow-up with my dad and believe it or not he was the one being immature this time around. But anyway, I think it's just built into our genetic make-up that teens/young adults have friction with parents. My parents still annoy the heck out of me sometimes, especially my mom. I love her and I know she loves me but many times she comes off as a nag even though I know she doesn't mean to be. That being said I agree that your daughter still needs to respect you and her behavior in the examples you've given are out of line. For example, I always gave my parents rides when they needed it or ran errands with the car. I also fill up the gas tank. I actually like getting gas for some odd reason, lol.

So I guess what I'm saying is give your daughter a dose of reality but don't completely cut her off. If you don't push her towards independence now, you'll regret it later, but you also don't want to abandon her because college can be really rough sometimes. If she has a job then she should be able to pay for her own meals, at least most of the time. I would start there, maybe inviting her for dinner at home twice a week. Good luck and sorry for the novel.

[Jeri Lynn]

Tracey,
I think we are sharing the same daughter!!...
I have three daughters, the first one is turning 21 in December, #2 is 19 & #3 is 16.

My oldest seemed to have begun disliking me somewhere around the age of 15. Things were not always bad but she became somewhat self centered, impolite and sometimes mean in dealing with me, although my husband can do no wrong.

My DH and I recently went to WDW and returned to find out that she skipped an entire week of class (Jr. in College), when my DH confronted her she told him she hated her school, wanted to quit, get a job and save enough money to move to California and go to school there...the funny thing is, for the last year she has been talking about going to school in Colorado, not California....she withdrew from school, has a full time job and is supposed to be saving money. In January she is supposed to let us know what schools she is applying to....I honestly don't think it's going to happen. I cannot see her moving across the country and she has this really bad attitude lately about how much she hates our town and so on....I keep telling myself that it is a phase, she goes through them...a couple weeks ago she came home with half her hair, the underneath, dyed black and the top lightened so much it looks white...I keep telling myself it's only hair...and it's just a phase....she did break up with a long term boyfriend at the beginning of this year and I think she thought that they would get back together and they aren't....she is an accomplished liar, we have caught her numerous times, we just don't know what to do....she has become somewhat of a groupie to a group of guys that race dirtbikes...they could be perfectly nice guys but I don't think she would ever bring one home to meet Daddy since the pictures I've seen of them they have tatoo's all over thier bodies...my DH is pretty straight when it comes to completely tatooed bodies and jeans hanging off your body and down to the crotch...

We are living in somewhat peaceful coexistence...I've pretty much learned just to keep quiet, it is sad since I would love to have a good relationship with my daughter but I seem to just be an irritation to her. We basically say hi and bye and occassionally say more than a sentence or two.

I believe that because I am a SAHM who enforces the rules that both DH and I came up with that I am usually the heavy and DH is usually the good guy.

Our kids are not spoiled brats, but they also have never had to worry about anything financially. The two oldest girls have their own vehicles, #1 pays her own insurance now and $100 per month for a small car loan we gave her when she got a new car to commute to school. #2 has an older car that will be shared with #3 when she gets her license. We pay her insurance because we have always felt that if the kids are participating in sports in school that we would help them out....#2 cheers in college.

Our family is close and we go on family vacations and do family activities. We live on a beautiful lake which provides summer and winter activities...one minute #1 loves it and the next minute she wants to move away.

I've always been a big believer that kids should get out and explore if they can, however, #1 I believe is doing it for all the wrong reasons with a very bad attitude...

I am basically just sitting back and seeing what plays out.

Good Luck with your daughter. PM me anytime you feel the need to vent!!

[DisneyDudet]

Ok, I am going to admit that I am almost 24 and I still live at home. This is by choice. I want to make enough money and save it so that I do not have to go into debt. I want to get my own place, but I want it to be nice with nice things. My parents are happy that I'm still at home (only child) and I pay for a lot of my own things... my car.. health insurance.. gas... the only things they still pay for (and are figuring out how to separate) is my car insurance, cell phone, and of course room/ board.

I get along pretty well with my parents. THey didn't want me to have a job in high school, but I got little jobs during college to buy what I wanted. They didn't want me to have to worry about money while in school, so they paid for everything, pretty much until I graduated, except for my car, which I bought new the summer before graduation.

Now that I am a nurse, and making money, its hitting them that I need to pay for more things, and I am gladly going to accept that, because I need to know what to expect when I move out. I need to get planted on my feet, and, hopefully, once I move out, I won't need to rely on my parents anymore.

The attitude? Yeah. I had it, but not as severe. It is something they grow out of. Something will happen where it will click that she appreciates you, whether it be something tragic with a friend's mother or she just needs you for something. I highly doubt that anything she says is set in stone for the rest of her life, because, her life just started!

As far as being respectful, there are so many routes to it. I don't believe in spite, but you can play at her game. Let her use the car, only when there's no gas in it, and she'll learn how much of a pain it is to find the car w/ no gas. If that doesn't stop her, you can always make her pay to use the car. It doesn't have to be extravagant. If she says things like, "Why can't you treat me like an adult?" then you say, well adults don't get things for free. Until she starts obeying the rules about gas and other things, she must pay to "rent" the car. Dinners... she can come over, but she has to help clean up. If she has to study, she can bring her books and study. If she had a job, she can't bring her books and study, so you are actually being lenient.

I understand that "tough love" will be hard, but my parents had to do that with me a few times, and, well, it stuck.

If those things don't work, I would try to tell her that she HAS to get job and will give you a certain percentage of her paycheck for food/gas/car maintenance. If she continues to disobey, then you tell her that she cannot have the car. She had MANY warnings, more than the real world would give her. I mean... I'm almost 24 and I'm still learning how unforgiving the real world is. Its a big scary world, one that I don't want to be lost in. I know that if I get in over my head, my parents will help, but I don't want to take advantage of them (she'll eventually learn what that is). She probably thinks her friends treat their parents the same way, so she does it. I bet it isn't true.

I hope things get better. I will be thinking of you! And my mom will say, "It gets better!" haha!

[jillluvsdisney]

I am not a parent. My BF has his 23 year old daughter living with him. She pays no rent and comes and goes as she pleases. When ever her father tried to speak to her about anything, the tears start and "I'm an adult" blah blah starts. She works full time and is actually a nice kid. What she hasn't figured out yet is that being an adult does not mean getting to do whatever you want. Being an adult means doing a whole lot of things you don't want to do but doing them anyway in order to support yourself and keep a roof over your head.

[handmaidenofprincesses]

Could part of this be from her not knowing how to handle newfound stress?

I'm 18, a freshman in college, and living at home. I know what it's like to suddenly be let loose and have a ton of responsibility dumped on your head.

I went from a couple of chores, to doing most of the chores, because my schedule is more flexible. I went from having to pay only for gasoline to having to pay for gas, car insurance, my cell phone, and a "new" car since my old one bit the dust, not to mention any other expense.

It isn't easy, and my parents have helped me where absolutely necessary. For example, my dad paid for the car, but I have to pay him back. If I haven't had a lot of hours at work and really just can't pay a bill, my dad will- but I have to pay him back. That's how it works.

He helps me out because he knows I don't make a lot of money. I'm going to have to pay for college as well, and since I picked out an expensive school I'll probably be paying till I'm 85. But, it's what I wanted, so I'm finding a way to make it work.

Let your daughter know that being an adult isn't about getting your way or doing as you please with no concern for others. It's about being responsible for your actions and learning to take care of yourself while still working together with the people you love.

Here's what I would do... compile all the words of wisdom from this thread, as well as your own, and write her a letter. State your position clearly and make sure to express your feelings directly, rather than hinting.

In my child psych classes we talked a lot about using "I-Messages" (no relation to an I-Pod). An I-Message is a message such as "When you do.... I feel..." It may sound dumb but the wording helps stop people from getting on the defensive. Try that.

Write a letter focusing entirely on cause and effect, the things she does and your feelings as a result. Add lots of positives to reassure her.. "I love you" "You're really great" but be sincere.

When you've written the letter give it to her at a time when you're leaving the house and she'll be around, preferably alone. That way she'll have time to cool down and become rational before seeing you again.

My parents and I have played this "letter game" many many times and suprisingly enough, it usually helps to end our quarrels. The best part with a letter is that, whether you mean to or not, you end up reading it several times over and you can begin to see the other side of the story.

Good luck!

[Cinderelley]

Of course, in today’s world, the age range is more like 15 – 27.

27!!! One of us will be dead before then!

[Caroleh]

My DD that is now 22 went though the same thing. My DD moved in with her father (we were divorced for a few years by then)when she was 16. She didn't like my rules and her father let her run wild. I knew it would happen, but didn't want to say anything because I knew she would resent me. When she'd come to visit me she had MAJOR attitude, wanted to do everything she wanted and not listen to me. When she went to jr. college, her father made her work, pay rent and buy her own food. Suddenly, I wasn't so evil. Now at 22 we are close, but it took a lot to get here. I bite my tongue when she does certain stuff, but when she needs me for anything she knows it me she can count on. When she graduated from JC, my DH flew to Iowa to be with her and her father didn't make the effort to attend. That weekend she spent the entire time with us.

Best thing I can say, this is a phase,mom, just be there when she really needs you and things will be good again. They just need to test the waters. I would have never believed anyone when they told me this, but it really is true. Trust me, there were several days where I just cried my eyes out thinking I was a bad mother, and now I know I wasn't, it was her needing to find herself and dealing with her own internal struggles.

[pink967]

ght her a car, did all the good mom" things but when I had the cell urned off she moved out. She was in her eyes Cinderella. She begged to move back home after awhile and I let her, as long as she paid rent. She was working and making more than I was. I charged her $200 a month for everything, food, ect. She packed and moved out again 2 weeks before Christmas, that lasted a week, and she came back home.I decided I needed her to grow up, I told her from now on SHE had to get her own car, insurance, ect. She saved, got an apartment and is now doing well on her own. I of course made sure she had plenty of food,ect when she moved. She has become not only my daughter now but my friend.I know tough love is hard on us but sometimes they need that wake up call. Kids now days expect things to be given to them, they dont have to work for anything. It means more to them when they do. I have a 13 year old now wanting a cell phone, I told her when she can pay for one! Good luck, and remember what Roseann said..I understand why some animals eat thier young!

[Tiggerlovr9000]

Just wanted to fill you in. She has not asked to borrow the car or money. The house has been very quiet and I have gas in my car.She as called and we have went out to eat a couple of times and saw her play. It was very good. I am proud of the way she is handling everything. She called yesterday and told me she got a A on her speech. The relationship is different but we are adjusting. Thank you for all of your support and advice..

[Tinkerfreak]

I'm so glad to hear that it is going well. It is such a tough time for parents and kids because they are trying to spread their wings but still need the safety net of Mom and Dad. My niece is in her 3rd year at Indianna State and it is still a challenge for her and her Mom. She grew up having whatever she wanted and just could not understand the difference between a want and a need. She was taking advantage of her parents until they finally put their foot down and told her to stop spending money foolishly or they would no longer pay her bills. She did not talk to them for over a month. When she had to pay her own car payment, cell phone, insurance etc she learned really quickly how much they gave her and she has been a different girl ever since. She no longer just expects them to pay for things. It was the best tough love they could have given her. It sounds like your DD is also figuring this out. I know it is hard but she will thank you for it later in life when she is a happy, independent, productive adult.

[kakn7294]

I'm glad to hear things are working out! Hopefully this trend will continue and you'll both be better for it. I wish you continued good luck with this!