I need objective opinions

[Cinderelley]

I have three kids. My husband and I split up when my daughter was 2 months old. By the time she was 4, he and his family were completely out of our lives by their choice. My daughter is now 21 years old and expecting her first child. When she first found outa few months ago, I asked her if she had told her father (they speak on the phone maybe once a year.) She told me that she had tried to tell him, but he wouldn't answer or return her calls. He is the same way with our boys.

So fast forward to now. Plans are well underway for her baby shower. The theme is "Welcome to the World". All the decorations being made are map themed. The cake we planned on is a two tier cake with a map on it, a baby on the top and it says "welcome to the world little one". The baby shower games are even planned along the theme such as "the amazing race".

My mother recently called me and said that my daughter's paternal grandmother contacted her to talk about the baby shower. She told my mom to send all the invitations for their side of the family to her house "to make it easier". She also told my mother that my ex's sister would be making the cake.

First off, they have NEVER done anything for my kids, so I'm quite skeptical about them showing up. My daughter is very excited about the idea of them being involved though, so I called my ex-mother-in-law. I talked to her about the shower details - the theme, date, time, etc. I told her about the cake we had already decided on. She told me that my ex-sister-in-law already has decided to make a cake of a pregnant lady in a sundress with a baby's footprint in the lady's belly.

I am trying to convince myself that it is just a cake at a baby shower. In the grand scheme of things, it won't matter if there's a cake of a pregnant lady in a sun dress in the middle of globe decorations. Myself is telling me that they have a lot of gall to suddenly appear after all these years and just dictate what they want to do. If they really want to be involved, they could have offered what they wanted to do and tried to coordinate with what was already done. What do you guys think? What would you do?

[CleveSJM]

Only because you said "My daughter is very excited about the idea of them being involved though" I would say to just try to totally ignore it. Treat it like strangers that are friends with your daughter. I would not give them any "family" considerations. But I would let them do whatever your daughter is happy with them doing. With backup plans in case they fail to deliver as promised.

Sorry for your situation. I feel for you. You need to make sure you have fun and enjoy the time. You earned it. I'm sure your daughter knows.

[BrerGnat]

Have two cakes. I have a feeling the one they are planning to bring mysteriously won't appear. Tell them thanks for the offer but you will provide all the "stuff" and they can just attend without obligations.

And honestly, this kind of behavior blows my mind. Now they care about your daughter? Now? And I bet they will care about that baby for about one minute and then go back to ignoring your daughter. Unreal.

[Pirate Granny]

I too agree...call Ex family back, and say you are so sorry, but a neighbor has already ordered and paid for a cake as a surprise for the mom to be...didn't realize it before, as they had plan to surprise everyone and since she knew where you planned to get the cake, they had already planned to cancel your cake order....and the bakery was already in on this surprise. She had to mention when you told her about the additional family members coming and their cake.

If they want to do something special they can buy 21 years worth of gifts.

[Cinderelley]

Have two cakes. In have a feeling the one they are planning to bring mysteriously won't appear. Tell them thanks for the offer but you will provide all the "stuff" and they can just attend without obligations.

And honestly, this kind of behavior blows my mind. Now they care about your daughter? Now? And I bet they will care about that baby for about one minute and then go back to ignoring your daughter. Unreal.

My daughter told me that my ex is going to be there with his wife when the baby is born. She was very excited about him coming. They live in another state. I don't see it happening, and I have very mixed feelings about it. I don't want her to be disappointed, but I really don't want his new wife around. In the time frame between when we split up and they disappeared, I had to call child protective services out on them because the new wife got drunk and hit my oldest son. My kids also called the cops one time because the new wife threatened to kill herself and ran upstairs with a gun. My ex finally lost his parental rights when I found out that he was leaving the guns and bullets all around his living room. Yes, we were better off without them in our lives. She was too young to really understand everything though, and I worked hard at protecting them from all the ugly stuff.
The kids are all grown now though, and I probably wouldn't be above throwing a punch or ten if his wife crosses the line.

[Cinderelley]

If they want to do something special they can buy 21 years worth of gifts.

LOL Pirate Granny. That was just the laugh I needed to reduce this stress.

[cer]

I don't understand how people who are virtual strangers wish to crash the event.

This is completely appalling behavior.

[TheVBs]

I think you're right to be skeptical. If you're daughter is happy they're coming, go ahead and invite them. But I strongly suggest you give them zero control over anything, invites for their side, cake. Continue with all of your original plans. They can be a part of what you planned or they can pass. It's very weird for them to want to be this involved at this late date.

[SBETigg]

I agree with all of your feelings, and with Natalie. Have two cakes. They have a lot of nerve.

But the bottom line here is that your daughter is grown up. As much as it bothers you, and I can understand why it would, her relationship with her father and his family are entirely up to her. You have no say in this. You can share your feelings with your daughter, but that can be a dangerous slope to navigate. She could decide that you're the reason for her estrangement from her dad, or that your negativity is a problem. If you throw a punch or ten even to protect your kids, you are the one who will be charged with assault. Proceed very carefully, please! I think the best you can do is to say very little about it, try to be accommodating (but not indulgently so) when you can, and be there for your daughter when things don't work out. As far as the shower, I would welcome them as invited guests and maybe allow the cake, but that's it. It's your event. You can dictate that one as much as you want.

And while your feelings are entirely justified, some counseling might help you navigate this tough time and keep it in perspective. I find it's often helpful to talk to someone entirely disconnected from my personal situations. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with their return to your children's lives.

[DisneyOtaku]

I agree with those who said have two cakes. Who doesn't want to have two cakes anyway?! More deliciousness to go around (plus....a back up).

As for your ex and his new wife being at the hospital, if they DO show up, and DO start causing problems, do NOT throw punches, as much as you want to! Get someone who works there to escort them off the property. Number one priority should be mommy and baby, and if mom's upset with them, they need to go. We unfortunately had to do this when my goddaughter was born, as her parental grandmother was threatening to stab her son-in-law and had to be the center of attention.

[MstngDrvnDsnyLvr]

Ok - here's my 2 cents - be skeptical......order the cake you planned on because the 'sunflower' may never bloom so to speak.

Be there for your daughter, if your ex and his current wife do show up for the delivery, be sportive of your daughter. If anything transpires, step away and let the hospital staff intervene.

This is about your daughter and the new life she is bringing in to this world. Let her have her fantasy but be ready to be a shoulder when that fantasy may crash and burn.

You never know, they might actually step up and be adults.

[taleasoldastime]

so coming from a girl whose father wasnt always the best, and whose been in a similar situations many times, the worst thing you can do is get between your daughter and her dad and his family, regardless of what she does or doesnt know or how you feel about it. you gotta bite your tongue on this one, make a second cake, dont give them too much control, but let them attempt to be there for her even though its probably for selfish reasons and they probably wont come through.
just be there to pick up the pieces if doodoo hits the fan, so to speak.
im sure your daughter has a good idea about whats going on, but is just hoping for the best.

[Cinderelley]

Thanks guys. Reading everyone's advice and sleeping on it has helped calm my frustration level.

It is the first great grandchild on his side of the family, so I guess I can see why they would be excited. I do think Brergnat is right though. They'll be excited about it for a little while but won't lift a finger to help. Then they will fade away again as the excitement wears off.

I really doubt he makes it to the hospital. He didn't come for my oldest son's wedding, and he had plenty of notice about when that was. I don't see him making a spur of the moment trip when she calls and says "I'm in labor."

There isn't any love lost between my daughter and the wife. She still talks about how the wife would frequently call her "the spawn of satan". Plus my daughter knows that my friends and family are there for her. She will have a solid support group when the time comes, whether her dad and stepmom are there or not. It will all work out in the end.

[deedee73]

Speaking from a child whose father was never around, who verbally & physically assaulted my mother, & who had to deal with all his broken promises over my lifetime - be more than skeptical! Do not count on anything to actually appear no matter the promises made.

I now have a 27 month old & I chose to selectively include people from my father's family but we handle everything. I was asked about his attendance & for months it haunted me. For what it's worth if it was me I would follow the cake advice that when you went to cancel the cake it had already been paid for. Or ignore it & if you have two cakes great if not the map cake will be there. Tell them you already did the invites or send a follow up wish card to those invites so you know the invites got to them or just make a simple call to them.

My last piece of advice is to follow through with the original plans somewhat behind your daughters back and basically be as supportive as you can be based on the situation. You can remind her that while it will be nice if they attend they may not but that she has tons of other friends & family that wish to be there for her. Don't be surprised if she tells you that they are not enough because she is trying to fill a very large hole in her heart whether she realizes it or not. Do not take it personal. Been there done that. Good luck and if there is anything I can do for you or your daughter don't hesitate to PM me. I totally understand what she is going through but I also experienced the disappointment that I pray she doesn't.

[princessgirls]

It sounds like "It's all about the show"....

Like they have guilt, and if they come for the shower, they can feel good because people saw them at the shower, and "they were there".

If your daughter is happy, hold your head high, smile, and order the cake you wanted.

Good luck, and congratulations on becoming a grandmother!
Julie

[Cinderelley]

I think I have figured out a way to have two cakes without too much friction. I had sent a picture of the cake we wanted to ex-mother-in-law. She said she would get back to me. If I don't hear from her shortly, I'll go ahead with my plans. If they say anything, I'll just reply that they never asked how many people were coming, so I wanted to make sure we had enough cake.

[Cinderelley]

I talked to a friend of mine today. I told him I know it is ridiculous to obsess over a cake when people are dying of starvation. Ebola's running rampant in Africa. People are being dug out of the ruins of an earthqake in Nepal, and Baltimore is dealing with rioters. He reminded me that I'm just a perfectionist, so we came up with an idea.

The first "station" the guests will come to is "Customs" where people will sign a passport as the guest book. The second "station" is "Declarations" where guests will declare their best wishes for the baby by writing it on a piece of paper to use in the baby book. If she does happen to bring a cake, I think I will set it up at this station as a decoration. It could look cute.

[deedee73]

Cinderelley,
That is a wonderful idea. Ingenious

[princessgirls]

I think that is a great idea for the cake,
and I admire you putting your daughter first, with it all. You do know what type of people your ex-inlaws are, but you are showing them grace and kindness, which I think speaks of the type of lady you are. Classy, and one that truly loves her children.
Enjoy the shower!
Julie

[minnie04]

Just invite them because your daughter is excited about them being involved. The cake I would just tell your ex-MIL fine there will be 2 cakes and let her (ex-sil) make one. You never know what happened on that side of the family to make them keep their distance. Your EX could have said things in the past that kept them at bay. Again if your daughter is happy that's all that matters. You never want to be the one that kept this from happening ya know. Happy thoughts!! Happy thoughts!! Lol
You daughter will have to see for herself at her age if this is something she will want to continue with, as far as having them around after the shower.