Having your mother in law move in. Good idea/Bad idea?

[BrerGnat]

Looking for personal experience with this. My MIL will be retiring next year at 65. She is currently a teacher. She is also a widow. She has expressed to us lately how lonely she feels. When we move this summer, we will be on opposite coasts. Our children are her only grandchildren. We have considered asking her to come live with us, if she would like to. She will not be able to afford her own place where we are going. She is already considering leaving her house (either selling or renting it out).

From my perspective, I have mixed feelings but see how it could end up being a very positive experience for all of us. She is full of energy and young at heart, and very healthy, so I am not concerned about healthcare issues. She will have plenty of income to support herself and pay us rent to offset the additional cost of us renting a larger home, so she will not be a financial burden to us.

For what it is worth, we have a very good relationship right now (I know, shocking). Also, I am the type of person who tells it like it is and if something is bothering me, I WILL talk about it, and she knows it, so there won't be any kind of stifled resentment or irritation that builds up and then explodes, at least on my end.

Just maybe looking for some shared experiences about stuff that might come up that I'm not thinking of. We haven't said anything to her about this and she is honestly the type of person who would never ask US if she could move in, so this is totally our decision to make.

[SBETigg]

My dad moved in with us two years ago after his residence burned down, and he's still here. There are ups and downs. The good thing is that I know Dad is safe and in good circumstances, and he tries to be helpful to reciprocate. He does yard work. He watches the house and dog when we travel. The downside is that we never set solid ground rules (a big mistake) and he tends to appear at inopportune moments and inject himself in affairs that do not concern him (marital advice? No thanks!).

It can work and it's not entirely a bad idea, just be sure to know what everyone expects from the relationship and circumstances in advance. Set some ground rules, what is good, what is off limits, etc. The saving grace in our situation is that Dad's place is actually an apartment attached to our house. He has his own entry, kitchen, bathroom, etc. He is in our business more than we care to have him, but he is also independent and able to have meals on his own and not be a complete part of every day family activities unless we choose to invite him (though, as I said, he often inserts himself anyway-- he's a lonely guy and I'm somewhat understanding). If you're looking for a new house for you all to share, I would encourage you to look for a place that allows your MIL to have some of her own space as well as sharing your space. Also, definitely keep communication open, and it sounds like you're ready for that.

That said, there will be unexpected things when you're actually living with a parent/in-law. Things that slightly annoy you now could blow up when you're dealing with her every day. And things you never expect would bother you might actually become a nuisance once you're all living together. But you're family and you'll probably learn to deal and get along. Best wishes!

[BrerGnat]

Thanks Sherri. I already told my husband that the only way I would even consider it is if we can find a house with a dual master bedroom (on opposite sides of the house or on different floors) option, at the very least. There is no way we will be able to find a setup like you have on our budget. We are moving to Orange County, CA. We're not millionaires.

Actually, the reason we started discussing this in the first place was because while house hunting this weekend online, I found a place that would be perfect, so I showed my husband so he could see they type of place that would be conducive to this idea.

[dnickels]

You've probably already considered most of these, but just some things to think about...
- if she's lonely she presumably hasn't built much of a social circle and that's not likely to change when she moves somewhere new. If she's not the type to go out and make friends she's going to be there with you ALL THE TIME for better or for worse.
- It's easier to project this going well when she's 65 and in good health and can contribute financially, but what happens when she's in poor health and out of money and her Social Security / Medicare doesn't cover everything she needs. If you're doing well financially that might not be a problem, if you're closer to living paycheck-to-paycheck then you're in a house too big to afford and paying out more money for the care and help she needs. Things like that can and have ruined a lot of people financially.
- If you do go ahead and buy a different house based on her moving in be sure to look for something that's accessible with a full bathroom and bedroom for her on the 1st floor. She might not need it now but those situations can change quickly once people get to her age.
- Be aware that this could be a 20-30 year commitment. Again, at 65 and in good health things might go smoothly but if she declines are you willing to give up Disney or other vacations or opportunities because mom can't travel and someone needs to stay home with her.
- Have the awkward conversation beforehand where you set boundaries. Maybe even have everyone read 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud before having that conversation.

[CzepielCrew]

I cannot stress enough how hard this situation is. We had my mother in law move in with us and she stayed for 7 years. She almost broke up our marriage and it almost ruined our relationship with each other. She tried to parent our kids an entirely different way than we did. This did not work out well at all. She was always there and did not provide the privacy every married couple needs at times. It blew up one day and turned into a horrible experience. She moved to stay with her daughter and we have repaired our relationship. I am not saying this is the same for everyone, but I thought it would be good until it was not.

[AgentC]

Have you ever stayed with her or has she stayed with you for a good amount of time- 1-2 weeks or so? That could give you an idea for how it would work out though. We lived with my mother in law for about 2 years in a townhouse her and my husband co owned. We had always had a very good relationship prior to us moving in and we did while we lived but it was different.

I think Sherri's advice to have ground rules is definitely good. We all get set in our ways and routines as adults and most of our conflicts came from want to do things different ways. And simple things that you wouldn't think of as a problem - like who parks there car where, where to store items, how to handle groceries, kitchen time etc can become issues.

You definitely need to know how to handle the privacy issues and in your case, kid issues (we didn't have any then).

When we lived with her we were saving to buy our first house and she needed someone living with her to help her out so it was something that worked for all of us but I wasn't sad when we left.

[BrerGnat]

Thanks for the feedback so far.

Couple points:
-Her finances will be fixed monthly income (2 pensions, SS,VA benefits) . She has a few sources of income that will NOT change until she passes away. It will be more than enough to support her. It will not "run out". She also has money saved from her husband's passing (insurance policy). She also qualifies for VA health care for life, so health expenses won't be an issue either. This is not something we are worried about.

-We are military and only know for sure where we will be living for 3 years at a time. We don't buy our homes, we rent them. We only rent what we can comfortably afford. Her moving in with us would have us choosing a slightly larger place, and the money she would pay us to help with rent would be a bonus for US, but we would not get in over our heads with a rental we can't afford on our own.

-She has stayed with us for prolonged periods of time and it has been fine, and these were in much smaller places. She stays for 3-5 weeks every summer with us and spends her holiday break with us in December (she is a teacher), every year. She is very low maintenance and tends to "blend in" when she visits. She also does keep to herself enough that she is not always "up in our business."

-She actually does have a lot of friends and is very active in her church community. Her "lonely" comments are, I think, a way for her to hint that she wishes we lived closer together because she wants to be more a part of our kid's lives.

-As for unsolicited parenting advice...we've already been down that road with her and she has come to respect our ways and back off on that. She is all about loving and spoiling the kids. She leaves the discipline to us.

-If we do this, I think we will have to all agree that we are doing it as a TRIAL. We will give it a year and then reasses if everyone is still happy with the arrangement.

Keep the advice coming!

[princessgirls]

Natalie,

For what it's worth, it sounds like it would work very nicely for both your family and your mother in law.

Some key things come to mind from your posts:
Your MIL is financially independent
She is in good health and active
She RESPECTS YOU AND YOUR PARENTING DECISIONS!!!!
She shows that she loves and wants to be a part of her grandchildren's lives
You are both on the same page with timing. She is retiring, you are relocating to the West Coast.

I think the pro's far outweigh the con's and she can be an asset and help to you as well.
Julie
(I wish my own relationship with my MIL could have been so nice. It's a blessing!)

[Mrs Bus Driver]

I just want to chime in here as I live with my DD. I know she would like to be on her own but financially and because of my health we can't do it. However we get along pretty well, because we have set boundaries and are honest with each other. She does let me know when I'm being too much of a mom and I let her know when I have a issue with something she is doing. And everybody needs their own space, such as their own room and time with their friends. Don't get me wrong we still do things together and we talk a lot, our relationship now is much better then when she was a teenager. I feel very lucky that I have been able to watch my DD blossom into a beautiful young woman. Bottom line is as long as you respect each other it can be done. Oh and btw I had to move from Arizona to the New England area to live with my DD.

[dnickels]

If she's doing that well financially why wouldn't she just choose to rent a decent apartment near where you guys are? That way you'd still be able to see each other frequently without having to literally be under the same roof. Seems like that would provide the best of both worlds.

[MNNHFLTX]

It sounds like it could be a mutually-beneficial arrangement for you and your family, Natalie. I've had some friends who have had parents live with them where it's worked out quite well, others not so much. Personally, I could not do this with my MIL. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much and she has a heart of gold, but she tends to be be a very dependent type of person, given the opportunity. We lived just a few miles from my in-laws for 12 years in Florida; although I did not regret that one bit (it is great for kids to be close to their grandparents), when my husband got a promotion and we had to move to Houston, we were ready for it.

If you decide to do it, I would definitely have a group discussion about expectations and boundaries. You mentioned a trial period.Since it sounds like she wouldn't be moving in with you until next year and assuming that your new orders are for three years starting this summer, it would make sense that the trial period could be for two years. That way you would not be in over your head financially with a larger house if it didn't work out and she would not have moved cross-country into a market she couldn't afford. Then I guess you could both re-assess the situation, depending on where you end up going after that.

[BrerGnat]

If she's doing that well financially why wouldn't she just choose to rent a decent apartment near where you guys are? That way you'd still be able to see each other frequently without having to literally be under the same roof. Seems like that would provide the best of both worlds.

Frankly, because the average cost to rent a studio-1br apartment in the area is in the neighborhood of $1700 per month, with yearly increases on the order of 5-10%. It would be a foolish decision for her to do that. She needs to keep her housing cost around $1000/month in order to remain financially secure.

[PirateLover]

We currently live with my MIL and while I love her, after almost 2 years in I'm ready to throw in the towel. That being said a lot of my issues are ones that you claim not to have, (unsolicited advice, annoying habits, feeling like I can't speak my mind without hurting her feelings). Also our situation is different in that we are in MIL's house, where she's been set in her ways, and in addition it's pretty small. The fact that your MIL has stayed with you for long stretches gives you a good indication of what it will be like and it sounds OK. My only comment to add would be, what if it doesn't work out on your end but she's loving the situation? I feel like that is the hole we have dug ourselves into and I feel bad about leaving her alone again. We moved in after DH's dad and grandpa passed away and we have a dog that she loves and we had a baby while we were here-her only grandchild. She has also become way too dependent on us despite being fairly young and in good health. While we were clear going into this that it would only be a few years at most, I'm fairly certain she thinks we'll stay forever and will probably blame me when we eventually move. If you think she will truly be OK with the potential for you to say "sorry, this isn't working," then by all means go for it.

[Cinderelley]

One aspect to think of is what happens when you guys move again? You said she has a social circle where you are currently. It may be better for her to stay with them than to move away with you guys and then be more alone when you guys have to move again if she can't go with you.
If she retires, she will have plenty of time to go out and visit you at your new place.

[BrerGnat]

One aspect to think of is what happens when you guys move again? You said she has a social circle where you are currently. It may be better for her to stay with them than to move away with you guys and then be more alone when you guys have to move again if she can't go with you.
If she retires, she will have plenty of time to go out and visit you at your new place.

She doesn't live near is now. She is 6 hours away, in a different state. When we move, we will be 2500 miles apart.

We are anticipating this to be our last big move. My husband can retire in 4 years so this will likely be our last duty station. We plan to remain in CA after he retires.

[disney obsessed]

I have worked in assisted living for many years.
I have seen the best of relationships and the worst. I also was the main caregiver for my mother for 5-6 years before i lost her last year.

My first thought is that its very sweet and noble, but is that something she would really wants to do? If she is six hours away already, it is pretty much a days travel. So is California by plane.

The biggest concern I hear from 'elderly' clients is their loss of autonomy. She has friends and a life but is she really ready to leave all that behind?

Its is worth the discussion. Maybe she can visit often and stay for several weeks at a time until she feels ready to make the transition.

Have you asked yourself why you really want to do this?

I moved my mom because I thought it was the best for us. In hindsight, I was wrong. It was just better for me. That way I did not have to feel guilty about being far away. Of course this is the readers digest version but true in its simplicity for discussion.

[NJGIRL]

We lived with my parents while we built our house and they lived with us years later after they sold their home and were trying to find a home to rent.

It was a positive experience and my son LOVED having his grandparents there everyday. He cried when they moved out a year later.

My advise is to have rules for things that are important. And to have enough room for everyone to be able to spread out and not be underfoot.

[BrerGnat]

Thanks for the advice everyone. At this point, it seems my MIL is not interested in moving to California anyway, so it probably isn't something that will happen. It is good advice to have in case we revisit this possibility in the future though.

[NJGIRL]

Thanks for the advice everyone. At this point, it seems my MIL is not interested in moving to California anyway, so it probably isn't something that will happen. It is good advice to have in case we revisit this possibility in the future though.

At least you offered and I'm sure she appreciated the thought. Even though it may have challenges I think we have a certain responsibility to our parents as they get older. It was a very kind thing to do.

[BrerGnat]

LOL, scratch my last post. My husband told me today that his mom was kind of hinting that she wanted to move in with us. She mentioned wanting to be in CA (her daughter lives in CA now as well) but then she complained about how high the cost of living is there. He said she was "beating around the bush", sort of waiting for him to ask her to live with us.

So, I guess we're back to square one. She has been pretty indecisive, but we are going to talk to her this weekend and flat out ask her if she would like to live with us, because if so, we need to amend our home search a.s.a.p.

I understand that this is a huge change for her and kind of expect the flip flopping, but we will try and straighten it out when we speak to her this weekend.