Funeral Advice/Guidance QUICK

[crazypoohbear]

Hubby, waited until after the wake tonight and said something to the BIL, about what was said and what was going on. BIL had no idea that this had been discussed or that our sons were being excluded. Hubby told BIL, you and your wife and your mother in law can meet at the holiday inn, take the limo to the funeral home and the church, MY family will just meet you at the funeral home and we will drive together AS A FAMILY,
HUBBY said, I am doing what my dad taught me, which is to put family first. My kids are my family. I don't give a dam about the limo. have a good night.
Well, Then it hit the fan, we had gone out to dinner after the wake, just the 4 of us and my good friend Mary. Well, suddenly our cell phones were buzzing off the wall, The MIL, was calling, the sister in law as calling the brother in law as calling. MIL left a MSG on Hubbys cell phone. "hello, this is your mother Lucille, please call me so I can reverse my decision about the limo, I need to speak with you tonight. Call me back at… then she could not recite her telephone number!. Then BIL left a msg on my cell, then SIL tried to call #1 son's cell. I returned BIL's call when I got home, He said SIL had nothing to do with influencing MIL at all, it was MIL's decision, he didn't agree with it and thought we should all be in the limo, Then he said during the conversation. This is small stuff, there will be bigger issues to get upset about down the road.
I said, I didn't care where I rode, but that I as a mother, would be with my children, if they were in the limo, I would be there, if they were not I would be with them.
Hubby, mean time was ont he phone with his Mother and sister, he was telling the Sis that she couldn't say "mom make her own mind up in one breath and in the next breath say mom can't make decisions" She doesn't seem to get it, either "MOM" is competent or she isn't, you can't pick and choose!
As of right now we are meeting them to ride in the limo at 9:45AM, as to whether Hubby gets in the limo or not is still up for grabs.
I will do whatever I have to to bury my wonderful FIL in peace, but I will do it beside my children!
FIL was ALL about family and I know he would tell me I belong with my sons'.
I just pray for the grace of God to be with me and to hold my tongue!
Will let you know what we end up doing
thanks for the words of advice and the kind words of sympathy.

[SBETigg]

I know you will get through this with grace. It's hard. I've had family issues, and it was tough when my FIL died. The best thing we did was to stick to our principles, stay together as a family (me, husband, and kids), and keep in mind what the FIL would have wanted. You do that, and you will be fine. Try to remember that grief can do crazy things to people. You can control your own actions and make sure there are no regrets, but you can't control others and they have to live with their own actions. Hugs, and best wishes for you to get through the day.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

One thing my sis didn't say; her sister in law has absolutely no social skills. She has no friends and doesn't know how to put someone else first. She is one of the most self centered people I've ever met. She knows her mother has dementia but does nothing to get her off the road. Yes, the MIL still drives! She gets lost going to the grocery store and will be gone for 6-8 hours. The FIL would call the kids to have them go looking for her. But the SIL feels that once she gets in an accident or gets pulled over, the cops will handle it! If it's going to inconvenience her in any way, she wants nothing to do with it! And yes, she could do something because she has power of attorney. Of course, the primary care doctor and lawyer both know she has dementia and they aren't taking any kind of action either. I just hope she doesn't kill some innocent person.

My sis, BIL and 2 nephews did end up riding in the "family" limo. My BIL did the eulogy at the funeral and was very eloquent and it was a very moving tribute to his dad. And that's kind of funny because he's not a very talkative person as a rule. And my oldest nephew said words over the grave at the cemetery. He was so upset and was in tears, with his voice shaking. But he did it and it too was a very touching moment.

The SIL never asked anyone else in the family how they were holding up etc. Again, no social skills. I've never been overly fond of her or the MIL. The MIL is a cold fish and always has been. She was cordial for the most part once my sister married into the family but has now reverted back to how she was before they got married. Tells my sis she's not really family!! I think after being married into the family for 26 years, she's part of the family!! And they date for 8 years before they got married.

But everyone got through it and no one got arrested so I guess it was a successful day.

[SBETigg]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad they all got through a difficult day.

[crazypoohbear]

Thank you all for the great advice and thoughts. It was a very tough day, as my sister stated we rode in the "family" limo, neither MIL or SIL or BIL spoke to us, just as well, My Hubby did an amazing job eulogizing his dad, the church applauded and a few of my FIL's friends from childhood (the 1930's) asked for a copy of what he said so they could share it with the old gang who couldn't make it!~
#1 Son gave a moving goodbye at the grave. There were 2 navy people there for the military part and my son mentioned why his gramps joined the navy and they were smiling from ear to ear with what #1 son said.
Then I lost my voice! completely and for 4 days! I guess God wanted to make sure I continued in His grace and felt he needed to take my voice to keep my quiet
Last week, we had a huge blizzard here, hubby plows and SIL is… whatever!

So, I called MIL (1st time I have spoken to her since the funeral)at first she didn't know who I was, I had to explain I was married to her son!
I asked if she had food to get through the storm, she said no, so I drove over and brought her a couple of sandwiches and some bottled water and snacks.
She never asked about my kids/hubby but I figured I was doing what my FIL would have wanted. taking care of family and holding my temper!
Thank you again for you kind words and thoughts