Homeless Dad, Advice?

[SBETigg]

Monday, my dad's residence was destroyed by fire. Fortunately, he was out with his dog when it happened. The cause was apparently perhaps an extension cord with too many things plugged into it, but the investigation is inconclusive so far. At first, it seemed he lost everything but his dog, his van, the clothes on his back. His cockatiel perished. But then, he found his photo album with the only pictures he has of his parents and childhood, slight water damage but not bad. So glad he has that. Anyway... the bad news is that he is homeless. He didn't own the residence, and it's a place that he was able to live rent free. My dad has always been check to check, no savings, and he is currently unemployed.

My sisters and I are kind of all freaking out because we're sad for him, but we're also his only hope for help right now, it seems. And of course, we want him to be safe and have shelter. Last year, my husband and I bought our dream house, and it does have an attached apartment. We thought that maybe one day we would have a parent in a position to need to live with us, and at least we would have the space. But we're really not ready for this.

My dad is a pretty domineering personality type. He has an opinion on everything and he's ready to share. Plus, he has a big active dog who is not well trained. It is the dog that might keep him from getting into some housing situations designed to help people in his condition. As it stands now, he stayed with me last night and it looks like he might be here awhile. He is understandably depressed and doesn't want to be a burden, but his options are limited. I am understandably (I think) shaken at the prospect of having him move in for an indeterminable period of time. But what are the options? My younger sister still lives with my mom, and my older sister has a tiny house (and an empty vacation house, but she made it clear she wants to use it and my dad feels uncomfortable getting help from her, has issues with her husband). So, this falls on me, I think. Am I just being whiny? Maybe I do just need to whine. But what would you do? If the answer is to just be grateful he's alive (I am!) and do the right thing, that's okay- just looking for advice, support, encouragement, anything anyone has to offer. I know this is awful for him. Maybe I just need to focus on the bright side.

[BrerGnat]

Oh man, that's tough. Sorry you are dealing with this right now. I know that sometimes, life throws you a curveball that you were not really prepared for, but I think you have to do what feels right to you, and just hope it is the best decision.

I know how you feel. I've never been in that exact position, but I imagine I would be if anything happened to either of my parents, neither of which seems to be able to function independently of the other. The thought of either of my parents needing to unexpectedly move in with us sends chills down my spine.

A lot of times, you might say "I'm not ready for this", but you don't have a choice. You will figure it out. Good luck with everything and thank goodness your father was not in that house when it caught fire!

[Dulcee]

That sounds like an immensely difficult situation to be in.

Have you tried speaking to your father about what he wants? As scary as you may find having a parent move in with you, he might also dread the idea of not having his own independence anymore.

If that's the case perhaps you can come up with a short term plan of him staying with you but only while you work together to figure out the next best step.

I hope you work out a solution everyone can live with soon.

[VWL Mom]

First and foremost, I'm glad your dad and the dog are okay, this could have been so much worse.

I got married at 23 and was looking forward to a wonderful new life ahead. Unfortunately, my dad was diagnosed with cancer 6 months later and died the following year. My mom was left all alone. I felt like you are now, I wasn't ready to have my mom live with us, I was a new bride. For me, there was no other option. Thankfully I married a good man and he agreed, we needed to be with my mom. It wasn't always easy, both of them were headstrong, but it worked out okay.

Mom's gone now, I look back at those early days...some good....some bad, and know in my heart it was the right thing.

Once you get over the shock you'll figure it out.
Good luck!

[SBETigg]

Lynn, I'm so glad that worked out for you. I'm sure you must really miss your mom. As hard as this is to work out right now, I want to repeat that I am really glad my dad is alive and well, and also that his dog was unhurt. I really think he's more attached to the dog than he ever was to his three girls. They have a strong bond. My parents are divorced, but still fairly young and healthy and I am blessed to have them both in my life, and that they still get along. I know people who have lost parents would probably think I'm lucky and should stop whining. It's just the whole uncertainty and adjustment, and wondering how this will affect my marriage and work with my kids, who are older but still live at home (at least part of the year) and consider their grandfather a grumpy old man. Thank you all for your advice and understanding. Much appreciated.

[Disney4us2]

First off... I am glad he and his dog are ok. Things could have been sooo much worse. I don't really have any advice but lots of

I am a reverse story (short version). I moved back in a few years after my mom died. Jessica came into our lives. A few years ago, while I was out on state disability, my dad had a car accident, broke his foot and lost the car. I was now his wheels. He has not driven since the accident.

This arrangement has worked out well for us. Now as my father is very senior, it is good that I am home with him, to make sure he is ok. ( see my 911 nightmare post) I am stll his taxi service, which I don't mind...most of the time. We still come and go as we please as does he with the access vans.

I wish you luck with what ever happens... It is really hard raising parents.

[disneykidsince1970]

woa. We, too, have been in the same situation. My dad has some significant mental instability and was homeless for a period of time - refusing our help, living in his car. His personality and emotional/mental issues prevent him from being able to make good decisions.

The homelessness was awful for all of us - eventually, catching a wicked staph infection at the Y and ending up in the hospital for months.

He did live with my sister (God Bless her!!) for awhile before he was in a terrible car accident and needed to go back to the hospital.

While the homelessness and the livng situation wiht my sister were less-than-ideal situations - the up side to both is that we could cross them off our list as viable long-term options. (being homeless was never on OUR list but it was for my Dad and after 6 months and the staph infection - he finally got it and agreed to let us help him a bit financially).

So - we now help him financially and Nikki helps him a LOT emotionally. With his disabilty/social security and some help from us, he is able to live on his own. We don't know for how long he will be able to do this but the journey has given us insight on what we can and cannot do.

While you want to help your Dad and do so for all the right reasons, you MUST protect your own sanity as well. I liken it to the advice I got as a new Mom - you can't take care of the babies if you aren't taking care of you. They tell you on the airplane - put on your own oxygen mask so that you are ABLE to assist others.

You are fortunate to have other siblings - if you are close, I would suggest that each person "give" what they can. I, myself, am not so good on the emotional support for Dad...but I am pretty good at the emotional support for Nikki (and thank God, she accepts this). She isn't able to help as much financially - but I am able to do a bit more. So... btwn the two of us, we give what we can to Dad and watch out for each other too.

It isn't easy.... but, as a poster already said - sometimes you don't know how strong you can be until you are actually doing it. And, if you are a faithful person... God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

Best of Luck.

[DVC2004]

Wow, so sorry to hear this but glad he and his dog are OK. I'm assumming he is a senior? By us there is senior apartments. My mother moved into on a few years ago while she sold her home. She also has no savings and gets by check to check from social security. It is not assisted living, rather than apartments for independent seniors. Her rent is subsidized through the local county housing authority. Basically she does pay rent but it is a significantly reduced amount based on her income and assets. She has to reapply every year and they adjust her rent up or down based on her income. I think she was paying $145 per month. The apartments are newer and pets are allowed (with a pet deposit) but there are some limitations to that.

My advice would be to seek out your local county housing authority and look into it. Usually there is a waiting list though. He has to apply but it's not a horrible process. I helped my mom with it and it wasn't too bad.

I feel for you and understand how you feel. Best of luck.

[Scar]

God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

Do you believe in Karma?

The more you sow, the more you reap.

I wouldn't even think twice about letting my parents live with me. Of course, they don't have pets.

If you do this, I have one piece of advice. I have experience takeing care of a demanding elderly person. I learned from my father (who has a lot of experience) to never back down to their unreasonable demands. They will back down every time when they realize you are helping them and no one else will.

[MississippiDisneyFreak]

Such a hard spot you are in...Just know you aren't obligated for anything so don't feel bad about any decisions... my advice is to do what feels right for you and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. If you want to make it clear its only temporary give him a timeline and stick to it.

If you think you need to do more than that discuss it with your husband and make sure you are prepared for all that comes with it. Bless you ,whatever you decide. My grandmother is difficult to deal with so I can relate

[minnie04]

Wow!! Glad to hear he and the dog are ok. I would suggest getting him some assistance. How old is he can he get SS? or assisted living? there are programs to help people that have been displaced do to fire. I would check them out in your town, maybe he can stay with you until he finds something. Im sure he wasnt expecting to a burden to anyone at this moment either. Your going to have to be patient and understanding.(which im sure you are), but just look into seniors assistance and see what they offer. (if he is a senior) They have apartments that only go by your income. If he is out of work maybe they will do section 8. and you guys can all help pay half. He can apply for medical (medicaid)and food stamps.. If he has nothing at least that will help..

I hope it works out. Trust me we all say we would take our family in, in a minute until its that minute...and you have to think of so many thing that come along with it...

Good luck !!

[Janmac]

This happened to us, but it was our son and his two sons whose house burned while they were gone from home. Very shocking. And while most pets were lucky, there were two never accounted for (we didn't mourn the boa constrictor).

We took them in, temporarily, as we thought, because there was talk of rebuilding. We had one spare room upstairs that became the youngest grandson's room. We had a 20 x 12 shop building (no plumbing but with electricity) that became the home of son and older (adult) grandson (they came over to our house for a bathroom). We had some extra stuff, like a rollaway, extra tv, etc. that we put in the shop building.

Mostly we just worked on getting them settled.

That was in 2007. Our son was depressed (he had lost his job of 25 yrs, gotten divorced and had his house burn all in less than 5 years) and wound up not rebuilding. He's still in our old shop building. His older son comes and goes, depending on his circumstances. His younger son (21 this week) moved from our extra bedroom to a mobile home also on our property.

Even tho our son has been using our bathroom for 5 years, he's basically on his own. We might not see him for days, as he leaves for work at 5 am. He's not naturally an outgoing person and due to some issues isn't always easy to get along with. We live and let live, having worked out ways to co-exist.

We haven't talked about contracts or cost sharing or any of the stuff that experts recommend. We've just kind of muddled along, trying to for respect and consideration. Least said, soonest mended. Working things out as they come along, if need be.

I think you're right in feeling that the solution, at least temporarily, is on your shoulders. And it most definitely is okay to be whiny. It's okay to wonder how in the ever loving blue eyed world will this work out. One of the reasons son and older grandson went into the shop, instead of trying to find room in the house is that they smoke. And we don't. So the shop seemed to me to be the best solution, giving them their space.

What I would recommend is to take things one day at a time. Focus on getting your dad (and his big dog!) a place to stay. As you say, it's not easy for him. We made sure our son had a hot plate, electric skillet, 5 gallon water tank, etc., to try to make things as "normal" for him as possible. Less dependent on us. This may be the key in your case. Sometimes I have to remind DH that while the [former] shop building is ours and on our place, it's his son's now, as long as he needs it. His responsibility and not ours. I remind him that it's okay to step back and give him plenty of room to do his own thing.

Offer attached apartment (too bad it's attached, eh!?) for as long as he needs it. No strings attached. Offer your help, as much as he needs. The depression will be tough as he probably won't want to address it (as our son feels no need to).

And maybe you can practice kind but firm ways to say, Dad, that's your opinion and thank you for that, but I have mine.

Parenthetically: my grandmother lived with us for several months (4? five, maybe even six) and wanted to tell me how to do things. I finally worked out a way to get her to stop. I asked her one day if she remembered being 44 (she was in her 90s at the time) and where she was living and what she was doing and did she think she had a handle on things. After her reply, I said, "I'm 44". She got the point and tried from then on not to tell me how to do things.

As you've figured out, your dad needs to go somewhere and right now you're the best, easiest solution. It's an anxious solution, but as you've probably also figured out, you would regret not being there for your dad, even as difficult as you think it may be. Utilize support groups for ways to help you handle whatever stresses arise. Probably, what you're worried about now won't be what will wind up being your largest problems.

Good luck and much patience

Jan

[MNNHFLTX]

I'm sorry for your dad's loss and can only imagine the myriad of feelings you must be experiencing too. First and foremost, I believe there is no cookie-cutter solution to such a problem. Sometimes it works to have parents move in, sometimes it doesn't. So I don't think you have to feel guilty if the long-term goal here is to help him find a new place of his own. I agree that there should be some housing options out there for people with low income (especially if he's a senior)--contact your local extension office (or whatever they call the housing authority in your neck of the woods), if you haven't already. If the problem is the dog, maybe you and your siblings could offer to pay any deposit or pet fee that comes with a new apartment. In fact, it's probably good (and necessary) that you and your sisters have a heart-to-heart about the situation so that you're all on the same page. Even if they can't offer a place for him to live, they can still be supportive in other ways so that you don't feel like it's all on your shoulders.

Good luck--I'll be thinking about you, Sherri!

[DVC2004]

I wanted to add- I understand about you being concerned about the impact on your marriage. It's hard for some to understand the effect a diffcult person can have . My mother did live with us for a few months one summer after she became very ill (this was before she sold her home and moved into the apartment I mentioned earlier). My husband did not get along with her before this, and he was very against her moving in for the short time but he put up with her because she was ill. I can tell you though that as soon as the doctor cleared her he was practically dropping her and her stuff off himself. I know in our situation unless she was sick, he would not be willing to have her move in permanently.

[bleukarma]

First, I'm glad him and the dog are ok.
Second, this thread has really opened my eyes to how many people are in the same situation. My 78yo great aunt lives with me and it is hard. My great aunt and uncle raised me and when my great uncle died I felt she couldn't be alone.

No one can tell you if that decision is right or wrong. You are just going to have to offer your help and make sure he respects your boundaries. It is perfectly ok to vent. I recommend it. I have another friend that is in the same situation and we form kind of our own support group. Just make sure how have someone to talk to, or even come on to intercot to vent. Taking care of an older person (even if they are independent) is harder then people think. Make sure you are ready for it. If not then there is nothing wrong then helping him through this situation, and helping him find another place to live.

[Mickey'sGirl]

Just sending you patience pixie dust. I hope everything works out for all of you. My sister and her daughter lived with us "temporarily" for 2 years. We all get along exceptionally well (she and my sainted husband have been friends since kindergarten) but it was a long and hard two years. Patience and very clear rules (for all of you) are essential. I know that emotions are likely riding high right now, but defined parameters for your arrangement will preserve your sanity and your relationships!

[Mousefever]

As someone who lost a parent far too young, let me assure you that you are not whining!!! I love my remaining parent, but I would have major issues if he had to come live with my husband and me! And anyone who knows you can tell that you are a loving, generous person.

I know that you mentioned the "in-law" apartment in your home, but I can't remember if you said if it has a private entrance. If you end up exhausting all other possibilities of him living on his own, consider putting in a private entrance, if you don't already have one. It sounds like your dad was perfectly happy living independently. I bet he would be amenable to an arrangement in which your living quarters were truly separate. As in, he calls to ask if he can come over and vice versa. There is no reason that you would have to see each other on a daily basis. He is perfectly able to take care of his own meals. This way, your family stays intact without the forced interaction of "grumpy old grandpa". I think you should be able to come up with a set of ground rules without too many feathers being ruffled! And remember, this is only if everything else falls through!

Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself space to be upset with this situation. It is a shock to your system. I can only imagine that it is extremely difficult to be suddenly up close and personal with your dad, especially since you and your sisters come in at 2nd place after his dog. I'm sure that having to deal with that dynamic of your relationship with him is stressful and painful, no matter how much time you've had to deal with that realization.

Take good care, Sherri.

Amy

[princessgirls]

What a hard situation.

Was the Red Cross notified of the Fire? Were they available? They are excellent in helping people relocate and little or no resources.
I think the Red Cross can give emergency stipend to get your dad into a new place.

Otherwise, contact the social services in your dad's county. They will advise.

You can't feel guilty about not being able to house him. You can get him in contact with agencies that can help him get back on his feet.
Good luck and prayers for you and your Dad.
Julie

[SBETigg]

Aw, thank you, everyone, for such good advice. So many of you have dealt with similar issues. More than ever, I wish that I could make that Intercot meet in October (and hey! Maybe my husband will really want to get away now?).

I'm seeing that setting some basic rules is going to be important. I think we all need to have our own space and set boundaries. He's going to have to feel like this is his home, even temporarily, and not have to feel like a guest. I'm going to have to stop trying to be the good hostess and let him fend for himself more. I'm going to have make sure my dad and son respect each other and those boundaries. My daughter is coming home from college in a few weeks, but she will adjust easier than my son.

And yes, the apartment does have it's own entrance and there's a separator door from the rest of the house. So that will help. My husband comes home from his business trip today-- he has been away while all this is happening (adding to my panic- he is my rock and I don't cope as well when he's not here). My dad is staying the night with my sister so that the husband and I will have a chance to catch up and make a plan. This can work. As long as he has the dog, finding the senior housing will be harder, but hopefully not impossible. He told me he was going to the Red Cross and some agency offices yesterday, so maybe there are more possibilities open. And he is 65 and in decent condition, so maybe he will feel inspired to look for work and get back on his feet faster? I can hope.

[laprana]

I'm so sorry you, your dad, and your family are going through this right now. It has to be so hard on all of you, and it's going to be an adjustment for sure. I agree with everyone else who said that if you take your dad into your home, it could just be a temporary arrangement until he finds a permanent place to live. Do check out all the resources your community has to offer and hopefully you will find some help there. But I think in the immediate short term, taking your dad in might be the only solution you have right now. Focus on making that transition as positive for all of you as possible, and then worry about the long-term solution. Take everything one day, one step at a time and you'll find your way.

I found myself in a slightly similar situation several years ago with my mom. I had just graduated college and was moving back to my hometown where I had gotten my first full-time job. My mom, who raised my sister and me by herself and fought tooth and nail to keep our house all those years so we would have a stable home to live in, got sick. She is a teacher at a private school and has no benefits and very meager pay. She ended up in the hospital and had to have a serious surgery. With no health insurance, she was faced with huge medical bills as a result and was close to losing her house. Instead of moving into the apartment I had secured and put a deposit on, I decided to move back home as did my sister to help my mom pay her bills and keep the house. My mom is still trying to climb out of that financial hole and my sister and I have taken over the mortgage payments and most of the household bills. I don't make enough money myself to pay for my mom's house and have one of my own, so I am still there. It's tough, really tough some days, and my mom and I butt heads a lot. But I made a committment to help her as much as I could and when the time is right, I'll hopefully be able to get my own place and not have to worry as much about my mom's situation. The way I look at it, my mom scraped, scrimped, and worked incredibly hard to take care of my sister and me, and now it's my turn to take care of her. It is what it is. It's an interesting dynamic, to say the least, when a parent becomes dependent on their children. But, it happens, and you just have to deal with it as it comes.

I wish you all the best with everything. And know that your Intercot friends are here to listen when you need to vent. It's not whining, it's just getting it off your chest to people who can understand what you're going through. We're always here to listen and help in any way we can! Sending you lots of to help you through this tough time, and I hope so much that everything will work out for the best.