Is this bullying and how would you handle it?

[crazypoohbear]

my DS age 16 texts me from school almost daily asking if he can "hit this kid".
Now my son has never hit anyone and is very timid in public so I know he would not hit the kid.
He tells me this kid, also 16 and on the basketball team and in one of his classes had decided to target my son. every day, several times a day, he calls my kid names, threatens to "beat the <snip> out of him" gets other kids to call him names.
Some examples from just yesterday are.
making fun of his hair color, calling him fat, stupid, lousy ball player, "slang word for gay"
He even said to him after the game "I would beat the snot out of you if your mom wasn't here"
this has been going on for months now.
I have tried telling my kid that the other boy "troy" has low self esteem, that he picks on my son because he wants to try to make him feel as bad as Troy feels about himself.
I've told him to ignore it and not react, that he will then find another target.
My son absolutely told me NOT to call the school and talk with anyone because then he will "really" get picked on.
Today, I snapped and told him to deck the kid
( I know, not great parenting, but I know my kid wouldn't do it)
My question is how did you/would you handle this?
High school is such a lousy time for so many people and unfortunately my kid will not stand up for himself and takes this teasing to heart.
I don't really want to get involved too much because then he will be picked on for his mom "fighting his battles"
HELP!

[Pop Centurion]

Violence isn't always the best solution but at times is necessary. It's a tough decision to make since you don't want your son to get in trouble but at the same time want him to defend himself.
Explaining to him about the other kids low self esteem was a great idea. To add, most of the time those kids aren't really tough either. Tell your son (in case he does have to defend himself) that that kid is only intimidating because he's playing the aggressor thus appearing to be tough. This way if the other kid does get physical your son won't just cover up & take a beating.

He is right as far you not getting involved. Not only will the other kid give him a harder time, so will others who view him as weak.

Again, I don't want to condone violence but the situation will continue unless he does something. If so it's quit possible once your son say's "I'm sick of your <snip>, I'd like to see you try to beat my <snip> the other kid might back off out of respect and/or the fact he's scared himself. But there's still the chance that a fight will happen.

One other option is for your son to make friends with some bigger/stronger kids who will stick up for him in those situations. But he can't come off as a weakling looking for bodyguards.

Your best bet is to just instill confidence in your son & hope for the best. These things happen everyday & I had to deal with it as a kid myself.

[BellesRose]

Oddly enough, I just read in a magazine about a 14 year old being bullied and asked his mom to help him by going to the school. She thought that he needed to do it himself and personally, I thought that was crazy. If your son is asking for help, you help. I think you're a great mom, wanting to help your son but not wanting to get too involved. I think I would go against my son's wishes and get involved, but I'm not recommending it. In fact, I can't give any advice because I haven't been in the situation. BUT, that's if your son has never been hit. If this other boy touched your son, then all deals are off, and you need to talk to someone in the school immediately.
Does your son have friends? If so, try to make sure they are together as much as possible. Remind your son to try and not let words get to him. And if things get worse or you notice a change in your son's overall behavior, attitude, or mood, then maybe it is time to get involved. Just my opinion, not really advice or anything...wish I could be better help for you!

[Janmac]

This is a tough situation to be in. There is such a thing as the Safe Schools Act which is supposed to prevent or stop this kind of thing. Here in our neck of the woods what generally happens is that the kid being picked on finally gets tired of it and does hit and then gets a "vacation" from school for fighting while the bully still goes to school. Why the teachers/administration do not know who the bullies are and who are the ones being picked on is beyond me.

Years ago, our daughter was being picked on daily, in 8th grade. We moved her to another school and paid the tuition, which at that time was something we could afford. We learned after we moved her that several other families had done the same thing, because of the bullying. Just being in a new school seemed to help break the cycle.

Only about 8 years ago a big bully was picking on a much smaller kid in our grandson's class, offering to break his arm, because the smaller kid had hit him with the ball during dodge ball. Our grandson, tho smaller than the bully, stood in front of the smaller kid and said, "you've got to go past me". The bully offered to break his arm too, to which our grandson said, "go ahead, I'm not afraid of you". The bully backed down, because our grandson was not afraid of him. I asked him why he wasn't afraid, when he told me about it, and his response was, "I'll heal".

I wish there were a good answer. Good luck for you and your son. You probably do have to let him handle it.

Jan

[Kenny1113]

Wow it doesn't get any easier. DS 9 is going through emotional (?) bullying, I thought maybe it would get easier when he gets older. Guess not. I feel kinda guilty because I told DS that yes the bully deserves to be decked, but that DS would get in trouble at school for it. I guess I feel like that opened it up so that if the situation escalates and he feels he has no other way out, he knows DH and I will understand. I understand not wanting to get involved, bc I don't want to do it for my 9 yo ( fear of making it worse ) I imagine for a 16 yo Definately not. Best of luck!

Btw Jan I love the story about your Grandson!

[HollyB]

Of course it's bullying.

Where does he see these kids? Can you manipulate his schedule so he has to deal with them less or not at all?

In 7th grade this boy was constantly picking on my daughter, teasing her, poking at her. He was in almost everyone of her classes. We managed to get a few of them switched so at least she had a couple of breaks. That was enough to let her tough it out. Oddly, the kid matured and now in 10th grade they are pretty good friends.

What's the rest of his high school life like? Does he have an afterschool activity with kids he enjoys? If your son has something fun--school related, but not a class--that he chooses to do with good friends, that often makes the high school experience so much better.

[TinkerbellT421]

Such a tough situation to be in. From not being out of high school too long ago (ten years) its just getting worse. Unfortunately, through personal experience, if you go to the school, your child will get picked on more, and it may get worse. Though with the way things are with bullying these days it may not get worse because schools are in a situation where they have to handle bullying differently. In my situation, it didnt stop till I fought back. I was bullied a lot in school. My mom tried going to the school, it got worse. My mom went to the parents, and soon realized they figured out where the kids got it from (sad but true). Then the bullying also got worse. I experienced everything from name calling, to being pushed down stairs, head slammed in locker, followed after school to my home, rumors started about me that got the rest of the other going, it was a brutal cycle. I would be more concerned about how it effects your son emotionally. Have you tried going to the school psychologist? I went to the school psychologist one day after being pushed down the stairs and kicked. The school psychologist ended up talking to me and got a lot of hidden emotions I had bottled up inside over the whole thing. It may be possible that if your son goes to the school psychologist that she could call a meeting between them (Your son and the bully). I stuck up for myself in front of the psychologist to the bully, without fists being thrown, and believe it or not, it did get better. And somehow I didnt get tortured anymore. I think the problem now a days is that kids dont realize how much this stuff can damage another person. But with your son going to someone directly, hes not going "to mommy" to handle his "battles" which I know you said you were concerned about, because YES that will make it worse, unfortunately thats just reality when dealing with bullies. Bullies do not have any sense of common sense, emotions or feelings for anyone else. And also express to your child that in a few years after your son graduates and makes something of himself and that bully ends up being a pizza delivery boy who will have the last laugh. Atleast thats what happened to me, a couple of years after I graduated I order a pizza from my local pizza hut, guess who delivered it? And guess who had nothing but apologies for what they had put me through. I hope things work out for you guys!!!

[VWL Mom]

I'm so sorry your son is going through this.If there is anyone at the HS your son really trusts, he should let them know what's going on (even w/o naming names and they will keep their eyes and ears open. DS19 put up with the same nonsense in his jr year and unfortunately he did get to the point where he had enough and decked the bully. Guess who got suspended? Yep, ds did. We were told that since he had not documented the issues with the school, they had no choice even though the video showed the kid smushing a banana on him before ds swung. I must say though, after the fight he was not bullied again!

As far as the xbox thing, have your son block Troy so he will not be able to join any party your son is in. It's in settings somewhere, pretty easy to do. Another option is to report him to xbox, and they will shut him down. Again, easy to do and xbox will not disclose who reported. I believe its 3 days for 1st off, 5 days for 2nd, and permanent after that.

Hang in there, they all survive it somehow. DS19 is now safely in college but DS15 is a fr in the same school, so I wait for the next shoe to drop. Just keep being the mama cub and have his back.