A Guide to Hockey Fans: (funny)

[Pagan]

Taken from the pensblog:

The Penguins Bandwagon Fan: We've all seen this fan. Without a doubt he owns a Crosby or Malkin jersey. It probably still has the tags on it.

This fan had never owned another piece of Penguins merchandise, but he spent two pay checks on black and gold during the Cup run. These fans claim that the Pens are their favorite team, but they didn't even know the Igloo was a hockey arena until 2008.

These are the same people that head for a bridge as soon as the Penguins go on a losing streak. They think the NHL season begins in May, because they've never paid attention to hockey before that point.

They likely also cheer for the Pittsburgh Steelers, New York Yankees and Los Angeles Lakers right now, but that will change on a yearly basis.

The Capitals Bandwagon Fan: In many ways this fan is very similar to the Penguins bandwagon fan. They probably didn't know Washington had an NHL team until a few years ago. But now that they know, they're diehards.

They "Rock the Red" whenever they get the chance and can't enjoy anything unless it's accompanied by sirens and airhorns.

They spend their time talking about Ovechkin's passion and they think Mike Green deserves to win the Norris. Every year.

They put together witty campaigns to hand out pacifiers at Penguins games, think individual awards are all that matters in hockey and have never watched a game past mid-May.

The Flyers Fan: They'd rather watch a fight than a win. The score doesn't matter as long as someone gets hurt. They strongly believe that it's not a hockey game unless someone loses some teeth or breaks a bone.

They also believe that the National Hockey League has it out for them. Every penalty Philadelphia gets is because Gary Bettman hates the Flyers. They know their team would win the Cup each year if the league didn't have those stupid rules that prevent things like slashing, biting and on-ice murder.

They feed off of the blood of the innocent while simultaneously asking "Why Not Us?

The "Know-It-All": This guy could easily coach an NHL hockey team. He could also be a general manager and should probably be playing in the NHL right now.

The reason why he doesn't abandon his office job and and take up one of these positions is still being investigated. Maybe he really likes cubicles.

That doesn't really matter anyway, because this guy can fix whatever problems your hockey team has; if only more NHL franchises would listen to him.

He knows exactly what line combinations a team should be using. He knows who to sit and who to dress for any given game. And when the time comes, he knows how to make a blockbuster trade at the drop of a hat.

He's probably been in a NHL locker room before, because he understands every aspect of team chemistry and leadership. He likely played hockey in high school and coached a kids' hockey team for two games in 2007.
He's currently ranked third in your office fantasy pool, but he thinks that's stupid anyway.

The Righteous Canadian Fan: Everything good about hockey came from Canada. Everything bad about it came from the United States. Russia and Europe have kind of just sat on the sidelines, contributing nothing.

This is the Righteous Canadian Fan.

At the drop of a hat he'll be able to tell you that 52% of NHL players are Canadian and that the six Canadian franchises make up one third of the NHL's revenue.

Hockey Night in Canada is his church and Don Cherry is his pastor. And he will preach the Gospel of Cherry whenever possible.

Russians are soft. Europeans whine. The league needs more "Good Canadian Kids."

This is the same fan that believes moving a franchise to Canada is the universal solution to that team's problems. The Phoenix Coyotes would almost instantly win the Cup if they were in Hamilton or Winnipeg and Gary Bettman hates Canada because he won't allow them to move. There is no other conceivable reason.

Puck Bunnies: This fan is immediately identifiable by her pink shirt or jersey. She will almost always a sign calling out to her favorite player. Her signs will likely feature glitter. So will her eyes.

Penguins puck bunnies know precisely five players on the team: Crosby, Malkin, Staal, Letang and Fleury. They will always rank them according to relative dreaminess.

Please do not make the mistake that all female hockey fans are puck bunnies. Doing so will probably get you kicked in the nether regions.

League Conspiracy Fan: This fan truly believes that the NHL is like professional wrestling, except more fixed. Every penalty called against his team is unfair. Every disallowed goal is part of a grand plan to punish his favorite players. Whenever a player on his team falls to the ice, he screams for a penalty and complains how unfair the league is when he doesn't get one. Even icing should be booed if it happens against his team.

The entire NHL, its sponsors, the NHLPA, the league's general managers and owners and all the referees are working alongside Gary Bettman to make Sidney Crosby successful.

In this fan's eyes his team never does anything wrong and if the NHL would just play fair he'd see the Stanley Cup paraded through his town each year.

The Original Six Fan: To this fan, everything about hockey that developed after 1950 is suspect. If you take this guy at his word, modern goaltenders are soft because they wear masks and no player should ever wear a helmet, let alone a visor. He views the two-line pass as a dangerous innovation and believes that even the first league expansion was a suspect move.
He still insists on referring to the Hurricanes and Coyotes as the Whalers and Jets and will forever consider them members of the WHA.

Mention the shootout to him and prepare for a tidal wave of spittle interspersed with "arbitrary skills competition" screamed over and over and over again.

No other team in the history of hockey can compare to an Original Six team. Regardless of how well these "new" teams are doing at the moment, this fan is steeped in tradition and he will refuse to admit that anything post-1967 could possibly be any good.

[indytraveler]

Very good observations. However, with HD-TV you can get bandwagon fans because they now can watch it on TV and follow the puck. Great sport in which few people follow.

Maybe the Olympics can change that?

[Ian]

Maybe the Olympics can change that?

I don't think so. If hockey was going to go mainstream because of the Olympics it would have happened in '80 with the Miracle on Ice.

No, the problem with hockey is that Gary Bettman is an idiot. He expanded teams into cities that have no business having hockey teams, he dilluted the talent pool, he's tried to steer the game away from its roots and what made it popular in the first place thus alienating loyal fans while not drawing in any new ones, and in general has completely mucked up what was once a great sport.

Until Bettman gets kicked out hockey in the U.S. is doomed.

[Melanie]

Please do not make the mistake that all female hockey fans are puck bunnies. Doing so will probably get you kicked in the nether regions.

Hehehe! Although I admit I'm a 40 yo woman who is a bit infatuated with Vinny Lecavalier. Funny, I didn't even know who he was a year ago.

You know, I'm probably in one of those markets that shouldn't even have a pro hockey team (uh Florida? Duh!), but I'm so glad we do. As a lifelong sports fan in general, but being raised in the South, hockey wasn't even on my radar. I never, ever, ever thought I'd be an NHL fan. But now after moving to a town with pro hockey, I LOVE it. Seriously...a bit obsessed. But sadly, I doubt that would be the case would we not be able to attend games in person. And here, it's CHEAP, if not free (for us).

[JPL]

No, the problem with hockey is that Gary Bettman is an idiot. He expanded teams into cities that have no business having hockey teams, he dilluted the talent pool, he's tried to steer the game away from its roots and what made it popular in the first place thus alienating loyal fans while not drawing in any new ones, and in general has completely mucked up what was once a great sport.

Until Bettman gets kicked out hockey in the U.S. is doomed.

AMEN!!!!

Bettman wants to see 10-9 hockey games that end in a shootout every game. The 2 most exciting games I have ever seen were 0-0 at the end of OT and only 1 of those ended in a shootout. He needs to realize this is the NHL not the NBA!

[indytraveler]

Bettman wants to see 10-9 hockey games that end in a shootout every game. The 2 most exciting games I have ever seen were 0-0 at the end of OT and only 1 of those ended in a shootout. He needs to realize this is the NHL not the NBA!

I'd be OK with consolidating franchises. Find the ones that are losing the most money and close up shop. They should do this to some MLB teams as well. Expansion is good for the cities involved but your right the talent level gets diluted.

[NJGIRL]

That was funny and I enjoyed reading it. As a Flyers fan and a former season ticket holder (12 years) I found that part really funny.

[Donald A]

I was at the game right after the Olympic break earlier this week between the Pens and Sabres. Ryan Miller (who was the back-up goalie) got much more cheering then Sid in the pre-game ceremony. It hit me then that we there are some true hockey fans here in the 'burg. I used to believe the fairweather fan thing too (and maybe that I could even be one of them), but I think the sport of hockey can get you hooked. I was going to hockey games in Cleveland long before my wife got me hooked on the Penguins.

Your post is funny and maybe even true in some cases.