What happened to long engagements?

[PirateLover]

My boyfriend of 6 years proposed to me last December in Disney World. He is 25, I am 22. We thus far have not made a single serious wedding plan. The reason is, I JUST got my career job a month ago (teaching), but my pay is pretty paltry compared to what I could be making elsewhere. He is still looking to go back to school and find a new direction for his life. He is currently working as a butcher at a supermarket. He was going to the police academy but unfortunately hurt his back, had to have surgery, and was told he needed to find a new career path by his surgeon.
So what this all means is we don't have too much money, and still live at home with our parents. My parents just helped my brother move out and aren't sure when they'll be able to give me a number on how much they'll pay for. His parents aren't swimming in money either, so we are going to have to save up a lot on our own. Between the two of us, with our saved money and bonds in our names, we probably have enough money to swing a moderate wedding, but we wouldn't have much left over afterward for a house or even a decent apartment. Also we are currently living and working in separate states, so if we stay at our current jobs the cost of commuting (gas+tolls) will be pretty high. I have a number of unmarried couple friends who live together, paycheck to paycheck in dump apartments. I go over there from time to time and all that is in their house is cold pizza and ramen noodles. That is not how I want to live. I want to be comfortable.

This is OK with me... right now we are looking at a spring/summer 2010 wedding. Most adults applaud us for waiting, but my problem is more with friends my age. Almost everyone gets a look of shock on their face when I tell them what we're looking at. "WOW! That's a long time away! Why are you waiting???" I know they don't mean anything negative by it but I guess it kinda hurts sometimes...

Here is why it hurts: I would love to get married sooner. Sometimes I get a fleeting thought to elope and have a reception when we come back because I want nothing more than to come home to someone I love at the end of a long, stressful day. Also, the longer I have to wait the more unlikely it becomes that my soon to be 88 year old ailing grandfather will see my wedding. But at the heart of it, I understand that I have to approach this practically. I just wish others were more considerate sometimes.

In the past year a number of my friends have gotten engaged as well and are blessed enough to have their parents pay for everything right off the bat and they are already planned, dates set. I don't begrudge them that luxury but I wish they could understand how it makes me feel when they are shocked that I haven't begun planning yet. How can I plan when I even know what my budget will be yet? I even have one friend that isn't even engaged yet to a man she's been dating a year, but she has her whole wedding planned out (including the date, which would be before mine) because she knows he will propose to her this year and his parents will pay for it all. She actually said "Wouldn't that be sooo funny if I got married before you? Hah hah hah!" Um I guess?
Again, I am not jealous. I don't care if every single one of my friends got married before me, really. I just wish that they could understand my situation more.


Well, thanks for letting me vent.

[DizneyRox]

I can't help but think it's the "Hurry up and wait" mentality of today. Plus a lot of people are in a rush to get divorced, and you can't get divorced until you get married.

Got married when I was 31, knew my SO since high school, and been happily married for quite a few years now. Nothing wrong with waiting, I would argue it's the right thing to do.

[goofiecrazy]

Dont feel bad at all i was engaged for 2 yrs be fore we got married.I met him in 94 and and we got married in 2002!I would say just start getting price ideas on everything and go from there.Try looking into places where u wouldnt think of like a grocery store florist for ur flowers places like that.

[MissStyles]

When it comes to planning weddings....you're going to get more opinions than you ever thought you would.......you have to seriously just ignore it as much as possible. There is no appropriate length of time for engagement - it's what you're comfortable with and that's what counts. As far as the actual wedding....would eloping really be something you want to do or do you really want to have a ceremony/reception etc. etc. At the heart of everything you have to just do it how you want....this unfortunately is only the beginning of all the comments you're going to be getting (even though they aren't intending to hurt you). I'm in the midst of planning a wedding myself (The engagement will be 20 months)........and it's going to be extremely untraditional/simple/small to keep costs down. I can only imagine the comments I'm going to get about my dress (it's brightly colored, not white).....I hope they are all positive but I know the extreme "traditionalists" will have their opinions. But I just keep telling myself it's what we want....and that's all that counts. I'd rather save my money for the future rather than just that one day. I've heard it goes by extremely fast anyway. So just keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you are approaching this in a very smart way. And feel free to vent to me anytime via pm!

[LauraF]

Oh dear - I totally understand. I have a lot of friends/coworkers like that. They can't understand why I'd wait to marry my BF when we've been dating for nearly 4 years now, and usually tell me so in no uncertain terms. Some of them will never understand so I just smile and ignore them. For the truly obnoxious ones who don't take the hint, I tell them if they'd like to pay for my wedding, I'd be happy to consider getting married at their convenience. That always shuts them up.

Unfortunately we all don't have the perfect fairytale princess story once we get engaged like our culture leads us to believe it should be if we're to be happy. (You notice how you never see Cinderella and Prince Charming fighting over wedding favors?) Sometimes we have to wait for money, or family, or jobs, or kids, or any of a hundred other things before we can have a big ceremony and/or wedding. That's called life. When the wedding ceremeony and hoopla is more important than who you're marrying . . . sigh . . . no wonder we have so many divorces.

Hang in there - some people will never understand, but can still be good friends anyway. Remember to trust in yourself and your choices.

[Tick-Tock]

I'd rather save my money for the future rather than just that one day. I've heard it goes by extremely fast anyway.

That's very true. Most of my wedding day is a blur. We were so busy talking to people that we never even got to see the buffet that we agonized over and I got to admire the flowers only briefly.

[Stitchahula]

I was asked" why so fast" when I got engaged. we were being married 11 months after we got engaged. I really liked my wedding but we didn't feel the need to impress anyone we did what we wanted to do. Needless to say we were paying for it ourselves. Still though I think about the amount of money we spent and I'm shocked we spent that for 1 day. That was 13 years ago and people are spending at least double if not more now. Try to remember that your wedding is 1 day.It's really the memories that count so if you can get by with less expensive memories but still nice even better. As for your friends saying something about how long of an engagement you have tell them you would be happy to move up the date if they would be so kind as to pick up the bill for the wedding. If they consider that you have to pay for it yourselves and are not having someone else do maybe they will instead help think of things to keep the cost down for you and still make it beautiful when the time comes.

[SurferStitch]

There's nothing wrong in waiting for the right time! People love to rush you into everything these days.

DH proposed to me Christmas of 1993. We were married in October of 1996. Why? We were in college, and my parents promised to throw me the big wedding if I promised to wait until I graduated college. I graduated in December of 1995, and my parents had 10 months to save up and give me the wedding I wanted. We were so glad we waited!

The two of you know you are getting married, so why rush? Enjoy all of the time you have to plan!!

[Medland]

My husband and I dated 3 years before he pre-proposed by suprising me at a jewelry store by putting a downpayment on a ring that his mother and I had been admiring as a "when the time's right what should the ring look like" kind of way.
He waited a year to officially propose and we had a 2 year engagement and we were so glad we did. First, I got to admire the engagement version of my ring for a good long time...which I still miss the pre-wedding version sometimes now that it has the wedding bands encircling it.
It also gave us plenty of time to daydream and discuss and settle on all the little details that we wanted for the wedding. It gave my mom time to hand-stitch a veil and ring pillow for me. We had a small engagement party in Wisconsin Dells for immediate family and wedding party only and his grandmother, who passed away before the wedding, was able to be there for that and share in our joy that way.
Enjoy your long engagement...save what you can and make your day what you want it to be. Not everything went perfectly on my day (2 limos showed up because we forgot to cancel one, the unity candle didn't light, the bubbles for the church ended up at the reception hall) and it did go fast (by the end of the day I couldn't remember who I'd spoken to). But the day FELT perfect and I for all the parts that went by in a blur I remember feeling encircled with love and support.

[garymacd]

I guess I kind of did it backwards.

I had known my beloved wife for about a year before I finally got the courage to ask her out. Good thing, too! I wasn't ready and she thought I was a bit of a jerk! But then I went ahead and asked her to marry me two weeks (yes, weeks) later! She surprised me by saying yes.

Then we waited a year and a half before we got married. She wanted to finish school and get her career going, I was just getting started on mine and wanted to get out of debt first.

Nothing wrong with waiting. I also don't think there is anything wrong with rushing into anything, as long as you know it is right.

[PirateLover]

Thank you all for the advice and stories. Some of you made me laugh out loud!

In an ideal world I would have a Disney wedding with our close friends and family. However, my mother who has given me everything and would never demand anything of me has one request-that I get married in our local church. In fact she burst into tears one day when a Disney wedding DVD came in the mail! My feeling is we can always renew our vows there later down the line

So, since I'll be at home, I do want to have a nice reception with family and friends, and it would be really nice to get married in our church. I don't really want to elope, but sometimes it seems like it would be easier! Of course like any girl I've always dreamed of my wedding day and I want it to be nice, but it doesn't need to be extravagant.

Thanks for making me feel better! From now on I think I will just take these comments in stride.

[Dakota Rose]

We were engaged 15 months. And we heard similar comments all the time. My response was, "What's the rush?" I think long engagements make for better marriages, but then I'm biased.

Congrats and Best Wishes!

[LittleSpirit02]

First of all, congrats on the engagement. I think you're smart to wait. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are doing the right thing.

[prprincess]

I'm a little late chiming in here, but I just wanted to say that I can totally empathize. Not only did DH and I date for 9 years before we got married, but our engagement was 2 years long, and we waited to have our children.

You are going to definitely going to get alot of opinions while you are engaged/planning, and I'd say to just take them with a grain of salt. That's the beauty about getting married--no one does anything exactly the way that anyone else does. So just because something is right for someone else, doesn't mean it's right for you. Don't let yourself fall into that trap of comparison because it's not a happy place.

Also, I think that it's good that you know exactly what you want to do, and when. So even if it is a few years out, I'd rather do things that way then just throw things together half-you know what and get married sooner.

Good luck!! I'm sure that everything will work out beautifully!!

[meldan98]

I have known my dh since he was 13 and I was 15. I'm now 35...gulp... Anyway, we didn't start dating until 1998 and he moved in with me about two months after we started dating. We were already best friends and it just made sense for us. We started talking marriage right before he moved in, but neither of us were in the right place in are lives yet to get married. My dh waited a year to propose. This gave him and I both time to figure out what we wanted to be when we "grew" up. He proposed at DL and on our drive home (about 6 hours), we talked about when we wanted to get married and what we wanted to do. We both wanted a December wedding but knew planning a wedding in less than 6 months was insane, so we planned for the following December. So our total engagement period was about 15 months. That gave us plenty of time to save and plan for the wedding and honeymoon of our dreams.

[conorsmom2000]

Getting engaged and having a baby are two of the times in your life where you will get unsolicited advice!!

Mike and I dated for 2 years, then lived together for 2 years before we got engaged (something my Irish Catholic Mom was not happy with at first) and then 15 months after the engagement, we got married. (actually, it will be 11 years ago tomorrow we got married! ) But, we too needed time to save, and plan!

Honestly, no one really questioned our engagement, even though we'd been together for 4 years already. And with this troubled economy, I can't believe anyone is questioning a long engagement for you guys. Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and it's expensive. I'd rather wait and do what you want, then do it quick and regret it later. Getting engaged and getting married do not always bring out the best in people, so take their comments with a grain of salt. I would have many responses to the comments you are getting, but most are sarcastic in nature and I'm sure you don't want to go there!! You are being very wise, in my opinion, in waiting. You need to have life sorted out first and be prepared for the future - a huge wedding is fun, but there's so much else you need to be prepared for. You will be able to enjoy your wedding so much more knowing that it is what you want and it's not leaving you bankrupt.

You need to start reminding yourself now that it's a day for you and your DF - not anyone else. You don't have to be or do anything you don't want to, just to please others, or to compete with them. Everybody takes a different path to get to their ultimate goal - in your case, getting married. Your path may be a bit longer, but it will give you more time to enjoy the journey!

[iheartmickey]

My dad's wisdom on getting married:

"Everyone pays too much attention to planning their wedding, when they should pay more attention to planning their marriage."

I did have a short engagement (4 months) but we were focused on our marriage and what we were building for our life together. It sounds to me that's what you're doing too.

I had a wonderful wedding, that I payed for. It was small, less than 20 people. The wedding is to join you together ... it's not about what everyone else wants. I think it's more important to think about your life together than worring what other people think about. It doens't matter when it happens, now or years from now. As long as your happy and working things out together as a family.

[brewcrew26]

I agree with so much that has been said in this board already.

We were engaged for about 10 months. At the time he proposed we had been dating for nearly two years and living with each other for almost a year and a half.

Each couple is different. And as someone else mentioned in the comments, you will get SO MANY different opinions on what you're doing and not doing right in your wedding planning. The most important thing is that you're happy.

We've been married for seven months and this has already been one of the best years of my life. We still live with my Dad and my older brother to save on money. (It doesn't help I just crashed my car last weekend and now need to buy a new one). We paid for our wedding on our own (also a small wedding with only 30 people). At the end of November, our entire wedding (including our fabulous Disney honeymoon), will be paid off.

I'm more happy that we have financial security right now especially with such rough economic times and that we're healthy and happy in our new married life. I'm focused on just having a great married life!

Congratulations to you on doing what makes you both happy in your life together!

[Mickey'sGirl]

My husband and I have been together since we were children. We were engaged for 2 years, and celebrated our 15th anniversary last April.

People are so quick to ask "When are you getting married?" as soon as you get engaged, then as soon as you are married, they ask "When are you having children?" ... (It was 5 years for us) ... then "When are you having another?" (That was another 5 years) ... I don't think anyone is trying to pry or be mean, I honestly believe that they are just excited!

Congratulations on your engagement, and being so reasonable about it all. Marriage isn't something to enter into lightly. Many get married to have a wedding, I got married because I wanted to be with my DH for the rest of my life. My Mom told us "If you can make it through a long engagement, you can make it through anything". So, here's to you making it through anything!!

[Marker]

You ask"What happened to long engagements?", my opinion is they've gone the way of marriage that is intended to last forever; they've gone the way of not having children until you were married.

Your marriage is not about pleasing your friends, it's about what is right for you and your relationship.

Don't feel bad about doing the right thing. (By right thing I mean what's right for you, not right in the sense of right and wrong, so please folks, let's not go there)

As much as you would like to have your grandmother at your ceremony, I'm sure she would rather you do what's best for your situation. Whether or not she is able to be there in person, she'll be there either way.

Congratulations and good luck. Stick to your guns about what is right for you.