To Break-up...or not?

[beksy]

Ok, I hope I'm posting this is the right place because I could really use some advice and after all the help you've given me with Disney I couldn't think of a better place to turn. Here's the situation. I have been dating a guy (just dating...no engagement, living together, or anything) for 7 years off and on. We were broke up for six months starting last August and in February I made the mistake of agreeing to see him as friends. That didn't work and we were quickly back to dating. I thought he'd changed, but I'm finding that as time goes by he's going back to the way he used to be. He lies constantly, even about unimportant things. He will say things to deliberately hurt my feelings and make me feel inferior. He says that I will never find anyone else to date so I'd better stay with him. We go out to eat maybe once a month and that's the extent of dating outside my house. The other days I see him (every day) when he stops by to grab something to eat and then sits and watchs t.v. until I'm ready to watch t.v. At that point he goes home. He never offers to buy groceries or help but is eating two meals a day here. My sister and I are very close which makes him jealous and he will put her down (call her lazy, etc.) and try to come between us (or start arguements). To put the icing on the cake, my grandad died last month. I was very close to him and my bf is not at all sympathetic. At the same time I am having health problems (the doctor's thinking fibormyalgia) and am on a lot of medicine that makes me sleepy. When I take the medicine he says all I do is sleep and am lazy; when I don't take the medicine he says all I do is complain even when I just mention that I'm having a bad day. Of course if he gets a tiny cut I am expected to act like he lost an arm or I don't care about him! I'm getting ready to start law school so I'm making some life changes and am thinking that getting rid of him may be one of them I should make. I know it seems like I just listed his bad points, but I honestly don't know many good ones except he will usually give me money when I run short since I've been sick and he can be really sweet when he wants to be. He also always remembers my birthday! Sorry this was so long but any advice? What would you all do?

[tinkerbellybutton]

I won't tell you to break up or not because ultimately it has to be what you want. But...
Do you want to be happy? Are you? It doesn't sound like he respects or even cares about you. It's really hard to give up something you're comfortable with (even if it's bad) to go out alone into the rest of your life. I divorced my husband of 14 years because very similar treatment, it only got worse, and now I am happy with the love of my life. I was even much happier alone before I got back together with my one true love You deserve much better and it sounds like he's not capable of that so.... just think about it and here's some pixie dust to get you through these tough times (including your grandads passing)

[Boojum]

...but the fact that you're having all these doubts shows me that you've come up with the answer all by yourself. And the answer is: break up!

You deserve better! And trust me, better IS out there!

[Ian]

You don't say how old you are, but I assume from the fact that you're about to start law school that you both are in your early 20's.

Most guys at this age are morons (I know I was ... some people would say I still am! ). They don't know how to treat a woman and they're mostly self-absorbed dolts who sit in front of the T.V. all the time and eat other people's food (sound familiar?).

Move on. You're right ... it's time for a new start.

[KineGirl]

If you read your own post the answer is in there staring you in your face. If it were your sister this was happening to - what would you tell her?

He is immature, advantageous, selfish and emotionally & mentally abusive. I would run - not walk - away from this relationship. Also I hope you find a way to feel better about yourself so you dont attract this type of person again. You dont let ppl you like (i.e a friend, sister, YOU) be treated badly by someone else (HIM) without trying to put a stop to it.

Good luck

[kakn7294]

I don't need to tell you what I think you should do because if you re-read your own post, the answer to what you want and need is right there. You've already thought long and hard about it and it seems have already made your decision. You just need a little push to get the ball rolling. You deserve better than how you've been treated. I hope you find love and happiness once he's out of the picture! Best of luck!

[Scar]

Especially re-read this line.

I know it seems like I just listed his bad points, but I honestly don't know many good ones except he will usually give me money when I run short since I've been sick and he can be really sweet when he wants to be.

The only good points are:

1) He gives you money. - There is a term that describes this.
2) He is sweet when he wants to be. - How about when you want him to be?

[MsMin]

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?
Sounds like there is some alienation out there. You say he criticizes your friends or relatives. It's not uncommon for abusive ppl to alienate you from friends and family then they make you feel insecure to increase your dependence on him. It's a control tactic and you see it in personalities that end up abusive or divorced.
From what I understand about fibromyalgia there is a strong psychological component. Does this mean it's in your head or you are crazy ... no it means that often there is stress that is making your body self destruct from the inside out. This stress can be in the form of a bad relationship and holding things in or fooling yourself. It takes a lot of psychic energy to keep telling yourself that the problems are not there with this relationship or that you are at fault. Many guys like that will have you believe that the problems are your fault.
Take care of yourself and take the first step in doing what is best for you.... from your description, I don't even see a diamond in the rough here (that's like Ian describes himself ). Life is difficult and everyone has their share of stress and bad times. The marriages that make it are the ones that have a good foundation. No relationship is perfect but it can't be all give. In bad times can you count on him giving you love and support???
I'm doing all I can not to just come right out and say dump him... You deserve better....

[J9]

From your post, it sounds like you've really already made your decision and just need some back up. If my opinion means anything, from what you've said, it sounds like you are leaning in the right direction. No one deserves to be belittled by someone who is supposed to care for them.

I'm getting ready to start law school so I'm making some life changes and am thinking that getting rid of him may be one of them I should make.

As someone who just graduated from law school in May, I cannot stress enough how much of a relief it was not to have any boyfriends during school. Law school is already stressful enough, and you don't need to deal with anything added on top of it - ESPECIALLY first year!!!

Just my 2 cents!

[elmjimmlm]

I have dated guys with the same problems and it only gets worse...If you hold onto him then you are not letting yourself be available to anyone else...Chalk it up to a loss and move on...Down the road you will thank yourself for this...Good luck and let us know what your decision is...

[Marilyn Michetti]

Sweetie, RUN.........This guy is using you as a very comfortable alternative to keep from being someone worth having??? (My thought is in that sentence somewhere). Don't settle for what he already is, because marriage will turn him into a 'pro'.

Your life is worth choosing the best companion, lover, father, and provider you can find. If it takes awhile, it's still worth it. One thing for sure - nobody is going to come knocking if Mr. "LOSER" answers the door.

Your questions are ones that every single woman ask's, and the answers have to come from inside of your heart. You seem to know what those answers are already, so go with your instincts. There's a terrific guy out there somewhere, just dying to meet you, and you'll be sooooooo glad you waited for him.

Keep us posted. Every woman on this board is pulling for you, and, (we're nosy as all get out).

[DizneyRox]

Change the locks and leave a sign on the door that says, "Kick Bricks!"

[disneydeb]

Ask him to take out the trash and join it!

[Jeff]

You already know your answer, otherwise you wouldn't need to ask. You are right - time to move on.

[tmosier]

Jeff is right, you already know the answer. But if you need to hear confirmation, I'll give it to you--- DUMP HIM! Do not waste another precious minute of your life on him.

Been there, done that, and praise God I got away. There are many good guys out there that wouldn't dream of treating you the way you're letting yourself be treated. Life is too short to put up with it another minute.

[laughingplace<3]

Not only what everyone said, but you will find that your relationship with this man shows signs of a controlling relationship. If you do some research, you will see what I'm talking about.

He wants complete control over you by putting yourself down and your sister down, because he feels threatened by her. He wants you to think you can't do better and is just trying to trap you. I don't know who you are, but I'm assuming you deserve a whole lot better than that load of ****. To repeat what everyone said- it just gets worse. I know this firsthand as my best friend was in a controlling relationship, and even when it isn't a controlling relationship the same rule goes- the longer the relationship, the longer it takes to get over. Cut it off while you have the willpower to. I wish you the best of luck in finding what you truly deserve. Rooting for you!

[Auntie]

Heave Ho....He's gotta GO!

Don't stay with someone who doesn't encourage and cherish you. I also have a feeling that your health may improve, when he's out of the picture. You need to concentrate on yourself, and your studies. The rest will fall into place all in due time. Sounds trite..but it's true.

[DisneyWhirled]

I agree with everyone above. Your post says exactly what you think and feel. With that being said....DUMP Him!!!!

Good luck to you, honey! You are worth much more!!

[Lorraine444]

1 word - *****GOODBYE****

I've sacraficed being alone for many years, this is because I won't settle unless it's what I deserve!!!

[Marilyn Michetti]

I think we all need to chip in and send Tiffany a REALLY BIG dust buster. Schupppppp!!