Fathers of SONS (and moms too), I need some feedback...("gender based toys")

[BrerGnat]

DH and I got into an argument last night about a toy I purchased for our two boys for Christmas. I would like some input from other dads of sons about this issue, as I think DH made a huge deal about nothing.

We have two sons, ages 3.5 and 1.5. Our oldest son is autistic, so it is pretty important to get him toys that foster pretend play and imagination.

Both kids are NUTS for our vacuum cleaner. They are constantly pulling it out of the closet and playing with it. My oldest son likes to "help" me clean, but he wants to actually push the vacuum around, which is dangerous (he plugs it in and turns it on and everything). The youngest is all over the vacuum all the time too.

My solution to this was to buy them a play vacuum. It's a Dirt Devil Junior, dark red, basically a mini version of a real one. It runs on batteries and makes a vacuum sound, has a light, and actually does work (probably very badly though). I figured if they had their own "real vacuum" they could "help" when I clean the house. In addition, it allows them to play with a vacuum without the hazard associated with a real one. I think this type of play is very good for kids. They already have a play kitchen and love to "cook".

Fast forward to last night. I decided to wrap the presents early (for once). I got the vacuum out to show DH...I thought he'd think it was great. Instead, his reaction was "you bought them THAT???" (with a really snide tone). I said "yeah, I think they would love this." His response, "I don't want them to have that...there's a ----- girl on the box." I responded that there was a boy on the other side of the box, and what difference did that make; it was not a "girly" vacuum. It wasn't pink or anything. It looks like a real vacuum. He proceeded to go off about how this toy would make his boys, for lack of a more family friendly term, "not enjoy the company of women". I could not believe how ridiculous he was being. I just said, "fine, I'll return it, as if I don't have enough to do already, I'll return it and pick out something else." I was so mad. More so because he did not give me any feedback into what I should get the boys (as usual, I did all the shopping this year) and he tends to poo poo all over every toy I show him that I think our kids would love. Basically, if HE doesn't think it's cool, he doesn't want it in the house. He doesn't seem to want to "get it" that toys for toddlers are NOT something that HE is going to want to play with. He's basically a big kid himself, but I really think sometimes he wishes his kids were, like 8, so they would play with "cool" toys that he can get into.

I am now re-thinking my plan to return the vacuum. I really think his response to it was over the top, but I don't know, as I'm not a guy.

Guys, what do you think of this? Am I being too emotional about this? Does my husband have a valid argument? How would you react if someone gave your son a gift like this?

[tinklover]

I would not return it but that is just me, Boys playing with vacuums and dolls don't m,ake them gay and the same as girl who play with hotwheels and make mudpies. yourhusband has some serius issues but i bet if yuor son wer eto hurt himself with the real vacuum that would be all your fault to right? I sure hope he comes to his senses and i will keep your family in my prayers. best of luck with everything.
P.S my son played with my old cabbage patch kids and my old barbies and he is now 12 in karate and wreslting and has umpteen girls calling for him on a daily basis and he loves every minute of it.

[GoinGoofyPlanninThisTrip]

Guys, what do you think of this?

I think your husband needs to lighten up and maybe do a little shopping himself or forfeit his gift opinions.

Am I being too emotional about this?

No.

Does my husband have a valid argument?

No. Maybe in a locker room somewhere.

How would you react if someone gave your son a gift like this?

I'd be mad...that it wasn't a real vacuum so he could actually clean the house.

Hope your son enjoys the vacuum!

[CleveSJM]

Just my ...

I can see his side. I see it as a girls toy. Sorry not to be Politically Correct all the time but that's how I see it. He's over the top with the "influencing future preference" talk though.

Sadly, it's all stereotypes and that's not good but it's reality. If you want to try to raise a tom girl, you buy her a BB gun, not a Princess dress. Same goes for a burly boy. Avoid the vacuum and get a lawn mower.

Lawn mowing is just the manly vacuuming of the yard...

[mook3y]

I have DS 5 and DD 3, so I have the advantage of purchasing a toy like that for DD and have no problem with DS playing with it.

Personally, a vacuum cleaner would not bother me at all to give to my son.

Uhm... i have been known to use the vacuum ocasionally.

Hardly something that I think is going to cause issues later in life and it sounds like your boys would love it.

Heck the favorite toy in our household, including the children of friends - both boys and girls - is a stroller that is made for a doll. They ALL love pushing it around, its crazy how much they love it and is easily the most played with toy at our house.

I say tell your DH consider it life skills training....

[Ian]

Nat, I don't know your husband obviously, but if you're asking my opinion as to whether or not he thinks your sons will grow up to "not enjoy the company of women" because they played with a vacuum cleaner when they were little ...

There's so many things wrong with that I don't even know where to begin.

A. in my house I do the vacuuming and I can 100% assure you that I enjoy the company of women.

B. I'm fairly certain that the toys we play with when we're young are not a determining factor in whether or not we "enjoy the company of women" when we're older.

C. It's not like you bought them a Barbie doll or a princess dress-up kit or something. That I would take issue with. It's a vacuum. Is your DH indicating that he thinks vaccuming is "woman's work"??? If so ...

Actually, I think I'll shut up now ...

[Hayden's Dad]

I don't see anything wrong with the vaccum especially if it is something they really do enjoy. If he thinks that his sons shouldn't be doing "women's work " he is sorely mistaken. There is nothing wrong with a man helping around the house or being a stay at home dad for that matter. I say keep it and it is a good safe option for your sons to helping mommy with the vaccum that they will probably love. If it would make you husband feel better go to the store and get you husband a toy drill, saw, transformer, or car that he can play with from the boys or santa.
Don't let this ruin your holiday. Merry Christmas

[wedway fan]

as a father of 2 boys who have played with and enjoyed that same dirt devil vacuum, i've gotta side with you and say your husband's reaction was over the top.

i see toys like vacuums, kitchens, tools, lawnmowers, etc. as gender neutral. i won't even go into the debate on whether or not we should even be assigning "gender-appropriate" toys to toddlers anyway, but toys that anyone could and should know how to use are appropriate for all.

i want my daughter to be able to use a drill and circular saw, just like i want my sons to be able to iron and cook. the earlier they understand that these kinds of things have no gender base, the better.

[RedheadWriter]

Give them the vacuum.
Let hubby shop for what he considers to be a more manly gift.
I certainly would not return a gift that I know my children would love.
Just my not so humble opinion.

[Strmchsr]

My oldest son loves to cook (he's 7 now). I bought him a kitchen playset when he was 3 and he loved it. He's as much a boy as any kid out there. Kids like to emulate what they see, especially in your son's condition. What he plays with now has absolutely nothing to do with how "manly" he'll be when he grows up. If your son likes the vacuum, then the gift you got is perfect, especially for his age and developmental ability. Far from scarring him, it will foster his imagination and validate him as he is able to do something he previously wasn't able. Go for it!

[Jeri]

My now 4yr old has one and he loves it. I bought it for him when he was 2 yrs old. I bought the playschool one and it is purple and yellow with eyes that move when you push it.

My husband didn't get mad. My son also has real and fake tools, and a toy lawn mower too.

I say keep it. I think your boys will love it a lot.

[MaryPoppinsFan]

My friend has 2 boys 4 and 2 and she is buying them both a kitchen set and a vacum cleaner. There is nothing wrong with them playing with either toy. I think it's a great idea! Give it to them for Christmas

[Mickey'sGirl]

Give them the vacuum.
Let hubby shop for what he considers to be a more manly gift.
I certainly would not return a gift that I know my children would love.
Just my not so humble opinion.

This is my advice exactly.

I am the mother of two young autistic sons and they have such a mish mash of toys -- they'll likely enjoy the company of pack rats when they are older . DS3 has a Fisher Price doll house that he got for his 2nd birthday -- and he still loves to play with it. DS9 had toy "kitchen tools" as a young child, and now enjoys cooking and baking with me. It's all good! This year is all about Transformers though....

I hope this does not impact your holiday and that you and your family have a terrific Christmas together!

[Pipalotta]

As a child care provider and one of 5 children I know the importance of providing your child with the play things that will foster their imagination and help them to become well rounded adults. Boys and girls both equally like playing with things like baby dolls, play kitchens and vaccums. Allowing boys to play with things does not make them "sissys" or what not. It actually fosters their sense of nurturing and compassion. We as adults are the ones who place gender specific roles on certain chores, children dont understand the difference. In my house hold, my step dad is the one who does most of the cleaning including vaccuming and mopping the floors. He also does his own laundry. Oh the horror!!!!

I can tell you as a child I loved climbing trees and playing in the dirt. I played with just as many boy things as I did girl things. And as an adult that hasnt made me any less girly, it has made me more independent because I learned about tools and cars and bugs. My younger brother used to play with my baby dolls and barbies and now he is 16 and into sports and girls.

And if your son's want to wear pink or purple let them. It is just a color. And if they want to play with a vaccum let them!!!

[MMouse6937]

I agree with Ian, does he really think that boys/men should not have vacuums? I don't consider my DH less than manly when he vacuums, why would yours think that a little boy playing with a "play" vacuum instead of injuring himself with the real one would make him girly? I think you should keep it, wrap it, and when your little boy opens it up and freaks out with excitment just wait to see the look on you husband's face. You know your kids, and I think you made a good call with this present. Btw, I'm one of those crazy wifes that likes to get cleaning things for christmas too, if my DH bought a new vacuum for me, I would be estactic, I go through them like crazy!

Have a Merry Christmas, tell DH to relax too

[Ian]

Just FYI ... so you have some context around my feedback and yet at the risk of being flamed ...

Many, many people have accused me of being a Neanderthal, Fred Flintstone-like, wishing for a return to the 1950's kinda guy. Even I'll admit that I'm not exactly what you'd call "enlightened" when it comes to my views of masculine and feminine roles in society.

So what I'm saying is if that even I don't think it's a big deal, then wow!

[DisneyAggies]

...put on the tag that it's just from YOU.

For the record, my 2.5 DS has a vacuum, kitchen set (complete with monogrammed apron), AND a baby doll. His 5 month old brother will have them too. After teaching kinder for 5 years I've seen many, MANY boys clean and take care of the babies.

[ginger19]

Dh and I have a 4 year old son and a 2.5 year old daughter. We bought both of them a vacuum cleaner and the love them. DH is actually the one who vacuums in our house and both kids take theirs out and help him. When they are finished, DS goes back to his trucks and DD back to her dolls. I have also bought my son a doll when I was pg with DD because he wanted a baby too and this year my DD is getting matchbox cars so she stops stealing her brother's.
I want both of my children to be well-rounded and I think it's important for them to decide what htey want to play with and not be stuck in what society decides is ok.
Tell your DH to lighten up and get out of the cave.

[mickey&missy]

C. It's not like you bought them a Barbie doll or a princess dress-up kit or something. That I would take issue with. It's a vacuum. Is your DH indicating that he thinks vaccuming is "woman's work"??? If so ...

Actually, I think I'll shut up now ...

Exactly what I was thinking. To me, it seems that he is saying that vaccuming is womens work and by using a vaccum it will make them feminine. I'll tell you if I had had the same arguement with my DH I would have riped him to shreads, you where A LOT nice then I would have been! Plus, if he doesn't like what you bought tell him to do the shopping!

My nephew is developmentally delayed. His therapists have suggested he have a doll to encourage imaginative play. He loves it. My BIL was a little put off at first, "my son is playing with a doll?!" But, he's ok with now. I can't imagine what your DH would say to that!

Please don't return it! Your right, their going to love it!! DH needs to get over it!

[Ian]

You know really even the whole "playing with dolls" thing is a little overstated ... I mean you can call a G.I. Joe an "action figure" all you want, but guess what?

It's just a doll for boys.