Curiosity question about wedding

[disneymom15]

As many of you know, my daughter is getting married in January at Disney. We're in the process of making all the final arrangements (over budget by a bit, so cutting back in many areas). So anyway, I'm sitting here this morning thinking about what we can do without, when it dawns on me, the grooms parents have never offered any financial assistance. I know that if we had a son, we would help pay for a portion of the wedding. Here's the question: If you were the parents of the groom, would you offer financial support to the brides parents?

[SBETigg]

I would. I understand that some people are traditional in this sense and feel that most of it falls to the bride's parents. The groom's parents do have some financial responsibilities, too, like the rehearsal dinner. Isn't that traditionally the groom's side's expense?

I would prefer to say the groom, actually, and not the groom's parents, and the same for the bride. The bride and groom should be handling quite a few of the expenses themselves, I feel, in this day and age, though of course we all want to give our kids a good start and would pitch in or handle the burden if we had the means. My sister is getting married in 2014 and managing most of the expenses with her fiance. Wedding traditions/expectations are changing with the times. Twenty-three years ago, my husband and I paid for most of our own wedding, too, even though we were young. Our parents just couldn't afford everything we wanted and we both had jobs.

Since you're doing a destination wedding, I think the groom or groom's parents would be offering some assistance.

[BrerGnat]

I think the bride AND groom, themselves, should pay for a portion of their wedding. DH and I paid for half our wedding and my parents paid the rest. His parents were quite financially strapped so we didn't even ask them. We were just glad they were able to be there. We also had a WDW wedding.

We skipped the traditional rehearsal dinner and insted had a huge meal with our same age friends and siblings at 'Ohana the night before.

My mom paid for my wedding dress, the alterations, and the accessories as her gift to us.

Our portion of the wedding was very reasonable. We also paid for our own honeymoon. This was almost 13 years ago.

[dnickels]

If it's over-budget that seems to me to be the fault of the Bride and Groom and therefore they are the two who should be paying for it or cutting back to where their choices meet the budgeted amount.

[PirateLover]

The short answer, not knowing any other details of the situation, is: yes, the Groom's family should chip in for something. Typically the biggest expense for them is the rehearsal dinner. My in-laws also gave us some money towards the flowers, which seems to be typical. But, really, it varies with every situation.

I know couples where the groom's family have been wealthy and wanted things a certain way, so they covered much more of the costs.
I also know plenty of couples who have paid for the majority of their own wedding.
A good rule of thumb is don't *expect* anyone else to chip in. Keep the budget at what you can realistically afford. If the groom's family ends up giving some money, all the better. But don't go over budget and expect them to pay a certain amount. You are two families about to become one, and money is the #1 thing that causes problems in families!!!

[VWL Mom]

I think it depends. Did the groom's parents have a say in the wedding planning? Are you running over budget because of them? In these cases, I (as mother of the groom) would offer to pay something whether it be open bar, flowers, band etc in addition to the rehearsal dinner which is normally the groom's family responsibility. If I wasn't consulted then it wold be the rehearsal dinner only.

At the same time, as others have said, if the bride and groom are the demanding ones then I would expect them to pitch in too.

[disney obsessed]

It is sooo easy to go over budget! We have too. It seems like the little things that you do not think about in the beginning are the ones that hurt our budget.
Grooms family is hosting the rehersal dinner. I have stayed completly out of it and I have no details. I hope it goes well. They are also paying for the brides flowers only. He will pay for his own clothes and bride paid for hers. One other thing is that the mother of the groom really wanted a video of the evening. We did not purchase one with the photographer. The kids told her that if she wanted it, she could pay for it. I believe she is.

[Mickey'sGirl]

I think it depends. Did the groom's parents have a say in the wedding planning? Are you running over budget because of them? In these cases, I (as mother of the groom) would offer to pay something whether it be open bar, flowers, band etc in addition to the rehearsal dinner which is normally the groom's family responsibility. If I wasn't consulted then it wold be the rehearsal dinner only.

At the same time, as others have said, if the bride and groom are the demanding ones then I would expect them to pitch in too.

I completely agree. Whe we got married 20 years ago, my husband's parents paid for the bar at the wedding and they hosted the rehearsal dinner, Brian and I paid for our honeymoon and the wedding favours and my parents paid for everything else. We had both just graduated from University and did not have any savings. My parents wanted specific things and they were willing to foot the bill for them. My husband's parents were not really involved with the decisions, which in my opinion absolved them of responsibility.

[Tink1]

We just had a wedding (mother of the groom) and we footed the entire bill. BUT our case was very different since the bride/bride's parents are from Beijing, China and they would be the only people on her side attending. Her parents did offer to contribute though and bought the wedding bands.

If it had been a case where both sides were attending, as MOG I would have paid for our side. I would also expect to have input into the planning as well in that case.

Otherwise I agree with VWL Mom, If I wasn't consulted then it would be the rehearsal dinner only.


Nanc

[vicster]

Our daughter is getting married in March - we're paying for the reception. The groom's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and giving them money for the photographer. This is fine with us as we want our daughter to have the wedding of her dreams - we only have one daughter. The bride and groom are paying for the dj.

[Lindsey310]

We got married 2 years ago....my in laws weren't going to pay for ANYTHING until I said something to my husband who said something to his parents. They ended up paying for the rehearsal dinner and wine on the tables at the wedding (we had open bar and a martini ice luge but my father in law wanted wine insisted on wine @ the tables) At least it was some contribution.

[TheDuckRocks]

Our family seems to have a sad history of strange or no help from the grooms side of the family.
Starting with my mother, during WWII, my dad's side of the family refused to even attend the wedding. They felt it "would never work". A year later my dad's mom demanded they have an anniversary party for which they refused to pay.
Next came me. My DH's family did not offer one cent towards anything. I paid for everything except for the photographer (my parents picked that up) and my husband paid for the church, our rings and the minister.
The next one to marry was my sister. Our parents picked up the whole tab for this one except for the rehearsal dinner. The grooms family did pay for that, although they held it at Denny's because, "We're not paying for a nice restaurant for people we don't know". They well could have afforded to do so, just mean and rude.
Next generation, my daughter and niece (married twice). Not so much as one dollar from any of the grooms families. But boy, did they feel free to offer all kinds of "suggestions". Even though they didn't pay for the rehearsal dinners, they all showed up for them.
Of course there are always exceptions to the rules, in July we attended a wonderful wedding where the groom's family paid for everything. The bride's mother was so furious that her daughter wouldn't wear her very 80's wedding gown, she refused to financially contribute at all.
Good luck to you. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they step up and offer at least to pay for the rehearsal dinner. If they don't, I think I might just casually ask, "Where are you planning on having the rehearsal dinner?" Couldn't hurt and at least you would know what or if they are planning to do.

[SurferStitch]

When my brother got married (1986), my parents paid for at least half of the wedding... I think a little more.

When I got married (1996), DH's family didn't have much money, and didn't offer to pay for anything. We didn't ask, either. My parents paid for everything... dress, flowers, photographer, reception, cake... the whole works. My parents wanted to do it, and the only thing my mom asked me to buy were the attendants' gifts, which was fine by me.

We didn't have a big rehearsal dinner (I really don't understand why people have big $$ dinners the night before the wedding... seems like such a waste of money). My mom instead (at my request) had a huge meal at our house with the bridal party and some very close family/friends. It was my last night in my house as a single woman... I wanted to be there, not at some restaurant. It was wonderful, and very intimate.

[TheVBs]

As SBETigg pointed out, things are changing. Most people are getting married at a time in their lives when they have jobs and are able to support themselves. I think a lot of couples are paying for their own weddings. When DH and I got married 16 years ago, we paid for everything. Our parents gave us money as wedding gifts, and just chose what they wanted or were able to give.

But, if for some reason the bride and groom aren't paying for their own wedding, there is absolutely no reason for the bride's family to shoulder all or the majority of the expenses. If the groom's family is able to go in half, doing anything less would be horribly cheap. The reasons that once made it traditional for the bride's family to foot the bill are long since obsolete.

[disneymom15]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I see we're not the only ones who've been snubbed by their soon to be inlaws.

[Tink1]

But, if for some reason the bride and groom aren't paying for their own wedding, there is absolutely no reason for the bride's family to shoulder all or the majority of the expenses. If the groom's family is able to go in half, doing anything less would be horribly cheap. The reasons that once made it traditional for the bride's family to foot the bill are long since obsolete.

As the mom of 2 boys I totally agree.

I have to wonder though, if the weddings that the grooms parents did not contribute were these parents included in setting the budget, planning etc. It is not just the brides day.

Nanc

[disney obsessed]

DD's fiancé has been to every meeting with vendors. Except dress shopping!

[disneymom15]

DD's fiancé has been to every meeting with vendors. Except dress shopping!

Same with my daughters fiance'. He's been involved in every aspect of the planning.

[SBETigg]

Same with my daughters fiance'. He's been involved in every aspect of the planning.

My understanding is that most engaged couples are paying for at least some of their own weddings these days. Has the groom offered? If the groom is in a position to pitch in, then maybe his parents are expecting that he has it covered? Did you offer to take on the whole expense? My daughter wouldn't expect me to pay for her wedding after paying for her college, though we would certainly help her out as much as we could, so I was wondering if the groom might help, since he has been part of the planning.

[Tink1]

Way back when the dinosaurs roamed, my husband and I paid for our wedding. We chose what we wanted and what we could afford without consulting either set of parents.

With my oldest, due to the circumstances, we did not sit and consult with her parent on venue, budget etc since we were paying the whole thing. The bride and groom were involved in the decisions since it was their wedding.

I would hope that with my youngest son (when the time comes) that the parents of the bride, the bride and groom, and my husband and I can all sit and set discuss what will be contributed by each and a budget set from that. He works in Manhattan and a wedding there is WAY beyond the cost of a wedding here. If the venue is there, I am sure there will have to be many concessions made to fit the event to the budget.

If the venue and the budget is set without our input we will happily do the rehearsal party and gift the couple the remainder of the money that is set aside (that amount will equal what we spent on his brothers wedding).

Just because the groom is involved does not mean the parents are being told anything. Boys are different!

Nanc