Etiquette question. Help

[Tiggerlovr9000]

We have just received a wedding reception invitation from an old family friend. We had a slight falling out but have known a long time. The invitation is addressed to my dh, myself and family. Here is the question my ds and his girlfriend are planning on getting engaged this summer so can we take her to the reception? I do not not want to slight her in anyway or hurt her feelings. Is it impolite to call and ask if we can bring her. I know weddings are expensive and maybe I should offer to pay for her dinner. What should I do?

[Seasonscraps]

I think it's impolite to call and ask to bring an extra guest to a wedding. There are usually financial and space limitations that partially controls the guest list.

Plus, the couple probably put a lot of thought to who they would invite to keep it fair and avoid hurt feelings. If they let you bring your son's girlfriend, what do they say to the next person that asks? and the next person?

[Tiggerlovr9000]

[QUOTE=ChristineC68;1838609]I think it's impolite to call and ask to bring an extra guest to a wedding. There are usually financial and space limitations that partially controls the guest list.

Plus, the couple probably put a lot of thought to who they would invite to keep it fair and avoid hurt feelings. If they let you bring your son's girlfriend, what do they say to the next person that asks? and the next person?[/QUOTE}

So should we just not go and send a gift or have our son not go so that we dont risk offending our future daughter in law.

[Stitchahula]

Ok let take a stab at this. Do the people inviting know your son is engaged? Is he going to be married at the time of this other wedding? You might want to call and ask who the invitation was for because it was a little confusing. I know with my wedding if there was someone engaged of course the future spouse was included, but you might just want to check.

[DizneyRox]

The invitation is for you and YOUR family. If your son got his own invitation with a plus 1 option then he can bring a date, otherwise he's not invited to bring a guest. At age 16 (maybe 18) though, I think a seperate invitation is in order for your son. Either they don't know how old your son is or didn't care to find out.

The possible engagement doesn't mean anything in this case. Regardless of if they are or not engaged (or even married) the "family" part of your invitation does not extend to her.

You can go or not and your son can go or not and any permutation of that. Sending a gift is up to you as well. If you go, I think a gift is expected. If not, I guess it depends on the reasons for the falling out. If I had a falling out with someone and out of the blue received a wedding invitation in the mail, I would probably file it in my circular file after I got done laughing out loud.

[SBETigg]

It shouldn't be a slight to your future daughter in law since a) she isn't yet an official part of your family, even if you think of her that way (which is sweet) and b) she obviously wouldn't be a known part of the family to people with whom you haven't kept in touch. I think she should understand that without getting hurt feelings. The safest thing to do would be to accept the invite on behalf of yourself and your husband. Does your son need to go? It would be fine for just the two of you to attend and then you can avoid the whole issue of hurt feelings or breaking propriety by bringing an extra along.

[Seasonscraps]

I think it's impolite to call and ask to bring an extra guest to a wedding. There are usually financial and space limitations that partially controls the guest list.

Plus, the couple probably put a lot of thought to who they would invite to keep it fair and avoid hurt feelings. If they let you bring your son's girlfriend, what do they say to the next person that asks? and the next person?

So should we just not go and send a gift or have our son not go so that we dont risk offending our future daughter in law.

That's up to you. If you want to go to the wedding, have a great time. If not, you can send a gift if you want but it's not required. Same for your son.

If you haven't been in touch with these family friends for a long time, I am not really sure why your son's girlfriend would be offended since they probably didn't know about her. But I can understand if your son doesn't want to go to the wedding without her.

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

When we got married, we were very careful in who we invited. If we had wanted your son to bring a date (even his financee), the invitation would have said that (and he would have gotten his own invite). We had some problems with people trying to extend the invite to others and although I'm sure they were all well-intentioned, it was super-frustrating.

So, I wouldn't call about bringing the financee, and leave it up to your son if he wants to go on his own.

I think that it is nice they invited you, sounds like it was a small falling out, but since you've known them so long, they want you at the wedding.

If just you and your husband go, that would be just fine.

[Ian]

I agree with most of the others here. Wedding invites are usually thought out very long and hard.

I know we spent literally days crafting our list, weeding people out, adding people, etc.

I think you should just accept that you, your husband, and your son and not make an issue of it.

Also, I can't see your son's fiancee getting that worked up about it. If your son didn't get a separate invite, there's no way she would have been invited.

[Stitchahula]

Ok I missed the part where you had the falling out. So let me go back on what I said.. don't call, the invite is for family only. I was thinking if you were such old friends it wouldn't be a big deal to just call and ask but not in this case. Don't offer to pay for her meal, I had monster in law doing that to me and there is still hard feelings about the fact that she couldn't invite who she wanted to my wedding. She wanted to invite people that even my husband didn't know. Most halls have a limit on how many people can be there anyways.

[Tiggerlovr9000]

Sorry about causing some confusion about the falling out. It was entirely my fault and I apologized but things have never quite been the same. We are a small town and see them often. Their children are very sweet and I love them. I think they addressed the invitation to us because that is what I do when I invite them, with everyones kids in college, its hard to get all the addresses. My son comes home for all breaks. They go to our church and are also my youngest daughters god parents. I just mentioned the falling out because their is a little tension and I did not want to add to it..Thanks for the advice..

[SBETigg]

Thanks for clarifying, Tracey. It was nice of them to extend the courtesy to bring family, and they may have even intended this to include the son's dear one. But there's no way of knowing, and it's really impossible to politely ask, I think. Your instinct to either accept on behalf of you and your husband only, or decline and send a gift, is probably the way to go, whichever makes you more comfortable. I would probably want to go, because I enjoy attending events.

[DizneyRox]

If the falling out was your fault, ignore what I said about laughing maniacally as I throw the invitation in the trash.

The rest stands...

[Tiggerlovr9000]

If the falling out was your fault, ignore what I said about laughing maniacally as I throw the invitation in the trash.

The rest stands...

LOL

[NotaGeek]

Here's a question ... do you want to go to the wedding?

I rarely go to weddings unless forced, or it's a close friend or family member. I decline the RSVP and send a present.

Maybe they only sent you an invitation because they felt they had to ... if your falling out is still as real to them as you think, they might not mind if your whole family just politely declines.

[Tiggerlovr9000]

Okay totally ignored everyone and called. She was so sweet and said they aren't doing RSVP's and the more the merrier. Maybe this will be the bridge to repairing our relationship. That would be wonderful..Thanks for your input.

[SBETigg]

Okay totally ignored everyone and called. She was so sweet and said they aren't doing RSVP's and the more the merrier. Maybe this will be the bridge to repairing our relationship. That would be wonderful..Thanks for your imput.

In that case, I'm so glad you ignored us all and called. Now you all get to go and have a really good time. In the end, it's not always about eitquette and what we perceive to be PC, is it? Your personal instinct led you to do the right thing. Enjoy the wedding and best wishes for getting your relationship on track.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I'm glad that things worked out for your family. Some weddings are planned so tightly that even 1 extra person could put the hall/reception over the legal limit and you could get in trouble with the fire marshall. It sounds like this is going to be a very relaxed reception rather than an uptight one. Those are the best kind. The relaxed ones not the uptight ones!