Need Advice *Updated 11/12/07*

[offwego]

I'm glad to see that she's gaining some weight.

I wouldn't worry too much about her feelings for you at this time. In the middle of all this therapy etc her views can change quickly and dramatically depending on what's been stirred to the surface most recently. (But I do agree with you that not discussing it with her sister would seem wise).

Hopefully you'll have even better news to post soon.

[tinksmom02]

Don't second guess all the help you've been giving her. I know she's going through a ton of stuff, and she's confused, and probably a little angry at everyone, for various reasons.

I agree, though, that you shouldn't discuss H with E anymore.

Glad she's moved up to Level 2, though! That's progress!!

[ShelbyAD]

Sorry it's been so long since my last update. Before now there hasn't been any major updates. This might be a long reply.

First of all, she will be home by Jan 13th. She is now back up to 99 pounds. She is even more depressed that she has gained all of her weight back. When she first hit 99 pounds, that's when she stopped eating. Now she knows that she weighs that again and is upset about it.

She will be going to extreme intensive out patient therapy when she comes home. She will be home schooled/tutored and go to therapy every day from 9-4. She will be going home at night.

Since my last post, she still has not talked to me, nor does she want to. It's been 4 weeks.

She told DH today that she does not want anyone to talk about her time in FL and she specifically mentioned me. She also said that she doesn't want me to "talk" to her about anything. Gee, those are going to be interesting weekends.

She's talking to her mother and having conversations, but still feeling insecure about it. I guess since I'm not a parent, she doesn't have to talk to me (with the therapist).

Need opinion here: "E" and I had gone shopping for "H" after Thanksgiving for Christmas. We will be giving her the gifts some time in January. We got her: Oriental soaps, scented hand lotions, a manicure set, nail polish, nail dryer and some stocking stuffers. "E" helped pick everything out. Do you think I should NOT give her those things and get something else? I don't know what to do. I don't know if those items will make her think I want her to look beautiful or that she needs those things go look beautiful. She doesn't want anyone saying anything about how she looks. I don't know what to do.

DH and I don't really discuss her. We definately do not see "eye to eye" on her. We just end up fighting about it, so we don't discuss her too often. He has a blind fold on when it comes to her. I "see" what she's really doing and I think she knows that.

[Cinderelley]

I'm assuming that you picked those things out because they are things she would enjoy. If that's the case, I would give them to her. Maybe it will help her feel "beautiful" in ways not related to her weight.

You have a tough road ahead. DH & I never see eye to eye on his son either, so I'm sure you're feeling frustrated and a little hurt like I get. I do feel that it's wrong to exclude you because you're not a biological parent. A stepparent can be just as instrumental in a child's live as a biological one, but that's just my feelings on it. I'm sure they have their own way of thinking about it.

Send , , and lots of prayers while everything works itself out. Just remember, as my mother always tells me, "This too shall pass."

[SBETigg]

I think giving her anything that has to do with her personal appearance could be a mistake now. I would choose something else for her, maybe a nice journal and pen set or drawing materials, or music she may enjoy, something that might allow her some room for self-expression.

I'm glad she is improving, but it sounds as if she still isn't taking responsibility for her issues or seeing the full problem. You'll have a long road ahead, but the main thing is that she is getting that counseling and hopefully getting a little closer to healthy all the time. You obviously care a lot about her and I'm sure it's not easy on you now to be in your position. I think you're right that you're seeing more than she wants you to see. Hugs to you.

[bleukarma]

Shelby, I’m sorry for everything that you and your family are going through. It seems like it has really torn some things apart. My prayers are with you in hopes that eventually everything will work out for the better. I am not a parent, so I really don’t know how to handle things when it comes to kids. When H gets back, I would suggest mentioning to her that she can talk to you about anything, no matter how bad it is. I wouldn’t expect a reply back, I would just throw it out there and go on with your day. Maybe at some point she will actually open up to you. Or, she might get mad. But you reaching out to her like that might make her think that you are really there for her, but you are not going to put pressure on her. Just realize that for months and month, and from 9-4 when she gets back, she has been expected to talk about her feelings. I can’t blame her for not wanting to talk about her feelings some. Even though everybody (her mom, her dad, her sister) will want her to, she probably won’t want to. If that is her wishes the respect them and let the professional drudge through the issues she has. One day she will open up to everyone. She’s probably just not ready for it now.

As far as the Christmas gifts go, I think they are wonderful gifts! But for someone that has gone through so much work on her appearance lately she may not appreciate them. I have no clue what goes on in other peoples minds (if only!) so I don’t know…she may love them. But I would suggest something more teenage mainstream like a cd or dvd that you know she has wanted. Something that can continually give her enjoyment. Maybe tickets to a concert she has been wanting to go to. However, I wouldn’t stress too much about the gift…I don’t think a Christmas gift is going to make her love you or hate you. She is going to have to work her feelings out on her own with her therapy. In the end you know that you will always love her and be there for her, and hopefully one day she will realize it too. Just know that it might take some time.

[ShelbyAD]

Well, "H" came home last night (11:30pm) DH flew down there yesterday morning and flew back late last night.. She doesn't want to be home, she wants to stay at the treatment center. Apparently she didn't sleep last night (neither did I) - she kept getting up and closing doors. She may have been in the bathroom, but kept closing it loudly, which woke me up every time. I hope she wasn't throwing up. Maybe not because of the food she had eaten, but from nerves. She goes home to her mother today. DH is taking her to her Out-Patient therapy [OPT] (she goes from 9am to 2pm).

Starting Monday (1-14-08) I will have to meet the mother somewhere between where she works and I work, then I take "H" to her OPT. The building is closer to my work than the mother's. DH will pick her up everyday at 2pm and take her home to her mother's.

[the girls don't have their own room - they sleep on aerobeds in the living room -they're only sleeping at our house 4 nights a month] She slept with the kitchen light on all night.

She had thick black eye liner all around her eyes (she looks like a raccoon). I didn't say a word to her. Physically she looks great, healthy! Once we got home, I said to her "it's good to have you home." she just rolled her eyes and went into the living room. I went to bed.

[TXTigger]

I just wanted to send a and let you know that I am thinking of you and your family and praying for ya'll.

[ShelbyAD]

Finally some good news. DH was running a little late this afternoon in picking "H" up at the OPT. So he called me and asked me to pick her up and just wait with her until he could get there.

We actually talked. She seemed happy to see me. We talked about all of my shopping sprees, the flea market that is coming in a couple of weeks. She seems ok with me taking her to her OPT every morning.

For the first time in almost a year, she was happy & cheerful. Hopefully it will continue. She seemed sad that she won't be coming back over our house for a couple of weeks (26 & 27). She's happy to be home and excited to see her brother (4 almost 5) & sister.

Her nasty attitude seemed to be gone, for the moment. Hopefully it won't come back.

[offwego]

I'm glad she seemed better this afternoon, it must have been so hard to not know what to say or do with her.

Hopefully the postive trend will continue.

[pink]

That's great that she is starting to be friendly with you again, I hope she stays happy!

[tinksmom02]

I'm glad that H is home, and that she seems to be thawing towards you. Hopefully things will continue in this positive manner.