Need Advice *Updated 11/12/07*

[DisneyDudet]

If she goes to the dentist anytime soon, speak with the dentist or hygienist about her symptoms, and they can see if the enamel on her teeth is wearing away or not, a big sing of purging.

Also, if "bathroom time" is taken away, I wouldn't be surprised if she hides it in her closet. Those with EDs will go to great lengths to control this part of their life.

Please keep us informed.

[Disneyatic]

I told him that we are NOT to give "H" (14 yr old) any money. But he doesn't want to give "E" money behind H's back either. I don't think that's fair either. E should get the money for helping. They helped him renovate the bathroom - which we are still working on.

I am coming in on this discussion late but it breaks my heart. My best friend of 20 years began suffering from anorexia our senior year in high school and it was a long hard road.
She is an absolutely beautiful girl, 5ft7, blonde hair, the whole package. I started noticing that it took her FOREVER to eat and there would always be lots of food left over. It got worse and worse and she got down to under 85 pounds. She grew a type of fuzzy hair on her body (I guess the bodies was of insulating itself since there is no body fat), her hair became brittle and she eventually had to be admitted to the hospital with dehydration and kidney stones.
Thankfully, she got ahold of her illness after about 2 years for struggles and hard work and she has continued to do well. She still has body image issues and probably always will. She says that it was a control issue. She felt like she couldn't control anything else, so she starting depriving herself of food and getting a weird exhilaration from ordering big meals and not letting herself eat them.

I think that you are doing wonderful by noticing things so quickly and acting on them. We just kept a "well it must be a phase" attitude and before any of us or her parents knew it, it was out of control.
My only question is, why are you not going to give "H" any money if she does chores at your house? This might be construed as punishing her for being sick or having a problem.
I am not a professional and this is just my opinion, but I think that may weaken the healing process and damage the communication lines that you are trying to keep open with her.

[ShelbyAD]

My only question is, why are you not going to give "H" any money if she does chores at your house?

Because we are afraid she will buy diet pills and/or laxatives. "H" had mentioned that she was "desperate" (yes, actually said desperate)for money. I asked her if it was for clothes and/or Christmas and she said no. What should we make of that?

I could talk to her mother and see if she can watch out to see if she does buy them or not. She could always go through her bathroom & bedroom while they are at our house. Is that going too far?

[Disneyatic]

Well with that justification I totally understand the hesitation to give her money. I didn't even think about the possibility of her buying laxitives and diet pills.
In other circumstances I think going thru the bathroom and bedroom would be extreme, but I don't think that going thru the bathroom and her bedroom will be going to far in this case. She has given you reason for all the extreme actions and it is for her well being at this point.

I was not trying to be rude or presumptuous at all, I hope my comment wasn't taken the wrong way!

Once again I commend you for all of the foresight and action that you are all taking into her health and well being. It will be a long hard road but worth all the work to get and keep her healthy.

[ShelbyAD]

Well, things are coming into "focus" now. The last time she was at our house - she ate. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner & Dessert. Granted not alot of food, but ate. She did not give us any trouble, complaints, nothing. In fact, she helped make dinner the whole weekend.

Well. DH talked to his Ex and apparently "H" does not eat at her mother's house. When she does, she is fighting with her mother about eating. The Ex said that she has to "make" H eat.

DH & I have come to the conclusion that "H" is doing this to hurt her mother - but not realizing that she is hurting herself.

"H" has a doctor's appointment with her PCP tomorrow (9-7-07). Along with that appointment, the PCP will recommend/refer her to some councelors who deal with eating disorders. In fact "H" is looking forward to seeing a councelor. Hopefully talking to someone who is not a family member will help her.

[WDWFanatic]

Your DSD is in my thoughts, I hope the doctors visit went well and she can be helped soon.

Please let us know how it went.

[Flower]

So sorry to hear about DSD, but at least she is willing to go to the Dr's and to see a counselor.

Even if you were to go thru her room & Bathroom to look for pills, now that school is back in it would be just as easy for her to keep diet pills in her locker. I would still go thru her stuff at home - but keep the school locker in mind.

If she is arguing/not getting along with mom, is there a possibility she could move in with you & DH? Even if it was only temporary.

Just wondering about removing the locks from the bathroom doors so that you can keep an eye on her if she has been in there too long. Yes, it would inconvenience everyone else who went in, but her health is more important. I agree that if she is trying to vomit she may turn to a closet or go elsewhere - but at least it would remove 1 option and that lock is a lot of security.

I think it is great that you & DH are speaking with his Ex about all of this. It sounds like you all are on the same page and the communication is going to be important to help DSD get through all of this!

[ShelbyAD]

Things have gone from bad to worse. She is now down to 85 pounds. Her face is "caving in". She looks like Karen Carpenter (only shorter).

She is in COMPLETE denial of her problem. She thinks her weight is fine. She doesn't want to weigh 100+. Part of this is passing the 100 pound mark. I remember it being tramatic when I was her age. But most girls get over it.

She's lying more and straight to our faces. Over the weekend we had burgers & tater tots for lunch one day. She ate the burger. I left the table to clean up. Later that day I asked her what she did with the tater tots. She said she ate them. Her sister told me that she lied about eating them. She didn't. I told DH - he confronted "H" about it. She had nothing to say about it.

Also over the weekend, he gave her a hug, broke down & cried and she didn't care. All she said was "can we talk about this later" - but with a severe attitude. She doesn't care that she is hurting everyone around her, her mother & step-father's marriage, her sister, everyone. She also said that she doesn't care if she dies or has to repeat the 9th grade (due to being out of school for rehab).

We found a great place in one of the hospital's here. It's a Nutrition & Wellness Center. We're hoping to get her started before the end of the week.

Her mother is about to have a nervous break down - so is my DH. He is still doing some renovations on our house, so that keeps his mind busy during the day, but when he's done at the end of the day with that, the thoughts of "H" makes him sad & cries.

[bucky at disney]

Just a note to let you know that I am praying for your entire family. My heart just aches for all of you....it saddens me to hear of situations like this.

[bleukarma]

Here is some pixie dust for your family in hopes that things get better. I can only imagine how hard it is. Although I have never had an eating disorder I did hate the way I looked throughout all of my teen years (as most girls did). No matter what your DSD does chances are she won't think about the effect it is having on the rest of the family, most teenagers don't.

I know I'm chiming in late on the giving her money issue but instead of giving the girls money for help fixing the house then maybe you can give them gift cards to their favorite store or something. That way they both get something and it's not cash that "H" can go out and buy pills with. Although it's probably a mute point right now. I hope the Center helps her out!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!!!

[ShelbyAD]

Thank you all for your Pixie Dust & Prayers. When we say our prayers at dinner, I also pray that she will eat and get better.

She has an appointment at the Wellness Center tomorrow afternoon.

She seems happy & excited about it. Part of why she is doing this is for attention. She wants to be the center of everyone's universe.

No, she doesn't realize what she is doing to everyone. She thinks she's fine and we're the ones with a problem, thinking she has a problem.

She is also petrified (sp?) of reaching the 100 pound mark. She will have to get over it.

[Mickey'sGirl]

I am sending for your daughter's visit tomorrow -- and for both of her families.

[The Bookseller]

Here's some in the hope she snaps out of this state.

[ShelbyAD]

UPDATE:

DSD went to a Nutrition & Wellness Center that deals only with eating disorders. When they weighed her, she was wearing nothing but a hospital gown. She weighed 82 pounds. Her blood pressure was only 70/50 The doctor was surprised that she was not passed out/unconscience.

DH took her to the appointment. Later he told me what had happened. In the course of him telling me - I noticed 3 things that she lied to the doctor about. DH did not know that they were lies. From now on, me & his Ex are going to have to write down things "H" is and is not doing, so when DH takes her to her appointments, he will know just about everything that is going on.

Her next appointment is Sept 25th. She will be seeing a "shrink" & the doctor who saw her at her last appointment.

They said they need to work on her mental state, then work on her nutrition. We are going to make sure she eats, healthy & "fatty" foods. The doctor said she needs food with fat in them.

We also have to make sure she drinks something other than water. That's the only thing she drinks. When she is at our house, we give her a glass of milk. She drinks it, but it takes her forever to drink it. She looks at it like were giving her rat poision or something that should have a skull on the bottle. She won't drink Gatorade either. She can barely stand to eat a Granola bar. She said it has too much fat in it. Last I checked they only had about 5-8 grams of fat (I could be wrong though).

[WDWFanatic]

My heart is breaking for your poor dsd. As hard as it has been on you all imagine what she is going through. Maybe you could talk to her doctors about some books you and your family could find out about her disorder. So many women fight this battle for years. Hopefully she can get by this sooner than later.

I know you are doing the best you can to deal with her, but remember she's probably hurting just as much. To me it seems like her younger sister outshines her in ways so maybe this is how she can get attention. Even though it's not good attention, but she knows she can't get the grades.

Please know your family is in our thoughts and prayers.

[ShelbyAD]

Oh, no. Her grades are great. In fact, she just got her progress report. She got 3 A's and 1 B. At her HS they have 4 classes a day, but they are 1.5 hours long. She is very smart.

[bleukarma]

Any new updates? How did the appointment on the 25th go?

[ShelbyAD]

Yes there are. Things have been crazy at home and at work. Sorry.

She sees a therapist, specialist & Nutritionist every week (very expensive too - $150 a week for all 3 - cash out of our pocket)

Her weight is stable - meaning she is not loosing anymore. The Nutritionist gives her a new menu each week of foods she has to eat and how much of it. Right now she has to eat 3,500 calories just to gain 1 pound. Man, if I ate that much, I would gain 20 pounds hehehehehehe

She is getting the color back in her face. She's looking better. Still very skinny (80 pounds) but doesn't look like "death warmed over" anymore.

She started eating (at our house at least) Banquet frozen dinner & Campbell's Chunky soups (neither of them are on her menu - which, to us, is a good thing that she is eating them). Since her blood pressure is only 75 / 54 - she doesn't have to worry too much about sodium. Since she only eats those dinners on the weekends . . . .

She has another appointment tomorrow.

Thank you for asking/caring

[bleukarma]

I'm glad to hear that things are getting better!

[DizNee143]

glad to hear she is doing better!!