Why are weddings so stressful??

[conorsmom2000]

Okay, I know already this will be long and rambly, so I'll say "sorry" now!

To start, my sister, Laurie, is getting married a week from Saturday. She is marrying Mark, literally, the boy next door – we’ve been best friends with his family since we moved in next door when I was 2 years old. Laurie and Mark are both 41 (this is Mark’s 2nd marriage, and he has a 15 year old son). Mark also has a sister, Karen, who is a few years older, and she is married with 2 kids (she also used to be Conor’s babysitter when I worked).

First, a little background – Laurie and Mark were always best friends, though she has always had a secret crush on him. There are 7 kids in my family and Laurie is #5 in the line up – she had been, in every sense of the word, the true baby of the family – until, oops, surprise! My Mom had twins – myself and my brother, Terry. Laurie was 5 when we were born and not too happy with this sudden turn of events! She lived at home until she was 31 – she had always played the role of family martyr and total “right arm” for my both parents (including working for my Dad for 8 years). Then, when being the martyr for so long got to her, she decided to move to Michigan, to be near some cousins. While there, she finally wrote Mark a letter (confessing her feelings – he had been divorced a few years at this point) and he felt the same way, so, she moved back home (into an apartment with my sister) and they began dating. This is her one and only serious relationship – she literally waited for him all these years. So, she tends to be a little neurotic and jealous, like someone who is much younger.

Now, we never thought they would get married. Mark was devastated by things his ex-wife did, and felt guilt about his son, so, he honestly told her from day 1 that he never wanted to get married again. She didn’t care. And lo and behold, 8 years later, he proposed. But, he also told her he didn’t want more children – she says she is okay with that, but I don’t think she really is and it’s made her very bitter - she's not th same person she once was.

Now she asked me to be her Matron of Honor – this was a little tricky as when I asked her to be my Maid of Honor 10 years ago, she said no. She said she’d done the maid of honor thing 3 times and while she was willing to help me in any way, she didn’t want to do it again. I was fine with that, and I was fine when she asked me to be hers, and I did say yes. At the time, they said they wanted a small wedding, no big deal, and a small bridal party. So, Mark asked his BIL John (Karen’s husband) to be best man, then they asked Sean (Mark’s son) and my niece Alyssa who is 17. Oh, and Conor’s the ring bearer. Now, Alyssa and I were told we could wear whatever we wanted, as long as we coordinated (versus clashing!). I thought that was great as we are 20 years apart and it would be tricky to find a dress that was good for both of us.

So, we start looking – I found a burgundy halter dress at David’s bridal for $99 – it looked great, Laurie loved it. Right after I buy it, she says “I wonder if Alyssa would like it”. Um, if you want us to wear the same dress, you should have said that earlier! Well, she calls Alyssa, asks her to try the dress on – it looks awful. Does not work for her at all. So, myself and my SIL (Alyssa’s Mom, who’s footing the bill for all this as Alyssa is in HS!) figure Alyssa will find something that coordinates. Um, no. We keep getting calls to try on dresses! In the end, we now have matching dresses to wear that day (with shoes), that have cost me over $350, with the first dress hanging in my closest, that I can’t return.

Then comes the shower. She says “it’s only the two of you hosting it, make it small”. Um, but then the guest list keeps growing and outgrows the possibility of having it at someone’s house. So, there’s another $500 each for a shower at a restaurant, plus gift (my other sister, not in the wedding, did help with the shower cost, or it would have been more).

Then Conor – when she asked him to be in the wedding, she said something like that I might be able to find a suit that works for the wedding and works for his communion next year. Next thing I know I’m being asked to get him fitted for a tux - $145 for a tux for a 7 year old!

Honestly, I don't really care about the money, but more about the fact that it was all supposed to be so simple, and has all become so huge - and between the way things have been constantly all over the place (the stuff with the dresses only happened two months ago, she changed the venue from a park to a church two months ago, she wrote the wrong time on the response cards……etc!) and the fact that she expects me to be at her beck and call, I’ve kind of had it. I do sometimes think to myself “this is all for the person that refused to do this for me?” But, then I let it go – what can you do? She is the bride, it is her day and I did agree to do this.

But, the real issue is with my Dad. My Mom died 5 years ago and this is the first family wedding without her. Well, my Dad is just an old fashioned, stubborn, kind of cranky guy who likes things his way. We all just tend to be like “that’s Dad” and we deal with it – but, losing his bride of 48 years definitely made things worse. Now, just like with my sister and I, he offered to pay for her reception and Laurie will foot the bill for the rest. Now, he does expect that he gets to call many of the shots because of this – I guess I never realized how much Mom must have run interference for me, but right now the tension between my Dad and my sister is so bad, I’m afraid he won’t show at the wedding (yes, that is something he would do – he is that stubborn). First, he’s mad about the invitations – Laurie worded them in such a way that she was able to include my Mom’s name (Laurie, daughter of Tom and the late Mary Anne….and Mark, Son of….) which is a little odd, but I understand how hard this is on her, not to have her Mom here. But, my Dad is livid because he feels with his name not being on top, he’s not getting “credit”! Now, he’s also mad because she had the response cards sent back to her house, not his – he feels they should be coming to him. She feels she’s 41, living with Mark and they should be getting them. Then, they go to plan the menu – she wants this something extra, he won’t pay for it. She’s mad as it’s her day, he thinks she’s ungrateful – which, to a certain extent, she is – she thinks as the bride, her wish is all of our commands. But, bottom line is that neither one will discuss the issues, as is typical in my family. So, Dad is just cranky and short with her (and all of us – I think he stayed here for 30 minutes on Easter and didn’t say a word to anyone), she’s an emotional wreck. Today she called him to do seating arrangements and he told her “you do it”. So, she sends my sister Kate and I an email saying “she’s done with him and his attitude” and cried at work all day.

Somehow, someway, I’ve always been the peace keeper in the family – I’m the one person that everyone in the family talks to, goes to, who holds the gatherings, or we’d never see each. So, when the drama happens, I get it tenfold, from every side. Everyone goes through me to communicate and I’ve had it. Out of my seven siblings 4 of us live in the same town (as does my Dad), my sister Kate lives 45 minutes away, and then I have a brother in Texas and a sister in Colorado. My house is constantly grand central station and forget it when there’s tension – you should see the emails I got from half of them, just regarding what happened today!

And, believe it or not, this is only half of it – she just told me that she expects to sleep at my house the night before the wedding and get dressed here – oh, and she expects me to kennel my dog and cat (my 14 year old cat, who has never been kenneled!) So, first thing I ask her is “did you discuss this with Dad as, if you are not getting dressed at your own house, I’m sure he is expecting you to get dressed there”. She said no, she doesn’t want to talk to him. Great. I guess my sister Kate and I always tend to take the route that is going to cause less stress with Dad, while Laurie wants things her way, though it will cause tension. Maybe she’s right, maybe she’s wrong – but the stress is just crazy. I know my wedding had some bumps in the road, but I don’t remember it getting to this point. Mike and I really only cared about good food, good music and good (that’s an Irish wedding for you!) But, between our family stress, Mark’s family stress (his sister is livid her kids aren’t in it, his Mother thinks they are going to embarrass her with all their Harley Davidson themed stuff.....), all everyone keeps saying is “I can’t wait until this over”. That’s such a shame!! How do weddings bring out so much bad, when it should be all good?

Okay, I’ve vented – everyone vented to me all day, so I needed to get some of this out (yes, there’s even more!) or I thought I would explode. I’m sure it doesn’t all make sense, as I was jumping around, but I appreciate your “listening”!!!

[CAS]

I certainly know what you mean. I think those kind of stressors happen as often as they don't happen. I also think it happens more when things are a little more complicated; previous marriages with previous kids, deceased relatives, stubbornness that comes with age, who gets the bill and what not, etc.

Ours was simple, two 24 year olds out of college, bride plans it, father of the bride pays (how would we have afforded it anyway!) and everyone goes home happy.

But when families with strong personalities and of all ages all jump into the mix you get a big blend of ego's and opinions that really makes it hard for weddings to run smoothly. I would almost call that normal!

[PirateLover]

I'm sure getting that all out felt good.

I too don't understand why weddings seem to get so crazy and convoluted...but then again I've yet to be a bride!

I just know that I saw the what happened with other people's weddings and I've vowed to myself that I will never let it happen to me... In one, the parents of the bride were divorced and even though Dad was paying for most of the wedding/reception, Mom had to have control. So Dad didn't even show at the receptions= because he was not "allowed" to bring his long-time gf because of Mom's jealousies and inability to forgive. Add to that the fact that Mom dictated who is invited, and almost an entire side of the family got snubbed. To me, that is so wrong.

I think some brides kind of need to take a step back and not be so selfish. In a sense, yes, it is "your" day, but in another sense, it is a day for your family and friends as well. That is why you invite them. You want them to share in everything with you, so you should take some of their feelings into consideration as well.

Have you tried talking to Mark about how things seem to be escalating with Laurie's actual wedding plans as well as her stress level? I know you mentioned he has his own family stresses, but I'm just wondering if perhaps your sister will listen more to him since she seems to have so much love and respect for him to have waited so long for this relationship. Other than that, I'm not really sure what to say because I know my dad is stubborn as well and sometimes it just makes things worse when you try to "calmly" point things out to him. I'm sure the same applies with your sis. I will send some your way.... keep us updated as to how the saga plays out

[Caroleh]

I'm glad you got that all out,Jen. Sometimes it helps just to vent. It seems that marriages and funerals brings out the worse in people. I know when my younger sister got married she didn't have anyone from our side be in the wedding party, after promising my DD that she could be a flower girl. I'm her only sister, my DD was 1 of 2 nieces and she had 1 nephew. She had everyone from her DH's family in the wedding party. I was so hurt, that I didn't go to the wedding and neither did my DB. She hasn't really talked to either one of us since. Maybe we were wrong, maybe we weren't...she did ask us to her an expensive gift that my DB or I couldn't afford at the time also..which she didn't get. We did buy her a gift, but didn't receive a thank you. Just to show you it's just not your family or sister. (BTW, both times I got married I had a simple wedding..a couple standing up for us at their house, no family...SO much easier!!!

[conorsmom2000]

Have you tried talking to Mark about how things seem to be escalating with Laurie's actual wedding plans as well as her stress level?

Sadly, the lack of communication applies to Mark and Laurie as well! For example, I've known all along that his sister Karen was furious that her two kids (ages 13 and 17) weren't in the wedding - in his sisters mind (understandably) Mark just has one niece and one nephew, neither are in the wedding. Laurie has 7 nieces and nephews, 2 are in the wedding. I'm the one that Karen keeps venting to about this as well - so, I'm tried to nicely let my sister know that Karen is furious. My sister, though, just keeps saying "oh well. We wanted a small bridal party". Well, they finally asked Cassidy (the niece) to do a reading. At that point, Karen went off on Mark, letting him know how upset she was. Mark just kept saying he was sorry. Now, Laurie wasn't there when this happened - think Mark has ever told her? Nope. Mark is as big of an avoider as she is, and since Cassidy said yes to doing the reading, I guess he thinks Laurie doesn't need to know. But, she's going to be a part of this family that's totally upset with her - don't you think this is something they should talk about?? So, unfortunately, I know that if I did talk to Mark, he wouldn't do anything about it.

I tried to get Laurie to have a family pizza night here this weekend, with my Dad, my siblings, Conor's cousin's, the whole crew - just a night to destress and where Kate and I could try and mend fences. But, nope, she decided to send Dad an email about all of this!

This is so the perfect smilie for all of this!!

[January-2007]

You poor thing! Here's some that somehow, everyone can just take a breather. Our wedding was wonderful. We'd been engaged for over two years, then we planned the whole wedding in less than a month. Just me, DH, and the parents. It was very low key. I don't regret a thing. It just seems these days people start caring more about the wedding than the actual marriage, and then it's like, what's the point? It must be so hard on you to be the glue in the family, and I don't envy your position. I'll keep you in my prayers that everyone can just get along enough to get through this. Family sure is fun, isn't it?

[DVC2004]

I think some brides kind of need to take a step back and not be so selfish. In a sense, yes, it is "your" day, but in another sense, it is a day for your family and friends as well. That is why you invite them. You want them to share in everything with you, so you should take some of their feelings into consideration as well.

Well said! The biggest reason hubby and I had a county courthouse wedding was because both our families are nuts-o. And I am Catholic so this was a very difficult choice for me.There is constant fighting, disfunction, and jealousy on each side. I just didn't want to deal with it. My SIL's especially are always assumming things and accusing, "Mom and Dad didn't do this or that for me!" Well, the truth is "Mom and Dad" didn't do anything for us. We'vve paid our own way in life from the beginning but SIL's like to think we were given money or assistance which is not true at all. They had the nerve to say that my MIL and FIL helped us buy our house- totally untrue!

Jen, I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't mean to imply there is disfunction; only commenting on my own families. I guess I would just say step back and don't try to be peacemaker this time. I know it's hard ( I am the same way) but this is one of those times where it will be what it is. Also I guess at this time if she comes up with any more specific, expensive requests, be firm and tell her politely that you just can't afford to invest any more in these extras/last minute changes and you are sorry. If she has to have something a certain way at this point then she should chip in. It's unfair to expect people keep digging deeper when this was not the original plan. And, you've been more than cooperative so far...

I probably sound pretty cold! I'm not. It's just that after years of being the "glue" and the peacemake myself I've finally stopped putting things on me. Now if someone does or says something in either family that causes stress and general friction I tell them what's on my mind. It had been way too long that several family members went around with no regard for anyone but themselves/thier own interests. Totally clueless they were hurting or alienating in thier words and actions. And surprisingly, it's been working! Good luck and big hugs! Keep in mind the wedding will come and it will all be over soon!

[kakn7294]

Gee Jen, I'm an emotional wreck after reading your post - I don't know how you are surviving it all! Here's a big and some that all works out. Hopefully all involved will mellow out and things will fall into place. I don't understand why weddings have to be so stressful. You would think that people would try to work things out instead of bickering back and forth about dumb things that no one will remember in 5 yrs anyway (oh, but they will remember the bickering and fighting!). Does it really matter what kind of food you have as long as it's good - the guests won't know any different. Does it really matter whose name is where on the invitations - most people will throw it away after the wedding anyway. I know your sister wants things her way (and that's her right as it is her day), but she has to realize that she needs to give and take a little - it can't be all her way unless she's paying for it all. If Dad is footing the bill (or part of it), he has plenty of say as well. Except for the fact that you would make everybody angry at you with only days left before the wedding, I would suggest that you send out a group e-mail to everyone telling them that you are stepping back and don't want to hear from anyone about what this person did or what that person did. As far as your sister staying with you, if you want her to stay with you, tell her that the dog and cat will not be crated - that is their home and they will not be locked away to suit her. If she's concerned about her gown, lock it in another room where the animals won't have access to it. At this point, I would have had more than enough of this and told her off by now - I give you credit for putting up with it. Good luck and I'll bet you can't wait until this is over! (couldn't resist!)

[ElenitaB]

Jen, what a situation!

They do say that there is good stress and bad stress... this whole affair must go into the good stress category! Sorry you have to be stuck in the midst of it.

I had an non-existent wedding... we got married in City Hall and had no shower, reception, invitations, etc. After 10 years of living together, I didn't feel the need, I guess.

Good luck and I do hope that the day turns out nice for all concerned. We're here for you so vent away!

[ibrowse17]

Because everyone forgets that it is your wedding, and tries to make it their own. That almost happened for ours, but I had to put my foot down. Good luck

[Dsnygirl]

Wow, Jen - I am so sorry you have to go through this!! Who would have thought being the "peacemaker" of the family would be such hard work, right?? Just keep thinking "it's almost over, it's almost over..." I hope it helped to "get it out"... I know sometimes just getting your feelings on paper (or on the computer ) really helps you feel better, or at least puts things in better perspective. You've got such a good attitude about it all - I don't blame you at all for finally feeling like you've had it!! Keep smiling... the wknd's almost here!!

[Marker]

To answer the question ---- ATTITUDE, or becasue it's allowed to.

And the stress usually comes from BAD ATTITUDE.

People stick their noses where they don't belong; People worry about things that don't need worried about; People refuse to accept that the event is about the bride and groom getting married and not ABOUT THEM; People don't understand the concept of "just go along", or "go with the flow";

If people would mind their own business, and understand that it's not about them, it's about the BRIDE AND GROOM, most of the stress could go away. If they want a small wedding, that's their business, if they want to be married in an outhouse, so be it; if the bride want to get dress at a truck stop restroom, why should it matter to anyone else; Who they pick to be in the wedding is who they pick, be happy for them. If the bride and groom want it, if they are ok with it, then why is it anyone else's business.

Most stress is created because people choose to. And I don't think I'll ever understand that.

Good luck, be supportive, and let the chips fall where they may.

[Tinkerfreak]

Jen,
Take a big deep breath, close your eyes and imagine that you are at WDW sipping your favorite drink while watching your favorite show. It will all be over soon so just hang in there. I am also the peacemaker in my family and used to really let my brother and sister get to me. A few years ago my wonderful DH bought me a beautiful big diamond ring for Christmas and when I showed it to the family they all said mean things and one actually said I did not deserve it. I was so hurt that they were not happy for me that I cried all the way home. After thinking about it I decided that I was just not going to let them get to me any more and that I was no longer going to be the peacemaker. From then on I have stopped worrying if they are going to argue, if they do so what leave me out of it. I no longer care what they think, my immediate family is the only family I need to please.
Yes it is your sister (and her fiance's) special day but when you agreed to be in the wedding it was surposed to be low key, if she chooses to change things she needs to realize that it is not ok to add extra expenses for you because that is not what you agreed to. I know it must be hard because I'm sure you almost feel caught in the middle between your sister and your Dad. I really wish she could put her feelings aside and get ready for the wedding at your Dad's house because it would probably mean alot to him, even moreso now that your Mom is gone.
I wish I had some magical advice for you to help make all the stress go away but sorry I don't have any.
I hope that when the day arrives all parties involved can put their differences aside and remember what it all surposed to be about. The sharing in the love of two people who have committed to sharing a life together.
Good Luck.

[offwego]

Honestly I think they've gotten so stressful because they are sooo expensive.

Everyone (bridal party, guests etc) has to spend money they may or may not have chosen to spend that way just to participate (afterall you bought two dress right?). The bride and groom are also spending a fair chunk of change on everything as is dad etc.

Most of expect other high $$ cost things such as a home purchase, going off to college, etc to be stressful but we kid ourselves that weddings will somehow be different. It's just not realistic when you look at how stressful most people find anything to do with money to be.

Add in different families with different expectations, a society that has created a theory that it's "all about the bride's day" etc and the whole "princess" aspect and you may as well just run away screaming at the start.

Mind you I still say for weird concepts my mom and step dad trying to plan a camping trip for my wedding weekend is up there. (we were on good terms no big arguments they just forgot the date). We had an itsy bitsy wedding and if I could do it over it would likely be even smaller. (my dream do-over involves DH, DS the poly and a couple of tuxes and a fancy dress for me...dinner afterwards at V & A's)..

Jenn in the meantime..vent here, run a nice bath, grab a completely unimportant & silly book or magazine (not the time for war & peace), a coffee or wine glass and lock the door for 45 minutes or so.

[conorsmom2000]

(afterall you bought two dress right?).

Yep, I have 2 dresses - 1 wedding! The kicker, though, was when I told her that I was probably going to list the first dress on ebay, as I have no use for it - she asked me if I would mind waiting until August because she has a wedding to go to, so if she could fit into it by then, she'd like to borrow it!

I really wish she could put her feelings aside and get ready for the wedding at your Dad's house because it would probably mean alot to him, even moreso now that your Mom is gone.

That's how my sister Kate and I feel - both my sister Eileen and I got ready at Mom's & Dad's, and my Dad is a huge one for tradition - so I'm sure he's expecting her to get ready there. It's totally her choice, but I do wish she would see that as hard as this is for her, with Mom not here, it's hard for Dad too. Honestly, the only difference between getting ready there or here is he has no animals, so in a sense, it's actually better. But, again, it's her choice....

If anyone is going to the Wilderness Lodge soon, please have a Strawberry Shortcake Freeze from the Trout pass bar for me - that's exactly where I keep imagining that I am, and what I'm drinking!

[thrillme]

Weddings are so stressfull. In the end it turned out quite nice. Sounds like sis is a bit of a Bridezilla. Fortunately there's a light at the end of the tunnel. My dear husband passed away wayyyyy too young from cancer. Honestly when you put that in perspective the wedding is just not all that important.

IF I ever get lucky enough to find the right fella a second time. My game plan is to fly to Vegas and be married by the Revernd Elvis Pressley.

Pixie Dust to you for being such a good and helpful sport through all of this. Thanks to you this thing might actually work out.

[offwego]

Yep, I have 2 dresses - 1 wedding! The kicker, though, was when I told her that I was probably going to list the first dress on ebay, as I have no use for it - she asked me if I would mind waiting until August because she has a wedding to go to, so if she could fit into it by then, she'd like to borrow it!

If it makes you feel better my brother had three weddings to the same woman!!

So one dressy outfit for the city hall before they have the baby sush don't tell anyone cause it will ruin the big one wedding.

the big one wedding sush don't tell anyone we have a 6 month old (dress again and ring bearer outfit for DS...bridal party size of kansas including DSIL's two sisters and three friends but not the grooms only sister...despite him being my only attendant in my wedding).

Wedding three you ask? They had legally seperated for a while (bought two new houses the whole shebang) when DSIL discovered that being single wasn't really better then being married. Despite the fact that she moved back in and they were expecting DN number 2 my DB didn't want to give back her rings or wear his. I pointed out he's either in or out and he should just make up his mind...two kids and two weddings already kinda make a commitment don't you think? So he gave her the rings back. Funny enough...she's been sooooo much nicer to me since I made him do that. (frankly I think he wanted to just needed someone else to tell him we were all ok with it)

[imaprincess!]

I've always said that if I ever did it again, I'd get married at the honeymoon destination and have a reception at a later date. That way, no one has expectations of how they think your wedding should be and their involvement is only as a party guest.

[thrillme]

Yep, I have 2 dresses - 1 wedding! The kicker, though, was when I told her that I was probably going to list the first dress on ebay, as I have no use for it - she asked me if I would mind waiting until August because she has a wedding to go to, so if she could fit into it by then, she'd like to borrow it!

:

I'd go ahead and list the dress on EBAY and not say a word. If she asks you to borrow it in August...I'd just tell her...I had to unload it. I have a LOT of Strawberry Freezes to buy when we get to Disney.

[mrsgaribaldi]

So sorry you are going through this Jen. Congratulations to your sister. I think your Dad sounds alot like mine. When it's all over I think you should tell them all that they are old enough where they don't need a peacemaker anymore. Then give the title up before you lose your mind. On a side note, I bet Conor looks very handsome(adorable) in that tux Make sure to take alot of pics for us