Dealing with Teens

[Jeri Lynn]

Hi Everyone,
I need just a little pixie dust right now...DH and I are dealing with an 18 year old with a nightmare of a boyfriend. She has been with him for 2 years and he is not a good choice for her although she cannot see it.

We've tried not saying anything and hoping she comes to her senses, we've tried voicing our opinions of him...nothing works.

He is not allowed in our home. Without getting into details, which would take forever, he is a disgusting boy who is spoiled, immature and selfish...he has no goals in life other than to race his quad that never works, he seems to think that this will be a profession for himself. He lives with his Dad who is oblivious to his sons behavoir, or if he knows, he does not correct it...he encourages the relationship because he knows our daughter is a good influence on his son, our daughter is his sacrificial lamb.

Our daughter is beautiful and smart (except about him), she will be going to college in the fall, and I keep hoping once she is there she will see that there are many young men out there that are gentlemen that treat young ladies respectfully.

She is our second oldest, we are not perfect parents, but we do our best. We provide a happy healthy home for our children and their friends, I talk openly about drugs, drinking, sex etc with my children. They know how strongly we feel about becoming responsible adults.

It's hard to watch her make the biggest mistake of her life.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Jessie]

It can be hard to see your DD with someone you see differently. I don't know all of the circumstances, but one thing I did want to touch on is that it may not be the biggest mistake of her life, in that she'll learn and grow from her experiences. I made some bonehead moves as a teenager. That includes dating some less than "great" guys. I learned from all of that though and came through it all a little bit wiser and more sure of what I wanted and didn't want.


Have you thought about lifting the not welcome in your house rule? Sometimes that can have the opposite effect in that it can push two people together even more. Also, it would give you a chance to supervise their encounters more and not feel so out of control in all of this.

I'm sorry you're feeling at a loss with all of this.

[Ian]

One thing about 18 year olds ... both girls and boys ...

Don't like what you're seeing? Wait ten minutes and it will change.

This, too, shall pass.

[SBETigg]

I feel for you. Mine are teens and I dread this kind of thing happening. I don't think there's anything you can do but wait and see. With college ahead, there's a good chance she will grow out of him. In the meantime, hugs and sympathy.

[murphy1]

You know what stinks is that the harder you press it that you don't like him (even though clearly you are right about this guy), the harder she may want to stay with him. I think college will really open her eyes as you said. You're a good mom just be there for her.

[Auntie]

I realize it's hard to hear that this will probably pass..especially when you've been dealing with the situation for 2 years. You need to be carefull..because it could go either way. She is 18 and could just go off with the guy..so you don't want that happening. You may hate him to pieces..but the more you make your feelings of dissaproval known..frankly the more you push them together. It almost gives them something to unite against..and cements their relationship. I tend to think that (as much as it probably kills you) you might want to rethink the idea that he isn't allowed in your home. Better to see him..than to wonder where they are and what they are doing. Unless of course he has stolen from you or used drugs while in your home. I would stress more how you don't condone his choices..rather than him as a person. If your daughter has other friends, and she plans on attending college..she will be seeing another side to him soon enough. She will be seeing what else is out there, and not just be comfortable with what she already knows. Easy for me to say..I know. My daughter only briefly dated someone we didn't care for...but I know just from that short experience that once you openly dissaprove it's like pouring gasoline on the fire. Maybe given some time, and if she doesn't feel the need to defend him she may start to see some of what you all see. She's in high school..and it's very hard to break away from the clicks or perceptions of what goes on there. Probably the best thing is that when she goes to college she will be exposed different people. Don't worry about his goals or amibitions.(or lack there of) Encourage hers and leave him out of it.

[MsMin]

I know it's hard. My niece 18 is w/ a boy who is trash and has no goals and her mom encourages it, thinks it's wonderful to have a boyfriend at any price.... Anyway that's my frustration.
First there is no such thing as a perfect parent. All of us make mistakes and if we believe we are perfect --IMO that's a mistake. There is always room for learning and better understanding.
One of my favorite pastimes is teaching communication between parents and adults. I do workshops on it and we have a lot of fun.
Anyway, of course, I'm going to believe that communication is important. A term used in MH is "I messages" to help communication. For example: Lets say you are going to work and you have shoes that don't go w/ company policy. If I say --You are going to get in trouble with that- you need to change those shoes.. Many people will not admit they are wrong, esp a teen who is developing their own identity and want it their way. A better way to say it is "I thought we couldn't wear shoes like that" or I'm afraid your feet could get hurt at work with those shoes and you could add and that's why we can't wear that kind. See the difference?
Using a YOU shuts down a teen's ear soooo fast.
They have some great books on it; but, it's not a difficult concept to grasp.
Remember telling a teen ( or anyone) You are going to get hurt (or -so stupid which is a favorite of some parents ) vs. I'm really worried about .....your future, your safety, your health etc.... Communication is important. You may notice that I use it here often.. I say : I do xyz or I prefer or tell my story vs. You have to try this or you shouldn't do that. Best of luck..
Many teens listen a little closer when you talk about your fears and concerns vs. their behavior or lack of it. The plus about it is that it's hard for the teen to come back w/ a comeback if you are expressing your feelings and concerns. One trick is not to hide a "You"
message into an "I" message like "I think you are so stupid". It's an easy technique but takes some practice before you get used to it.
Hang in there... Just my tip for today.
This too shall pass.

[sgdisney]

I feel you pain. As a mother of a 17 year old son, I too have watched him make some really bad choices over the past two years and as much as I can try to direct him on the right path, ultimatley his decisions are his. I wish I had some great advice to give you, but I don't. That said, the power of prayer seems to get me through every day.

[crazypoohbear]

I'm really sorry you have to go through all this with your daughter. Is she going away to college or going locally??
IF she is going locally he could very well still be in the picture and convince her that college is changing her and she doesn't need it.
As much as you don't like the boy, ( and he sounds like a winner! ) I too would suggest that you keep him close. Instead of telling your daughter what is wrong with him and why he isn't worthy of her, perhaps you could "help" her see it. Only allow him to visit your home while you and or hubby is home. Make them visit in family/public areas. and Talk with the boy. Ask him about his future, why he isn't working, where is he looking for work, "maybe I can help you find a job" be VERY nice to him and maybe when you daughter sees and hears his shallowness and slacker lifestyle for herself she will change her mind quicker.

When I was a teen I had a less than desirable boyfriend, but I had a boyfriend!
Any how, My family and friends kept telling me there was something wrong with me, he was a loser, why do you stay with him etc. get the picture.
Anyway my sister's ex boyfriend ( who remained close and still is close to her) took me out for a ride one night and TALKED TO ME not at me about the boyfriend. He NEVER once put me down or my choice in boyfriends.
HE did tell me that I was worthy of more and that I deserved better. and He basically said I know you feel comfortable with the boyfriend but you know what your life will be on this road and sometimes if you take the fork in the road and go the other way you'll find that it is the better road for you to be on. He did say that whatever choice I made should be my own and not to please anyone else and he would still be my friend.

After the conversation with Jeff, I had the self confidence to ditch the deadbeat!! But, It was Jeff telling me I was worthwhile that did it. It was having a conversation with someone who wasn't telling me what was wrong with me or the boyfriend but What I was Capable of having in my life!

Good luck and keep trying to talk with you daughter. Please don't talk at her.

[DVC2004]

Jeri, I am so sorry. But speaking as a former teen girl (a long time ago)who had a few questionable boyfriends myself, once she goes away to college she will very likely meet someone else. Pixie dust to help this along. As parents it is frustrating because we always want the best for our kids. Good luck and hang in there. As others have said, this too shall pass.

[SandmanGStefani24]

what a difference ten or so years makes!

In high school I probably would have been the boy you least wanted to date your daughter. I was smart, in all the honors classes, and I had a good heart but I had no business dating anyone at that time. I had grown up in a not exactly functional home broken by divorce, and had gone through a lot of tough times. (not an excuse by any means, but still factors) I never meant to hurt anyone by my actions, but I had no understanding that my actions can and do effect those around me. I also did not know how to have a healthy relationship, either. Couple that with normal teen immaturity, inexperience with dating and now throw in drugs and alcohol and you've got a recipie for disaster. That was me in high school. I had a lot going for me, but even more working against me. I was racing cars at a little track near our town, and I also was the singer in a rock band most of high school. Both are roles that can cause you to get a big head and lose touch with reality and control.
I got very popular with the band and I lived most of my high school years like I was in Guns N' Roses or something. Pretty much out of control, and I hurt several great girls because I could not be faithful or at the very least honest about my feelings. Plus I also was very controlling and my drug use made my behavior at times erratic. It wasn't until I started to lose people I cared about because of this, and saw that people (or girls) wouldn't stand idly by and watch or be mistreated time and time again. Each of the girls I hurt eventually found the strength to rid themselves of me and find someone who would treat them with the love and respect that they deserve. It just takes some time, meeting new people, and unfortunately some heartache. What helps is to surround your daughter/son/friend/whatever with nothing but positive vibes and emotions. All of us gravitate to the good feelings and support and eventually drop the negatives. The key is to be there with support and not to make their decisions for them. As wrapped up as they all were with me, they all got smart and dropped me when they'd had enough.
Why am I telling you all this? Well I think it's helpful for both or us. The guy involved in your story may very well be a great guy with some problems like I was. Sometimes sending an olive branch will help him see that you are not "the enemy" as we (guys) can sometimes see you as. Other times it will simply take some growing up on his part and on your child's and for them to part ways.
I know it can be tough, but staying close by with a hug and encouraging word is something no one else can offer. The main things are, don't force them to stop dating, since this can cause them to get this false "romeo and juliet" crud idea that they are meant to be. Also, once the abuse or drugs line is crossed, do not be afraid to involve yourself or the authorities. This is the one time you need to step in. Here's some pixie dust and some good wishes hoping things work themselves out sooner rather than later. Feel free to PM me if you have more questions!

[Jeri Lynn]

Thank you everyone for your input and advise.

Unfortunately, we cannot allow this kid in our home, it would be totally impossible, our feelings are too strong and this kid knows exactly how we feel and would not want to be here, also a few years ago our sons 4-wheeler was stolen from our yard and we know that this kids best friend stole it, our daughter even admitted it, and I have a real hard time believing her boyfriend didn't help, he knew about it, and my daughter confirmed this by asking me "what did you want him to do, rat out his best friend"?...that was all the information we needed....

Our daughter will be living at school in the fall, she will be about an hour away and she will not have her vehicle to use, hopefully she will be busy with schoolwork, cheerleading and college life to have any time for him.

Our daughter is ignoring us right now as we have layed down the law in regards to her living here and following our rules. Hopefully her attitude won't last too long...

Thanks again everyone, "this too shall pass".....

[Cinderelley]

Boy, can I understand where you're coming from. We just went through a bad time with our 16-year-old, and as things are starting to get better, my 17-year-old is giving us grief.

I do remember being the 18-year-old girl whose parents don't approve of the boyfriend. My parents' disapproval did drive us together. We got married, even though I knew, deep down inside, that it was the wrong decision. (I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box). 6 years and 3 kids later, I had had enough, and we got divorced.
It's good to set boundaries, but, as everyone said, pushing too hard can make them feel closer.

[Marker]

You're right, it is difficult.

My only daughter, the youngest of 3 kids, is 19. And we are not totally thrilled with her choice of boyfriend.

However, she's smart, we trust her, and we trust her values. Beyond that, all we can do is let her make her decisions. She knows, and understands our reservations, but that's as far as we'll go with it. She has to make, and live with, her own choices in life.

She may be hurt, and we'll be there to help and it'll be a "learning experience", or she may understand him more than we do, and see things in him we don't. Either way, she's an adult, and like it or not we have to treat her like one.

[LoriMistress]

Speaking of experience of being the good girl who dated a bad boy, the best thing you can do is to NOT say anything negative about her boyfriend. If she decideds to talk about her relationship, I would never mention anything negative (even if she brings it up.)

She will break up with him within the first 3-6 months after she's in college. The boyfriend is not modivated enough to go to college, and she'll be surrounded by peers that's may be more on "her level." Either that, or once she's gone he'll dump her for another girl.

She has to learn to deal with the heartache of her first love (and also first bad boyfriend.) Just offer support and a listening ear if she needs it, but I wouldn't chime in "I told you so" or "I never liked him in the first place." She has to find her own self worth and self esteem before she can move on and date a guy that's more her type (and of course, someone you and your DH would approve of.)

[Auntie]

Speaking of experience of being the good girl who dated a bad boy, the best thing you can do is to NOT say anything negative about her boyfriend. If she decideds to talk about her relationship, I would never mention anything negative (even if she brings it up.)

She will break up with him within the first 3-6 months after she's in college. The boyfriend is not modivated enough to go to college, and she'll be surrounded by peers that's may be more on "her level." Either that, or once she's gone he'll dump her for another girl.

She has to learn to deal with the heartache of her first love (and also first bad boyfriend.) Just offer support and a listening ear if she needs it, but I wouldn't chime in "I told you so" or "I never liked him in the first place." She has to find her own self worth and self esteem before she can move on and date a guy that's more her type (and of course, someone you and your DH would approve of.)

You are so right. It's really just so difficult to do though. When they are little you don't let them touch the stove..or step into the road. You protect them from that and grab them up and tell them "no". It's a difficult thing as a parent to have to watch your child make a mistake that could effect her entire life. Your first instinct is to tell her "no!"..(usually followed by.."what are you out of your mind!?" Your mind tells you one thing..but your heart tells you another. It's a tough balancing act. This is also why and when parents begin to have grey hair..or a very good hairdresser!

[Jeri Lynn]

I wish it was that easy, I tried for almost a year, just sitting back never saying anything when she left to go to his house. And then he pushed things too far by posting very personal things on his myspace for the world to see, and certainly not something a parent would want to see, after that I could not keep my mouth quiet.

And from there it's gotten worse. I wish I could go into details but this is a family site so I cannot. I feel like our home is a constant battlefield, I am sad knowing that she should be enjoying these last couple months of high school and looking forward to summer here on the lake with her friends, but like last summer, she would not stay here at home because he was not allowed here. It is sad to say that I am looking forward to September when she is in college and I don't have to have this situation in my mind every day.

[Cinderelley]

I recently bought a book called "The Power of a Praying Parent". It's helping. My DS17 actually came to me yesterday , and we had a long talk about what he is doing with his life, decisions he was making, etc.

I don't know if the talk will help him make the right decisions or not, but it was a far cry from the angry teen who would walk by me without saying a word and close himself in his room.

[Auntie]

I wish it was that easy, I tried for almost a year, just sitting back never saying anything when she left to go to his house. And then he pushed things too far by posting very personal things on his myspace for the world to see, and certainly not something a parent would want to see, after that I could not keep my mouth quiet.

And from there it's gotten worse. I wish I could go into details but this is a family site so I cannot. I feel like our home is a constant battlefield, I am sad knowing that she should be enjoying these last couple months of high school and looking forward to summer here on the lake with her friends, but like last summer, she would not stay here at home because he was not allowed here. It is sad to say that I am looking forward to September when she is in college and I don't have to have this situation in my mind every day.

You know your girl better than anyone. Sounds like there is more going on here than just a boyfriend you don't like. I just want you to know..I'm thinking of you. I know what's it like to have that knot in your stomach. Especially when you've tried and done everything there is to do. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I too made some bad choices when I was younger. Luckily, I realized that I deserved better. I haven't found better yet, but who knows? At least I knew enough not to settle and marry the wrong one. Hopefully your daughter will realize she has more self worth than she gives herself credit for.
And yes, sometimes that parental disapproval does push them closer together. I'm hoping she'll come to her senses soon! Good luck to you and especially to her!