Wedding Ettiquette Question

[Ian]

Okay I have an honest question to ask everyone.

My cousin is getting married in September. He met his fiancee in college and she is originally from the Massachusetts area. He's from here in Philly and after college they both settled in this area. While her family is still mostly in Massachusetts (some are in Virginia), all of his family are here in Philly.

Anyway ... for various reasons they decided to get married in Maine (confused yet? :confused: ). I'm in the wedding, so I am obviously attending. But here's my question ...

What is the ettiquette for weddings when you hold them out of town? They are expecting everyone who's attending to pick up all the expenses and to be honest it's pretty price. It's going to cost about $300 for the hotel room, plus around $200+ to get there and back. Then there will be meals to pay for, etc.

Now I honestly don't know ... Is this normal? Or do people usually pay for the expenses of the folks in the bridal party? I don't really mind so much, but I couldn't help wondering if this was the way most people did it when they got married out of town.

[EvaBryan]

"Destination" weddings are getting quite popular - hence the reason that weddings at WDW are immensely popular when few of those people live near Orlando. Other couples decide to marry in places that mean a lot to them - where they met, where they like to vacation, where he/she proposed, etc. We actually considered marrying in Vermont instead of Long Island because the wedding scene here is pretty cheesy (we compromised at finding a 250 year old inn instead of schleping the family to New England).

It is not customary for the bridal party to pay for any of the travel or lodging expenses, though I have seen the couples host a brunch or dinner in addition to the reception because people are traveling from so far away.

I also think the the etiquette for a gift is the same for any other wedding - give what you can afford. All of my friends seem to have gotten married within the last few years (the late 20's/early 30's are a drain on the pocketbook!) and we give what we can, depending upon our financial circumstances at the time. I am also lucky to be married to a cabinetmaker, so some of our closer friends have received "hand-crafted" items instead of the customary cash.

Good luck and have a great time at the wedding.

[Boojum]

Yep, it's normal.

Most places will arrange some sort of discount on lodging if you have a large group of people coming, but the couple will expect the guests to pay for lodging and for airfare.

I realize a wedding should be exactly what you want it to be, but I think it's a little rude to plan one which requires guests to spend a mint simply to attend! Have a hometown wedding, then spend all that money on a spectacular honeymoon! (WDW comes to mind, for some odd reason.... graemlins/crazy.gif )

[HollyB]

My husband is British. We got married in Massachusetts where I grew up. We borrowed a friends house and put up our two friends that came from England to be in our wedding. We hosted a couple of dinners/lunches as well for all the people that came from a long distance (His family and my cousins) prior to the wedding. Dh's family paid for their own accomodation altho' we researched the hotels for them.

Holly

[Ian]

Thanks for the feedback ... I wasn't really complaining about it, I just didn't know what the normal protocol was for something like this.

I'm really looking forward to the wedding, so spending the money doesn't bother me really.

[MickeysGirl]

I had a similar situation of one of my closest friends and her wedding in Chicago, when I was living in New Orleans. I wasn't part of the wedding party, but it was a given that I would be attending the wedding. The bride and groom found a group discount rate for the out-of-town guests attending. Also, the out-of-towner's were all invited to the rehearsal dinner as well as an after wedding sunday brunch to help make the trip more then just a one day affair. The only difference, in regards to gifts, was that their attitude was more that your presence was their gift. If you chose not to give anything else, due to the expenses you were already putting out just to attend and for accommodations, that was perfectly understood.

Now the part of the question I can't answer is whether this is etiquette or not... Sorry! :(

[DisneyDudet]

Last May, I was in my cousin's bridal party. She is from S.Carolina, but moved to Texas with her boyfriend and they got engaged here also. Her dad is a preacher and so, naturally, they had the wedding in her hometown. They met at college but he's from Oklahoma.

Most of the bridal party was from around her home town since they went to college together. Her new sister-in-law and I were the only ones on her side that were not from around there.

Everyone had to find their own way there and pay for the lodging, but they make the reservation.

[Ian]

It seems like in most of these situations the bride and groom at least had some connection to the area where they were getting married.

Other than a WDW wedding, has anyone else been involved in a situation where they just picked a random spot and expected everyone to show up?

[ChesireLisa]

Some really great friends of ours are in the process of picking a place to get married. She is from St. Louis, he is from Texas. They now live in Washington,D.C......they are thinking of either getting married in Florida or Hawaii. We have told them already that Florida is something we can do....Hawaii on the other hand.....basically have a nice wedding and send us some pictures!!

[devo995493]

Ian...having gone through this two years ago with an out of state wedding, the proper procedure is for the families to pick up the wedding parties expenses, ie. room, food at organized meals. However it's usually up to the participant to pick up costs of tux, dress, kilt, whatever.

And that doesn't sound like a destination wedding, that just sounds likethe families are being cheap.

[TiggerRPh]

Whatever happened to getting married in the hometown of the bride? Even though it would be WDW....I would still have a problem having to shell out big bucks to get to a wedding. The people getting married should have to pay at least lodging expenses if you're forced to pay $300/night...that's not something everyone can just come up with. In a normal situation...you're responsible for you're own lodging and travel expenses...but this is different. They're planning a wedding at a destination that most people aren't going to be able to just drop everything and go to...therefore they should pay the expenses...and if they can't afford it or won't pay...then maybe they should reconsider where they are getting married.

[Ian]

Well here's the part I left out, because I didn't want to influence anyone's responses ...

My cousin is an attorney and makes well into the 6-figure range ... his fiancee is a Project Manager and makes a nice salary, too. They are anything but hurting for money ... in fact they are pretty much rolling in it.

My personal feeling is that at least the cost of the rooms for the wedding party should be absorbed by the bride and groom (or whoever is footing the bill). I fully expect to have to pay for my tux, etc. But I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to pay $300 + for lodging for your wedding that you could just as easily have had in town.

[TiggerRPh]

Exactly Ian!

[Dawn]

I'm kind of siding with Ian on this one now.

Adrian and myself live away from both of our families and decided to get married near to where we live. We make a reasonable amount of money but we're not "rolling in it" so to speak. We arranged a deal with the hotel where we married to have special accommodation rates for any guests wishing to stay and asked guests to pay for their own rooms. Two points though. Firstly the hotel was not in the $300+ range - it was nice, but not expensive. Secondly, we expected no gifts from those guests paying for rooms - their gift to us was their presence at our wedding.

If these people have chosen this location and are expecting people to trek all the way over there, then yes, with the sort of money they earn, I'd say it's reasonable for them to foot at least some of the expense.

[MNNHFLTX]

I don't know what "proper etiquette" is either, in this circumstance, but here's what we did in our situation (a number of years ago now).

I am originally from Minnesota, DH was originally from Massachusetts (many family members still there) but his primary family lived in Florida. Shortly before getting married, we relocated to New Hampshire based on DH's new job. So, we had tri-state wedding planning to do. What we ended up doing was getting married in Minnesota with a limited number of guests (80). We told our bridal party up front (a couple of who were from Florida) as well as immediate family members, to make sure that they would be able to attend. They paid for their travel expenses, but we paid for their lodging, tuxes/dresses and shoes and hosted several meals for them. We also had a small party in Massachusetts (the weekend after we got back from our honeymoon) for family members in New England that could not attend the wedding in Minnesota. This was hosted by my DH husband's extended family there. An additional note--my DH and I paid for our wedding ourselves (our preference, so that we felt that we could do things our own way) and definitely did not make six-figure salaries! And we also made clear to our guests in Minnesota that had to travel that their gift was their presence.

I think destination weddings are wonderful ideas, as long as the bridal party is consulted in advance of planning to make sure that this is not a hardship on anyone.

[lovewalt]

I don't have any experience on this subject so I have no advice to offer, but being from Maine I was just curious to know what part of the state the wedding is being held in?

[ June 02, 2003, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: lovewalt ]

[MickeysGirl]

Originally posted by WDWacky:
Other than a WDW wedding, has anyone else been involved in a situation where they just picked a random spot and expected everyone to show up? I actually have a friend who is contemplating where she wants to get married at the moment. She has not concrete plans at the moment, but is the type who is rather indecisive and at this rate, she's lucky if anything will ever get ironed out! :rolleyes: That being said, she had contemplated having a small wedding at a resort in Arizona (she's from New Orleans) just so she wouldn't have to plan any of it. She realizes that few people would be able to attend, but I, being one who definitely WOULD attend, plan on paying for all accommodations myself.

I would have to agree that, I think anyone within the wedding party should have, at least, lodging taken care of for them, but in such occasions, I think I would never ask. If they couple offered, then I would accept, and if it were mine, I would never ASSUME anyone who was going to be in the wedding party could afford all the expenses necessary for a destination wedding. That's something that should have taken a little forethought, I think.

[Septbride2002]

Okay Ian here is one for you! My SIL and BIL (DH's family) got married in Gatlinburg, TN and their ENTIRE family was located in St. Louis. They had not connection to Gatlinburg at all and then we all had to drive or fly there, get a hotel room, and give a gift. I love the idea of desitination weddings but I also think it is asking alot of other people to put forth that expense. I have to agree tha I think the bride and groom should absorb the cost of the hotel room for the wedding party. You are already paying for dress/tux/shoes/hair/nails/ (by the way you guys get off light!)gift/ and now you have to pay for a room too. Just seems like a lot to ask.

~Amanda

[offwego]

Good question Ian!

When we got married (in our town...) my DH's family from England attended (aunts and uncles). They stayed at my in laws and were included in the dinner before etc... As we had some where for them to stay and had provided 2 years warning on the dates we didn't feel compeled to pay for the cost of flights etc.

However when very close friends had the wedding and reception at a country inn everyone paid for their room including us when our son was in the wedding party. However the pictures of DS in a scottish qilt (sp) were worth every penny!!!! They had first thought of the islands but couldn't handle not having as many friends there.
I think it's up to the people who are attending to discuss it with the bride and groom and see if somewhee other than the hotel would be ok...

[Ian]

Originally posted by lovewalt:
I don't have any experience on this subject so I have no advice to offer, but being from Maine I was just curious to know what part of the state the wedding is being held in? The wedding is somewhere in Portsmouth ... I forget the name of the place, but I know it's right on the beach.

[roryjulie]

As I am planning my own wedding (well, at least beginning to think about planning it) here is some info from the knot wedding website. hope it helps Ian. The Knot and wedding channel have great info on ettiquette for weddings.

Attendants: Lodging for the Wedding Party?

Q. Most of my wedding party is from out of town. They will most likely need to stay in a hotel for two to three nights. My parents think it is the attendants' responsibility to pay for their rooms. I think that the bride's family is supposed to pay for the out-of-town bridesmaids, while the groom's family pays for the visiting groomsmen. Who is responsible? Would it be okay to split the cost with the attendants as a possible compromise?
A. Your parents are right etiquette-wise. Generally, the attendants are responsible for paying their own way, just as they pay for what they'll wear to your wedding. And usually when you have out-of-towners in for your wedding, you are able to reserve a block of rooms for them at a discount, so you will be helping them save some cash. But if you're willing to pay for their accommodations or you want to help them out, I can't imagine they'll object. Just know that you and your families shouldn't be expected to pay

[Ian]

Julie,

Thanks for the info!

The only difference here is that I am not an "out-of-towner". In that case I would fully expect to pay my own way.

In this instance I'm an "in-towner" and the bride and groom are moving us all "out of town" ;)

[TiggerGuy]

I'm in the same boat as you Ian, I am from PA and have to travel to NM to be in a wedding. The bride has some family there but most people are traveling from the east coast. They brides parents are paying for lodging for the wedding party but everyone else is on their own. I have two problems with what they are doing and expect from people, my wedding is three weeks after theirs ( a fact known to them when the planned thiers) which makes finances tough of me and my family, and it bothers me that both of them are laywers in the Air Force and to put it bluntly have money out the butt. Oh I forgot to mention that they won't be able to attend my wedding because they will be stationed in Europe and can't (or don't want) to fly back to the states for it. Anyway I'm getting bitter so I'll stop but that's my two cents.

[Ian]

Ha ... Must be a PA thing! I guess no one likes it here enough to actually get married here ;)

Although at least mine is driving distance ... sort of ... you actually have to fly! But in your case the bride's family is picking up the rooms for the bridal party ... I'm on the hook for my room!

[WDWFanatic]

Ian, Is there anyone (your aunt, uncle or cousin) you could tactfully ask the question of lodging to? There are a lot of rental houses in Maine. Maybe they are planning on renting a large house for everyone to stay at? If not maybe a bunch of you could go in on one to save some money.

The Portsmith area is nice. Could the wedding be at the Cliff House maybe? It is a beautiful area. We usually take a few day trips up to that area each summer.

Make sure you have some lobstA and chowda it's "wicked good" also make sure you get DW to Kittery. It's a great shopping outlet area.

[Ian]

I actually wanted to ask my Aunt about it, but my Mom put the kibosh on that idea. She's funny that way ... my Mom doesn't want any controversy with the family at all. There's lots of other issues with my Aunt and Uncle's family that have gone unsaid too and my Mom wants it to stay that way.

Actually they already have the hotel booked ... I paid for my own room back in November or so just to get it out of the way. And yes ... I think it is at the Cliff House ... at least that sounds very familiar.

I mean I'm sure it'll be a nice time and all, it's just that I'm heading to WDW like 3 weeks after the wedding and shelling out $500 or $600 for this weekend wedding in Maine is not exactly what I had in mind.

Oh well ... I really didn't start out to vent ... I just wanted honest feedback and it seems like most people say that what my cousin is doing is the norm. Oh well! It's only money!