Funeral Advice/Guidance QUICK

[crazypoohbear]

As my sister, payroll princess posted earlier, my FIL passed away on Sunday, he was a sweet, thoughtful, kindhearted man who loved his family unconditionally. He was the best grandfather in the world to my two sons.
SInce he has passed away, my SIL has been "difficult" to deal with.
1st she told the funeral director "we" don't want a limo for the family. My husband said yes we do, she thought it would be easier for her husband to drive them and the Mother and I could drive my husband and our kids. My husband was very upset, was tearful and his voice was shaky, he thought it was proper and right to have a limo, eventually my MIL agreed to have a family limo. (MONEY is NOT and object). Tonight my husband tells me that his sister said "mom said she only wants the 5 of us in the limo, ( MIL, SIL, her husband, my husband and myself) She said my kids could drive themselves in the van behind the family limo! I am beyond ANGRY! :thedolls: my husband was upset but said he "didn't want to get into it with her today, I told him that my kids were burying their grandfather and I was not going to leave them alone, I would ride with them or I would tell the funeral home tomorrow that I wanted a 2nd limo and we would ride alone in that! AND I would pay for the Limo myself!
I feel that my children are being treated like second class, worthless nothings.
Again, MONEY is not an issue in the LEAST ( for the last 15 months, it was $10,000 a MONTH for the place my FIL was placed in, and that didn't put a dent in finances for my MIL)
Am I wrong to feel that my children should NOT be left on their own and left out of the "family" car??? I asked my husband "what would Gramps do if it was Grammy being buried? Would he exclude his grand sons?" Hubby said "absolutely not"
My sons are 18 and 23 They are the ONLY grandchildren!
Please be honest, am I being too sensitive?
How would you handle this issue?:(

[disneydeb]

I am so sorry your family has to go through this. Tell the funeral director to order a second limo for your sons if it is all right with your husband and the boys wish to be driven. I agree to not bother your MIL with this.

Take care and may comfort be yours in this time of need.

[crazypoohbear]

I forgot to add, there IS room in the one limo for all 7 people!
Gramps, whole surviving family is his wife, his two children and their spouses and our 2 kids!
So it isn't a room thing, it isn't a money thing.
AND my MIL has dementia, SHE should be in a home but she is quite able to "fool" people, unless you spend any amount of time with her, She was a psychiatric nurse and knows how to play the games, My SIL rants and raves about how "flippin stupid"mom is and doesn't know what the heck is going on but then she will accept certain things that the mom says as gospel!

[badkitty]

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the turmoil you are now dealing with. The stress that comes with the death of a loved one can make people do and say crazy things, half of which they don't mean or will even remember saying.

I don't think you are overreacting. Your boys are part of the family and should not be excluded but if MIL is not well and SIL is so set on this, it will be difficult to affect change. I don't know what is best for your family but I would get a second limo for you and the boys.

My sympathy to you and I hope your memories of your FIL will help you through this difficult time. Prayers and pixie dust.

[Donald]

Have you asked your sons what they want? They may want to be separate from psycho SIL!....my aunt became very difficult when my grandparents passed away. I preferred to stay away from her to avoid confrontation . Your sons may feel the same.

Good luck. So sorry for your loss. So sorry you have to deal with this.

[Pirate Granny]

If your sons were close, they may be too upset to drive. However in our area the limo only goes to the cemetery, you are on your own to get back home or to the luncheon after....I would have them in the limo if you want and just act dumb when they climb in, doubt that anyone would say something at that point.
So sorry for your loss...my girls, who were adults when my dad passed were too upset to drive a car. I believe the son in law drove them all.

[Katzateer]

I am so sorry your family has to go through this. Tell the funeral director to order a second limo for your sons if it is all right with your husband and the boys wish to be driven. I agree to not bother your MIL with this.

Take care and may comfort be yours in this time of need.

I agree

[crazypoohbear]

My oldest son said "Mom, it's okay, I'll do whatever you and dad tell me to do, I know Gramps loves me"

We haven't said anything to the youngest yet, Some of you may recall from previous posts that he is very quiet and shy,a loner who doesn't say much but takes things incredibly personal, and generally feels he isn't loved :(

I feel that if he hears this, he will be crushed ( on the inside because he NEVER shows emotions, but it will show in other ways later on)

I really just want to pay for the second Limo and have "my family" ride in that one, but I also know my husband is torn between doing this or just going along with his sister because he doesn't want to "make waves"

He was raised to "not make waves and just go with the flow"
His sister takes advantage of this and bullies her way through knowing that he will not say anything for fear of "making waves"

an example of her usual way

they would decided on what to pick up for dad for dinner, Sis would show up with something completely different than what had been decided, then say "well, I decided to do something else so I over rode the decision"
"I over rode your decision" is her favorite phrase!

I have my family and his family for Thanksgiving dinner every year. We have dinner at 2:00PM! This year, the sister called the day before and told Hubby, "I told mom to be ready at 11:45Am because we would be eating at your house at noon! I told hubby to call her back and tell her that I choose the time to server dinner at MY house and we are eating at 2:00PM
She said "I just thought it would be easier to have it earlier because I have to get some sleep because I want to go out shopping"

[minnie04]

First off my prayers are with you and your family; we just went through this two years ago. Our family did have the limo, and the kids also had a limo behind us. In ours was MIL, BIL, SIL myself & Husband (also a very close friend to my husband and his brother) If your two sons are the only grandchildren (adults) I don’t see why they shouldn’t be in the family limo if there is room. We had 8 grandchildren so they all fit in the limo behind us. If not I think as adults they will be ok to ride behind you in their own car. Maybe once the burial is over and your are heading back to the funeral home you could drive with them instead of the limo, they might need you more after then before..

[disney obsessed]

Death has a profound effect on people. I am so sorry for your loss. I work in an assisted living community. Also, my mom has dementia. Sadly, I have some experience with this type of family issue.

If I were you, I would book the second limo and use it for anyone not in the original family. By original family, I mean father mother and siblings. No spouses and no children. My guess is that the stress for your mother in law is far beyond what anyone can see and your sister in law is trying to make it as easy for her ( and herself in dealing with mom )as possible. If mom is indeed demented, there are no explainations for the behavior other than brain disease. It is not about anyone but her and it is not reasonable. Mom may be only seeing her original family at this time.

Again, I am sorry for the loss. Please find comfort in you husband and children. No one really handles death well. Take a deep breath and allow yourself to grieve without the additional anger and stress.

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

Funerals are a time, like you already know, where everything seems exasperated, especially when there is an already, pre-existing challenging situation.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, on top of everything else, and on top of helping your husband loose his father, and the kids their grandfather.

I would do whatever feels right for you and DH. If you want a limo for your family, get one. If you want to all be in one limo, let your MIL know that it matters to you, and unless she has a major concern, you can do that. I think the second limo for your family sounds perfect, you'll need some time as a "little" family as you go through the stress of the funeral day.

The one thing I've learned is that in these situations, you have to do what give you peace, what feels right to you. Walk gently, don't cause waves you don't have to cause, but don't feel bad about the ones that you do have to cause.

[SBETigg]

I'm sorry for your loss. I, too, would be hurt and upset by what feels like a snub, and I think your SIL has a lot of issues. Insist on the family all riding in the limo or save the stress and just get the second limo.

So sorry you're dealing with added stress at a sad time. But, good for your kids to have the right attitude. You're clearly a good person and a great mom. Share and enjoy your memories of a wonderful man with the people you love and don't let anyone bring you down.

[VWL Mom]

I'm sorry that on top of your loss you need to be involved in this. I do think that as the only 2 grandchildren they should be in the family limo. I understand not making waves at this time so I would get the second limo and ride with your boys. If you think that's going to upset the apple cart, just go with your boys in their car, they need their mom through this and frankly your DH should be putting his kids ahead of his sister and see this.

[MizMissy]

First, I'm sorry you dealing with a very difficult SIL on top of a very stressful time anyway.

One thought, you said "Tonight my husband tells me that his sister said "mom said she only wants the 5 of us in the limo, ( MIL, SIL, her husband, my husband and myself) " .... you might not want to assume MIL came to this conclusion. It sounds like this is what SIL wants and she either convinced her mother to come to this conclusion or MIL never actually came to this conclusion and SIL just said it.

I would probably just have my kids climb in the family limo and just ignore the above comment (whether it came from MIL or only from SIL). If SIL starts to make a scene, a simple "this isn't the time" comment may put a stop to it. However, if it is easier for your and your DH, order the second limo and you join your children and ask DH to decide where he needs/wants to be.

Best of luck making it through these times. Of course, the worst part is now you have to really face the issues with your MIL since your FIL is gone.

[Dulcee]

Since it sounds like you and your SIL butt heads often I'd just step back from this one. Death can exasperate everyone's emotions and whether you ride in the limo or in the car behind won't change yours or your children's relationship with their grandfather.

If it was me I'd take my own vehicle and follow behind. Sometimes its the better option, though not always easier to be the bigger person, bite your tongue and just make the day go by as smoothly as possible.

[princessgirls]

I feel for you.

My sympathies on the loss of your dear Father In Law.

I would send my husband in the limo, and I'd drive behind with my kids. Take it for the team.
Your SIL is not being rational or nice, but it is a emotionally charged time.
Smile, wave, be polite, and get through it for your husband.
I had a hard funeral experience when my MIL passed away in 2006. We live in NJ she and my husband's sister and her family lived in SC. My lovely SIL left her mother in the morgue until my husband came down to make and pay for the funeral arrangements. Left her there for 2 days!!!! HER MOTHER!!! We do not live in SC, we have no idea what funeral homes and funerals are like in their area. I drove myself and kids down alone, as my husband went on ahead of me, spent a week, and put up and shut up.
I can tell you that our relationship is non-issue now. We don't have one, and that's on her. Her kids do have one with us, and that is baffling to her.
Anyway... Funerals are hard, and family drama doesn't make it easier.
Honor your Father in Law.
Good Luck and prayers for you.
Julie:mickey:

[MNNHFLTX]

So sorry for your loss. :(

I am trying to imagine myself in your shoes to offer advice, since it's not a situation I am used to. Where I grew up people generally drive themselves and loved ones to a funeral or the funeral director drives them in a car. I can't remember ever being at a funeral where the family is transported in a limo.



One thought, you said "Tonight my husband tells me that his sister said "mom said she only wants the 5 of us in the limo, ( MIL, SIL, her husband, my husband and myself) " .... you might not want to assume MIL came to this conclusion. It sounds like this is what SIL wants and she either convinced her mother to come to this conclusion or MIL never actually came to this conclusion and SIL just said it.

That was my thought also. Since your SIL and her husband do not have kids, it could be that she's concerned that having your boys along in the car will make her branch of the family seem less important. In any case, I would talk with both boys and decide what to do ahead of time. If they are amenable to driving in a separate car, then go along with them and let your husband go in the limo with the other members of the family. Above all, encourage your sons to verbalize their thoughts about what is important to them. It could be that they are more worried about not upsetting you or your husband more than not being in the limo.

[Kplaster]

I am 23 and my grandfather just passed away in September and honestly I would have been devastated if I was told I couldn't ride in the limo had we had one (service was at the same location as burial so some people walked and some drove down to burial site). I would ask your kids what they would prefer to do they might like driving seperate. Grandkids often do get put second in this situation and it's upsetting because they love them just as much as everyone else.

[PirateLover]

When my grandparents died, we had 2 limos each time- one for the children and spouses and one for the grandkids. The thought behind it is that the family should be together, and no one needs to worry about driving. Some chose to drive themselves any way but the option was there. You have to do what is best for you. If you feel like you might be too emotional and don't want to worry about driving, just order the 2nd limo for your family. If you think you'll be OK to drive, then go separately with your kids. It is not nice or fair but as others have said, sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. Death brings out the worst in some people, which is so unfortunate because it is a time when you all should be coming together.

[TheVBs]

I am so sorry for your loss and that you're dealing with this mess on top of it. :( Funerals can bring out the worst in people. I just received the best advice ever, "When faced with a crisis, immediately do nothing." Take as much time as you can to really think through your options and choose which you think is best. Deep breaths! Without a doubt I would be as upset as you are. I won't offer you my advice, because I would be likely to say one of those things you can never, ever take back. Like, letting your sons in the limo anyway and saying, "I overrode your decision." I agree with others that this is probably coming from your SIL. But, do whatever you need to do to make the day as comfortable for you and your family as you can, and a confrontation probably isn't it. I know it's hard to believe right now, but before you know it this day will be behind you and you want to be able to put it out of your mind quickly afterwards. Hang in there!

[crazypoohbear]

Hubby, waited until after the wake tonight and said something to the BIL, about what was said and what was going on. BIL had no idea that this had been discussed or that our sons were being excluded. Hubby told BIL, you and your wife and your mother in law can meet at the holiday inn, take the limo to the funeral home and the church, MY family will just meet you at the funeral home and we will drive together AS A FAMILY,
HUBBY said, I am doing what my dad taught me, which is to put family first. My kids are my family. I don't give a dam about the limo. have a good night.
Well, Then it hit the fan, we had gone out to dinner after the wake, just the 4 of us and my good friend Mary. Well, suddenly our cell phones were buzzing off the wall, The MIL, was calling, the sister in law as calling the brother in law as calling. MIL left a MSG on Hubbys cell phone. "hello, this is your mother Lucille, please call me so I can reverse my decision about the limo, I need to speak with you tonight. Call me back at… then she could not recite her telephone number!. Then BIL left a msg on my cell, then SIL tried to call #1 son's cell. I returned BIL's call when I got home, He said SIL had nothing to do with influencing MIL at all, it was MIL's decision, he didn't agree with it and thought we should all be in the limo, Then he said during the conversation. This is small stuff, there will be bigger issues to get upset about down the road.
I said, I didn't care where I rode, but that I as a mother, would be with my children, if they were in the limo, I would be there, if they were not I would be with them.
Hubby, mean time was ont he phone with his Mother and sister, he was telling the Sis that she couldn't say "mom make her own mind up in one breath and in the next breath say mom can't make decisions" She doesn't seem to get it, either "MOM" is competent or she isn't, you can't pick and choose!
As of right now we are meeting them to ride in the limo at 9:45AM, as to whether Hubby gets in the limo or not is still up for grabs.
I will do whatever I have to to bury my wonderful FIL in peace, but I will do it beside my children!
FIL was ALL about family and I know he would tell me I belong with my sons'.
I just pray for the grace of God to be with me and to hold my tongue!
Will let you know what we end up doing
thanks for the words of advice and the kind words of sympathy.

[SBETigg]

I know you will get through this with grace. It's hard. I've had family issues, and it was tough when my FIL died. The best thing we did was to stick to our principles, stay together as a family (me, husband, and kids), and keep in mind what the FIL would have wanted. You do that, and you will be fine. Try to remember that grief can do crazy things to people. You can control your own actions and make sure there are no regrets, but you can't control others and they have to live with their own actions. Hugs, and best wishes for you to get through the day.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

One thing my sis didn't say; her sister in law has absolutely no social skills. She has no friends and doesn't know how to put someone else first. She is one of the most self centered people I've ever met. She knows her mother has dementia but does nothing to get her off the road. Yes, the MIL still drives! She gets lost going to the grocery store and will be gone for 6-8 hours. The FIL would call the kids to have them go looking for her. But the SIL feels that once she gets in an accident or gets pulled over, the cops will handle it! If it's going to inconvenience her in any way, she wants nothing to do with it! And yes, she could do something because she has power of attorney. Of course, the primary care doctor and lawyer both know she has dementia and they aren't taking any kind of action either. I just hope she doesn't kill some innocent person.

My sis, BIL and 2 nephews did end up riding in the "family" limo. My BIL did the eulogy at the funeral and was very eloquent and it was a very moving tribute to his dad. And that's kind of funny because he's not a very talkative person as a rule. And my oldest nephew said words over the grave at the cemetery. He was so upset and was in tears, with his voice shaking. But he did it and it too was a very touching moment.

The SIL never asked anyone else in the family how they were holding up etc. Again, no social skills. I've never been overly fond of her or the MIL. The MIL is a cold fish and always has been. She was cordial for the most part once my sister married into the family but has now reverted back to how she was before they got married. Tells my sis she's not really family!! I think after being married into the family for 26 years, she's part of the family!! And they date for 8 years before they got married.

But everyone got through it and no one got arrested so I guess it was a successful day.

[SBETigg]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad they all got through a difficult day.

[crazypoohbear]

Thank you all for the great advice and thoughts. It was a very tough day, as my sister stated we rode in the "family" limo, neither MIL or SIL or BIL spoke to us, just as well, My Hubby did an amazing job eulogizing his dad, the church applauded and a few of my FIL's friends from childhood (the 1930's) asked for a copy of what he said so they could share it with the old gang who couldn't make it!~
#1 Son gave a moving goodbye at the grave. There were 2 navy people there for the military part and my son mentioned why his gramps joined the navy and they were smiling from ear to ear with what #1 son said.
Then I lost my voice! completely and for 4 days! I guess God wanted to make sure I continued in His grace and felt he needed to take my voice to keep my quiet :blush:
Last week, we had a huge blizzard here, hubby plows and SIL is… whatever!

So, I called MIL (1st time I have spoken to her since the funeral)at first she didn't know who I was, I had to explain I was married to her son!
I asked if she had food to get through the storm, she said no, so I drove over and brought her a couple of sandwiches and some bottled water and snacks.
She never asked about my kids/hubby but I figured I was doing what my FIL would have wanted. taking care of family and holding my temper!
Thank you again for you kind words and thoughts