Down in the dumps about dating

[laprana]

Last night I decided to throw my hat back into the dating ring. It's the first actual date I've been on since I was 19 years old (I'm 33 now :eek:). I was with the same guy for almost 13 years before he suddenly broke it off a little more than a year ago. It has taken a lot of hard work and soul searching to be able to move past that very difficult break up, but I finally started to feel like I was ready to get back out there, so to speak.

I had met a nice (or seemingly nice) guy a couple months ago at a local restaurant where he works and that I frequent. Over that time, he would come and sit at my table and we would have nice, friendly conversations. He recently found me on Facebook and we started talking there. Last week he asked me to go out on a date, and I accepted. I was nervous, but excited and hopeful that it would go well. Last night was the date - out to dinner - and it ended up going not so well. The conversation was fine for the most part, but he turned out to be not as much of the "nice guy" he seemed to be and at the end of the date was, well, for lack of a better word, very forward. I ended up feeling really uncomfortable and leaving earlier than I thought I would.

The whole thing just kind of has me down in the dumps. I can't even explain how hard it was for me to take this first step and go out on a date with someone. I thought I was being smart about it, trying to get to know the person beforehand, but it just ended up being kind of a disaster. It's enough to make me consider writing off dating completely.

Honestly, I just don't know if I'm cut out for it! I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing because I missed out on a big chunk of my life that would have been prime dating years, wasting all that time on the wrong person. I know I shouldn't give up after the very first date...the whole "you have to kiss a lot of frogs" thing. I'm just starting to wonder if all that's out there for me is a bunch of frogs! I just feel so discouraged and I need some advice or encouragement, so of course I turn to my fellow Intercotees who have helped me out before! :thumbsup: How do I successfully get back into the dating world? :help:

[Itchy]

I would not give up on dating. I would just be a little more picky. I know that is hard.

I am an older guy and was divorced after 26 1/2 yrs of marriage. It took me 5 yrs before I started dating. I did meet the person I am dating 2 yrs ago on a dating site.

It will happen, I am so sorry that you went through what you have gone through.

Hang in there and you will find Mr Right who will sweep you off your feet.

Hope this help...:mickey:

[SBETigg]

Laura, I think you just have to take it as it comes. If you meet someone who interests you, give it a try. If not, and you're happy on our own, that's great, too. Sometimes, you're going to try and find out that it's not working, and that's okay. It's part of dating. Unfortunately, there are a lot of frogs out there, but there are still some great people and you will make some new friends even if you don't find "the one" and even if some are frogs.

My sister (30) met a great guy on match.com. She tried lots of dating sites. I think a mistake she made early on, as one of her guy friends told her, was that she tried the more expensive dating sites thinking she would meet more compatible matches or better guys out there. But then a guy friend told her (generalizing) that guys don't pay for the more expensive sites, women do. Guys feel like they will take their chances, and if they can join a site for free or cheap and meet a few people, great. And if they don't, it didn't cost them anything. It seems counter-intuitive, but I would keep away from the pricey dating sites. If you want to try dating sites, try the less expensive ones first. And always meet somewhere public, neutral, and not too close to your residence.

But also, generally, I think most times, you meet the best people by chance when it's least expected, and it helps when you're friends first. Maybe instead of going out with the idea of dating/not dating, find some groups to join or activities and you might meet people that way, some of whom could become more interesting over time.

[MississippiDisneyFreak]

I do think you were being smart. It is not your fault the guy was a jerk. Be true to yourself and follow your heart and eventually you will find your Prince.:prince:

[BriarRose0708]

You ARE being very smart about it! I have so much respect for you and am so proud of you for being brave and putting yourself out there. You felt the time was right to start again and that takes so much courage to open yourself up to someone after being hurt so badly.

I am sorry the date was a dud and he showed his true colors. But you're better off knowing after the first date. A comedian (I think Chris Rock) has a very funny bit about when you begin to date someone it's not really you going on the date you're "sending your representative" and trying too hard to make a good impression. At what point people actually become their true selves, I have no idea. But if the way he acted was his representative, I'd hate to know what his real personality was like.

I agree with Sherri, when I was in grad school I had much better dates with men I met through Match than eHarmony. I rarely got communication back from the eHarmony men, but got to know the Match.com ones well. I'm not ready to begin dating anyone yet but I'd go back to Match with no hesitation.

Keep your chin up!

[Cheshire_Girl]

Buck up lil camper!!!
I have to tell myself that often
Our stories are similiar...I am 39 and by age 23 I was married to my Jr. high School sweet heart...we seperated (my choice) 2 yrs ago this March.
I wanted to start dating soon after, and I did. And then...I realized I have no idea how to do that. I am used to how a relationship works so communication is alwasy out front for me. I speak how I feel and what's on my mind and expect others to do the same. I don't understand the games that people play and my friends tell me this is what constitutes "courting" today...
I find myself crying more nights than not out of sure frustration with the whole process of finding another partner, because I know this is what I want, but it seems to me that knowing what you want and need is not always understood by memebrs of the oppsite sex!
My advise to you...don't throw in the towel. you jsut started getting your feet wet again. And yes, you have to learn the dating process again, and it will be frustrating, and annoying and hurtful at times, but remember, each experience is about learning who you are and what you need to be happy and healthy and whole. Seriously-Make each date about you-learn from each one something about what you want and what you are looking for. Start an "I know he's out there some where" journal and write down the things you know you want, the things you know you don't want, and each time you learn something new write it down...and eventually you'll see, you are doing right! And he's going to show up...
I believe this. Really I do!! And for the record...you should see how many pages I have filled in this journal!

[stephicakes]

Don’t give up laprana! You made a first huge step and it took TONS of courage. I once heard that “there is not one perfect person out there, just someone who is perfect for YOU.” It will take time and I agree that it will happen when you least expect it! I met my husband online about six years ago… and it wasn’t until we were both in our 30s! You did NOT miss your prime dating years – those are whenever you make them! You are at the perfect age because you know yourself better & are probably more comfortable with yourself now than when you were in your 20s. Also, network and let your friends know that you are looking to meet someone. I know couples who are together now because they were introduced by mutual friends. Just keep that chin up, stay positive and enjoy it! It WILL get better!
:pixie:

[laprana]

Thank you so much everyone! Your encouragement means so much to me. I know I can't give up after one bad experience. I guess I was just hoping the first one would go better and set a good tone, if that makes sense. It's so much harder to meet people than it was when I was younger! I'm pretty introverted anyway, which makes it even harder. I know I need to just go with the flow and not expect anything, it's just tough. :(


I would not give up on dating. I would just be a little more picky. I know that is hard.

I am an older guy and was divorced after 26 1/2 yrs of marriage. It took me 5 yrs before I started dating. I did meet the person I am dating 2 yrs ago on a dating site.

It will happen, I am so sorry that you went through what you have gone through.

Hang in there and you will find Mr Right who will sweep you off your feet.

Hope this help...:mickey:

This does help, a lot! Thank you so much. :hug:


My sister (30) met a great guy on match.com. She tried lots of dating sites. I think a mistake she made early on, as one of her guy friends told her, was that she tried the more expensive dating sites thinking she would meet more compatible matches or better guys out there. But then a guy friend told her (generalizing) that guys don't pay for the more expensive sites, women do. Guys feel like they will take their chances, and if they can join a site for free or cheap and meet a few people, great. And if they don't, it didn't cost them anything. It seems counter-intuitive, but I would keep away from the pricey dating sites. If you want to try dating sites, try the less expensive ones first. And always meet somewhere public, neutral, and not too close to your residence.

But also, generally, I think most times, you meet the best people by chance when it's least expected, and it helps when you're friends first. Maybe instead of going out with the idea of dating/not dating, find some groups to join or activities and you might meet people that way, some of whom could become more interesting over time.

This is great advice! I've thought about trying online dating sites, but feel kind of intimidated by them with no idea where to start! Thank you for shedding some light on it!


You ARE being very smart about it! I have so much respect for you and am so proud of you for being brave and putting yourself out there. You felt the time was right to start again and that takes so much courage to open yourself up to someone after being hurt so badly.

I am sorry the date was a dud and he showed his true colors. But you're better off knowing after the first date. A comedian (I think Chris Rock) has a very funny bit about when you begin to date someone it's not really you going on the date you're "sending your representative" and trying too hard to make a good impression. At what point people actually become their true selves, I have no idea. But if the way he acted was his representative, I'd hate to know what his real personality was like.

Keep your chin up!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! :hug: And you're exactly right...I'm glad I saw his true colors on the first date so I didn't get unpleasantly surprised later!

I won't give up hope, and I'll look at any date I have as a chance to really figure out what I want and need in another person. Thanks again, everyone. This is why I love being a part of Intercot so much -- unconditional support from people who understand! :grouphug:

[Janmac]

I know I can't give up after one bad experience. I guess I was just hoping the first one would go better and set a good tone, if that makes sense. It's so much harder to meet people than it was when I was younger! I'm pretty introverted anyway, which makes it even harder. I know I need to just go with the flow and not expect anything, it's just tough. :(


This is my sister - introverted and years since her second marriage fizzled. She's trying hard not to have huge expectations but then on the other hand, perhaps she's not being optimistic enough.

Also, in her case, she may not have her goals clear in her mind. She is introverted and her need for "personal space" is legendary in our family. Add to that her work and bowling compulsions, and there's not a lot of spare time. :D She's got some great women friends but still feels like maybe she'd like a little something more . . .

It's kind of a shame there's not a site that's not particularly dating, as much as that special friend you go to supper, play, gallery showing, hiking, movie, etc. with.

It's not easy . . .

Jan

[TinkerbellT421]

Hi Laura! I remember when you posted about your break up :(

Take your time, I know it's hard to hear and think but taking your time means everything. It's a good thing you are keeping your eyes open and realizing when someone is not good for you like your date. You could have been nieve and stuck around, and glad you didn't! Don't try to force yourself to date, time heals all wound, I know it sound cliche, but after a few of my own experiences, time has always healed me even though at the time and in the moment it felt like I would never heal. Take your time, keep your eyes open and don't force yourself into something you feel like you may not be 100% up to. Feel free to inbox me if you ever want to just talk, even if it has nothing to do with relationships! :mickey: I promise, you will get through! :grouphug:

[laprana]

Thanks again, everyone, you've given me some great advice! :thumbsup:


Hi Laura! I remember when you posted about your break up :(

Take your time, I know it's hard to hear and think but taking your time means everything. It's a good thing you are keeping your eyes open and realizing when someone is not good for you like your date. You could have been nieve and stuck around, and glad you didn't! Don't try to force yourself to date, time heals all wound, I know it sound cliche, but after a few of my own experiences, time has always healed me even though at the time and in the moment it felt like I would never heal. Take your time, keep your eyes open and don't force yourself into something you feel like you may not be 100% up to. Feel free to inbox me if you ever want to just talk, even if it has nothing to do with relationships! :mickey: I promise, you will get through! :grouphug:

You're definitely right, I'm not going to rush into anything! Slow and steady wins the race, right? :) I feel like I've definitely healed over the last year, and I kind of feel like the only way I'll ever know for sure if I'm done healing and ready to move on is to just take those first steps. But you can bet I'll be careful! :tiptoe:

[roses]

You did the right thing! I'm in the same situation, kind of. I'm now a single mom, which makes it very hard to date. I'm very picky, and in fact, I've only dated once and wasn't happy like you! But, I do believe that you shouldn't give up. Keep your head up and your morals high - you'll find someone worth spending time with!

[minnie04]

"How do I successfully get back into the dating world? "

You ask?? Well you just get out there and date, they aren’t all going to be perfect, but at least you will narrow down what you do and do not like in a person. It’s always going to hard to start something. I would have never found my DH, I had some many misses, that when he came along I had a check list (in my head) and even blurted out a few things the night I met him..lol "married", "kids" and most important "girlfriend" not bad for a first conversation, but this was in the first 5 minutes of just saying high to him (I think I knew he was the one) lol I laugh with him now, but I was serious then. By the time I met him I knew exactly what I wanted and what I wasn’t going to put up with. Maybe just enjoy the dating process with no strings or expectations and you will see it can be fun and you will also learn what you really want and who you want to spend the rest of your life with.. :mickey:

Good luck and remember relax and have fun you are still very young and have plenty of time to meet someone.

[laprana]

Thanks, Roses and Minnie04! It might sound silly, but it's comforting to hear from other people who are or have been in the same boat. It is tough. I tried again this week. I was asked out to dinner by a friend of a friend who I know casually, but not that well. We've talked a few times and he seemed nice. Well, I got stood up! First time that's ever happened to me and it was a huge bummer. :(

We were supposed to meet at the restaurant at 6:30 and I got a text from him around 6:45 saying that he was running late and would be there by 7:15. Ok, no biggie, right? Well, I waited around until almost 8:00 but he never showed, and I never heard anything else from him until about 10:30 when he texted to apologize and said he was "stuck in St. Louis all night." Yeah, ok. I wasn't buying it. Why not let me know you're just not coming instead of letting me sit there all night looking like an idiot? I mean it's just a matter of common courtesy! I was so mad. :mad: He texted the next night to ask if "we could try going out to dinner again" and I just said, "Nope, I don't make the same mistakes twice." Ugh. It seems like my bad start is getting worse. And I know I can't give up, but it's hard not to get discouraged when the first 2 dates have been such bombs. At least these jerks are showing their true colors right at first before any kind of attachment forms! :ack:

[beksy]

Hi...sounds like you've at least made a lot of progress since we last talked! :thumbsup: Unfortunately this time around I can't help with any advice since I'm in the same boat. It is so hard to meet guys, much less decent guys. I am 30 and I am feeling the pressure since the last other girl in my high school "group" just got engaged. Its starting to feel like I've dated all the duds and now there's no one else out there to even try. This is not the way I planned out my life (but I guess life rarely sticks to that plan!). Anyway, let me know if you want to talk, compare notes, or just feel like venting. :hug: :yeti: (because he always makes me smile!)

[laprana]

Hi...sounds like you've at least made a lot of progress since we last talked! :thumbsup: Unfortunately this time around I can't help with any advice since I'm in the same boat. It is so hard to meet guys, much less decent guys. I am 30 and I am feeling the pressure since the last other girl in my high school "group" just got engaged. Its starting to feel like I've dated all the duds and now there's no one else out there to even try. This is not the way I planned out my life (but I guess life rarely sticks to that plan!). Anyway, let me know if you want to talk, compare notes, or just feel like venting. :hug: :yeti: (because he always makes me smile!)

Hi Tiffany!

I am doing much, much better than the last time we talked! :thumbsup: It was definitely a struggle and a lot of hard work, but I feel like I've come a long way.

I know exactly how you feel. This is a weird age bracket to be dating in! All my friends are either married or engaged and so far it seems like it's pretty hard to find single guys around my age that aren't bozos. This isn't exactly how I planned my life, either, but I have to believe there is a plan for it. I just wish I knew what it was! :D There's a plan for you, too! I hope things get better for you and you find that right person soon. :hug: But in the meantime, we can be members together in the "Dating Duds Club!" :blush:

[BriarRose0708]

Hi Tiffany!

I am doing much, much better than the last time we talked! :thumbsup: It was definitely a struggle and a lot of hard work, but I feel like I've come a long way.

I know exactly how you feel. This is a weird age bracket to be dating in! All my friends are either married or engaged and so far it seems like it's pretty hard to find single guys around my age that aren't bozos. This isn't exactly how I planned my life, either, but I have to believe there is a plan for it. I just wish I knew what it was! :D There's a plan for you, too! I hope things get better for you and you find that right person soon. :hug: But in the meantime, we can be members together in the "Dating Duds Club!" :blush:
I'll join you too! Just got a wedding invite last night for a dear friend. I'm excited for her and am looking forward to the wedding, but it will be hard. It's the first wedding I won't have a date to in a long time, and my ex will be there (who would have been my date).

We just have to have faith that not every single man between 30 and 40 is a complete jerk!

[princessgirls]

Hang in there and DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!

My sister found her prince on E-Harmony. They are married two years now, and have a son. She was 37 when they got married.

When the right guy comes along, you will know...

Julie:mickey:

[emerzmom]

Yes, Hang in there and don't give up! I am a little older than you but I have been divorced for a long time. When I finally decided I was ready to date I realized I had no idea what I was doing either. Dating is a difficult adventure. First, where do you meet people? Then, 1st dates are worse than job interviews. And yes, there are plenty of not-so-nice guys out there. One of the unexpected difficulities I encountered was meeting really nice guys that liked me but I was not really interested in them. Not a big deal right? I found it incredibly difficult to say "no thank you" to a nice guy without being a "mean girl". I also had a couple of heartbrakes and encounters of the creepy kind!
I finally met a truly wonderful man that I have been with for almost 3 years now. We met on match.com. I have several friends and co-workers who have met really great guys on this site. Sure there are some not-so-great people on there but you just have to be smart and safe about meeting people in public places, checking in with a friend, and follow your instincts.
In the mean time try to embrace your independence and be a little selfish. It might be the last time in your life you will be able to do some things that are just for you. Dive into your favorite hobby or try a new one, travel some place by yourself and do everything you want to do (sleep late, stay out late, linger in a museum or book store, etc), eat peanut butter sandwiches for 2 weeks to save up for a luxury item you have always wanted to buy for yourself (shoes or purse for me!), get a pet and give them lots of love and attention, take an on-line class you have always wanted to study.....
Do somethings for yourself that will make you happy, pass the time, and make you a more interesting and fulfilled person ;)
Keep the faith girl!
:tink:
Julie

[beksy]

I'll join you too! Just got a wedding invite last night for a dear friend. I'm excited for her and am looking forward to the wedding, but it will be hard. It's the first wedding I won't have a date to in a long time, and my ex will be there (who would have been my date).

We just have to have faith that not every single man between 30 and 40 is a complete jerk!

Welcome to the club!

[HollyB]

My cousin, who is recently divorced, really recommends meetup.com. It's not a dating site per se, but a place to find groups of people in your area who have similar interests. He joined a bunch of groups in his city when he and his wife separated--one was a singles group, but others were along the lines of trivia nights, bar music he enjoyed, wine tasting, hiking, etc. It got him out of the house, into a different pools of people, and he made a lot of new friends. He's also found a bunch of dates (with people he got to know through the various meetup groups first, thus knowing somewhat what you're getting before the first date). He really seems to like the woman he's seeing now. Anyway, he thought it was much more low key and natural than the dating site pressure. It might be worth seeing what is available in your area.