More Teen/PreTeen Drama! Long!

[DVC2004]

I posted a few months back about my youngest son. He recently turned 13 and is in 7th grade. He just does whatever...and gets caught, and punished/retstricted etc. Last time I posted he had left the house in the middle of the night to go down the street and visit some friends at a sleep over. Ugh! Things were going well for a short while. He made the honor roll, no issues with behavior etc.

This past Saturday he left the house AGAIN. This time a different friend. I don't know this other boy but they go to school together. In fact he only started talking about him in the last week. We were sleeping, the phone rang at 1 am and I answered it. My sons have no cell phones. I don't believe they need them at their age. The someone on the other end hung up. I figured it was a kid and I went back to bed. In the morning, the front door was found unlocked. I asked him and at first he denied it, but then admitted he went to the gazebo (a small gazebo in the center of our neighborhood, about a block away) to see this other boy and some other friends and then came back. I said why, after all this trouble last time and how clear we made it that this was not acceptable. Always the answer: I don't know.

Even worse, grades were terrible this semester and he hid midquarter report card. 2 F's. He has never had an F for a report card grade! Now we have a conference on Thurs. He has been lying and saying he has no homework. He also took a project to school to work on then never completed it, we found out, after he told us it was finished and turned it in. So we have a lying problem.

On a side note, I did *69 and got the number of the other boy. Of course it was a cell phone, and my son says he doesn't know where that boy lives. I did call this other kid and told him (just to scare) that I knew he snuck out of his house and I was going to come to his house and tell his mom. LOL was that wrong of me? I really would go there if I knew where they lived. I don't even know his last name. He got pretty scared and called back, made some excuse.

We're going to talk with the teachers at thos conference . I am also bringing him, because I feel he needs to own up to his behavior and actions. I think he should tell all of us why he does not do homework or complete projects. Obviously our groundings and restricted priveledges don't matter. Maybe now I have to be "embarrassing mom" . Maybe embarrassing him will deter because nothing else seems to.

I really don't know what we are doing wrong. I've always felt we have been fair. Not to strict but there are rules, limits etc. There are consequences. He just doesn't seem to care. It seems like he is thinking he will do what he wants, and deal with the fallout later. Grrr. :mad:

[Kenny1113]

Wow! Frustrating! :(

Im sorry I can't offer any advice. I just want to say that with my boys (10 and 8) I don't let them get away with "I don't know". It's just a cop out and an easy way out. I make them own up to the why.

Good luck to you. Hopefully this is just a rough phase and will pass.

[SBETigg]

You could be the best parents in the world, and things like this happen. I'm pretty sure you're on top of things and handling them the best you can, so please cut yourself some slack. The teen years are rough, and you need a lot of patience and you have to stay strict with rules- but not inflexible. You really do have to keep reminding yourself what it was like to be that age.

"I don't know." Haha. Of course he knows. Stuff was going on and he wanted to be involved, even if it meant breaking your rules. And it's really important to be there for him now even though you have to stay strict, too. Maybe involve him in a discussion about your rules, and be willing to appear to work with him a little. Did he sneak out because he disagreed with your rules? Does he think he needs a later curfew or more privileges? I'm not saying to give them, but try to find out what's on his mind, and what he thinks he might be missing out on when he's supposed to be home. What does he think is fair, and how does it mesh with what you feel is necessary?

It's so important to be involved in his life and not just be the enemy. Make sure he knows you love him and the rules are there to protect him, and even that you're willing to listen to any good argument he has as to why he needs the rules changed. When they have to justify their actions and make sense, it sometimes ends up just showing them where their logic is flawed and that you're looking out for them. Being the embarrassing mom could push him away, so be careful with it. And yes, this too shall pass.

[DVC2004]

Thanks- good advice as always!

He and I have always been close and always talked. :( I don't know what changed lately, maybe just testing out independence, peer pressure, etc. I think we definitely do need to sit down and have a discussion. I didn't accept I don't know from him, but I kept asking and he refused to answer or explain. I'm not sure how to "make" him talk if he doesn't want to or is not ready...

Now that it has been a few days and things have cooled off a bit, I think it's a good time tonight to reapproach, before the conference tomorrow with the teachers.

[SBETigg]

I'm always tempted to throw in a good "because I said so." :D I miss the days when that one worked (not since they were five, I think). Good luck with the talk.

[MstngDrvnDsnyLvr]

You may have to be extremely harsh. As in lock the windows and have a double keyed deadbolt that you keep the key to so he cannot leave the house....OR a inexpensive alarm on the doors so there is a loud alarm if he opens the doors at night.

Sometimes tough love is necessary to wake them out of the prepuberty stupor that so many boys that age end up in.

I spent a week going to classes with one of my sons because he was saying that he was never assigned homework, or had done it already, etc. I don't work outside the home, so I was able to do this after running it by his teachers and the administration. He didn't pull any more of that stuff with us ever again.

[Dopey's Girl]

I don't really have any advice, but wanted to wish you luck! My brother was a lot like this as a kid. He's getting somewhat better now (he has been in therapy for some issues for a little while which is helping a ton), so there is hope!

[bleukarma]

Good luck!! I have no advice as I don't have any kids. I feel for parents that have to go through the teen years.

I grew up in a strict household. If I was just a few minutes late with curfew then I would be grounded. And I never snuck out because we had an alarm and the key pad was right next to my aunt and uncle's (who raised me) bedroom door. At the time I hated how strict I was raised but now that I'm grown I'm actually grateful. It kept me on the right track (for the most part...there were still a few "incidents" :blush:). My brother was raised with my actual parents and they weren't strict at all and guess who turned out to be the responsible adult? Sometimes tough love works out well in the end.

[Janmac]

There is a lot of good info here. We have raised several teens and been foster parents to teens. It's a challenge. As was said, patience, and persistance. It helped me to focus on the future, what's the goal.

A few months ago I read an article in a National Geographic magazine about teens' brains' wiring. You could probably do a search and find the info, even not at Nat'l Geographic.

Essentially, in recent years, neurological testing has shown that teens perceive rewards differently than adults do. There is extensive reworking of the brain going on, starting about puberty, with unused stuff being unhooked and other stuff being hardwired with extra protection.

There was one telling example for me which described a driving game. When played alone, teens were as cautious as adults, wanting to get the "reward" offered by the game. When either group played with peers watching, the teen drivers took more risks than did the adult drivers, because in the teens' minds, the reward shifted from what the game offered to that of showing off for their peers.

What this means to me is that some teens are more family oriented and family rules are more effective. Other teens are more friends oriented which will make it difficult to discover what rewards a parent can come up with to compete with hanging out with the friends.

I mention rewards rather than punishments. My niece's now 7 year old (so looking forward to teen years! :D ) responds very well to rewards and seems to be completely oblivious to punishments. Has been since she was . . . well, old enough to need correcting.

You're thrown off base by your teen's off the wall behaviors. Throw one back at him by your reactions when you have your discussion. You can say obviously our rules and punishments are not working, therefore we're throwing them out. And pause.

You will have his attention now. Go on to mention that when his grades are good he will get a reward. Have a discussion about what he thinks are rewards for certain levels of grades.

Move on to when he observes curfews, etc, he earns another reward - which you two discuss.

As he is helping set the new rules, he may abide by them better.

Jan

[DVC2004]

Thanks, that's really good advice as well. A different perspective but it does make sense. I appreciate it. It is worth a try because what we are doing now isn't working. Thank you all.

[minnie04]

I really feel for you on this. I had this problem with my son when he was in second grade..Yes ! Second grade. He thought it was up to him to do and say as he pleased. Well he was wrong. Every day he was getting into trouble in class and they would send his little butt to the office. Well one day he thought he was above it all and walked out of class. OH BOY!! That’s when the (you know what) hit the fan. My husband and I came up with a plan. Because punishing him and no TV didn’t work. Also he would play all of us against each other (me, hubby, grandparents & teacher). My husband said ok (to me) from now on he has NO SAY SO IN ANYTHING!!! Meaning when he would ask for something HE wanted I would say "Sorry you have no say"(it’s our way) and then he would ask my husband the same thing and get the same answer I mean down to what he ate , wore & went. He learned really quickly that he had lost his right to want or do anything... Every time he asked a question he would get the same response. Basically ALL RIGHTS TAKEN AWAY!! It's hard to explain in words, but it worked with in a few days he knew he couldn’t pull anything over any of us and it stopped altogether. I know teenagers are wiser, but if you take away all his rights to have a voice on things he might see that it’s your way or no way and he will have to earn his voice and rights back. As far as sneaking out I would go as far as taking his right to sleep alone in his room away. Make him sleep on your floor in your room. HE IS TESTING YOU!!! And by letting him go out still and have the things he wants (even after a short or long punishment) HE IS WINNING!! I know every kid is different, but if you talk to the teacher and there is no bullying or anything like that going on in school and he isn’t depressed or acting strange. Then he is really only testing the rules. The other boy he is hanging out with probably has no rules or very little rules and he just wants to be like him. Staying out later and coming and going whenever he wants. I would set some rules and also reward him when he does well. Cell phones now days can come in handy when it comes to teens. I think they are a great way to keep a tab on kids. This way they don’t have to call "their mommy" they can text us and let us know they are ok and where they are suppose to be. Give him a time line to get his grades up and prove to you he should have a phone or be able to go out with friends. I’m sure that’s all it is and you will see he will come around. Give it time and don’t freak out about it. Just BE CONSISTENT!! In the rules and punishments. That’s what we were told by the psychologist oh yeah I didn’t mention that yes, we did speak to someone about this when it was happening. And his advice was to band together as parents and stay consistent

Sorry this was so long, but I hope it helped…

P.S. we have all been there at one time or another it does get better hang in there :mickey:

[Kenny1113]

Oh yeah...

I just thought of a book you might want to look into. It's called "the love languages of teenagers" I believe chapman is the author. I haven't read the book yet. I plan to as my son goes into middle school next year. I have been really happy with the original book. "the five love languages".

[DVC2004]

Thanks for the tips Minnie and Kenny for the book. I will look into that.

Minnie- I like the idea of making him sleep in my room :thedolls:. I think he would hate that.

[minnie04]

Minnie- I like the idea of making him sleep in my room :thedolls:. I think he would hate that.

Yeah he will not like the fact that what ever he says or wants is not up for disccusion..

I hope things are better. keep us posted..

[c&d]

I feel for you on this. We just went through this with our son also 13. He started a downward spiral last spring that lasted for what seemed forever. We tried everything we could, up to and including calling emergency services. Over the past month we seem to have gotten our son back. We don't know what happened and neither does he. We think it might have been a year of deaths, he lost his cat, 2 months later his hamster, 4 months later is grandfather and 5 months later his grandmother. When combined with puberty and some anxiety we think it pushed him over the edge so to speak. He just asks if he will ever snap like that again.

What helped us was a pediatrician who recommended therapy before drugs. Granted getting him to therapy was not easy, major battle but he talks to him and it seems to be working. Sports, particularly wrestling for our son really helped.

I wish you luck, it's not easy. My heart goes out to you the sneaking out at night is so scary. Locking windows, alarms, sleeping in our bedroom, he still found a way out.

[Aurora]

I have a 13-year-old son in 7th grade also, and this year his behavior changed. He is my middle child and I never had to worry about his grades in school, etc., and this year he suddenly stopped turning in homework assignments, etc. He had two reasons: he "forgot" or he "didn't know."

The fact is, he didn't care. Because kids this age just want to do what they want to do and don't have any idea of consequences. So we talked to his teacher and assigned him a student "partner" to help him keep track of his assignments. That way, he had a peer who was also invested in him succeeding. We also told him that if he didn't work harder to keep up his grades, we would move him to the other teacher (in his school, considered the "lower" level). This scared him, because his status with his friends is more important to him than anything else right now.

As far as the sneaking out, many "spare the rod" parents would disagree with me, but in my experience, at this age, kids respond more to rewards than punishments, and they're aching to make their own decisions. In other words, he's sneaking out at night because there is some social reward in it for him that's greater than any punishment you can give him. I agree with Jan above -- consider whether you can find a meaningful reward to dangle in front of him if he tows the line. Set up the rules for him to follow, and if he does, he gets the reward.

Whatever you choose, you have to try things that will work for you and your family. What is useful for one person may not be for another.

Good luck -- we're blazing the teenage trail here as well!

[DVC2004]

Well, he was well behaved at home last week when he was off for break. He went back to school today and this morning I made a list with him about what he was expected to do at school today, very specific:

- choose a book for an upcoming report and bring it home

-ask his math teacher at least one time during class to check his work (per our parent teacher conference)

- find his assigment notebook in locker and begin using immediately, every class, to write down assigments and have teacher sign off

-get binder from locker with all his folders and bring home to clean out, start using for each class

He is very disorganized so I hope this helps. We have his teachers on board as well to help us at least somewhat with this. At least for the assigment notebook part. It turned out at this conference it came to light that he never turned his project in at all! He never did it, then we found out he didn't and had him do it, then he took it to school and did not turn it in. He ended up with a 0 and and F for the quarter because this was a huge part of his grade. Obviously by the time we had the conference it was too late because the quarter was over.

I am hoping he uses the list we made today and does what he needs to. If so, I'll let him play a game tonight for 30 minutes (reward). We will see how this goes. Won't change over night but I hope he can get back on track and salvage this last quarter. I told him today, he has a fresh start and a clean slate. All starts over today. If he does not improve, his teachers already told him he WILL be in summer school.

Thanks again for the advise, stories, and general well- wishes. Hoping things get better!

[c&d]

A suggestion made by his guidance counselor really helped with DS. We emailed the teachers each week for an update on how he was doing. We got the good and the bad but at least we knew what was going on in the classrooms. The reports let us know not only if he was doing his homework but whether he was also engaged in the classroom.

We found his teachers were so willing to help him and us through the tough times.

[diz_girl]

I don't have teenagers, so I can't give you advice from my own personal experience. However, you might want to try some books by John Rosemond. His advice is rooted in common sense and he has some books that specifically address the teenage years. As far as discipline goes, his basic premise is that only he can change his behavior. That if you want him to change his behavior, then you have to make him uncomfortable enough with the negative consequences of his behavior that he wants to change it. You have to compel him to want to change his behavior. If the consequences aren't severe enough, then he won't change his behavior. That can be applied to a teenager or a preschooler that refuses to be potty trained. Good luck.