Family Vent- Long!

[DVC2004]

It's actually about sister in law. My husband has never been super- close to her but had a strong bond with his neice (her daughter). She is an adult now, well 19 so sort of. He/we have always done for her: been part of her life, bought gifts, taken her places etc. We have always included her and treated her with love as if she was a daughter. SIL often called us and gave us elaborate lists of things her daughter wanted as a gifts, often expensive items. We didn't always buy these $100 plus toys but we always did something for her. Last year our neice became a teen mom. We even gave her our crib as a gift because SIL called to tell us she couldn't afford to help her daughter out. Not to mention other gifts for her baby. SIL, husband's sister, has nothing to do with our kids. She made an attempt for a while, and by attempt I mean she tried to remember to call them on their birthdays and sometimes visit them or give them small gifts. This was after my husband had to tell her he was hurt by the fact she didn't seem to want to be part of her nephews lives. Sometimes she would call one then forget entirely about the other (birthday).

Earlier this year, our oldest graduated and also had a birthday around the same time, she called him briefly. We have not heard from her since. I have no idea what happened. Husband thinks she is avoiding us because she blew off our son's graduation/birthday, meaning she called but never came over to visit him or sent a card or anything. He never said anything to her because they have had this conversation before, where she has expressed interest in acting like a family but then has almost nothing to do with us besides calling to ask for stuff around holidays, birthdays, weddings, baby showers etc. for her family. Also, we haven't heard boo from our neice since about that time either. Which I don't get at all.

Anyway yesterday was our other son's birthday and she didn't bother to call even. I guess I really didn't expect her to but it was still disappointing. I just can't get why she treats her own brother and nephews this way. I guess I'll never know. Part of me wants to say something, but the other part of me says leave it alone. You can't dictate how other people treat you. :(

[MississippiDisneyFreak]

Sounds familiar, we have some in the family that way. We finally realized they aren't going to change so we have limited relationships with them now...sad:(

[Mickey'sGirl]

I don't have any advice, but I do fell badly for everyone involved. They are missing out on having your boys in their lives, and that is so sad.

[dnickels]

If it was me I would just leave it be. You can't force someone to look like they're making an effort, that has to come from them.

We've got one uncle in the family who never comes to family functions. As a kid I don't ever remember feeling left out or sad because he didn't send me a birthday card, he was just the weird uncle that we rarely saw. I don't think most kids will take it hard unless their parents do so if that's the way she wants to be, let her without making a big deal of it to anyone. As you said, you can only control your reaction and what you do, you can't control what she does.

[princessgirls]

This is the STORY of my life with my in-laws....

So hurtful!!! At this point in our life, my inlaws live 754 miles to be exact from us, and we have little or no contact with the adults. Their choice, not ours. We call and text, and no response, or a quick one.
My husband's nephews and niece are 21, 15, and 11. We still send Birthday and Christmas present for the kids. I do not do anything for the adults anymore. This was the first year that I didn't. As much as it hurts and bothers us that our girls are not thought of, I try to do the right thing. Once in a great while we may get something random from his sister. We used to go down 2X a year before my husband's mom passed away in 2006. The nephews have very good memories of time spent with us, and communicate with us on a regular basis. The 21 year old came up to visit this summer...because HE wanted too. His Mom did not know of his plans until he was leaving.
I have prayed about this situation, cried over this situation, seen my husband in pain over this situation, and have come to the conclusion...As much as it hurts, this is the way it is. It's not fair, or right, but at the end of the day People have to live with themselves.
I sleep fine at night...
Good Luck. It's not a fun situation to be in.
Julie:mickey:

[DVC2004]

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to say anything. It's been said before anyway so what's different this time. It is incrediblely sad. I come from a very small family. Nearly everyone has passed away and it's just me, my mom, and my only sister and her husband/children. I couldn't imagine treating my neice, nephew or sister like that. Well, as I said there is nothing you can do to change how someone treats you. I am grateful that my kids at least have one side that is caring towards them. It's sad to hear too that others have the same or similar.

[Dopey's Girl]

My dad's parents pretty much ignored my brother and I, while My uncle's 4 kids were worshiped. (I got a banana one year for Christmas, while my cousins got Cabbage Patch Kids.) It was hard, but other family members always took care of us. I agree, it's all about how you react to the situation.

I have a friend with 2 wonderful kids. Her sister has chosen to not be a part of their lives, and I just can't fathom it. They are just such amazing kids! I have become the adopted Aunt, because I remember those feelings, and would never want another kid to feel that way.

Good luck...families are fun aren't they?!

[SBETigg]

There are no excuses for her, but just try to keep in mind (as I do, with certain relatives) that not all people show love the same way. Also, a lot of the avoidance could be due to personal embarrassment. Maybe she feels bad that all she can do is call, can't afford to give much, so she avoids. It might not even be on purpose, but maybe a mental block and it's entirely self-protective. She could be jealous of all that her brother has. Sibling rivalry is a powerful thing. It's entirely possible that the love is still there, but she doesn't know how to show it or deal with her own feelings of... whatever it is, maybe inadequacy. It's still hurtful and makes you sad, and you're entitled to those feelings. It might even be personal, but I would recommend trying to get past the slight and not take it personally, as much as it must feel that way. Or, you could ask her about it. It might result in a good conversation (or trouble, those things can go either way sometimes).

[TheVBs]

I am so sorry. Family issues can be so upsetting, and are so helpful to vent about. I think SBETigg made some excellent points.

[cer]

It's actually about sister in law. My husband has never been super- close to her but had a strong bond with his neice (her daughter).


I think the fact that your husband has never been "super-close" with his sister means something. If they have never been close, why would that change - even for the kiddos?

Extend grace to each other. Gift giving and the obligatory call on a birthday does not make a close relationship. Don't worry or have expectations and you won't ever be disappointed.

It is ok for family relationships to be casual acquaintances. Let's be honest, most family relationships are! Get together for family functions, share some good food and enjoy the company, but don't keep a running tally on who has done what. In my experience, I have found that letting all stuff like that go makes for a much happier me.

By the way, I do not agree with her calling with a "gift registry", unless of course you have asked for gift ideas. That is pretty rude. You should give what you want and maybe do away with gift giving altogether if it is causing this much frustration.

Best wishes for family peace!

[DVC2004]

By the way, I do not agree with her calling with a "gift registry", unless of course you have asked for gift ideas. That is pretty rude. You should give what you want and maybe do away with gift giving altogether if it is causing this much frustration.

Best wishes for family peace!

Yeah totally rude. We did not ask her for gift ideas. When my neice was little SIL would call us before Christmas and tell us she wanted us to buy her things like a My Size Barbie or a Barbie Dream House. At the time, both of these were over $100. I was surprised she would even ask someone else to buy those things. Gifts like that I felt should come from a parent. We told her point blank, that's really not in our budget. Her response was: "Well, that's what she wants." The reason I bring this up is because usually the only time we hear anything at all from her is when SHE wants something. Gift, money; she once wanted to come to our house to do a Primerica Life Insurance presentation because it was a side job that she was trying to earn money at. She called us repeatedly to schedule and then re-schedule this presentation. But, the same person can't take 5 minutes out of her day to call her nephews and say happy birthday. It costs zero to call someone (well pretty much).

I'd be fine with a casual relationship. However this is a one-sided relationship. It feels as though she doesn't acknowledge the kids as her family and that is what is upsetting. Sort of feels like being "used". She always goes on and on about the "special bond" my husband and neice share. Kind of almost feels like resentment -as though me and the kids are an ex-husband's new spouse and family rather than a brother's family. It's hurtful and confusing to my kids with her popping in and out of their lives. But, just need to move on and let it be I guess.

[SBETigg]

Wow, I was giving her too much benefit of the doubt, I guess. Now I think maybe her issue is that she's really caught up in herself and can't think beyond that. I remember someone here talking about a SIL who expected them to sit through a presentation and was very adamant and rude about it-- was that you? In any case, I agree that it has to be terribly frustrating, and the less you have to deal with her, the better.

[DVC2004]

Wow, I was giving her too much benefit of the doubt, I guess. Now I think maybe her issue is that she's really caught up in herself and can't think beyond that. I remember someone here talking about a SIL who expected them to sit through a presentation and was very adamant and rude about it-- was that you? In any case, I agree that it has to be terribly frustrating, and the less you have to deal with her, the better.

LOL it might have been me... She didn't actually ever end up doing the presentation, but she kept calling us about it and it was sore subject at our house. Husband felt like he had to say yes but I felt weird because I know she was going to want to discuss our finances as part of the deal in order to sell us insurance and this is the last person I would want to know that info.

Thanks for letting me vent. You guys are great. I really do appreciate everyone's input and perspectives.

[cer]

LOL it might have been me... She didn't actually ever end up doing the presentation, but she kept calling us about it and it was sore subject at our house. Husband felt like he had to say yes but I felt weird because I know she was going to want to discuss our finances as part of the deal in order to sell us insurance and this is the last person I would want to know that info.

Thanks for letting me vent. You guys are great. I really do appreciate everyone's input and perspectives.

Oh, oh, OH! I remember the SIL presentation thing, too! UGH! So glad you were able to get out of THAT!

Don't waste too much emotional energy on this one. Maybe it can become sort of an inside family joke...."It's _________ on the phone...hmmmm wonder what she wants THIS TIME???" Try handling the hurt with humor.

And yes, it stinks to be taken advantage of.

[garymacd]

I've always said, "You can pick your teeth, but you can't pick your relatives." Well, words to that effect.

I'm sorry you are going through this. We've been there and found that the unofficial family we picked up along the way were often much nicer than the the ones we were given.