Need advice and prayers

[GA girl]

I need help!
My daughters best friend was killed in a car wreck this past Monday. She is heart broken and there is really nothing I can do to help her. He would have graduated this year. This makes the 3rd senior from the class on 2011 that has been killed in a car accident. The other 2 were not as good of friends with my daughter as this boy was.
She talked to him almost everyday.
My heart breaks for her. We are going to the visitation tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. Is there anything that I can do to help her deal with it?
He was the passenger in the car and they had been drinking, luckily no one else was killed.

Also, please pray for the family of this young man whose life ended so tragically because of one bad decision. Maybe the other teens will take it as a wake up. :(

[MNNHFLTX]

I'm so sorry to hear this. My condolences to your daughter and the family of this young man. :(

As far as helping your daughter, I think your loving support as she goes through this grieving process is the main thing. Your presence at the visitation and funeral will be of great comfort to her and to her friend's family. I'm sure. I would also suggest being aware as time goes by as to her emotional state of mind. It may be that she and her other friends may need some counseling to be able to cope with all these losses.

[Dulcee]

Much love and prayers for you and your daughter.

My fiance lost his best friend when he was a freshmen in college due to a car accident. The young man's father was intoxicated and driving when the car overturned. It took my fiance several years to really come to grips with it and 5 years later its still not something he can talk about easily. After the accident he dealt with it by drinking and letting his college grades go. It took several months before he admitted to himself that he needed to talk to someone about it. After seeing a counselor for several months he was finally able to deal with the tragedy and was able to get himself back on track.


Watch your daughter closely in the coming weeks. If she isn't comfortable talking to you about it or doesn't seem to be able to process the events talking to a school counselor or a private psychologist can be a huge help to her.

[TheVBs]

I am so sorry. There are no words for a tragedy like this. I think supporting her and making sure she talks about her feelings are great suggestions. There's a group I've heard of, don't know if it's nationwide, it's called SRSLY and the goal is to educate people about underage drinking and prevent it. If you think she would benefit from something proactive, she could volunteer for them, or start a local chapter if there isn't one.

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

I am so sorry for your daughter, and the family of the young man. How terrible, especially at Easter! Prayers are being sent your way.

When I was in high school, there was an accident with a group of students, and one of the them died. The school was wonderful, with many opportunities for memorial, counselling and just talking. Encourage your daughter to particiapte in them, even if she doesn't feel like it...it will most likely help.

[faline]

I'm so sorry. I have no specific advice. Grief is such an individual thing but it is certainly important to have support from those who love and care. I'm sure your daughter feels the support you are providing.

[disney obsessed]

I am very sorry. My daughters boyfriend was killed in a freak skate boarding accident because he did not wear a helmet. They were 18. Young people should not be touched by such loss. It's hard enough to be my age and deal with it. She found great solice in being with friends. We hugged a lot. Life was very hard for a while. She did drop out of college. It was just too hard to concentrate. She would not agree to seeing a therapist (I am one) and needed time to heal. She is currently 21, works full time and takes classes part time. She has moved forward in her life, has a good boyfriend and Greg is with her everyday. He will always be the young, goofy Greg that tried to make everyone uncomforable and had a very strange sense of humor. He will live on in her forever. And I am sitting here smiling thinking about him. Back then, I didn't think I ever would. Time will help. Remembering him will help. Hugging her will help.

His group of close friends formed a foundation. They raised money, made t shirts and bumper stickers and gave them to kids. All of the slogans were about remembering to wear a helmet.

My prayers for you all.

[GA girl]

Thanks for your responses. There were so many people at the visitation. He was such a special boy. It is so sad to be taken at such a young age with your whole life ahead of you.
My daughter did good up until she saw him. He looked so unreal.
I pray that we never have to go thru this again. I can not imagine the pain his parents are in.

[BrerGnat]

I don't have any advice to add, but wanted to offer my condolences on the loss of this very special man in your lives. Sending prayers and pixie dust by the bucketload!

[Janmac]

As you know - there isn't a lot you can do for your daughter while she grieves. Except you can listen. If she feels she's being heard and is connecting, she may be able to move forward more easily.

When our kids are very little, we're used to problem solving for them. As our kids get more independent, they don't appreciate the problem solving much any more but they still need to feel that they have a place they belong and are important.

The best way I've found to do that is to repeat their words back to them - slightly reworded. If you're hearing "I don't think I can get over this" a good response is, "you're feeling overwhelmed" or maybe "it seems so hard".

Although usually with most of the teens in my house it's been more along the lines of "I"m so mad at [fill in the blank]" to which "I can see you're upset" works. As DH says, it sounds really dumb but after a couple of back and forths like that the teen is usually calm enough to reflect on their own solutions.

Obviously your daughter has a much tougher hurdle to overcome. But you can help. Especially if you respond with statements about feelings. We all think we'll make things worse to say, "Losing a friend really hurts" but often that is what keeps the lines of communication open and keeps the healing going.

It is so shocking when young people get killed.

Jan

[Zawadi]

In 1989, I was working in an office and had desks that were in a 2x2 configuration.

The lad directly opposite to me was 23, was a good friend and was excited as he'd just become a dad. One day he asked me to take him to collect a car from a private sale. I took him to collect the car and all was well until the morning 2 days later when his desk telephone rang and I took the call. It was his mother calling to say the he had been killed in a freak motorway accident. The shoulder was coned off when his engine failed and instead of driving through the cones he stopped in lane 1. As he got out of the car he was caught by a passing truck.

I was so upset and angry that I blamed the people that sold him what I considered to be a defective vehicle. I was so consumed by this, that evening I just drove around to the seller's house and told them what had happened.

The entire office attened his service and cremation. As the curtains closed "He ain't heavy, he's my brother" (Hollies) was played.

All I can say is that things do get easier over time but I still find it difficult to listen to that song.

Each person's grieving process is unique. I believe that the worst thing is just to keep quiet and bottle it up as the pressure valve will finally explode as happened to me when I returned to the sellers.

I was a Star Trek fan and I found one line that helped me. The line was from "The Next Generation" following the death of character Tasha Yar:

"Death is that state in which one exists only in the memory of others. Which is why it is not an end."

It was in my friend's memory that I decided to do something about promoting the dangers of the road. This involved taking an advanced driving test then observing/training other drivers to be proactive drivers to identify and respond to hazzards before they become real dangers.

[pianobabe]

My thoughts and prayers are with your daughter and all of the lives this young one touched.

One of the things that was so special to me when my brother died was something one of the pastor's said. He said the one thing we always needed to do for each other was to "Be there". In the three years since Rob died, those words have always stood out. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to "be there".

[Dopey's Girl]

When I was in HS, 3 kids from my class died tragically within 3 weeks of one another. One of them was my best friend. I had known him since preschool, so it was a real blow, and it took me years to come to terms with, but even now, more than 16 years later it still makes me sad sometimes.

My best advice for you is to make sure she has someone (you, a friend or anyone who knew him) to talk to when she needs it, but don't ever force it. I was forced to talk to a counselor and it made me angry, because she didn't know him, and was just trying to give me answers. She just made me feel worse!

Good luck to you, lots of pixie dust for all of you on this long road.