Is this bullying and how would you handle it?

[crazypoohbear]

my DS age 16 texts me from school almost daily asking if he can "hit this kid".
Now my son has never hit anyone and is very timid in public so I know he would not hit the kid.
He tells me this kid, also 16 and on the basketball team and in one of his classes had decided to target my son. every day, several times a day, he calls my kid names, threatens to "beat the <snip> out of him" gets other kids to call him names.
Some examples from just yesterday are.
making fun of his hair color, calling him fat, stupid, lousy ball player, "slang word for gay"
He even said to him after the game "I would beat the snot out of you if your mom wasn't here"
this has been going on for months now.
I have tried telling my kid that the other boy "troy" has low self esteem, that he picks on my son because he wants to try to make him feel as bad as Troy feels about himself.
I've told him to ignore it and not react, that he will then find another target.
My son absolutely told me NOT to call the school and talk with anyone because then he will "really" get picked on.
Today, I snapped and told him to deck the kid
( I know, not great parenting, but I know my kid wouldn't do it)
My question is how did you/would you handle this?
High school is such a lousy time for so many people and unfortunately my kid will not stand up for himself and takes this teasing to heart.
I don't really want to get involved too much because then he will be picked on for his mom "fighting his battles"
HELP!

[Pop Centurion]

Violence isn't always the best solution but at times is necessary. It's a tough decision to make since you don't want your son to get in trouble but at the same time want him to defend himself.
Explaining to him about the other kids low self esteem was a great idea. To add, most of the time those kids aren't really tough either. Tell your son (in case he does have to defend himself) that that kid is only intimidating because he's playing the aggressor thus appearing to be tough. This way if the other kid does get physical your son won't just cover up & take a beating.

He is right as far you not getting involved. Not only will the other kid give him a harder time, so will others who view him as weak.

Again, I don't want to condone violence but the situation will continue unless he does something. If so it's quit possible once your son say's "I'm sick of your <snip>, I'd like to see you try to beat my <snip> the other kid might back off out of respect and/or the fact he's scared himself. But there's still the chance that a fight will happen.

One other option is for your son to make friends with some bigger/stronger kids who will stick up for him in those situations. But he can't come off as a weakling looking for bodyguards.

Your best bet is to just instill confidence in your son & hope for the best. These things happen everyday & I had to deal with it as a kid myself.

[BellesRose]

Oddly enough, I just read in a magazine about a 14 year old being bullied and asked his mom to help him by going to the school. She thought that he needed to do it himself and personally, I thought that was crazy. If your son is asking for help, you help. I think you're a great mom, wanting to help your son but not wanting to get too involved. I think I would go against my son's wishes and get involved, but I'm not recommending it. In fact, I can't give any advice because I haven't been in the situation. BUT, that's if your son has never been hit. If this other boy touched your son, then all deals are off, and you need to talk to someone in the school immediately.
Does your son have friends? If so, try to make sure they are together as much as possible. Remind your son to try and not let words get to him. And if things get worse or you notice a change in your son's overall behavior, attitude, or mood, then maybe it is time to get involved. Just my opinion, not really advice or anything...wish I could be better help for you!

[Janmac]

This is a tough situation to be in. There is such a thing as the Safe Schools Act which is supposed to prevent or stop this kind of thing. Here in our neck of the woods what generally happens is that the kid being picked on finally gets tired of it and does hit and then gets a "vacation" from school for fighting while the bully still goes to school. Why the teachers/administration do not know who the bullies are and who are the ones being picked on is beyond me.

Years ago, our daughter was being picked on daily, in 8th grade. We moved her to another school and paid the tuition, which at that time was something we could afford. We learned after we moved her that several other families had done the same thing, because of the bullying. Just being in a new school seemed to help break the cycle.

Only about 8 years ago a big bully was picking on a much smaller kid in our grandson's class, offering to break his arm, because the smaller kid had hit him with the ball during dodge ball. Our grandson, tho smaller than the bully, stood in front of the smaller kid and said, "you've got to go past me". The bully offered to break his arm too, to which our grandson said, "go ahead, I'm not afraid of you". The bully backed down, because our grandson was not afraid of him. I asked him why he wasn't afraid, when he told me about it, and his response was, "I'll heal".

I wish there were a good answer. Good luck for you and your son. You probably do have to let him handle it.

Jan

[Kenny1113]

Wow it doesn't get any easier. :( DS 9 is going through emotional (?) bullying, I thought maybe it would get easier when he gets older. Guess not. :( I feel kinda guilty because I told DS that yes the bully deserves to be decked, but that DS would get in trouble at school for it. I guess I feel like that opened it up so that if the situation escalates and he feels he has no other way out, he knows DH and I will understand. I understand not wanting to get involved, bc I don't want to do it for my 9 yo ( fear of making it worse ) I imagine for a 16 yo Definately not. Best of luck!

Btw Jan I love the story about your Grandson! :)

[HollyB]

Of course it's bullying.

Where does he see these kids? Can you manipulate his schedule so he has to deal with them less or not at all?

In 7th grade this boy was constantly picking on my daughter, teasing her, poking at her. He was in almost everyone of her classes. We managed to get a few of them switched so at least she had a couple of breaks. That was enough to let her tough it out. Oddly, the kid matured and now in 10th grade they are pretty good friends.

What's the rest of his high school life like? Does he have an afterschool activity with kids he enjoys? If your son has something fun--school related, but not a class--that he chooses to do with good friends, that often makes the high school experience so much better.

[TinkerbellT421]

Such a tough situation to be in. From not being out of high school too long ago (ten years) its just getting worse. Unfortunately, through personal experience, if you go to the school, your child will get picked on more, and it may get worse. Though with the way things are with bullying these days it may not get worse because schools are in a situation where they have to handle bullying differently. In my situation, it didnt stop till I fought back. I was bullied a lot in school. My mom tried going to the school, it got worse. My mom went to the parents, and soon realized they figured out where the kids got it from (sad but true). Then the bullying also got worse. I experienced everything from name calling, to being pushed down stairs, head slammed in locker, followed after school to my home, rumors started about me that got the rest of the other going, it was a brutal cycle. I would be more concerned about how it effects your son emotionally. Have you tried going to the school psychologist? I went to the school psychologist one day after being pushed down the stairs and kicked. The school psychologist ended up talking to me and got a lot of hidden emotions I had bottled up inside over the whole thing. It may be possible that if your son goes to the school psychologist that she could call a meeting between them (Your son and the bully). I stuck up for myself in front of the psychologist to the bully, without fists being thrown, and believe it or not, it did get better. And somehow I didnt get tortured anymore. I think the problem now a days is that kids dont realize how much this stuff can damage another person. But with your son going to someone directly, hes not going "to mommy" to handle his "battles" which I know you said you were concerned about, because YES that will make it worse, unfortunately thats just reality when dealing with bullies. Bullies do not have any sense of common sense, emotions or feelings for anyone else. And also express to your child that in a few years after your son graduates and makes something of himself and that bully ends up being a pizza delivery boy who will have the last laugh. Atleast thats what happened to me, a couple of years after I graduated I order a pizza from my local pizza hut, guess who delivered it? And guess who had nothing but apologies for what they had put me through. I hope things work out for you guys!!!

[brownie]

It's bullying and I think you're going to need to get the school involved.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

When my co-worker's granddaughter was going through this at the SAME SCHOOL, Karen called the police. They went and spoke to the other girl and her parents and the bullying stopped. Maybe this kid needs a wake up call like that too!

[crazypoohbear]

Thanks for all the input.
My son only has 1 class with this kid, but they are on the same sports team. The sport just ended thankfully!
My Ds plays xbox live and this kid is on with some of the other kids from school as well.

From how my son explains it, if he is online playing with 1 or 2 other boys everything is fine, when this Troy kid joins in online he starts with the trashing of my kid, then the other kids will join in and then either my son "leaves" the game or they will kick him out of the live game.

This leaves my kid upset and with "nothing to do". ( my kid is a big video addict and most of his socializing is online, Sad but this is how most of the kids socialize nowadays)
My son doesn't like going to parties, or hanging out at the mall, ("mom, those kids aren't making the best choices or decisions, I don't want to smoke or drink and I don't want to hang around with idiots who do that") He has a compelling argument and I can't fault him for that!

HE gets angry that the other kids "are fine with me until Troy comes along then they join in with his garbage.
I told him most people are sheep and will just follow without a thought of their own and they go through life like this and he should celebrate the fact he isn't a sheep and has his own personality and style and is not a follower.

At 16, these words of wisdom don't help much.
I also told him that no matter what I would have his back.
I also told him that "I will take that punk down!"
he laughed and said "I know you would mom"
I wouldn't actually hit the kid but he likes knowing that I have his back.
It's school vacation this week so he won't see the kid, I don't think he has gone on xbox live because he is avoiding them.
I am trying to talk him into taking a self defense or boxing course, I want him to be able to deck the punk if he has to!

[BellesRose]

The one and only time I ever went on X-Box Live was at a friends house, and this kid who was probably half my age called me every name in the book, including some I had never even heard of. It took me less than 5 minutes before I had enough. Honestly, that's one thing I wish had never been invented :thedolls:

[Stitchahula]

I'm not sure if I'm more mad or sad right now that some punk is doing this to my nephew. I want to go there and put this kid in his place but I know that wouldn't help. We grew up with bullies, you know how to handle them. He either needs to 'stand up" to this kid (after you show him how to throw a decent punch) or go to the police/school. You know bullies never stop bullying until they are made to, by finding out that A. the 'victim" will stand up for themselves or B. the authorities become involved. You don't want #2 son to become isolated and not even able to play his video games.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

And as I said today, I will go have the "come to Jesus" talk with this kid. Preferrably in front of his peers. Then we'll see how brave he is! And that way your son can't be mad because you got involved.....

[VWL Mom]

I'm so sorry your son is going through this.If there is anyone at the HS your son really trusts, he should let them know what's going on (even w/o naming names and they will keep their eyes and ears open. DS19 put up with the same nonsense in his jr year and unfortunately he did get to the point where he had enough and decked the bully. Guess who got suspended? Yep, ds did. We were told that since he had not documented the issues with the school, they had no choice even though the video showed the kid smushing a banana on him before ds swung. I must say though, after the fight he was not bullied again!

As far as the xbox thing, have your son block Troy so he will not be able to join any party your son is in. It's in settings somewhere, pretty easy to do. Another option is to report him to xbox, and they will shut him down. Again, easy to do and xbox will not disclose who reported. I believe its 3 days for 1st off, 5 days for 2nd, and permanent after that.

Hang in there, they all survive it somehow. DS19 is now safely in college but DS15 is a fr in the same school, so I wait for the next shoe to drop. Just keep being the mama cub and have his back.

[MNNHFLTX]

I am trying to talk him into taking a self defense or boxing course, I want him to be able to deck the punk if he has to!I think that's actually a good idea--hopefully he won't need to use those skills, but it will probably increase his confidence and make him feel less intimidated by the bully.

The way I see it, there are several good things going in this situation:

1. That your son is 16, an age where he is probably more of an independent thinker (and not as reliant on the approval of his peers for his sense of self-worth).
2. That he obviously trusts you and communicates freely with you. I would be more worried if he was keeping these experiences and their impact to himself.
3. That he seems to have a good sense of how he wants to handle the situation, at least as far as your involvement.

I would respect his request not to get involved for now. I think it's great that you have reinforced to him that you will have his back and continue to be a sounding board for him. I know it's frustrating for a parent to see their child going through something like this, but it sounds like you have raised a level-headed kid.

[Ian]

I think that's actually a good idea--hopefully he won't need to use those skills, but it will probably increase his confidence and make him feel less intimidated by the bully.

The way I see it, there are several good things going in this situation:

1. That your son is 16, an age where he is probably more of an independent thinker (and not as reliant on the approval of his peers for his sense of self-worth).
2. That he obviously trusts you and communicates freely with you. I would be more worried if he was keeping these experiences and their impact to himself.
3. That he seems to have a good sense of how he wants to handle the situation, at least as far as your involvement.

I would respect his request not to get involved for now. I think it's great that you have reinforced to him that you will have his back and continue to be a sounding board for him. I know it's frustrating for a parent to see their child going through something like this, but it sounds like you have raised a level-headed kid.FWIW, I think Beth is very wise and I agree with her assessment 100%.

[caryrae]

I would respect his request not to get involved for now. I think it's great that you have reinforced to him that you will have his back and continue to be a sounding board for him. I know it's frustrating for a parent to see their child going through something like this, but it sounds like you have raised a level-headed kid.

Not sure if I missed how long this has been going on but how long would you wait before getting involved with this happen at school daily, multiple times a day, and also in his own home trying to play video games with other kids online? I am not a parent so I'm not sure but when is it enough and the parent needs to step in before something worse may happen?

[clausjo]

In the school district where we lived in South Fl, there was an annonymous bullying hotline - this may be an option for your son. The schools are taking bullying very seriously these days and would want to know what is going on. Perhaps your son could speak with a trusted teacher or guidance counselor about the situation. If he requests that his name not be mentioned, they should respect his wishes. This way, if anything was to happen, the school has been informed and your son will not look like the aggressor.

Good luck!

[crazypoohbear]

I think that's actually a good idea--hopefully he won't need to use those skills, but it will probably increase his confidence and make him feel less intimidated by the bully.

The way I see it, there are several good things going in this situation:

1. That your son is 16, an age where he is probably more of an independent thinker (and not as reliant on the approval of his peers for his sense of self-worth).
2. That he obviously trusts you and communicates freely with you. I would be more worried if he was keeping these experiences and their impact to himself.
3. That he seems to have a good sense of how he wants to handle the situation, at least as far as your involvement.

I would respect his request not to get involved for now. I think it's great that you have reinforced to him that you will have his back and continue to be a sounding board for him. I know it's frustrating for a parent to see their child going through something like this, but it sounds like you have raised a level-headed kid.

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.

I have to say that he is and always has been a very independent thinker but at the same time he really craves acceptance from his peers, he will not cave in to peer pressure, he just really wants them to accept him how he is. he is truly an oxymoron!
He usually is pretty tight lipped with me, our "normal" relationship is a need to know basis on his part and he doesn't feel I need to know much :)
So when he does come to me with an issue I know that it is really bugging him and causing him problems.
He is on school vacation this week and we are keeping him out of school next week (Disney vacation)
I did put a call into the vice principal to feel him out, he called me back today but I wasn't around so I will call him tomorrow.
I do not want to make a formal complaint at this time but I want to know what the school does and how things are handled.

[MNNHFLTX]

Not sure if I missed how long this has been going on but how long would you wait before getting involved with this happen at school daily, multiple times a day, and also in his own home trying to play video games with other kids online? I am not a parent so I'm not sure but when is it enough and the parent needs to step in before something worse may happen?Of course, every parent has to trust their own instincts and do what they think is right. But at 16 if a kid verbalizes that he doesn't want a parent to step in, I think it is probably a good idea to respect that. It may be that he is using his parents as a sounding board to figure out what he wants to do about the situation himself. I think the key is to continue to have open communication, so that he knows that he has help and support, if he decides he needs it.

[crazypoohbear]

I spoke with the vice principal today, I told him what had been happening and that my son did not want me involved or to get the administration involved at this time. I told him I just wanted to make him aware of what had been said so If I or my son approached him he would know that it was not the first instance and that this was an ongoing issue.
He said he would respect my wish to not intervene at this time but would definately intervene if either one of us approached him.
I felt better having spoken with him and giving him a heads up. I am hoping that being out for the week of school vacation and then we are leaving tomorrow for FLA. so my son will be out another week will give the kid a cooling off period.
Thank you all again for your input. I really appreciate your help and words of wisdom.

[Ramblingman]

Best of luck to him. It's hard to know the best thing to do in circumstances like these.

I can only offer these words of encouragement to your son - My daughter went through her own period of being bullied in high school. Now that she is a freshman in college, she is amazed at the difference. When they show something on TV about bullying, she just says, if only those kids would realize that once you get to college, none of that matters anymore.

For myself, I always found that a sharp mind and quick retorts worked wonders...turn things around and get people laughing at the instigator.

[Kona]

At this time you have done the only thing you can do as a parent. The rest is up to your son. He is going to have to stand up to this bully at sometime, or this will follow him for the rest of his time in school, or as long as this bully is in the same school. I would start now to prepare your son to defend himself, get him ready if this becomes physical. You having a come to Jesus meeting with this kid will only make matters worst. Once your son stands up for himself, this will come to an end. Good Luck.

[diz_girl]

I had just a couple of comments -

First, try to figure out why he isn't standing up for himself and teach him how to stand up for himself. Most kids are not taught to stand up for themselves. Teaching him this will help him his entire life. He may be following the example of someone in the family who is timid.

Second, your kid has to call this kids bluff. So you (or someone else) has to teach him how to throw a punch. Our family moved when I was 8 and I changed schools. One of the girls at my new school started to bully me (and she was smaller than me) and she eventually challenged me to a fight, probably thinking that I wouldn't fight. I just had to land one good punch to the face and the bullying was over.

Third, explain to your kid that this bully is bluffing. His excuse has been because his Mom was around. If he was really going to beat him up, he would have done so by now because he's probably had plenty of opportunities to do so when his mother isn't around. A little push-back usually silences bullies.

Good luck.

[DisneyQuester]

As a school counselor in a high school, I think you did the right thing by contacting the school adminstration. There is nothing worse than when a student comes to my office for fighting and says their parent gave them the go ahead. If there is no previous record of the bullying before the physical altercation took place then in the adminstration's eyes your son will look like the bully and have the red flag on their permanent record. Sometimes it is hard to remember what it was like to be a kid. Bullying goes on behind teachers' backs and usually cannot be stopped unless its reported by the student or a friend of the student. The new form of bullying is done mostly over facebook or texting and ripples into the classrooms. This is proving to be an extremely challenging problem for schools. I cannot tell you how many fights have started over someone saying something about someone on facebook. It is a different world now.

To end on a better note, I hope your family enjoys your vacation!

[magicalmom]

I would say, if your son can block the other boy on XBox Live, he certainly should. You should also continue to encourage him to document any issues he's having with this kid, both at school and on the sports team, so there's a paper trail in place if he ever loses it completely and clobbers the kid. Also - is there a way to print out comments made on XBox, or take a screen shot? Those comments should be added to the paper trail.

In the meantime, I hope you and he have a great time at the House of Mouse!