Wedding Advice *long story*

[LauraleeH]

So I'll start off with using fake Disney names. A good friend of mine is getting married. Her name is *Ariel.* My best friend is *Belle.*

Belle and Ariel are also friends. We've all known each other for years because we met at youth group when we were young.

As I said, Ariel is getting married. We have an on-again, off-again type of friendship. After she got engaged, we met up at Starbucks. I listened to her the entire night without her asking me one question about myself, which was fine, because I know she's just excited. She tells me she's not inviting my brother to the wedding. That's fine with me because I know my brother wouldn't want to go to her wedding anyways. But then she tells me she isn't inviting Belle either. She said she just doesn't have the money to invite everyone. I told her I understood, because honestly if and when I ever get married, I won't be able to invite many people either. Ariel then tells me she doesn't care if the world goes to her wedding, it's actually her reception that she is limiting people because she has to pay for their food and if people go to the wedding, they bring gifts.

However, I later find out through Facebook that she is inviting everyone else we know, including all of her ex-boyfriends and their families. Ok, still, it's her wedding...

She has 3 bridesmaids and a maid of honor. I was certain that since she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid (We'd talk about our weddings for hours when we were younger, and I always just assumed we'd be part of each others) then she was going to ask me to be her photographer. I was wrong. She actually lined up two other photographers, one professional and one just a friend.

I'm a little bit hurt, but I won't say anything because again, it's HER wedding!

However, she has been posting on a daily basis all the details about her wedding on Facebook. Everyone comments her and asks her questions or just tells them how happy they are for her, including Belle, but now she's too busy to reply to everyone.

Still, Belle was getting really excited for the wedding. She loves weddings and couldn't wait, especially since they are having it at our church. I finally ended up telling Belle that there was no invitation coming in the mail for her. She is very hurt because Ariel invited every other person from church (Besides my brother) and Ariel and Belle have never had any problems. In fact, I've had more problems with Ariel.

Since the night she discussed the wedding, she suddenly doesn't want to hang out anymore. She never texts me anymore, and rarely responds to mine. She doesn't talk to me on Facebook except to say she misses her Prince Charming (He lives in another state).

Very long story short, I don't want to go to the wedding. I would want to go if I were allowed to bring a date (Everyone else is, but she assumes I couldn't get a date or want one anyways) or if I could bring Belle or my brother...just someone to have by my side so I don't have to go and sit alone. My ex is going to be there with his new girlfriend. It's just a weird situation.

It seems like Ariel doesn't want me to go but she invited me because she felt obligated. I could be wrong, but that's how it feels. Also, why doesn't Ariel want to hang out anymore? She ALWAYS wanted to hang out before she got engaged...mostly to vent about why he hasn't proposed yet, but still. Straight after the wedding, they are leaving for their honeymoon and then she's moving out of state with him, and I'd like to spend some time with her before she leaves, but she has cut everyone out of her life except her Prince Charming.

Am I wrong to not want to go to her wedding?

[BigRedDad]

Weddings tend to create a totem pole of where you stand on the friend's list. It is completely greedy to invite people to a wedding and not allow them at the reception. That is classless. If you cannot afford a big wedding, don't. Do it the right way though.

In all honesty, if she is the way you state, she only contacts you to vent. That is not really much of a friendship in my opinion. I define friends by quality and not quantity. I have about 6 friends I will drop almost everything in a heartbeat to help them and would get the same reciprocation. Those are my true friends. I have others that I consider friends, but would not expect reciprocation from them.

My wife went through this with people she thought were friends. She wouldn't listen to me. We wound up going to the wedding, stayed at the reception for maybe 15 minutes when it was clear that she was not really expected or appreciated for being there. Needless-to-say, we took the card back. I already threw away 2 hours of my life, I wasn't throwing away $100 on top of it.

[DizneyRox]

I agree with the above. Every so often I weed through friends and drop the ones that don't apply anymore. I've got too much else going on, don't need to waste my time.

I'd probably rsvp no and forget about the whole thing, that's if I took the time to open up the invite.

[NotaGeek]

Sounds like she's not a good friend, and you are definitely off again. RSVP no and de-friend her on facebook. Life is too short to muddle up your life with people of little consequence.

[SBETigg]

I would send a lovely gift and skip the wedding. She doesn't seem like a great friend. Maybe she was, but she's not acting like it now. I don't know that she's even aware of what she's doing. She seems pretty clueless and into herself, just from what you've told us. So perhaps she doesn't mean to hurt feelings, she just hasn't really gone outside herself to find out. Which is a shame, for her. You might do yourself the favor of not paying attention to her Facebook for awhile, either.

I'm sorry you're having such a time with her. Maybe it will blow over once the wedding excitement settles down.

[LauraleeH]

Oh believe me, I know all about "true" friends. I have 2 that I trust, only 1 of those I trust almost completely. The rest are just friends, or better yet, acquaintances.

Belle thinks I should just send Ariel a wedding gift and tell her I won't be going to the wedding. However, I don't have a job and money is tight. I know I will never see her again after she moves. I don't even know if I will see her before the wedding. I keep telling her I need to give her a book back that she let me borrow, but she doesn't even seem interested in getting it back. I'm just having a hard time justifying the time, effort, and money on a gift for someone who uses me. I know, that's selfish, but I don't know what to do.
Also, I know if I say no to the wedding, she is going to throw a HUGE fit...

[NotaGeek]

Oh believe me, I know all about "true" friends. I have 2 that I trust, only 1 of those I trust almost completely. The rest are just friends, or better yet, acquaintances.

Belle thinks I should just send Ariel a wedding gift and tell her I won't be going to the wedding. However, I don't have a job and money is tight. I know I will never see her again after she moves. I don't even know if I will see her before the wedding. I keep telling her I need to give her a book back that she let me borrow, but she doesn't even seem interested in getting it back. I'm just having a hard time justifying the time, effort, and money on a gift for someone who uses me. I know, that's selfish, but I don't know what to do.
Also, I know if I say no to the wedding, she is going to throw a HUGE fit...
It sounds like to me you have decided what you want to do ... are you wanting to be talked out of it or to have us just say you are making the right decision? Follow your gut ... and if you will never see her again, it seems that you are stressing yourself out for no reason.

[murphy1]

I'm with Sherri. I think weddings and babies can be game changers in friend relationships. Sometimes you need to be away from people for them to appreciate you, too. I have had this happen in my own life. I got a chuckle out of the Disney names

[SBETigg]

Well, I said lovely gift. If you're invited, a gift is technically still in order. I would still send something lovely, but maybe something cheap and lovely. :blush: I wouldn't break the bank for her.

[murphy1]

I also never get the "you can come to the wedding but not the reception" idea. I would have felt really bad to this day not letting people come to both, but I guess to each their own. I wanted to ask, are you in Tampa area? I thought I saw that before, and do you do photography there? I'm looking for a good beach photo session, PM me if you have a website.

[SBETigg]

I also never get the "you can come to the wedding but not the reception" idea. I would have felt really bad to this day not letting people come to both, but I guess to each their own. I wanted to ask, are you in Tampa area? I thought I saw that before, and do you do photography there? I'm looking for a good beach photo session, PM me if you have a website.

Agreed. That approach seems pretty rude. It's like saying "You can come to the wedding, but I don't care enough about you to treat you as a guest as I should. Oh yeah, and give me presents."

[princessgirls]

Oh my...such drama. Good luck.
I wouldn't go to the wedding. This friend is not worthy of your friendship. Sorry it has to be so hard.

Julie:mickey:

[NewDVCowner]

Why don't you wrap the book that she loaned you up in really pretty paper and send that to her as her wedding gift. :thedolls:

[Joannelet]

When people get married you see the true colors come out during the process :) I have to say if she's treating you this way now...its not going to get better. This is really who she is and what she thinks of your friendship.
Yes money is tight for everyone but if its your TRUE friend and someone that really really wants you to be there for their day then they would be handling this very differently.
Kindly decline to the wedding. Also, I think depending on how close you are to a person if you are not going to attend the wedding a gift is not necessary to be given. Plus the fact that she most likely isn't going to talk to you much after she is married.....
GIfts are given to people that you love and want to do something special for. It should not be expected that everyone that gets an invite should send a gift when they decline to attend.

[thrillme]

Despite what others have said. I've been in this position before. If you are NOT in the wedding...personnally I'd decline the invitation and I wouldn't bother with a gift (when and IF you get it...don't be so sure). I got a little tired with one of my friends who had "multiple" bridal showers, then a bachelorette party and then the wedding. She was a very good friend and I admit I stopped. I bought her a nice gift for the shower and a nice gift for the bachelorette (I was IN the wedding)...and I quit. It was getting ridiculous. She gave me a list of all the places she wanted me to be (since I was a bridesmaid). I flipped. Told her there was no way I could afford 4 bridal showers and a bachelorette party...(her mother was right there too)...I told her I would be there for her but I was only going to participate financially in ONE shower and I would contribute to the bachelorette party. DONE! Her own mother backed me up on this.

Now for others where I'm not in the wedding...honestly...I truly feel they are most likely inviting those people who are most likely to give them the gifts they want off the their registery. "Bridezilla" comes to mind.

I would honestly consider just NOT attending (hey it's one less person to worry about right???). I would NOT send a gift UNLESS she is a "quality" friend (do you think she'll be speaking to you when she doesn't need you anymore).

If you choose to attend one of her most likely MULTIPLE bridal shower...maybe a $25 gift certificate to where ever she's registered (one gift...technically you should not be giving another gift if you attend a shower). IF she sends out an invitation with a response card...check the not attending block and send it in...towards that time she's really not going to be paying attention to who's there and who's not.

You are not obligated to go to every wedding just because you're invited. Being who I am I would be happy to listen to their ups and down to be polite...but when the sun goes down...I'll stay home and watch TV.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

She sounds like a very self centered person to me. I'm with the majority here, I woudn't go to the wedding and IF I sent a gift, it would be a token gift at best. If you do stay in contact afterwards and she asks what happened, turn it back on her and say "you tell me"?

[MNNHFLTX]

If you don't go to the wedding a gift is not necessary. And after reading through your post, all I can say is, why tie yourself up in knots about this? It has all been handled very poorly by the bride and if it were me, I would cut and run and avoid all the drama. After all, it sounds like that is what Ariel is planning to do after the wedding.

[pink]

If you feel uncomfortable about it then skip it. Maybe her getting married will show you how valuable your friendship (as well as her friendship with your other friend) really is to her. As for her not talking to you as much, maybe you could chalk that up to her being busy planning the wedding. I hope everything works out for you.

[LauraleeH]

I got a chuckle out of the Disney names
I was hoping someone would! *Belle* should actually be *Aurora* but I thought it would be too confusing with *Ariel* :blush:

Agreed. That approach seems pretty rude. It's like saying "You can come to the wedding, but I don't care enough about you to treat you as a guest as I should. Oh yeah, and give me presents."
Well, she said she wanted to add a wii on her Target registry because "You never know, someone might actually get it for us!" so I'm pretty sure I was only invited because she knows that when it comes to gifts, I tend to go overboard. I have to limit myself at Christmas because I always do twice as much as I say I will.

Why don't you wrap the book that she loaned you up in really pretty paper and send that to her as her wedding gift. :thedolls:
My mom said the same thing! :thumbsup:

You are not obligated to go to every wedding just because you're invited. Being who I am I would be happy to listen to their ups and down to be polite...but when the sun goes down...I'll stay home and watch TV.
That's exactly who I am too!


Well, she FINALLY spoke to me (She sent out save the dates so I assume she was wondering if I had received it) but it was very short and she only talked about herself and her issues, which is fine, but I was a little mad because she hasn't talked to me in over a month, and she never even acknowledged my birthday, but whatever. We had talked about seeing Shutter Island together since last November, and then she posted on her Facebook how much she liked it. Guess she went without me, huh? I talked to Belle and she is still very hurt about being the only one not invited in our group, so I think I'm going to decline the wedding and possibly plan a day trip to go to Disney with Belle instead.
As for the gift, as of right now, she isn't getting one. I'd like to say that if our friendship changes to where she wants to be "good" again, I would send her one...yet I know if that happens it's ONLY for her benefit. I have quite a few "friends" that always seem to want to hang out more often around their birthdays and Christmas.
I'm just upset about the whole thing because before she got engaged, she was going through a very hard time with some issues and waiting for her boyfriend to propose, and I was there for her and we really bonded and she told me she was so thankful I was there for her and that I was her best friend and blah blah blah. I feel like I've been slapped in the face.
Anyways, thank you all for your replies and suggestions. I do appreciate all of them and consider everything you have all said!

[thrillme]

Maybe she's a candidate for the next episode of "Bridezillas" :thedolls:

IF those gals in the show were anything like what they were during the wedding planning I can't figure WHY the guys married them...

Alas...the show just doesn't make sense. How they had a camera crew following them around. It has to be staged.

[crazypoohbear]

Skip the wedding, don't send a gift and don't call her. It truly doesn't sound like you are friends, more like you are holding onto something that was in the past.
Ask yourself, if you met her today would you want to pursue a friendship?
Life is short, make yourself happy