Graduate school and Family?

[Dulcee]

I need somewhere to talk this out with an impartial audience and find out if I'm crazy. You guys always seem to help.

I'm 23 and I'm in the process of interviewing for competative graduate school programs in the sciences for a pHD. I'm very close to acceptance for one. These programs are at minimum at 4 year and more realistically a 5 - 6+ year commitment.

My DBF of 4 years has already said he'll go with me if I get into the program that is actively looking at me. (DBF is a cop and fortuantly for me can move his career location relatively easily) And we've recently begun talking about getting engaged. So now the wheels have started turning if I go to grad school can I do it all? Has anyone out there gone through grad school and had kids while doing it? We want a family one day and I don't want to wait until I'm 35 and have my degree and a job teaching to start.

As much as I can't consider not having kids one day I can seem to wrap my mind around not going back to school. Is it insane to think I can do them both?

[Strmchsr]

Yes, you can absolutely do it. I did my doctorate while married with 1 young son. Granted, I didn't have to birth the baby and be the mom, but still we all recognized the sacrifices that needed to be made and we did it.

I guess the biggest question for you is are you willing to sacrifice the time away from your future children for this degree? Yes, it can be done, but when baby is crying for you or your husband has to work the late shift and you've got a paper due, how will you handle that? We handled it by me being extremely organized and planned out. I didn't let anything wait until the last second so that I had time for family and school. It's tough, it's stressful, but it can be done.

[Reedy Creek Buccaneer]

You can do it! Talk about it with your boyfriend. Discuss everything! Will it all go smooth?
Probably not, but you both will be on the same page going forward.

Good Luck!!!

[disney obsessed]

Your 23......go to school. There is plenty of time to have children and figure out how to negotiate your work and family life. I did a masters program and cannot imagine doing it while pregnant or with the demands of small children. But that is me. I have a short attention span and tend to procrastinate. Being aware of my short comings, and my strengths, has been a great advantage when making important choices in my life.

When you are accepted, go and find out what it is like for you before making these other major decisions. You may find the actual process of graduate school to be completely differant from what you expect it to be. (For that matter, so can being married with children.);)

Good luck!

[BigRedDad]

This is only my $0.02. If you finish your doctorate before kids, you will have a lot less stress. I didn't have my daughter until I was 35. This is truly a decision you and DBF need to have. If you have a child while in the program, who can take off if it is necessary? Being a cop, he will have some awkward schedules. Will you have the ability to take a day or two off school? What happens if the infant gets the flu? Can you take a week off?

[Scar]

23 + 6 = 29 not 35. Go to school (and take a math course. ;))

[Dulcee]

23 + 6 = 29 not 35. Go to school (and take a math course. ;))

lol, I promise I'm good at math.

I was thinking more along the lines in that after finishing grad school you pick up a post doc position somewhere that takes another 2 -3 years and then if your lucky find a teaching position somewhere that has a tenure track open.

[MNNHFLTX]

I would say go finish school first. It will probably be easier to start a family once you are pursuing or have secured a post-doctoral position. And I have a couple of friends who have teaching positions (albeit not yet tenured) at local universities and are also raising kids.

What an exciting time this is for you, and how wonderful that your boyfriend is so supportive. :thumbsup:

[citizensnoopy]

Go for it. Several of my classmates had babies during med school and even residency. It's not easy, but it's definitely doable. Also, it will be harder to go back to school after taking a few years off!

[DisneyOtaku]

Graduate students having families is very common in my program. Is it alot of work? Yes. But it can be done. :mickey:

[Ian]

FWIW my cousin and his fiancee are getting married in October and he's in a very demanding PhD program for economics. It can be done. I went to school full time while married, raising a baby, and working full time. Granted it wasn't grad school, but still ... it can be done.

That being said, my personal opinion (and it's just that ... my opinion ... everyone's different!) is that you should try and finish the majority of grad school before thinking about children.

[wdwfansince75]

Life tends to happen while you are making plans....DDIL#1 worked on her masters, and later, her national certs, while teaching and raising her kids. DS#1 and DW helped with the kid load, but she is a very hands on mom (and teacher).
When I got to grad school, we had DS#1 and DD#1. DD#2 was born while we were there. (Naval Post Grad School, Monterey, CA....as if the kids weren't emough of a distraction!).
The true secret of life is to recover from all the events you didn't plan....Most of our surprises turned into blessings.
Be bold...

[Genie1953]

Yes you absolutely can do it. Our daughter had her first child, a son, just before she turned 19...had her second child, a daughter, two years later. She worked full time and earned two associate degrees from the local community college (business and accounting). She then went on to get her bachelor's degree in accounting and then about 4 years ago she got her MBA.....graduating with a 4.0 GPA (Magna Cum Laude). She is now working on her masters in adult education. We are very proud of her. I might add that she went through a very bad marriage and ended her marriage when her youngest child was about 4 years old so her accomplishments are even more impressive as she did not have the support of a husband. She remarried 3 months before she got her MBA....but it still isn't easy for her...she still works full time and her husband is in the military and has been deployed 3 times since they married so she is still going it alone much of the time. So yes you can do it....won't be easy but it can be done and with the support of a husband to help out it will be easier for you.

[magicofdisney]

Do it NOW, while you're young.

My husband was working full time, in school full time for his MBA, teaching classes 2 nights a week at the local community college, and we had 3 children under age 5. I felt like a single mom. But he was YOUNG, so he could handle it. If he had to do that now...well, let's just say he couldn't (or maybe I wouldn't let him). :)

[Julie_Mouse]

I'm 23 and I'm in the process of interviewing for competative graduate school programs in the sciences for a pHD. I'm very close to acceptance for one. These programs are at minimum at 4 year and more realistically a 5 - 6+ year commitment.

My DBF of 4 years has already said he'll go with me if I get into the program that is actively looking at me. (

Wow, the similarities between us are uncanny! I'm 22, and in the process of interviewing for a bunch of competitive PhD programs (in clinical psychology) :) ...Also with a BF of 4 years!

Anyway, this is definitely a dilemma that I have given some thought to as well, and a mentor from one the labs I work in gave me some advice that really resonated with me: she said to never "not do" something that you really want to, simply because you're in grad school, and you think you're too busy. That said, obviously your decision will be affected by a number of situational factors, but if you really want to have children during those years of your life while you're completing your PhD, then I don't think being in grad school should stop you :)

However, I myself take comfort in the fact that the average age at which women have their first child has increased dramatically over the past 2 decades - it's not uncommon for a woman to have her first child between the ages of 35-40 years of age now. Granted, the safety and feasibility of this depends on a number of situational factors as well, but it's possible, and it's happening.

So, for now, I say worry about your interviews, and give more thought to this after you get your acceptance! Best of luck!

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

Can you do it? YES! Should you do it? That's up to you!

For me, I had my daughter part-way through my undergrad, finished it while she was little (and in the middle of it I got married to DH). I'm now doing my masters, and although it can be busy and crazy around my house, it is totally doable, and totally worth it.

Yes, you can have it all, you need to plan and organize, but you can have family, education and job.

Don't rush things though, take it as it comes, but don't wait for something you really want.

[Dulcee]

Thanks all! While I'm certainly not in a rush to have kids I guess I just want to make sure all of my "plans" for what I want eventually could work out if they do end up on top of each other.

And,

I just got back from my top choice program where my interview went amazingly well and things look really really good! In talking to my potential advisor she mentioned that she had loaned a high end microscope to a current PhD student to take home so she could finish her disseration research while caring for an 8 month old. Made me feel like I was walking into a lab where at least my advisor would be understanding about circumstances outside of the lab. DBF and I are both a little nervous about the possible move (we'd be heading 9 hours south of where we currently live) but we're both excited about starting somewhere new.

Thanks again for the support!

[magicofdisney]

...(we'd be heading 9 hours south of where we currently live)...
And that just puts you 9hrs closer to Disney. ;)

[Cinderelley]

Never let work interfere with those who are most important to you. When the good/bad things happen, it isn't work that will be with you. When you are at the end of your life, what will you look back on and think is most important? Most of my patients in the ER talk about their family. Some talk about their friends. None of them have ever talked about their job.

[pdrlkr]

Of course you can! I started medical school at age 31 with a wife and two kids, ages 6 and 3. My wife and I both had to quit our jobs and live on student loans for the most part (I was able to work on breaks as an X-ray Tech). It took us 11 years including Residency and that's not counting 3 years of college before medical school. We didn't put anything on hold, as you can see by my signature. We lived our life the best we could and it has paid off in the end. Also I think my kids appreciate things more seeing the hard work it has taken to get to this point. Just remember, You can do anything you want, if you want it bad enough. :thumbsup: