I have a problem, HELP! [Archive]

Bri

01-26-2009, 11:02 AM

Ok I wanted to write on here because I know I will get a truly unbiased response. Here is my problem.

I got engaged in July to an awesome man. He is really great and treats me amazing and everyone loves him.

He is originally from California, I'm from Pennsylvania. He's been living back here in Pennsylvania for about 5 years, mostly because of me but also because he plays arena football back here. He has also spent a lot of time here growing up. His dad was born and raised in my area and didn't move to California until after he graduated college. So my fiance spent a lot of summers and every christmas back here. He has family here as well, aunts, uncles, cousins, not to mention teammates that he is close too. So let me make it clear that it's not like he came here, just for me, knowing no one. He has people here too.

Here is my problem, right around Christmas he told me he hates it here and he's depressed and he wants to move to somewhere sunny and warm all year. This absolutly devestated me, the first thing I did was cry and say "I don't want to leave everyone". First he wanted to move back to California. When I pointed out that it's too expensive to live by the beach (where he grew up) he stopped singing that tune. Then he mentioned Maryland, or Jersey, or Delaware. All of which I would be ok with because it's still close to home (driving distance). Now he's on a Florida kick, Tampa specifically. He's never been there, I've been to St. Pete. It's a great area with lots to do but it's VERY far from everyone here.

I will say that he hasn't been himself and I know he's not happy here. At the same time, there is not one ounce of me that wants to move. Of course the cold weather is disgusting, no one likes to be in 10 degree weather all winter. But we both have family and friends here and I just got a new job in November that I really like. He's thinking about going back to school for x ray in September. In my opinion, this area would be the best place to do it. He wouldn't be able to work cause the classes are like a full time job. I live with my dad still and he lives with his grandmother so going back to school and not having to pay rent or bills is a HUGE plus in my book. I can still work at my job that I really like and save money for the future.

Let me further explain why I don't want to move. Not only am I very close to my friends and family but I am terrified of living somewhere else when I start to have babies. What happens when I get pregnant and my body is going through all kinds of crazy changes and I don't have my mom or dad or friends or family there to support me. Yes I can call them on the phone but it's not the same. Also, what about when we start raising kids, they won't be around any of their family, except for holidays. Speaking of holidays, who watches our dog when we got out of town for Christmas or on vacation?

I have a few theories about why he wants to move.
1. Football didn't work out for him the way he wanted to. He's very good but he's a kicker and kickers last forever so it's been hard for him to move up.
2. He doesn't have a great paying job and he's trying to figure out what to do with himself career wise. I am a planner and will not move anywhere if we don't have jobs waiting for us. He thinks it's ok to just go and we will figure it out. I think he thinks that if we move he will all of a sudden have new clarity as to what he wants to do in life.

I don't know what I'm looking for from anyone who reads this. I guess just an honest opinion. Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? If you haven't been in this situation, what would you do if you were? Please help!

Marker

01-26-2009, 11:12 AM

I got engaged in July to an awesome man. He is really great and treats me amazing and everyone loves him.

Not that I know anything, but you asked, so I'll throw my 2 cents in. Just my opinion though.

The first thing I noticed in your messages, was you said he was awesome, you said he treats you amaing, and you sayd everyone loves him.... but you didn't say that you love him. I'm not saying you don't, because obviously I don't know. But you didn't say it either.

Fear of the unknown is always difficult, and moving away from home is seldom easy. But, if you're going with someone you truly love, it's not as difficult. If you have each other, then no matter where you go you won't be alone.

Ian

01-26-2009, 11:31 AM

Very tough choice ... and one with which I have some experience, because I'm always pressuring DW to move down to Florida and she says the same things you do.

Don't want to move because of the family, kids, etc. And as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. Especially when you have kids, moving away from family is a big deal.

Although my case is always that Orlando is a 2 hour flight from Philly, so it's not that big a deal to come home even for just a weekend.

Anyway, you need to have a heart-to-heart with him and sort this all out. As much as I get why you'd ask for feedback, really the only two people who can work this out are you and he.

One thing I would like to point out, though ... the arena football league shut down? Did you know that? He probably can't play anymore, regardless of how good he is.

RenDuran

01-26-2009, 11:39 AM

It sounds like he has more on his mind than where he's living. He's wondering about careers and possibly going back to school. He still lives with his grandmother. Football didn't work out the way he was hoping and he's even admitted he's depressed!

Maybe he just isn't ready for a true commitment yet. It sounds like he needs to figure out a few things before you two settle down to spend your lives together.

Stitchahula

01-26-2009, 12:01 PM

It sounds like he could be depressed. Maybe he is hoping that his luck will change with a change of location. He might need to talk to someone if he really is depressed. The idea of moving and not having anything set up isn't a very good. Unless you have considerable savings it's not something I would suggest. With the way the economy is right now moving to some place and hoping to find a job right away just isn't going to happen. That being said I can also understand wanting to move somewhere warm. Good luck.

offwego

01-26-2009, 12:10 PM

well I'm going to comment on what happens if you do move..which we have twice.
We moved a 5 hour drive from family (each way it's a little far just to have lunch) and now live a 3.5 hour drive from my family and 4 from my inlaws (while being a 9 hour drive from where we were).

Each time was for a job for me while DH had to look for a job in each location (not a simple thing in your thirties in manufacturing in smallish communities)
Did we argue over this? Yes sometimes.
Did we end up in a better place for it? Yes we did.
Did it take a lot of faith on his part? Yes I know that it did, and he's often had to show more faith in me as I've changed jobs since then as well.

We have one son (now 13 then 6 when we first moved) and yes the dog issue as well.

One thing I do know is that my husband supports me even when the path doesn't have all the road signs clearly marked.

I also know that some of this came from his own parents who choose to move to Canada from England in the 1960's with three young children and had another once they moved.

If your not committed to each other and not just each other if you live in such and such a place your going to need to consider how this will work if circumstances do force your hand.

Bri

01-26-2009, 12:19 PM

Thanks for the responses guys! Keep them coming.

Marker - I do love him very much. That's why this is so difficult, if I didn't love him I would just say "here's the ring back, see you later". But at this point in time there are some things that are making me uneasy. He doesn't have a good job and I don't see a desire in him to really want to take care of me and our future family. He's talking about going back to school but will he when it actually comes time to do it and go through the admissions process, i don't know. I am a very hard worker, I have a 9-5 and I waitress a few nights a week too. I wonder if he looks at me working so hard and thinks he doesn't need to take care of me cause I have it under control. The second thing making me uneasy is that HE wants to move, not me. I would move for him, but my question to him is "what if things don't work out for me down there and I feel the way you do up here, then what are you gonna do for me" and he says "well i guess i will move up here and be depressed again" so i feel like i have to make all the sacrafices just so he's not depressed or i will feel guilty that he's not happy where he is.

Ian - do you want to move to be closer to disney and nice warm florida weather or do you want to move cause you are truly depressed where you are? i think it's 2 different things and my fiance is the latter. it seems there is no talking to him about this. he says he will stay and be depressed, but that makes me feel horrible. i see the big picture with kids and having free babysitters and family that you can count on and trust with your kids. he doesn't see that. but also he didn't grow up around all his family cause he was in cali, i grew up spending a lot of time with my family and i know how much easier that was on my parents to have all those extra people around. also, as far as arena football is concerned, he plays arena 2. he plays for the wilkes-barre/scranton pioneers, not too far from you. i know arena 1 is in shambles and that's my other thing, why play this year for hardly any money knowing that arena 1 probably won't be back, there is no where to move up to. i'm sure he needs to say a proper goodbye to the sport he loves and this is his way of doing it, so be it. i know we have to have a heart to heart but i feel like it gets nowhere when we do and he just shuts down. we are going to go talk to our pastor, we have to do the standard pre marital counceling anyway. he is getting is doctorate in physchology and i'm hoping that my fiance will be more receptive to what another man is saying, who is saying it in a different way than i am.

renduran - i know he's in a tough spot right now and i'm really doing everything i can to help him out. we have been together for 5 years and we will be engaged for 2 years by the time we get married. i would like to point out that he started this marriage ball rolling when he proposed, i didn't propose to him. but he's almost 30 and whether we are getting married or not, he needs to get his life in order anyway.

thanks so much for responding guys, i really appreciate it!

SBETigg

01-26-2009, 12:32 PM

Has this been coming on a while or just lately? I ask because "winter blues" tend to strike at this time of year, and it can be a brutal depression and not just a mild "blues" at all. You might want to look into that. It's possible that if he treats his depression, he will feel better. He's looking at moving as the answer, but that may not solve anything at all. Of course you're right to be worried.

If it is more than just a seasonal disorder or depression and he really wants to move, I think you might need to give it a shot. This may just come back in your relationship over time, even if you convince him to stay put for now. And it's much harder to move once you add kids to the relationship. I think it's really good for a couple to try getting away from friends and family and be on their own for a while.

I've lived in Western MA most of my life and I didn't see me moving, but my husband got a great job offer and we ended up in MI. It was one of the best things that happened to us to go it alone without the familiar support of hometown friends and family. We learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and the world around us. Yes, it was a little scary, and ultimately we both hated the location and moved back once a new job offer was in place. This meant uprooting kids out of schools twice, not easy, but it was worth it. We found new support, new friends, and a new sense of self-reliance. It might be just what the fiance really needs, and it might be good for you, too.

But take your time. Perhaps agree to consider moving, but with conditions in place that suit your needs. Don't move without thoroughly researching the new area, taking a trip to make sure it's comfortable for you there (things are never what they seem online or in pictures), and finding new employment and a place to live in advance. These things can all take time and perhaps in the meantime, he'll decide that he doesn't want to move after all.

Tink1

01-26-2009, 12:53 PM

Seeing that your from West Wyoming (and I am about an hour north of you) I can understand the fact that there is not a lot of career opportunities in this area at the present time.

My son graduates college in May, and I knew long ago that he would not stay in this area. While my parents and my sisters are of the "born, raised and buried" here, my children will not be.

If he is looking for Radiology, Johnson College has an excellent program if he can get into it. It is highly competitive.

Personally, I would love to move as well. Delaware would be a great place, close but not too close. Will enver happen though.

Marriage is about compromise, and it is never 50/50. Usually it is 60/40 70/30, 90/10, etc. Each giving and taking on certain issues.

You just have to figure out what works and in the long run what is most important.

Nanc

Bri

01-26-2009, 12:54 PM

I knew I was right to post on here, you guys are great!

One thing I'm noticing is that everyone who says that they have moved have done so because they had a job offer. This is not our case. He doesn't even know what he wants to do with his life. I don't have a problem that he doesn't know what he wants to do cause honestly I don't think a lot of us know what we want to do. But I can't, with a clear head, move just because he's cold. I do agree that he probably has the winter blues but I don't know how to get him to see that. The first time he mentioned wanting to move was around Christmas this year. He has mentioned before how cold it is and wanting to go somewhere warmer, but it's never gone this far or been this serious. He never talks about wanting to move between April and Christmas.

I don't want to sound like I think I'm right in this case, but I feel like he's acting very emotionally and irrationally and I'm acting very rationally and I have some legit concerns about jobs, money, security, etc. He's never had much financial responsibility, he lived at home during college and didn't have bills and now he lives with his gram. Yes I live at home too but I pay for my credit card bills, school bill, health bill, gas, food, car loan and insurance, etc. Even in college, my parents paid my rent but I paid my bills. I just don't think he really understands how much it costs to just live and pay the bills and eat. I try to explain to it to him but until he sees it I don't think he will get it. I hate to bash him, he really is an amazing guy, I just feel I can't get through to him right now.

Pirate Granny

01-26-2009, 01:15 PM

Many years ago, my hubby decided to throw his hat into the ring for a promotion 10 hour drive north...he said he just wanted to test the water...yep, you guessed it, he got the promotion and we moved...it was very tough at first...no friends or relatives and two small children...but we were stronger for it...and my parents, although hated the fact that their only grandchildren were so far away...when they did come to visit it was two weeks at a time, and they actually got to know their granddaughters better...they lived with us, not just seeing the kids for Sunday night dinners...my dad would walk them to school, take them to the parks and watch their ringette games...yep, life was great...lonely at times, and we traded off holidays, but it was a great experience for everyone...the dog was taken in by the neighbors who had just lost their dog...Our dog was a great replacement, one that they could spoil and send home...she was even featured on their Xmas card under the tree one year...things have a way of working out. And Florida...most friends and family will start to visit once the weather is cold back home, so you will have company.

I would suggest that one of you having a job before you move...at least that will bring some stability to move...has he checked out schools in Florida? Can you easily move positions in a similar job? Worse case scenario the dog can go to the Kennel, expensive, but still a good option.

Good luck and God Bless.
:pirate:

thrillme

01-26-2009, 01:48 PM

Moving is a difficult choice. Moving to a place because you like the weather there better just isn't always a bonus...(Florida may have great tempertures in the winter but they're SMOKIN' in the summer plus the Hurricanes are kinda rotten).

Considering it sounds like BOTH of you have family and friends you don't want to part with it sounds like it's better to stay where you are (at least for now).

I could simply be a case of "winter blues". Once things warm up...plan a few trips to interesting things around your home that you may or may not have done before. Do you "ski"? Have you tried? Take lessons if you haven't and hit the slopes. There's good things with cold weather...I get really TIRED of hot all the time.

If he still insists on moving without a GOOD paying solid job then perhaps he's not quite ready to commit. I know that's hard to hear but for a guy to want run off and seek his fortune in sunny "never never land" without something solid to fall on he just may not be ready. Football doesn't last forever...only a few really make a real career out of it and then...anything can happen.

He may be a wonderful guy but it may not be the right time for the two of you. Family can be a very important thing to be close to when raising your children...then again some families you want to put a little distance between.

I can see perhaps leaving for a career or even "health"...but just because of weather.

You will be the one making a LOT of sacrifices to please him what will he offer you in return? There's more to a relationship than just loving someone. Money and security may not be everything but...it sure does make things nice when you're guaranteed food on the table, a roof over your head and a shoulder to cry on.

NotaGeek

01-26-2009, 02:04 PM

It seems to me that the time to move is before you get married, have a family and tons of responsibility. If you fiance really wants to move, I doubt your talking him into staying, albeit for good reasoning or not will change the way he feels -- he might stay in order to keep you in his life, but what happens in 5 years?

The unfortunate part of being in a relationship is being willing to take a chance. If you had the opportunity to get better jobs (then you wouldn't need to waitress at night to bring in extra income) then it makes sense to me to go for it. If you aren't comfortable with the decisions he wants to make and feel he isn't taking your feelings into considerations, the fact that he's a "good guy" doesn't seem to matter so much. The give and take in relationships has to go both ways -- and taking a chance and making a move is HUGE.

Bri

01-26-2009, 02:28 PM

that's what i keep asking him, thrillme. how is he gonna take care of me when i'm pregnant and can't work or right after i have a kid or if i get sick. what kind of job is he gonna have to pay the bills if i have to be out of work for a bit. the same goes for me, what kind of job will i have to support him if he gets sick.

as far as getting a better paying job so i don't have the waitress, that's not why i waitress. i have a good paying job. i waitiress because i love the extra money and with that extra money i can make double car payments without having to take one penny out of my regular paycheck to put towards my car or insurance payments. i will have my new car paid off in 2 years instead of 5 due to my waitressing money, that's why i waitress.

i am willing to move for him, and either he will be happy or he will see that's not what the problem is. my point is, he wants to move yesterday and i'm not going anywhere right now for a number of reason.
1. i'm not going anywhere before i get married. i'm not planning a wedding from florida that's going to happen here.
2. he needs to chose a career that pays well and find a job in florida before we move. i know that i can get an admin assistant job if we move and i can keep that job until i find something better. or maybe i will like that job just fine and keep it, who knows.
3. i just got this job and i really like it and i think it would be smart to stay at it and get more experience that i can take somewhere else. also i can build up a higher salary the longer i stay and hopefully that could be my starting salary at my next job.

as far as him not being ready, i don't know if that's it. or is it that he really is depressed and just can't see clearly right now and has his mind on the only thing he thinks will fix it. i've been depressed before too and i know how that feels. looking back on it i wouldn't listen to anybody because i thought i knew what was best. i just wasn't in a serious relationship at that time so it didn't effect someone else like his situation is effecting me.

if he doesn't want to get married and regrets proposing that's something i will have to deal with. but he needs to step up to the plate and tell me the truth. i honestly don't think he realized what kind of responsibilities come with getting married, not only financial responsibilities but relationship responsibilities too. it's not just about him anymore and maybe he's really realizing that now. not that he was ever selfish, but he never had to look at the prospect of supporting someone other than himself.

murphy1

01-26-2009, 04:09 PM

Hey Bri, I am from St. Pete and dated an arena player way back when! Anyway, before you even think about kids, marriage, anything, think about what YOU really want. I live in Atlanta now, I do like it here, but can relate to your bf's situation about the sunny thing, nowhere else is like California or Florida, so it's a bit tough for us. My dh and I met in St. Pete, but we really had to leave for job reasons for BOTH of us, I was ready to leave too, but if I go back, I want to move to Central Florida, I don't have to be right on the beach. Florida is one of the worst places to be in bad economic times, that's why there are so many people who are retired or who wait tables or work in service industry. Also, I left Florida, I knew I'd be fine with kids and we have three girls, but life threw me a curve ball and I have been through two bad thyroid removal surgeries and an autoimmune disease, point being you don't know what life will throw at you. Also, people here where I live are super conservative, I wasn't used to that, that is a cultural difference, and by that I mean I got insulted for having a stupid Obama sticker on my car. Anyway, think about what YOU want and sometimes you will have to compromise or he will. I will say that leaving an area can make you see what you're made of. I am proud of who I am ( I was a nanny in school sometimes and always babysat kids) and see that I will be able to take care of my family no matter what happens ever, but am happy to have a supportive partner.

PS after I reread all of this, I feel like that Jimmy Buffett song "A Pirate Looks at 40!

BrerGnat

01-26-2009, 06:45 PM

Bri, I have to ask you, why are you so afraid to leave your hometown? I know your whole family is there, but I think some of your reasons for NEVER wanting to leave are a bit irrational. I know you keep saying that you would move to support your fiance, but it really, really sounds like you don't want to. Sometimes, you just have to cut the cord, you know? I don't mean to sound harsh, but you both sound a bit co-dependent and I think it would be good for you as a COUPLE to move away and see what LIFE is about, and what it takes to make it. It's about taking that leap of faith, you know? Going out on your own is very important, and it just pains me to see people who are so scared to leave "home".

I don't really advocate doing this unless your fiance is in a good state of mind, though, so I'd highly suggest he see a psychologist. I would go so far as to demand it, if I were you, or call off the engagement. Seriously. You don't want to get married to someone who has a serious case of depression who is NOT WILLING to seek help. That is just a disaster waiting to happen, and you don't deserve that. Your fiance needs to grow up and take responsibility for his health and well being, and if he truly feels depressed, he needs to be man enough to seek help for it, if he really loves you and wants your relationship to NOT SUFFER because of it. There are treatments that can help him feel better, that will not require uprooting the both of you and moving across the country.

With that said, I have to tell you, I married a military man when I was fairly young (22 years old). Immediately, we were stationed in Southern California, and we were away from our families. Our closest relative was my sister, 2 hours away by car, and my parents lived over 7 hours away by car, and HIS parents lived in North Carolina. We were, essentially, on our own, in a new town, and we knew NO ONE. It was actually great. It was nice to be able to start our own lives, without everyone trying to tell us what to do, how to do it, etc. I found a job rather quickly and we did just fine, met people, etc. Being in the military, we move a lot. I got pregnant the third year, and we had to move, luckily, not very far, just 45 min north. I've since had 2 kids, and our families have NEVER been close by. My parents got divorced and my dad moved down to L.A., and my mom moved back in with him a year later (won't get into that drama) but they still live 90 min away, and only come over every 2-3 weeks or so. We don't have any family "down the street". My sister is our "babysitter", but she lives 45 min away, so she only comes every once in awhile, for a special date night or something. Of our two kids, one has autism, so our life is not easy. I had to quit work to be a SAHM because of him, but it has all worked out. We found a way to do it. You make a way, is what I'm saying. My husband spent almost ALL of last year deployed to Iraq, so I was essentially alone with the two kids (they are 4 and 2 years old) and guess what? I made it! It was hard, but it made me so much stronger. All I'm saying is, take a chance. Don't be so afraid to leave home. There could be a GREAT life out there waiting for you, but you will never find it if you never leave.

Good luck. I hope your fiance finds the help he needs and I wish you two the best for your future.

pink

01-26-2009, 07:29 PM

If it's your fiances job that is really bothering him, it's not wise to just pack up and move somewhere else in hopes of finding a better job. If you have a better job secured somewhere else then that's another story.

I think you should put off moving anywhere until you feel comfortable with the idea and he is done with the schooling he wants to do, as your said, it makes me sense to stay where you are right now.

As for having baby's when you're alone, that is a tough one but it's not like you're going to be a loner if you move somewhere new. You would meet new friends who would be willing to help you out.

When I was young we moved from NY to Colorado for my dads job. It was tough on my mom with a newborn and she had to fly my grandmother back and forth to help her out. However, living in a completely different place for part of my childhood was such a great experience. It was a great experience for my parents too, there isn't one day we don't go by without talking about something that happened there. I understand your concerns for moving but don't be afraid of change, you never know, something great could happen and if you don't like it, you can always come back home.

Also, if you go away they do have kennels where they can watch your dogs. :mickey:

LauraleeH

01-26-2009, 07:50 PM

I live in St. Pete and I can tell you, unless your fiance wants to work in a school or a hospital, there's not a job here for him. I am struggling to find a part-time job just at a restaurant or clothing store, and there are very limited career choices available.
Side note: I would not want to raise my children here.

You said he hasn't been acting like himself. Maybe he really does need help. If that's the case, make sure he gets it BEFORE you walk down the aisle.
But, if he isn't seriously depressed, and he's just acting out, it's time for you two to sit down and have a "grown-up" talk. If he's not mature enough to talk things out, he's not mature enough to commit to a marriage.

crazypoohbear

01-26-2009, 07:51 PM

I would make the offer to him that you would be willing to discuss moving if he could show you that he has a savings that would support you both and pay 1st, last and security while you look for jobs.
He seems to be under the misguided notion that a change of scenery will change his depression. It won't, he needs to deal with it before leaving.
You seem like you are very resistant to moving because you "need" your family around "just in case". I have always lived within 15 minutes of my family. I have never relied on them for babysitting, or help with newborns etc. When I had my 1st kid, my dad died, there were other things going on as well. I looked at it as this is my kid, he's my responsibility. I didn't ask for help and none was offered. We all did just fine. I didn't want someone "telling" me how to raise my child and what to do. Advice was offered at times but it was my decision on whether I took it or not. But, you could get just as much advice over the phone.
So location should not be an issue. I was quite capable and did not NEED help. When I Had my second child (c-section) I told my DH one day while I was still at the hospital to just stay home and let us rest, he had worked all day, had to take care of the 5 year old and get him to bed then up for school in the morning. His mom took care of him while DH was at work but that was it. My point is you will want to do things on your own.
It also seems like neither one of you are really chomping at the bit to get married. Until you work out all the other things in your life, I would back off on the wedding plans.
You seem very level headed, competent, hard working and organized, You seem like a planner and like things organized.
Your fiance seems like he wants to just wing it through life. You need to really compromise because those two personalities don't mesh well. you could end up in Florida, with nothing but resentment towards him.
If he will not seek help for his issues, please, you should go for counseling yourself to help you make a good decision for YOU.

dnickels

01-26-2009, 07:58 PM

If the two of you are capable of handling the long distance relationship (for a little while) why not encourage him to go for it and move to Tampa or Cali or where ever he wants to go. If it's really the area that's making him depressed you should see an improvement in his mood and personality in short order. You can alternate visits for a long weekend every month or so. If he stays just to make you happy he's going to be miserable and always wonder about what could have been.

Plus it might help him realize the responsibilities of living on his own and how having a family brings even greater demands (better to have him figure that out now than after two kids and living paycheck to paycheck). I think it's good for everyone to get away from the safety net of always having family a 10 minute drive away, even if it's just for a year. There's a lot to be said for someone that is forced to solve a problem on their own rather than calling mom or dad.

PirateLover

01-26-2009, 08:10 PM

crazypoohbear, all do respect, but A lot of people DO need help, and some people who were raised in close families want their children to have that experience as well. One of my grandfathers would take my cousins and myself out almost every day of our lives before school started and in the summers- to parks, museums, the riverfront etc. They would drive us to and from school and day camp. This was because they lived within walking distance from me. I can't imagine how much time, money, and frustration that must have saved my parents, and I am all the more fortunate to have such close relationships with my relatives. My one cousin moved close to 3hrs away from her family, leaving behind a great career opportunity to follow her husband who just had to live near HIS family. Now she has 4 kids- A 6 year old, 4 year old, and 1 year old twins. She is pretty much on her own because her husband is a teacher, coaches, does stage crew etc so he's never home and his family aren't a great help. Every time I see her she is worn out and just looks bad. I have no doubt that she would be a lot happier if we were all able to pitch in and give her some relief.

To the original poster, I think you have the right frame of mind. I think he might benefit from some therapy or at least lessons in how to be happy. There is the book called "The Feeling Good Handbook" that is super cheesy but it helped me to be more of a positive thinker. When spring comes around, if he still feels the same way, maybe you could make some sort of compromise. For example, I have a friend that was recently in your exact situation. She is sooo close to her family and wants to be near them when it's time to have kids, but her fiance's job was in Michigan and he didn't want to move. They had many a fight, and then finally decided that after the wedding she would move to Michigan, but when it was time for a family he would start looking for a job closer to home.

Whatever happens I wish you the best. Love can be heart wrenching sometimes.

Mousefever

01-27-2009, 01:17 AM

First of all, you are very smart for figuring this stuff out before you get married. Right now you have fundamental differences on some major issues. I would suggest that you go to couple's therapy as well as religious counseling. Your pastor should be able to refer you to a good therapist. At the very least, you'll both learn some good communication skills.

Although I love my family, and we were very close when I was growing up and still are, I've tried to make sure that my loyalty is to my husband first. I wonder if your fiance is intimidated at all about your family's potential involvement in your marriage. Perhaps not, but it could be a factor in his wanting to move away.

I only have one other piece of advice. If you don't see things eye to eye before you get married, don't expect that things/he will change after you get married. If he is not a guy who wants to take care of you, for example, when you're pregnant, he's not going to turn into that guy after you get married. If he is passive, and allows you to dominate the decisions now, without his being on board, it will possibly harm your marriage in the long run. Remember that you are picking the father of your future children.

I wish you the best of luck in your decisions and I hope that everything turns out OK.

Amy

Bri

01-27-2009, 09:34 AM

Thanks everyone for all your responses!

we talked last night and i was very straight forward with him. yes i will move for him but not if he continues to have this attitude. i explained to him that if we move it will just be him and i and i will not have him being miserable all the time. i also explained to him that i'm not going anywhere until he has a career and a job offer waiting for him. i'm not stupid and it would be a huge mistake to just leave and hope to find a job when we get there. 11 MILLION people lost their jobs last year, what makes him think he will find a job just like that. it's not so much that i'm scared of moving, but i am scared of moving without a plan in place and i don't think i'm wrong for that.

someone said that the only jobs down there are in hospitals or schools. well the good thing is he's thinking about going back to school to be an x ray technician, the bad thing is it might be hard for me to find a job in tampa since i don't have a specilized degree in teaching or something medical related. he said he just threw tampa out there cause he knows it's warm, i said what do we do if you decide you don't like it there? then we move and he doesn't like the next place or the next, i'm not moving all around the country with him until he finds his happy place, that's something he has to find within himself.

someone suggested the long distance thing. i suggested that last night too. i said don't play football this year and go back home to cali and try to find a job and see if that makes you happy. he didn't seem to like that suggestion, i don't know if it's cause he wants to play his last season of football or if it's cause he doesn't want to leave me or if it's a combo of both. we have done the long distance thing before, for 6 months out of the first year we were together and also from january to april of last year.

the bottom line is, i don't have a problem moving but i'm not moving without a plan. but in these economic times, i don't think moving is a smart idea, at least one of us (me) has a good paying job where we are. he's not having any patience with building a plan and i can't make him. i told him that right now i don't want to marry him with the way things are and if our wedding were tomorrow i would be calling it off. he seems shaken, not that that's my goal but i'm not going to live my life like this.

i really appreciate all of your responses and some of you have actually made me excited about possibly moving and him and i being a team and discovering ourselves in a different way, away from our friends and family. i do think that could help us grow as a couple and as individuals. but he needs to have some patience and understand that big things like a move and finding new jobs (especially now) take time to get worked out.

SBETigg

01-27-2009, 10:33 AM

I think you're taking the right approach and being very wise about it. Best wishes to you both.

BrerGnat

01-27-2009, 04:36 PM

the bottom line is, i don't have a problem moving but i'm not moving without a plan. but in these economic times, i don't think moving is a smart idea, at least one of us (me) has a good paying job where we are. he's not having any patience with building a plan and i can't make him. i told him that right now i don't want to marry him with the way things are and if our wedding were tomorrow i would be calling it off. he seems shaken, not that that's my goal but i'm not going to live my life like this.

i really appreciate all of your responses and some of you have actually made me excited about possibly moving and him and i being a team and discovering ourselves in a different way, away from our friends and family. i do think that could help us grow as a couple and as individuals. but he needs to have some patience and understand that big things like a move and finding new jobs (especially now) take time to get worked out.

Good for you! I think you have a very wise attitude towards this whole thing, and as long as your fiance learns some patience, and takes some time to figure things out, you two will be fine.

In the meantime, maybe all he needs is a week vacation in a nice, warm place. :mickey:

Mousefever

01-27-2009, 07:23 PM

Good for you! I think you have a very wise attitude towards this whole thing, and as long as your fiance learns some patience, and takes some time to figure things out, you two will be fine.

In the meantime, maybe all he needs is a week vacation in a nice, warm place. :mickey:

Or a sun lamp.

sleepingbooty

01-27-2009, 09:21 PM

It sounds like you are on the right track after your discussion, but I will go ahead and put my two cents in as well.. My husband and I moved away one week after we were married from St.Louis to Nashville. We had no jobs, and not much in the way of savings. Luckily we found work, but I wouldn't recommend that approach! However, overall it was a wonderful experience. We lived there for four years, and being on our own really bonded us together as a couple. But, as soon as we had our first daughter, we both decided it was time to go home. We moved back to St.Louis, and its been wonderful raising our daughters around our extended family. But I was lucky - we both wanted the same thing. I can't imagine how awful it would have been if I'd longed to go home, but he wanted to stay in Nashville. Or, if he'd wanted to move away when we were first married and I didn't, but did it anyway. I guess my point is, I think it is super important to agree on the big issues if your life together is going to work. But - it sounds like you are figuring that out! Good luck with everything!:thumbsup: