I need advice

[Marilyn Michetti]

Here's the deal. My mother turns 83 tomorrow, and her driver's license expires at midnight.
We're not talking about that , and her car is "broken" in the driveway. I need to know what's involved if she decides on Monday to try and get her license back. I don't think she can pass the test, and she has no business behind a wheel, but it would be nice if the DMV told her that, and not us. I guess I could involve the Dr., but will I need to.

I know that someone here knows how to handle this. We just don't want her to go out and kill someone., and I don't want to use my legal power of attorney.

Any ideas:(

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I know my sis had the registry involved to prevent my mother from driving anymore. I'm sure she'll be along with the steps that she took.

[MMouse6937]

Marilyn, I would think if she can't pass the test they would deny her the license. Do you think there's any way she would pass it? What is the procedure in AZ for the elderly getting licenses? I know sometimes they have to test every year to make it a little more difficult and let them keep better control. I hope you don't have to step in, that's always so hard to tell them they can't be independant anymore. Good luck to you!

[crazypoohbear]

I feel for you. It's a tough decision to take away a parents independence, even if it is for there own good and the good of others on the road.
I don't know what the requirements are in your state for lic. renewal. Do you just have to pass an eye test or do you have to pass a road test?
I contacted the registry here in MA and told them that my mother had been diagnosed with dementia and that I had been in a car with her and she
1) got lost alot
2) forgot where she was driving
3) thought that the law had changed and you could go straight on red if no one was coming.
4) smoked and would get so distracted trying to light her cigarette that she "forgot" she was driving.
5) couldn't see well
6) I wasn't sure she could even read street signs any longer, let alone comprehend what they meant.

The registry notified her that "someone" alerted them to some issues and that for her to renew her license she would have to come in and take another road test or produce a letter from her doctor saying that she was fine to drive.
(some of her children fought to keep her on the road, these same children also took out accidental death insurance on her but that's a story for another time :mad:)

Her doctor wouldn't say that she "couldn't drive" but he also wouldn't say that she could drive. He didn't want the liability on either side :(.

Is the reason that your mom shouldn't drive
physical or cognative?
If she wants to go renew her lic. with you on monday perhaps you could tell her you are too busy and put it off a few days, then contact your local registry, express your concerns and ask them for help.
I had to write to the medical bureau of the Reg. of Motor vehcles in Boston
Sent the letter certified return reciept requested.
You could also contact your local police dept or senior center and ask if the police does a courtesy road test for elderly. IF they don't ask them if they know any place that does.
Some places do offer the seniors a "refresher" course and this is all it takes for them to realize that they aren't as quick as they thought they were.

Good luck to you. And know that you are making the right decision for everyone involved.

[daparish]

My mom actually voluntarily gave up her driver's license. When it was time for her renewal she went and had them issue her a state id card to use for identificaiton purposes. I really feel for you. I hope everything works out and you do not have to become involved. Wishing your mom a Happy Birthday :wishes:.

[tinkerbellybutton]

Marilyn hon, I'm sorry to hear that you have to face this at all. We ended up having to get involved with Bruce's mom this way. The good thing was, her car was also broken down, we told her it was going to be extremely expensive to fix (which it was except Bruce did the work so it was cheaper) She couldn't afford to have the car fixed so when it was time to renew her license she didn't bother. We had spoken to her Dr. and he was willing to contact DMV if it was needed but we wanted her to be in control of it if at all possible. Good luck to you and let us know how it goes. :hug:

[MsMin]

Hey Marilyn, I understand what you are going through and it can be so difficult.
I would wait until she asks to go, just kind of avoid it if you can by changing the subject or having other plans. One good thing is that she can rely on you for transportation and she is not alone.
It is important that it be her decision; but, unfortunately we do have to step in at times.
When she brings it up ask her if she feels safe driving? Try to get her to see that it isn't safe anymore and that she is at risk as well as others. Don't make it easy for her to get to the DMV.

I don't recall that you have mentioned any signs of dementia. Dementia is a different problem. Yes, we have to step in when they can't make the decision that is best for themselves.
With my dad we did discouraged him from renewing his license and my mom just ignored this first couple requests and then he stopped asking. He had a license for many years but had no business driving. He didn't get behind the wheel, I think he just felt better having the license in his wallet. For many aging adults the DL represents their independence and competence. When their mind is sound we just don't want to rip away these rights.
Maybe you can use the broken car as an excuse as a reason not to drive.
I think you are right to believe that it will hurt her to use your power against her. It could increase depression and motivation. Aging is difficult and our aging parents deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Again dementia is different they are no longer capable of making a rash decision due to the severe cognitive decline. Remember too that everyone shows some signs of cognitive decline at 83, even if minor.
So let her ask you, discuss the legal ramifications including the risk she is taking with hurting herself or others. Also you don't have to make it easy for her. You can refuse to take her to the DMV, refuse to help her get her car fixed etc.
Think of this more as a progressive step and not a sudden axing or termination of her rights. It should be handled with dignity and compassion. If she has the license in her pocket does she even have a car to drive? What are the chances that she would get behind the wheel?
:hug: to you and your mom

[kakn7294]

Happy Birthday to your mom!

What a tough spot to be in. If she has a license, will she actually try to drive? My grandmother had a driver's license her entire life and I never remember her ever driving. She just liked the security of having a driver's license. I've also heard of people hiding the real keys and substituting the elderly driver's keys with dummy keys. The elderly driver never knew those keys wouldn't work in the car and if an attempt was made to actually drive, they wouldn't work to operate the vehicle anyway. I wouldn't bring the subject up and see if she does. If she comes to you asking to renew, pretend that you either didn't know or forgot she needed to renew then put her off for as long as possible. In the meantime, contact the DMV and see exactly what's involved in her getting her license renewed. If she asks before you have that information, be honest with her to a point and tell her that's what you are doing - make it sound like you are helping her out, making the process easier on her. Good luck to you!

[Marilyn Michetti]

My mom gets lost if she goes further than a couple of mile, and she will stop on green and go on red. She wants to drive in the worst way, so to buy time, we've "pulled" a battery cable. She hasn't driven in over a year, and really isn't safe on the road. I take her anywhere she wants to go, but it's not the same. She also wants to move into her own home, and get a job, but honestly, she still thinks we're in PA. sometimes, and calls my DH Wilbert. (His name is Tom).

Bottom line - we just want her, and everybody else on the road to be safe. We change the subject when it comes up, but how long can you do that. I don't think she can pass a road test, but stranger things have happened.

Thanks for the advice. I'll call the DMV in the morning and let you know what they say.

[crazypoohbear]

My mom gets lost if she goes further than a couple of mile, and she will stop on green and go on red. She wants to drive in the worst way, so to buy time, we've "pulled" a battery cable. She hasn't driven in over a year, and really isn't safe on the road. I take her anywhere she wants to go, but it's not the same. She also wants to move into her own home, and get a job, but honestly, she still thinks we're in PA. sometimes, and calls my DH Wilbert. (His name is Tom).

Bottom line - we just want her, and everybody else on the road to be safe. We change the subject when it comes up, but how long can you do that. I don't think she can pass a road test, but stranger things have happened.

Thanks for the advice. I'll call the DMV in the morning and let you know what they say.


Marilyn, I feel for you. That is how things started with my mom as well. At first I thought it was okay that she was driving because she only went around town and would not get lost, but then she did.
If the DMV can't or won't help you out. I would suggest that when the subject comes up you keep coming up with excuses
1) I called and they were closed today because of, loss of power, burst pipe, renovations, sick out from employees etc.
2) get "lost" driving her to the registry and then get really hungry and need to go to lunch. Then it will be too late, "we'll go another day"
3) feign illness
You are right about her being able to pass the test, here in MA you only need to drive around the block, it is not that difficult, or in depth like you would think :confused:
No written test, no hand signals, no backing up, merging, or even using blinkers.
Please remember that you are doing the right thing and that you ARE doing it out of Love for your mom. :hug::hug:

[brownie]

I would talk to your mom and tell her she shouldn't. It sounds like she won't be able to go take the test without you taking her anyways. It's hard, but it's probably time for some tough love. I wouldn't want to make the department of motor vehicles the bad guys. Maybe they have a practice test you could have her take to help make your case.

[Beast_fanatic]

When my dad was in a similar position, he would not listen to any of his kids, but he finally accepted the word of his doctor when he told him he could no longer drive. I know you don't really want to go that route, but it's the only thing that worked for my Dad (that and hiding the keys to his car).

Good luck! :pixie: And, happy birthday to your Mom!

[MsMin]

Marilyn, from what you describe it sounds like your mom does have a little mild dementia. There are some great ideas here but it's not easy.
I know how much you care for your mom and remember that our aging parents are can not be treated like a teen. Tough love is for teens, with our aging parents we use love, respect and compassion. Though often if we confront them too strongly they dig their heels in and get oppositional just like a teen.
With geriatrics we don't like and deceive but redirect and work from their reality. Redirecting is simply changing the subject. When we change the subject often the aging brain goes with the conversation forgetting about the other conversation. This is why I say to stall. With dementia often you can see that their reality is not our reality. We live in their world to help reduce their anxiety and bring confidence.
I do think that with dementia, even the early mild stages, she should not be driving and the deceptive practices are for her benefit.
I'm glad you pulled the cable on the car. As mentioned, DMV's vary even w/in a state so a call to them may help if they will flag her license. If not, maybe you can ask her to sit while "you renew your's first" tipping off the DMV staff.
I like the blank keys. Be careful with your keys too.

[Tick-Tock]

The problem with avoiding the issue is that, if her license is expired, she's not going to have a valid state-issued ID. In today's world, that's not a very good position. I'll bet she can't even get a non-DL state ID without going to DMV.

[LauraF]

Marilyn, I just had to help my parents do the same thing for my grandmother (they were wanting to come down on her like a ton of bricks using their POA which would have upset her greatly.) Rather than allow an internecine war to start, I got creative:

So I take my grandmother out from the home every Friday afternoon to go shopping. This was the day she'd been told she couldn't renew her license by my parents. So I took her the longest, most confusing route I could find (no highways), while I listened to her complain about how nasty my parents were for denying her the right to drive. When we finally got to our destination, she stopped, looked at me and said, "Maybe they're right. I don't think I could drive around here. It's very hard to find places and it takes a long time to get there. It would be exhausting to do myself." I called my parents and told them they owed me big time.

Call me devious and cruel, but it's easier to trick my grandma then explain to whomever she's hit (or worse) we were trying to be kind to her. Greater good and all that.

My parents also called the RMV to put a note in record and got the doctor to back them up in writing, which did help my grandmother realize it wasn't a personal attack against her by my parents.

[Advnt05]

We went through the same thing with my grandparents. The doctor agreed that they should not be driving and we were able to get him to write a letter to the DMV. The DMV sent them a letter stating their doctor requested the liscense be revoked and they accepted that. No hard feelings towards the family.

[meldan98]

We have gone through something similar with my grandfather. We just should have done something sooner. On Christmas day, he let his sugar get out of control and it was over 450 when he attempted to make a left hand turn and pulled in front of an on-coming car. The driver in the other car was not injured, but my grandmother who is 85, suffered a broken neck and broken ribs and my grandfather who is 87, suffered a broken leg and broken ribs. Luckily, there were bystanders who pulled them out of the firey reckage. Thankfully, everyone survived and my grandmother got her halo off in May.

My grandfather insisited that he could still drive and went out and bought a new car. My mother spoke to a police officer that comes to the school that she works at, and spoke to him about finding out how to get his license pulled. He took my grandfather's info from my mom and had the reports from the accident pulled. He then contacted the DMV and he got the ball rolling. DMV contact my grandfather's insurance company (AAA) and AAA required that he attend and pass a class and then if he did, he would have to pass both the written and driving test. He never made it passed the AAA class and his license was pulled. We are very thankful that he is off the road. He is a very bull-headed and stubborn man, and without some intervention, we couldn't have gotten it done.

He now has a three wheeled bike that he rides around to go to the store and run errands. So far so good, however, soon, I think we might have to find out how to revoke is bicycle license. :D He's starting to venture out onto the busy areas of town, and we are a little scared for him and the other cars out on the road.

[Marilyn Michetti]

I just called the Dept. of Transportation and they told me to fax them a report to the Medical Review board. I do have to sign it, but DD is going to also, and I think her Dr. will agree. Ultimately, it will be my doing because I've read the last few posts, and don't want to be responsible for what could happen. :(

Thanks for your input.:thumbsup: