Need to vent! Why do our relatives drive us crazy?

[alphamommy]

I have one sister who is much older than me. She and her husband weren't able to have kids, and our parents are deceased, so they tend to think of themselves as our DD's surrogate grandparents.

We used to live about 15 miles from them, but in 2006, moved about 40 miles away. This has been a source of much grief to them, and they (especially my sister) like to lay guilt trips on me constantly about "taking their baby (meaning our DD) away from them." DD plays hockey, so her weekends are tied up with practices and games. We also like to spend time with her occasionally.:)

Not long before DD got home from school, I was talking to my sister on the phone. She was giving me grief about how long it's been since they saw our daughter, and even commented, "We've hardly seen her since school started!" I came back with, "Well, I have to send her to school. The state says so," which my sister ignored as she continued to bemoan the fact that they haven't seen her.

This would all be annoying enough, but one fact makes it even worse for me. Two weeks ago, my sister was talking to me on her cellphone, and was complaining that they weren't going to get to see DD while she was out on mid-winter break. She (sister) was very unhappy about this. When she got ready to hang up, she commented on where she was: she was driving down the main road that is closest to our house, which would take her within sight of our house! She must not miss DD very much, or she would have stopped for a few minutes!

Furthermore, she missed DD's birthday party in January. She said she was sick, but, conspiracy theorist that I am, I think she hadn't found a spectacular b-day present yet. She has not mentioned DD's b-day present since the missed party. DD doesn't need anything - good heavens, the kid got 9 Webkinz for her birthday!

If they really love my child as much as they say, why can't they make time to see her? They haven't even been to one of her hockey games - in fact, they haven't asked when she plays!

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, and I know she loves DD, too. It just seems like she has to make a show out of everything. It's always all about her!

Sorry this is so long - I've just been stewing about this for a while, and it needs to come out!

Tammy

[PirateLover]

Have you told her straight up that it's just so hectic witch school activities that it's hard to find the time to drive out there and see them? That it might be easier if they were to drive out to your house if they really want to spend some time with her? When she mentioned where she was did you say "Hey stop on by!"

She needs to know it goes both ways. If their relationship was close then yes you should make time. However school takes precedence and your DD should not miss sports games so that really cuts into your travel time. But you can make sure your available for a chunk of time where they could come over and spend some time with her.

Also maybe your DD could send them a weekly email or even a card just to keep in touch and make them feel like they aren't out of the loop.

[alphamommy]

They don't seem to understand the concept of TEAM sports - DD missed one game before Christmas, and her team barely had enough players to skate. Where was she? At my sister's house.

I've tried explaining such things to her, but they just don't seem to sink in. I ranted to DH when he got home, and he pointed out that it would be much more feasible for them to come to our place for dinner than for us to go up there (because of school night bed time). However, they have a dog, and, while I love dogs, I'm very allergic, and can't allow their dog to come here.

It's sort of funny - my folks were from Alabama, and we used to joke that it must be a lot farther to drive from there to here than from here to there, because the relatives were always asking when we were coming down. Now it's apparently farther to drive south to our place than north to theirs.

Oh, well, I guess I should just learn to ignore it.

Tammy

[crazypoohbear]

You could always try emailing her a copy of DD schedule and asking her which games she would like to come and join you at. that way she would have to come up with an excuse and then next guilt trip you could say "well, we have tried to get together with you at DD games but you never seem to be able to make it" :)
Maybe after hockey season is over you could arrange for DD to spend a weekend with them and you and DH could have some alone time.

[tinkerbell04]

40 miles away really isn't that FAR. I hear what you are saying and I totally think that she should make an effort also. Why don't you have you DD invite her to a hockey game and if she comes, maybe she would understand how difficult it is for her to miss one. I understand about dogs, as I have one too, but they don't have to come with your sister if she is just coming for dinner and a visit.

[Gooftroop5]

I have to agree with everyone else. 40 miles isn't that far and yes the roads do work both ways and it isn't any farther. (been through this with dh's family that live about the same distance away maybe a little closer) Have your dd ask your sister to come to a hockey game. Then your sister can take her home for the evening and that way you both get something you want.

[ncscgirl2005]

I grew up in a similair situation. My mom and dad divorced and his family wanted to see us but they NEVER came to visit us. They always expected us to come to them. My mom was a single mother and worked A LOT to support us so she was hardly ever home. We only lived about 15 miles apart so if they wanted to see us that bad then they could have.

Now I have my own kids and they are doing the same thing to me. They claim to miss my kids and want to see them. They are in SC at least 3 times a year but have yet to come to visit us even though they've been invited to do so plenty of times. They constantly criticize me for only going to visit my side of the family when I do go back home. It's so frustrating. :mad:


Sorry to hi-jack your thread. I agree with everyone else. Invite them to her games and if they decline then...oh well at least you tried.

[Aggie97]

Wow - so sorry you're having to go through this.

Have you tried inviting them over for dinner on a specific night (i.e., Saturday the 21st) rather than a general anytime-offer? That way she has to actually turn you down. And if she does turn you down, then follow up right away with, "well, what about Saturday the 28th?" Keep trying with a few more dates that work for you. If none of the dates work for her, call and try again next month.

Perhaps you could start a monthly dinner get-together on the first Saturday or Sunday evening of each month, alternating between your houses.

Or, is there a restaurant in the middle where you can meet for lunch or dinner on the weekend? That way no one has to drive more than a few minutes.

If they're only gone a few hours for a meal, perhaps their dog can be left home alone, or if it can't be left alone for a few hours, a neighbor's kid could be paid a few dollars to come over and let the dog out once.

Just go on the offensive, so to speak, and keep reaching out to her with specific invitations -- make her the one who has to say "yes" or "no." Maybe she'll either start to accept your offers or get the picture that suddenly she's the one who has a schedule too busy to accommodate you. Best of luck working through this. :)

[#1donaldfan]

Isn't that what relatives are for ??? Making us crazy....even though we love 'em.......:thumbsup:

[tinkerbell04]

Perhaps you could start a monthly dinner get-together on the first Saturday or Sunday evening of each month, alternating between your houses.

Or, is there a restaurant in the middle where you can meet for lunch or dinner on the weekend? That way no one has to drive more than a few minutes.



That is a great idea too. We eat dinner out as extended family on the fourth Thursday of every month. Yes, it might seem like a pain when we have such hectic lives, but it is nice to know that we have that standing date and we always have a nice time and a nice meal.

[alphamommy]

Thanks to everyone for the advice! I hadn't really thought about inviting them for dinner.

My BIL is VERY into bowling, and bowls several nights a week. He's retired, but has a part time bowling pro shop business that he opens one night a week and on weekends. He also bowls in a lot of tournaments. That takes up most of their time.

I've tried inviting them to a hockey game, but got no response from sending DD's schedule to them, so I just stopped.

I guess I just get tired of listening to my sister scrambling for excuses, or trying to push things off on me. Frankly, I've felt better about it all since I wrote the original post. I guess I really needed to get the frustration out of my system!

Tammy

[thrillme]

Chances are your sister has plenty to keep her busy and that 40 mile trip just seems SOOOOO long (shucks that's about what I drive back and forth to work each day). My parents used to go all over town. Once they retired it's sort of like their limit (unless they have something really pressing or planning a little vacation) is about 15-20 minutes...She might just feel guilty to admit she's "tired". But she really does love your daughter.

Everytime a relative gets under your skin about some of these types of things...close your eyes and count your blessings that you DO have relatives to make you crazy. It's really sad seeing some of the people out on the street who have no one.

I don't know how old your daughter is but one thing my son does with my Mom (grandma) is if there's a quiz show on...he calls her and they hang on the phone like teenagers...guessing the answers. My Dad and I are like that with Survivor..."I can't believe those idiots!!!...I can start a fire better than that...pfft". (Dad an I also do this over stupid Sci Fi movies...every commercial). Maybe you can put some of this on your daughters shoulders by having her call "Auntie" after every game.