What to do, what to do...

[DisneyTwirler13!]

My best friend recently got a new boyfriend after crushing on him for 4 1/2 months, and finding out that he likes her too. I have been her best friend for almost a decade, and we have always been close, and nothing has happened like this... ever! :unsure:
See, this friend, "Cheryl", and her new boyfriend, "Anthony", are constantly together, and when they're apart, all that "Cheryl" talks about is him! And she doesn't seem to pay much attention to the rest of us, her friends. She broke up our weekly movie night that we've had for almost 4 years just so she could hang out with "Anthony" and a bunch of other new aquaintences that she's known maybe 9 months, instead of going to see National Treasure: Book of Secrets today with me. I know that she is still my best friend, and she knows it too, because she's always telling me that I'm her bestest friend, and that she hopes my cat is ok (she got bitten on the back by another cat, but she's fine now), but me and my other friend "Ashley" feel very... neglected, as a friend. But "Ashley" has other friends that I haven't met, and my friends are all a part of mine, "Cheryl's", and "Ashley's" group, and everyone is always with "Cheryl".
This week has been horrible, and I want to prevent this from happening the next week we're together! I've tried talking to her, but my statements seem to fall on deaf ears, as she continues talking to somebody about "Anthony".
I don't want to end our friendship, because it seems that this relationship won't last as long as they think it will, and I was like her rock the last time this happened.
I'm looking for ANY kind of advice!
I just don't want to be so lonely and feeling so friendless anymore.... :sad:... even though I know I'm not.
Thanks in advance! :blush:

(P.S. I'm not jealous that she has a boyfriend, because I don't like any of the boys in our school.)

[Mousefever]

I'm I right in thinking that you are in junior high school? I remember that time in my life and it's really tough.

I went through a similar situation with my best friend during junior high. She started going out with a boy and ignoring me to some extent. I didn't think that the boy was good enough for my friend, and I was also missing her.

My advice to you is to pursue some other interests and friends while your best friend is infatuated with her boyfriend. You should find other ways to fill up your time and put you into contact with other people. If you put pressure on your friend to spend less time with BF and more time with you, she will probably resent it.

Just to let you know, my friend and I did grow somewhat apart during junior high and high school. But I ended up a bridesmaid at her wedding. And, at 36, we are still in touch and close emotionally, although we are far apart geographically.

I know it's painful, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation.

Amy


:dory:

[SBETigg]

Good advice from Amy! And good for you for realizing that friends are more important in your life now and you don't need a boyfriend. I'm guessing your friend will come back around, too. She's experiencing something new and she's caught up in the infatuation. Give her some space and let her explore it, even though for now you feel understandably left out and lonely.

The more pressure you put on her to spend time with you, the less she will want to do that. She will think you don't understand her situation, that you're just upset not to have her around as much, and basically that you're a downer to be around. So just hang tight and know this will probably pass and she'll be more grateful than ever to have a good friend like you who stayed around when she wasn't being that considerate. Plus, she may need you soon.

Let her know you're still there and still a friend, keep inviting her to do things, but be easy-going if she declines in favor of spending time with the new boyfriend. It's a new thing for her and it will preoccupy her for a while. It doesn't mean she likes you any less, as you know, it just means she's caught up in the whirlwind of new exciting feelings for this boy.

For you, in the meantime, try to find some new hobbies or activities that will put you in contact with new people, maybe new friends. If that's not a possibility, find something new to try on your own that makes you feel good about you. What have you always wanted to try or do? Now's the time. Art, music, drama, writing, sports? There's something out there for you. And it's perfectly okay to feel let down or sad about her leaving you for other things. Thats natural. Let yourself feel it, but don't keep telling her about it. Tell her once, maybe, so that she knows you miss her, and then let it go, let her be, and she'll be back. Oh, and be patient when she talks about him. I know it's hard to hear Anthony, Anthony all the time, but she's still your friend and this is her way of sharing with you. Just do the mental eye roll (vs actual eye roll) and smile at her, and never say a bad word about Anthony until you're sure she's done with him (because that will undoubtedly come back to bite you). Hang in there!

[DisneyTwirler13!]

Thanks! You guys are totally right! It's hard, because we are seated near each other in almost all of our classes, and since our community is fairly small, it's all everyone's talking about! But you guys have helped a tremendous amount! I was putting a lot of pressure on our friendship, and when I was talking with my mom earlier this week, she said the same thing about this being an exhilarating experience for "Cheryl". And I'll try to make a few more friends, and get more involved with helping out with the little baton girls in our group, instead of kowtowing to "Cheryl".
Merry Christmas, and THANK YOU!

[pink]

Hey, I don't know if you still need advice but I just went through a similar situation with a friend of mine a few monthes ago. I agree with what everyone else said about getting a few hobbies to keep your mind off of it. I know your situation is hard to be in but when it's your turn and you get a boyfriend remember how you feel right now and don't repeat her mistake by ignoring your friend. Good Luck and keep us posted. :mickey:

[DisneyDudet]

I think its a situation that is VERY common, even for older kids, plus many adults. A friend becomes a couple with someone else, and they feel the need to be together quite a lot. Believe me, its happened to me. I often neglected friends for my boyfriend, and it was selfish and stupid of me, because now, I am no longer with that boy, and really only have some communication with my friends from high school.

Letting her know that you do miss your time together and the traditions you have done for so long is a good step. Complaining about not seeing her and even mentioning the boyfriend will probably make her very defensive, and she may resent you for it, claiming you are jealous of her and him, plus you are jealous of not having a boyfriend, which we know you aren't but she may see it that way. Using "I" statements will let her know your feelings about missing her, rather than you being upset about who she is spending her time with.

It will be hard to be that person that she comes to with all the boyfriend stories. Letting her know that you are happy she found him, and is having a good time will show her that you really love her has a friend, and want her happy. If there are times that something goes wrong in that relationship, you will be her go-to person. That might be hard, feeling that she is not spending as much time with you, but when he's not around, there you are. But, you will need to tell yourself that she still trusts you, and always found you as a very close friend.

Being supportive of her, and focusing on you, will give you things to talk about when you are together. She can talk about him, and you can talk about your new interests like friends, new hobbies, etc. You can't sit around and mope over this, you both need lives apart from each other (and so does she and her boyfriend, but its hard to tell puppy lovers that :)).

I hope this works out. Patience is needed, and I am sending some :pixie: your way!

[DisneyTwirler13!]

Thanks for all the advice! It's nice knowing how you can deal with this thing while still keeping your friendship intact. Although I have told her how I feel, I don't think she gets it (she's a ditzy person sometimes), but I'm not going to pressure her. I'm going to use this advice well, especially the next time that "Anthony" takes her to Epcot for free (he has "connections"), and that's all I hear about the next day, and it's driving me crazy that I wasn't able to go to Disney World and it's all she'll talk about.
I REALLY appreciate your advice, all of you!

[kakn7294]

It's a tough situation but you got some great advice here and it sounds like you are a smart girl who does "get it" and will put the advice to good use. Listen to your mom too - she knows what she's talking about! BTW, you're a lucky girl to live so close to WDW - I'm rather envious! Merry Christmas!

[PirateLover]

I just wanted to pipe in and say that I too alienated friends when I got my first real serious boyfriend. I think some people just really need to feel wanted/important. As much as friends are always there for you, the first time you find someone who thinks you're beautiful, wants to kiss you etc it's a feeling that is like no other and they dive head first into the relationship, often leaving friends behind. Needless to say that first relationship didn't work out. I was all about him... and while he said all the right things, at the heart of it, he was all about himself as well. Luckily I was able to realize what a fool I was and pick up the pieces afterwards and reach out to my friends. If your friend does stay with this boy for awhile, hopefully the infatuation phase wears off eventually and she realizes that she needs to spend time with friends as well. Good luck!

[DisneyTwirler13!]

It's a tough situation but you got some great advice here and it sounds like you are a smart girl who does "get it" and will put the advice to good use. Listen to your mom too - she knows what she's talking about! BTW, you're a lucky girl to live so close to WDW - I'm rather envious! Merry Christmas!

Thanks!!

Everyone, you've all been SO helpful!! And I can assure you that all the advice has been put to good use! THANK YOU!! :)

[DisneyTwirler13!]

Ummm.... Also....
I find that after she ends a relationship, or the other person ends it, she seems to say yes to everything, but does nothing, and gets a little nasty when you comment on it, afterward apoligizing profusely. How do I handle that when she and "Anthony" break up?

[DisneyDog]

Honestly, I would just let her do the talking. Just be there to listen. That's what friends are for:thumbsup:

[tinklover]

Yes like disneydog said just be there for her, offer your shoulder for her to cry on. When she needs advice she will ask for it as you have done here. You are very mature for your age and I commend you for how you have handled this whole situation. Best of luck with "Ashley" and everything you do in life.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

Unfortunately this is a pattern that girls continue into adulthood. Been there done that and had it done to me. It's all part of growing up. The trick is to realize what you are doing to your friends and remember to make time for them too.

[PoohFan7664]

Girl, I know how you are feeling. I'm a sophomore in high school and I can tell you it doesn't really get any easier. I was the friend that got left behind sometimes, and I was the girl who did the abandoning too. It's tough, it really is, I'm not going to lie. The thing is if they do break up, that is when she will need you the most. Friends stick together through thick and thin, and sometimes going through tough times makes the friendship stronger. It has for me and one of my closest friend. I don't really know what else to say, but that everybody else has given great advice. Trust me, I know what you're going through. :hug: Keep us posted.

[Marilyn Michetti]

"Girlfriend" relationships can hurt so bad at your age.

Try to be her friend by giving her some space. Chances are, after the "glow" of the crush fades, she's going to want your movie nights back. When your time comes with your crush, you'll want the same consideration.

I just went to my forty-fifth class reunion in Aug., and nobody remembered much of the painful stuff - just the good times, and you will too.;)

[DisneyTwirler13!]

Thanks for all your help!!
As it turns out, Anthony broke up with Cheryl 3 days before New Years Eve, but I didn't hear about it until just now, because of an extended vacation.
I will try to be there to comfort her, and to try to keep her from acting out her anger at Anthony by pulling foolish pranks like she did last time.
Thanks for all your help!! (again!)