I'm at the end of my rope, and my knot is slipping.

[Cinderelley]

Sorry this is gonna be long, but I gotta vent somewhere.

At the beginning of this year, DS17 started dating girl A. DS started ditching. I told DS that if he ditched again, that would be the end of DS & girl A. Well, in the middle of October, the high school calls and says that DS was absent and some young girl had called him in pretending to be me. I called girl A's father and met him at their house. They were there. I told all of them that DS was no longer to see girl A, and DS was grounded for a month. Girl A's Dad says "Well, they're just gonna sneak around and see each other anyway, so I'm not going to punish her" although he did take her truck keys away.

A couple of days later, ex-DH calls me. (His current wife won't let him talk to me, so I knew they wanted something.) He tells me he's filing for bankruptcy and wants me to forgive his $30,00 in back child support. I told him no in several words I can not write on this board. Then I received a notice that there was a hearing for his bankruptcy on Oct. 31.

At the end of Oct., DS is continuing to break the rules and has gotten very disrespectful with me referring to me as "the slimiest thing I've seen on the planet" and other things that I can not write on her. DS ditched again, so I decided to take him to live with his father in Kansas and attend the court hearing. My mom, my kids and myself packed up the van and headed out only to run into brake problems in Flagstaff. Ex-DH didn't want me to go to the court hearing. Within 30 minutes of finding out that I'm attending the court hearing, ex-DH calls and says that the hearing has been postponed for two weeks. All right, I was still on my way with DS17. The next day, before ex-DH knew about the brake problems, he leaves a message on my cellphone about how his wife has had a heart attack, and he's at the hospital with her. I have to call him when I get close so that he can head to his house to meet me. The hospital's in another town. Hmmm, didn't buy the story. Called the courthouse, and sure enough, the hearing was still on. I was stuck in Flagstaff, so I couldn't do anything about it, but I was so :mad:at ex-DH for lying to me about it. I have been so nice to him. He pays $460 a month in child support for 3 kids. I could've had it raised when each of the kids turned 13, and I could've had it re-evaluated at any time to increase it, but I haven't. My mom got DS to promise that he wouldn't see girl A until he turns 18 this December. So, we came back home. Continued on the next post. . .

[Cinderelley]

At the same time this is going on, current DH & I have been fighting because on our date nights (Wed. nights & the first Thurs. of each month- those were the nights of his choice when we first agreed to do this.), he ditches me and goes to Kung Fu, obviously this was the last straw amongst other things. I finally had enough & told him to move out. He says he loves me. yada. . . yada. . .yada. Then after a long time (3 days), he promises me that he won't go to Kung Fu on those days.

DS17 appeared to be doing well. His grades were coming up. He started dating another girl -girl B. Said he broke up with girl A. As far as I know, no more ditching. I started trusting him a little more, let him go out to lunch with his friend, go to the mall looking for a job, etc. Last night he wanted to go to a friend's Birthday party, so I gave him his cellphone back (I'd had it all this time), and let him go. Well, come to find out, he's been sneaking out of our house at night to go see girl A. Girl B was just a front for him - (she's brokenhearted). He never went to lunch with his friends like he said he was. In fact, his friends won't talk to him now, because he's used all of them to see girl A, and they don't like girl A. I got a letter from the school saying he may lose his credits because he's reached 10 ditches this semester. And, he doesn't care. I had told him previously that if he continued to see girl A after we came back home from Flagstaff, that he would have two choices when he turned 18- move out of our house into his own place or move out with his dad. He turns 18 in two weeks. I reminded him what the consequences of his choice was. He said fine.

Later this evening while I was crying in my bedroom, I told DH that I thought maybe I should let him stay here until he graduates, just not give him all the perks that he has. No money for gas or insurance or for going out, etc. He would just get a roof over his head, food from the kitchen and clothes on his back. DH said if that's what you want to tell him fine, but I'll kick him out as soon as he breaks the rules. I told him that wasn't fair since he didn't make his own DS follow his rules. (I can't punish his DS or he gets mad at me. But he tells him he's grounded or can't drive the car, etc, but his DS does it anyway and gets away with it. After his DS complained that I "hated" him, DH said that I couldn't punish his DS anymore. When I got upset that DH could punish my kids and I couldn't punish his DS, he said he would let me do all the discipline for my kids and he would stay out of it.) Then we got into a fight about it and he says "It's my house." I said "It's my house too." Then he says "I'm the man of the house and you won't even let me go to Kung Fu practice. Now you won't let me set my own house rules." My response is "not if they're different for different people". Then he said that we'll get divorced, sell the house and split the money. I told him "no", I want the house because he won't take care of the dogs, and I can't get an apartment that will take three large dogs.

Then I grabbed my keys and went for a half-hour drive to cry it out. Uggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

[Tigger&Stitch]

Wow - you have SO much going on right now! I won't profess to have any huge words of wisdom, as I've only been married a year (first marriage!) and have no children.

Your son sounds like he is ready to move on. It will break your heart to see him move out and start life under these circumstances, but it sounds as if he is breaking your heart staying in your house too, nevermind the toll it is taking on your current marriage.

Your son is going to make mistakes, and has made many already. We all have, and soon he will understand the ramifications of those mistakes. I know the natural mothering instinct is to try to keep him from making mistakes because you have the benefit of knowledge and history and foresight. He doesn't, and it appears he isn't interested in learning from his elders. At this point, you have to let him make mistakes - even if he gets kicked out of school.

Tell him you love him, remind him at 18 he leaves, and that you'll always be there for him. Keep an eye on him, and if he gets into serious trouble (i.e. jail) help him out. But don't let him walk on you!!

As for your husband...your marriage is private, and what has gone on between you only you two know. If you want to save the marriage, I would suggest therapy. If he doesn't want to go to therapy, see if he will do a trial separation, and ask him to leave.

This is all very scary for you, I'm sure. So much to handle! The first person you need to take care of, though, is YOU. Sort you what YOU want and go from there.

Be strong and be safe.

[SBETigg]

I'm sorry you're having trouble in your life right now. It's so hard when things seem to hit us all at once. I have a DS 16 and I know it can be a hard time when they start thinking they know it all and they don't need your advice. You have to maintain rules and it's your house, but you can't really choose their friends and relationships for them. Best wishes that things will get better soon.

[RedheadWriter]

All I can do after reading your posting is to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I do not have any of these life experiences myself. All I can hope is that whatever you choose to do, it is the best for you.

[offwego]

Wow that is alot. Have you or dh or both of you tried counselling? Blending families is the toughest test of any marriage and it sounds like some space might be a good thing in the short term.

So sorry you are going through all this.

[tinkerbell04]

Wow, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this right now. I don't think that I can offer advice, since I have no experience with your kind of situation. I do want to let you know however, that I will keep you in my prayers and my thoughts. :mickey:

[dumbo ears]

wow. im sincerely sorry for all your trouble you have had lately. I hope something good comes soon for you. well hang in there :thumbsup:

[MsMin]

I feel your pain. There is so much that I too would recommend counseling. I can give a tip or two on parenting but when you are in overload you can really benefit from the extra support :hug: My ex got out of paying big $$ to and I know the stress that causes but sometimes the pain and energy and court costs you incur fighting for it makes the loss that much greater. :(
Money is typically the best avenue for control when dealing with older teens. Teens are trying to build an identity and are seeking control of their owns lives which is healthy but our just is to see that they survive it because they don't always make great choices. Unfortunately, the more we try to control their lives the more we drive them to the problem e.g. the gf. She becomes his ally in the fight against you and she wins the battle proving to him that you are only controlling his life... It is so hard to back off enough and let her demonstrate to him that she isn't best for him when his focus is fighting you.
Does this mean you are wrong NO of course not it only means that it takes a lot of "super" parenting skill, outside the norm in blended families b/c of the other dynamics. And for other readers, remember that dynamics change in families so this is not to be "generalized" to ALL. It's just from what I hear (read) you need someone in your court someone to give you support and it's like a burning ship and everyone is bailing on you. This is why I recommend finding someone to help you relieve the stress and give you the needed support. It's usually the healthy one that seeks therapy b/c things are out of control.
I think too that your son could benefit from an outside source demonstrating that this girl is bad for him but the pressures from the family to dump her could help him see the light more clearly. Remember your control is $$$ and let him take the natural consequences of his action. If he has to repeat credits so be it.
Does he have a job??? What kind of responsibility does he have? I see so many kids get into trouble b/c they have too much.
Best of luck and you can always PM me. We are here for you :hug: :pixie:

[cal5755]

I am so sorry for what you are going through! I am hoping that venting her helped a little bit. You are in my thoughts and prayers too!!

[AbeeNormal]

Wow..... MsMin really hit it on the head in IMHO. You have so much on your plate right now, between your DS & DH it seems you are in the middle of a firing squad. I do believe what was said before, the more we try to pick our kids friends the more they go to the ones we don't want them to. It's so unfortunate but it's not your fault and I think if you do have him move out he will see a little bit of you wisdom and more possibly come around that way instead of him lying to you about it.

I wish I had some perfect answer for you, just hang in there and come here often for support if you need it. I'm so sorry to see you going thru so much at once.

[Cinderelley]

Thanks for all the prayers everyone! They're working. :thumbsup: DH came and told me he was sorry about making things worse.

Any attorney from the attorney general's office called me about ex-DH's bankruptcy. Since my case goes through child support enforcement, they'll handle it for me. He said that ex-DH can't get rid of it through bankruptcy. Then he told me that I can have the back child support wrapped up in his bankruptcy, and it would be paid off in 5 years. I thought that was a great idea, especially since my youngest is 13. In 5 years I can be free and clear with ever having to deal with him again. (No, he won't come to various family functions like the kids getting married. He just isn't interested.)

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with DS. I'm waiting for the lightning bolt of wisdom to come and hit me. Why can't kids come with an instruction manual?

[tinksmom02]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this! I can't offer any advice, but just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts.

[ShelbyAD]

WOW, I am soooo sorry that you are going through this. Sending TONS of :pixie::pixie::pixie: and :hug: for you. I know this is not easy on you especially with the holidays. I will keep you in mind and prayers.

[pink]

I'm sorry to hear about all of your problems you're going through right now. I don't know anything about marriage because I'm only 18 but with your DS I might be able to help. I'm guessing that your DS is in his senior year and I know that almost all of my classmates in senior year ditched continously and everyone went through a time when they found there first love and ditched their friends for their bf/gf. However, I went through it and slowly I learned that it's not okay to ditch class and we learn on our own. He says that he doesn't care if he fails out but secretly he probally does he's just scared to admit that it's a possibility. Not to say I was never reprimanded but if my parents threatened to kick me out of my house because of it I can gaurantee you that I would probally have been even more rebellious. Them showing that they cared convinced me to change. As for his gf he will soon realize that she is probally not a good influence on him and grow out of it.
I don't know if that helps at all but I hope that everything with your marriage, your son, and your ex-dh all works out. Were here for you! :mickey:

[sgdisney]

I'm glad to read that things are better with DH. As for the problems with DS, I too have an almost 18 year old DS who has pushed his dad and I to the limits of our parenting skills. I've spent many a sleepless night worrying and praying for him. Look for a PM from me later!

[Here we go again...]

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with DS. I'm waiting for the lightning bolt of wisdom to come and hit me. Why can't kids come with an instruction manual?
I wish they did too.... but don't worry, you will get through this.
Being 17 is hard. Being the parent of a 17 year old is harder. My DD and I had similar problems. Now we are VERY close. I realize now that we were too much alike, and still are. So, in our own minds we were always right. (I still think I was right :secret: )
Remind your DS every day that you do the things you do because you love him and that one day you hope he sees that. It will get better. :hug:

I agree with the others that said you should see a councelor. It is hard to watch someone else discepline your child... I know I used to get defensive when my DH punished my oldest DD. In his mind, there was a certain way kids were supposed to act. Of course all of that went out the window when we had our youngest DD.... nothing but spoiled rotten there.

Although I hated the way my DH disciplined my DD, It all turned out okay. My DH and DD are closer than you could imagine. She appreciates every thing he did because she knows it helped to make her the person she is today. I had to step back and let him parent without interfeing though... and that was hard for me.

I wish you lots of luck. Keep your chin up...

[Not2Loud]

While I am now 33, I was the 17 yr old dating girl A that the parents did not care for. It wasn't because of school, but because we were sexually active. Anyways, my parents tried to ban me from her...didn't work because it just made me more determined. When they let go of me and said to do what I wanted...the relationship started to fade after a few months. I did go live with my mother after that school year (I lived with dad in FL), and having the summer away with mom did me some good. You might think about moving him for the summer next year and having him work for the summer.

I slowly realized what was going on. While I don't necessarily agree with my parents reasoning, I understand and respect them trying to push me in the right direction.

[Cinderelley]

Thanks for the input everyone. No lightning bolts yet;). My youngest DS was in a car accident. No one was hurt, but I think it shook up DS17. He's started helping around the house, Tells me he loves me, etc. He went out looking for a job. We'll see how it goes from here.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I hope the turn around in attitude continues. That is a difficult time to go through with raging hormones etc. You feel like no one understands you. Maybe the car accident was his wake up call. Pixie dust for you.:pixie::pixie::pixie: