Really Need Some Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ms.Disney]

Okay here is my story, I am getting married 9-8-07. We are only having the a best man and a maid of honor. The maid of honor is going to be good friend of mine Jen we have been friends since I was 14 (im going to be be 22 next week) anyway she has been distance for the past 3 weeks. She was supposed to help me with the bridal shower invitations, she was supposed to help me with the wedding invitations, she told me she would come over 4 hours before the bridal shower to help with food and decorations. ( along with other things)Jen never shows up or she never calls. for the bridal shower she was the last one to get there then she was the first person to leave. She didnt even bring a gift!!! ( she is way more than financially stable so I know its not because she didnt have cash) I really dont care about the gift..... I guess it just adds fuel to the fire. Also I bought the MOH dress for the wedding and the shoes and wrap. She told me that we wanted to payfor everything she never gave me a penny. She has this new friend that I think is a nice girl but I dont approve of the way she lives her life. She has children she drinks all the time and goes to clubs. ( you get the picture) Anyway I dont know why Jen even hangs out with her. They spend A LOT of time together and I am worried that Jen will pick up the lifestyle of this friend of hers. I have talk to Jen about this girl being a bad influence she doesnt want to hear it. Anyway I am not even sure she wants to be in the wedding now, I;m not even sure I want her to be in it. My DF is always saying theres somthing going on with her......shes not her self. My mom and other friends have noticed it to. I dont know what I should do I do have anohter good friend who is willing to be the maid of honor but I have to act fast it thats the case. I just dont know what to do and I sont want to make someone else the MOH and hurt Jen's feelings but I just dont know what to do. I have her dress her wrap her shoes that I spent more than $250.00 for that are just sitting here. The bad part is that if another friend has to be the MOH Jens dress will not fit her. I just dont know what to do and need some good advice.

[bleukarma]

My advice is to talk to Jen and honestly ask her if she still wants to be in the wedding. Tell her that you are counting on her for your big day and it just seems like she’s not interested anymore. Tell her that you won’t be mad if she backs out (even though I’m sure you probably will be…it might eliminate her from saying “yes” and then disappointing you on the day of the wedding) and that if she wants to back out then you need to know now so you can find a replacement. I know it will be hard to talk to her but it sounds like a talk is what is needed. After all, she wouldn’t like it if someone ruined her wedding. You shouldn’t be expected to put up with someone’s wishy-washy moods about your wedding either.

Good luck and :congrats:on the upcoming wedding!

[crazypoohbear]

Wow, I'm really sorry that you are going through this especially just before your wedding. :(
I think that it is time for you to have a sit down conversation with your MOH. The sooner the better.
You need to tell her how you are feeling and why you are feeling hurt and confused.
Ask her straight up if she would like to step down from her duties because after she flaked on the bridal shower "perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed"
Is it possible to exchange the MOH dress for a different size/style to fit the person you are thinking of?
If not, I would try to ask the former MOH for the cash you spent, after all she did say she would pay for everything, tell her it's time to step up.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I really hope things work out for you

[Disneyatic]

I agree with the 2 previous posters....the best plan is to sit down with your MOH and tell her your feelings and concerns and ask her if she wants to step aside and not be in the wedding party.
I would avoid mentioning anything about the new friend or her being a "bad influence". While this is probably true, it may put your MOH's defenses up and it would be best to avoid that for this particular conversation to try to keep things smooth.
Although you are totally justified to be concerned about her attitude and action changes, since you have already voiced your oncerns and she didn't respond well, I would just stick to the wedding related issues for now.

Most importantly, try to remember that this is your time and focus on enjoying it and not stressing too much!

I 2nd the idea of seeing if you can exchange the dress and shoes for a different size.

Good luck with everything!

[Ms.Disney]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I did call her and talked about the wedding and I asked her if she was sure that this is what she wanted to do and she said yes she will be in the wedding. But its like the tone in her voice. I am thinking she doesnt want to say no because she know I would be mad. I am just so upset abouth this. We are supposed to meet with the minster and Jen is supposed to come. She doesnt sound like she wants to do it just like its a pain. I am still not sure what to do. I dont feel like I can depend on her.

[SBETigg]

It is the best course of action to clear the air, but you want to be really careful not to come off as judgmental. Make it more of a "just checking in, we haven't had time to catch up lately" kind of talk then a "do you really want to be my MOH, because you haven't been acting like it" kind of talk. And then if she needs to reach out, she will. She may already have the impression that you don't approve of her new friendship and it could be pushing her away. Try to be open and feel her out before pointing out that you need her to be more present for you.

If she's going through something that she hasn't been burdening you with, you would be the bad friend to push her away right now. She might really need you. The fact that she is "not herself" to more than just you could be signaling that she probably needs a friend now, too, or will soon when it all comes down on her. If you're a true friend, you won't push and make it all about what she isn't doing for you. And if she's a true friend, she might need a little nudge to start coming through for you more. But there's a delicate balance you have to find between giving her that nudge without pushing her away.

In the meantime, work on the assumption that you need more help for the wedding. I know you only planned to have the MOH and best man, but maybe you could consider adding an attendant just to take the pressure off yourself or enlisting the aid of more family and friends who don't necessarily have to be in the wedding party.

And finally, the MOH is often just an honorary position in which the MOH stands up for you but doesn't really do much more than that. My MOH lived far away, and she really didn't do much up until the wedding day due to the distance. It could be (not saying it is) that your expectations are too high and you need to do more on your own. It's your wedding day. Don't get caught up in the drama and frustrations. Do what you need to do to make it an amazing, wonderful day for you and your future husband without letting the other stuff get in the way and bring you down.

[bleukarma]

If she's going through something that she hasn't been burdening you with, you would be the bad friend to push her away right now. She might really need you. The fact that she is "not herself" to more than just you could be signaling that she probably needs a friend now, too, or will soon when it all comes down on her. If you're a true friend, you won't push and make it all about what she isn't doing for you. And if she's a true friend, she might need a little nudge to start coming through for you more. But there's a delicate balance you have to find between giving her that nudge without pushing her away.



That is a good idea. At some point maybe you can talk to her and ask her if everything is ok. Tell her that you've noticed that she's been acting weird lately and you just want her to know that you are there for her if she needs you. Remind her that you guys have been friends for a long time and that if she needs anything then you will be here. Maybe if you come from this approach then she won't be defensive and she will open up to you about either something that really is bothering her or about her MOH duties. It might even help bring you guys closer together.

[offwego]

If your gut is telling you it's a problem...I would talk to her about it as honestly as you can as soon as you can.

My MOH did quit (as she was the only attendant the fact that one thing she had put off was picking her dress turned out not to matter). Slightly different circumstances (she and the BM who also backed out had broken up and they both seemed to feel this was a good solution).

At the end of it she didn't even attend although the former BM did and my DH was thrilled to have him there.

We ended up with my FIL standing up with my husband and my brother (no I didn't make him wear a dress) standing up with me. All in all it worked out just fine.

[2Epcot]

Others have given really good advice on how to handle the coversation. I will just say, that sometimes you just have to go ahead and make that change....the sooner the better. When we were getting married my wife had picked a really good friend for her MOH who lived in Chicago. She knew we were getting married in AZ, and all the other details and agreed to be the MOH. A few weeks before she backed out, saying it was too expensive and she would not be able to make it to the wedding. My wife took it better than I did, I felt she had made a commitment, and should keep it. We ended up using the wife of my wife's close friend who was already participating in the wedding. Luckily we had enough time, that the change went smoothly.

[NotaGeek]

As a soon to be best man, I honestly don't get it. I am very happy for the couple getting married. It's great, they are in love. But this isn't MY wedding. I am happily standing up for him, I bought $300 airline tickets, paying another $300 for a hotel room, using my precious vacation time to travel to South Bend, Indiana (really, WHAT?) -- an honestly, that's enough. I have been very honest that I won't be participating in any wedding planning stuff, and this past weekend was the co-bachelor/bachelorette party in Vegas that I opted out of (I did send them some strawberries and champagne to their room) because the rooms were $250 a night and HELLO Vegas in the summer is worse than Phoenix!

So, it's been OK. My friends know that I am honored to be the best man, but I am not into weddings, I don't want one, will never have one and I just don't think it's fair for the wedding party to expect their bliss and planning to have the same effect on everyone merely because they are part of the wedding.

BUT, I do agree with everyone, if your friend is not living up to what you think a Maid of Honor should be doing, and it has the potential to ruin your wedding, find someone else.

[PirateLover]

I really don't think this is a case of you expecting too much from her. I mean, if she offered to help you out with all of that, and then bailed, that is just terrible. From this point on though I wouldn't rely on her for anything. If she is having problems that she doesn't want to talk about, sometimes there isn't much you can do. Believe me I've been there. Hopefully she will come around but I think that she is being very selfish by not even calling you to let you know she isn't coming. You are right to feel a little steamed.

[tinkerbellybutton]

I think the advice about keeping the other friend out of the conversation is a good idea, not only might the MOH get defensive but also may see it as a jealousy thing. While I agree that she may be going through something right now I feel that friendship is give and take. I have had several "rough" times in my life but have not once slacked off or bailed out on a friend. This is your special day and you not only want her there but want her to want to be there and if she isn't showing that she's going to be a positive part of your special time then maybe it's time to move on. I don't think you should end the friendship but maybe you both could use a break. Right now you don't need the added stress of wondering if she'll come through for you, weddings are enough stress by themselves. The important thing is to follow your heart. If neither of you are happy then it's not doing either of you any good. Good luck and I hope that your special day is as perfect as it can be.

[Ms.Disney]

Thank you again everyone for your point of view. It has been VERY helpful. After we talked today and I asked her if she was sure that she wanted to be the MOH, (and she said yes.) She called me and said that she "cant" come to sign the marriage license....and she doesnt think she can come to the rehearsal. So I didnt get mad I just said well if you cant I understand. I know it sounds odd but it was like a relief. I think the only reason I felt like that is because I just didnt feel like I could %100 depend on her. I cant return the dress because it has been altered. But this afternoon I called a friend of mine told her what was going on and she is going to be the MOH. We went out and got a dress for her today. The other dress will be going on eBay. I hope Jen can get it together! I just wish I knew what was going on with her so maybe I could help her.

[crazypoohbear]

I'm so glad that you have a new MOH!
I hope everything goes smoothly from now on.

It seems to me that perhaps your old MOH might be imbibing in something these days?!

How could she say she wants to be MOH but not sign the marriage licence or attend the rehearsal?:confused:

Now that this chapter is over, go out to lunch with your new MOH, catch her up on what you need/expect from a MOH and have a wonderful wedding!:marg:

[SBETigg]

Thanks for the update. It sounds as if you handled the situation very well and you're being a great friend. I hope things turn out okay for her. The best news for you is that you can move on to your happy day without the added stress! Best wishes to you.

[thrillme]

It sounds like you've got things totally under control. Let the dress go on Ebay. Technically YES she should pay you for it regardless if she wants to follow through or not. BUT...you don't need the stress right now. It really isn't worth the fight.

If I could add one more TINY piece of advice.

Things go wrong at weddings. Expect them. I had two of my groomsmen not show up because they got stranded in New Mexico (we found out the day before the rehearsal), the ONLY bra I could wear with my wedding dress... my dear hubby-to-be came buy and picked up the "bags" while I was at the hair dressers and disappeared to some friend's house to get dressed...I couldn't find him ANYWHERE (result...a mad dash with two friends to Fredrick's of Hollywood to buy a new one), I was 15 minutes late to my wedding and not even dressed yet. Alas...the wedding didn't start without me :blush:

Regardless of the stuff that went right and the stuff that went wrong...on that day I was going to pledge to share my life with a man that I truly loved. Believe me...that is the ONLY thing that matters. There will be quite a bit of stress to come just stay focused on the main part...marrying the man you plan to share the rest of your life with. It sounds like he's going to be a VERY lucky lucky fellow.

[January-2007]

I don't have any advice, I just want to send lots of :pixie: :pixie: :pixie: hoping you can find a resolution to this problem. I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Good luck!

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I'm relieved to hear you have a new MOH. I just had a bad feeling about this whole situation.
I was MOH in a friend's wedding where I didn't approve of her choice of groom. But I was behind her 100%. I did all that was expected of that position and smiled while I did it. I kept my opinions to myself. It was her decision and I kept my 2 cents out of it. If you make a commitment to be there for a friend, be there! This girl is not a true friend. Regardless of whether she had/has something else going on in her life, she should not have done this to you. She may be feeling jealous of your happiness and this was her way of acting out. Too bad for her missing out on the honor of standing up with you.
I hope your wedding day is all that you hope it will be!

[Ms.Disney]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I still feel bad but there is just so many other things to worry about right now! I am just glad I have a MOR that I can count on.

[krose78]

If I could add one more TINY piece of advice.

Things go wrong at weddings. Expect them.

We forgot the ringbearer at home.:secret: He was 11yo but he was still upset. It was a I thought you had him, No I thought you had him moment. Nobody notice til 5min before ceremony was supposed to start.

[StitchLuvr]

We forgot the ringbearer at home.:secret: He was 11yo but he was still upset. It was a I thought you had him, No I thought you had him moment. Nobody notice til 5min before ceremony was supposed to start.

OH my gosh!! I hope he didn't have the rings!!

To the OP, I wish you and your fiance well....and I hope your wedding day is pure bliss! I'm glad you have a new MOH too. Best Wishes! :)

:groom::bride:

[rnin02]

Planning a wedding is so stressful...especially when you have to rely on other people and they start showing an unreliable side! My MOH was a little flaky on me, not as bad as yours, but it made my wedding day (and the weeks leading up to it) very stressful. She brought up throwing a bridal shower (I didn't care, if anything, was leaning towards not having one), but then when the time came, I had to do most of the work (once the invitations are out and RSVPs are in, you are pretty much stuck). Getting a dress was horrible...we finally got one a month before the wedding and I had to pay for it. She came to the rehearsal (and was staying that night at our house and going straight to the ceremony site the morning of the wedding) without shoes! Not forgetting shoes at home...hadn't bought any yet and didn't have a "back up" pair just in case. So, after the rehearsal dinner, before we could go back home and finish the bouquets and corsages,etc, (that we were behind on doing because she got to my house 4 hours later than our original plan) we had to run around to various walmarts looking for shoes. And there's more, but I won't bore anyone anymore...needless to say finding someone you can rely on is very important! I don't think a MOH or BM [I]has[I] to help with anything...but you should be able to count on them to show up and be prepared to sign the marriage license at least! Good luck with your upcoming wedding and marriage! And have fun on your honeymoon! We got married 9/9/06 and had a Disney honeymoon...it was the best!!!