Need Advice - Sensitive Subject

[Jezzup]

I am looking for help in how to handle a sensitive family issue. My sister died in 2009. Her daughter, my niece, is getting married in June. My sister and I have different fathers. She is from my mothers first marriage and I am from the second. My sisters father molested her when she was young. He died when she was ten. I don’t know when it started. My mother left him when my sister was two because of physical abuse.

My sister and mother were estranged for many years prior to my sisters death because of this. My sister thought my mother should have known this was going on. It apparently took place when he took her for visitation. My mother has told me she was not aware and would have protected her if she knew and I believe her. My sister told me she never actually told our mother when it was happening. She just thought she should have known.

The issue now is my mother has not been invited to the wedding. I don’t know whether I should decline as a show of support for my mother or whether I should attend. This is such a touchy subject that I don’t feel comfortable discussing with family and friends so I am reaching out to the Intercot family for help.

[princessgirls]

So so much sadness still affecting everyone.

Are you in contact with your niece? I think I would go if I was invited, to honor MY sister. The rest is not in any of your control.

Peace be with you.

Julie

[emerzmom]

This is a sensitive subject and unfortunately something that is all too common. I would go to the wedding to support your neice and honor your sister as I am sure she would want you to be there.
I hope your family can find some peace from all of this.

Julie

[1DisneyNut]

Go to the wedding if you would like. The reason why your mother was not invited is between your niece and your mother, not you. I would let them hash that out on their own.

If you feel it is appropriate and you are close enough with your niece, you might consider talking to the niece about it and see what she says. Just don't take sides.

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

I agree - I would go. I'm sorry there is such pain and strife, family stuff is never easy.

Enjoy celebrating with your niece, this is her day.

[SBETigg]

It depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mother and with your niece. Are you close to both? Closer to one or the other? Will your mother be hurt by your attendance? If you are close to your mom, but not as close to your niece, and you think your mom would be hurt, I would probably recommend not going. But otherwise, I would say to go.

[stephicakes]

I would also go. Go for your niece to show support and love for her on her big day. I agree that what happened was between your mom and sister. The best thing that you can do is to stay neutral and be there for support.

I am so very sorry for the sad things that have taken place and the hurt that everyone is going through. I hope your mom has sought out help to work through these deep issues. And I hope she can develop a relationship with your neice in the years to come. Healing can happen but it takes a lot of time and effort on everyone's part...

[Jezzup]

"If you are close to your mom, but not as close to your niece, and you think your mom would be hurt..."

This is a concern for me. I'm much closer to my mother than my niece. I'm sure she'll be hurt.

My sister has three children. The oldest and my mother have a close relationship. The middle child, who is getting married, does not talk to my mother anymore. This I believe is driven by the youngest child, my nephew, who seems to be the one that wants to keep the fractured relationships from healing. He has no relationship with any other family members other than his siblings. I was told by the oldest child that my nephew told my niece he would not attend if my mother was invited.

This has caused such a divide in the family that I don't see it ever mending.

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to respond. I do appreciate your input.

[1DisneyNut]

"If you are close to your mom, but not as close to your niece, and you think your mom would be hurt..."

This is a concern for me. I'm much closer to my mother than my niece. I'm sure she'll be hurt.

My sister has three children. The oldest and my mother have a close relationship. The middle child, who is getting married, does not talk to my mother anymore. This I believe is driven by the youngest child, my nephew, who seems to be the one that wants to keep the fractured relationships from healing. He has no relationship with any other family members other than his siblings. I was told by the oldest child that my nephew told my niece he would not attend if my mother was invited.

This has caused such a divide in the family that I don't see it ever mending.

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to respond. I do appreciate your input.

After reading this latest info, my opinion has changed. It may be best to just cut out the cancer in your family and drop all communications with them. Don't go to the wedding. Maybe one day they will grow up, if not, oh well, you don't have to deal with the nonsense.

[TheDuckRocks]

IMHO, I feel your attending or not should just be about the relationship between you and your niece. Are you close? Would you feel bad if you miss this? Would she feel bad if you aren't there?

[garymacd]

I think you should go. This may be the start of healing in your family. Explain it to your mother in this manner. I am sure she will understand and maybe even encourage this. Having her buy a small gift may also help the process.

[SBETigg]

Obviously, there are a few schools of thought and we're all feeling your difficulty with this decision. I think what you really need to consider is- do you want to be there. If you do, then you should go. Be true to you, and the people who love you should support you and try to understand. If you do something for someone else instead of following your own heart, you might have regrets. Good luck with this.

[Mrs Bus Driver]

Obviously, there are a few schools of thought and we're all feeling your difficulty with this decision. I think what you really need to consider is- do you want to be there. If you do, then you should go. Be true to you, and the people who love you should support you and try to understand. If you do something for someone else instead of following your own heart, you might have regrets. Good luck with this.

I agree, in the end your the one who has to live with your decision.

[VWL Mom]

I think what you really need to consider is- do you want to be there. If you do, then you should go. Be true to you, and the people who love you should support you and try to understand. If you do something for someone else instead of following your own heart, you might have regrets. Good luck with this.

[Jezzup]

Thank you again to everyone for the input. On a lighter note, what is an appropriate cash gift nowadays? I have not been to a wedding in quite some time. Right now, if I attend, it will just be me. I was planning on a gift of $200-$250. Is that amount okay and if I bring a date, should it be more?

[deedee73]

Here is my 2 cents...some of my family does not like my son's father despite the fact he is a great & supportive father & friend. We see him on a daily basis and all the family knows. This past year my cousin's child made her First Holy Communion. Because my cousin does not approve of my son's father he was excluded from the invite but yet everyone else was invited to the church & following luncheon. I was absolutely shocked & dismayed by her actions. This was a big deal to us bc we have attended other family functions together & there was never a problem. After discussing it with many people outside our family (and receiving many different ideas to an approach/response) one stuck out. The service itself was open to the public being that it was in a church. And since it meant so much to us we opted to attend only that portion and the luncheon which my cousin was picking up the tab we declined. My other attended the luncheon without us understanding why we were not in attendance. While my cousin was not thrilled with his presence she could not do anything bc again it was open to the public. It worked out for us bc we all got to see the special moment & we still did not go against my cousin with regards to the luncheon. I highly recommend attend similar option for you & your mother. It was such an obvious solution yet only one person came up with the idea. All in all have a plan with which you are comfortable with in the long run. On a side note, I think the monetary gift is appropriate. Good luck with your decision - I know how you are feeling, completely confused & torn & wanting to be supportive of everyone. Good luck & keep us posted with regards to your decision/outcome.

[kakn7294]

I was not going to post here but after reading the last reply, I felt I needed to. While deedee73's solution seems to make sense, it does go against the wishes of the bride who is the one celebrating this special day. Bringing the mother that she does not wish to be in attendance would likely upset her and possibly ruin her day. I wouldn't want to be the person responsible for that.

I think you should listen to your heart and do what you feel is best.

[SBETigg]

As far as monetary gifts, I think the rule of thumb is to at least make up for what they are paying to host you at their event and then some. So if you're solo, that would be less than if you're bringing someone. Also, no one likely has any idea what the bride and groom are paying per guest at their venue, but I researched the current national average and it's a staggering $220 per guest. Wow, right?

This means two people attending a wedding should be gifting $500-- and I sincerely doubt that is happening in a lot of cases. My sister just got married, and I know that they did not get a lot of gifts/cash compared to what they paid for their reception-- but it was fine with them. They were not in it for gifts but to share their day with people they love. So I would say to gift what makes you comfortable and I'm sure they will appreciate it. But if you have a lower limit to that, maybe reconsider bringing a guest.

[NJGIRL]

IMO.... your relationship with your niece is a totally different entity than your mom's relationship with her grand daughter. You should stay out of it and not pick a side. Go to the wedding in support of a girl who lost her mother...and let your mom handle her grand daughter in her own way.


This is the brides day please don't ruin it by bringing your mother to the church, not only will that upset the bride, but may put an end to your relationship with her as well.

[MNNHFLTX]

I am replying in regards to your question about monetary gift. I think $200-250 is more than enough as a gift, even if you bring a guest, but maybe ask around where you live, as it could be a regional thing. I know where I grew up (Minnesota) people gift less than that regardless of the amount spent on the reception. It's just not tied in like that. In fact, people are more likely to give gifts off of a registry than money.