advice- tough love?

[crazypoohbear]

So, long story short. I have an 18 year old, for several years now he's been surly, rude and disrespectful to me mostly but also to his older brother and father. I know he has a lot of anxiety but when I tried talking to him about it, he would tell me to F off, he doesn't have an attitude problem just a B for a mother etc. So tonight we go out to dinner, his brother, myself and himself. I try asking him questions about leaving for college in 2 weeks, who's going where, when they leave etc. It escalates as usual into him telling me to F off, "stop asking stupid questions etc" I end up telling the waitress to put his meal on a separate check. I told him I'm not paying for his meal, I'm not driving him home and he can find another place to spend the night. I'm done! I paid for myself and my older son and we left,left the 18 year old there.
Was I wrong?
I just can't take his attitude any longer.
I told him during the course of the very long dinner that I would not put up with his behavior because "women who put up with this have a name and it's called an abused woman, and I am not an abused woman, Good luck on your own, this is tough love, don't bite the hand that feeds you"
I feel what I did was the right thing, but I am worried about leaving him across town.
How would you handle an rude "adult"

[Pirate Granny]

Sorry to hear, but sometimes you have to make a stand...tonight is it...hope perhaps your son will come to his senses...if not, my brother gave me these words of wisdom...you can build the best boat possible, but they have to sail it...it's out of your hands....

[GA girl]

I don't have any advice but I think you did the right thing and wish you lots of luck. Tough love is so hard to do. I have been told by my daughter's therapist that is what needs to be done sometimes but I just can't seem to follow through. So I am proud of you.
My 19 year old "adult" daughter can be so disrespectful and mean. It breaks your heart when someone you love so much thinks nothing of hurting you.
Hang in there. Everyone told me it would get better, that she would grow up and realize what she was doing was wrong. Sometimes I think that she will, but then the wind will change and she is back to being hateful and I am the b and everything is my fault.
Good luck and know that you are only doing what is best for him.

[Cinderelley]

I think you did the right thing. He is old enough to find his way back home if he wants to. My oldest got so bad that I wound up kicking him out. He wound up sharing an apartment with a friend, but then straightened up and came home. 5 years in the Navy later, he is a completely different person. He finally realized what family really meant when he couldn't be with us.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

He called a friend and made it home safe and sound. I went over and tried to mediate. I know he has a lot of anxiety and is probably scared spitless about leaving home. So he's lashing out at my sister. I told them both that they need to find another way to communicate because this isn't working for them. I don't know what else I can do to help.

ps: I would have gone and picked him up and had offered to. But he walked in the house as I was pm'ing her.

Hopefully once he's off at college, he'll realize how good he has it at home and will learn to appreciate it more. He's also taking communications as a major. So maybe he'll learn to "communicate" better too And yes I know it's a different type of communications but I can hope can't I?

[Zippy 1]

Tough love is a hard thing for a parent to do. We have gone through some of it with my DD 19. We have told her that if she does not like our rules she can find someplace else to live. Letting her know if she moves out all her bills are up to her including the beloved cell phone. She acts up sometimes but knows I mean business. She spent a week having to find a way to school ( community college) and work. Not as easy as it sounds we live in the country about 10 miles from town. She sure did change her attitude about being able to use mom's car. Hang in there hopefully it will work

[1DisneyNut]

You did the right thing. I had to do the exact same thing with a step son. I actually didn't even speak to him for around 2 years. I told him I won't tolerate the nonsense and when he grows up some to holla at me. After a couple of years, he "holla-ed." lol

He is now a Junior in college and college has been a real eye opener. After a few classes where the professor more or less gave him the "you are a grown up now....I don't care you, deal with it" remark when he would get an attitude about some school work, he finally started to realize that his attitude wasn't doing him any favors. College does a lot more than just teach you what is in the text books. It has gone a long way towards maturing him and has completely changed his attitude. If your son or step son (whichever the case may be) stays in college into at least junior level, I will almost guarantee you there will be a reversal of the bad attitude.

[DizneyRox]

i would have changed the locks too before he got home...

[Mrs Bus Driver]

Believe or not the attitude is a pretty normal part of growing up. Not everyone goes through it but many do, according to scientists its in the genes. Testing authority is what they do in order to learn their limits and to start being their own person. I know it doesn't make it any easier to go through my son knew how to test me. But he did grow up eventually and became a kind and well liked person. As others have said hang in there, it may take a while but it will get better.

[joonyer]

When he calls you from jail, don't bail him out.
I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds like its way past time for him to endure the consequences of his actions. I know, I come from a different generation, but if I had ever spoken to my mother like that, my dad would have well, you know what.
When this kind of behavior is tolerated, you only get more of it.

[PirateLover]

Attitude is one thing, but cursing out a parent and calling them awful names is another. I fought with my parents as a teen/young adult but can only remember maybe 2 or 3 times I said really really nasty things to them, and I immediately regretted it. I think you did the right thing.

[MississippiDisneyFreak]

I was having some similar problems with my son. My sister is a mental health therapist and got him into see a therapist and psychiatrist. It turns out on medication he does very well and his attitude is much more respectful towards us. The problem is making sure he takes his medication. He got off his meds for a few weeks and was back to the same attitude. We are back on track again now.

I say try to talk him into seeing someone it may be he has problems that can be treated medically. We also made it clear to him that if he doesn't stay in school, keep his grades up and treat us with respect that he needs to find another place to live. Good luck.:(

[VWL Mom]

i would have changed the locks too before he got home...

:thumbsup:

[TheDuckRocks]

Good for you! My 2 sons both had a "tough love" time from their dad and me when they were about that age. After 30+ years I can now look back on it and find it hard to believe we ever were in that spot. DH and I are fine, sons are fine and I think we're all better for it.

[Maggie T]

If you want my 2 cents worth, the first time he swore at me would have been his last. That just didn't start recently and that attitude should have been put on check before that meal. I understand times have changed but I would not tolerate it. You did the right thing, don't give in stand your ground, you deserve it. He will change and hopefully understand he was wrong. If all else fails maybe he will have a few kids like himself someday and it will be payback time. Stay strong.

[MNNHFLTX]

The need for an 18-year-old to become independent, to "separate" from their parents is normal, the degree that your son is taking it to is not, IMO. There may be more going on than typical teen attitude. I think you did the right thing but I think you have to take it a step further.

As a parent, you have the right to set rules and consequences (yes, even at his age) and he needs to have you follow-through on enforcing them. First and most important rule--you and every member of the family deserves to be treated with respect. It's imperative that everyone in the family is on the same page with this. I assume you are financially supporting him through college? If the behavior continues, I would make this support contingent on him agreeing to family counseling. Sitting down with a third party may make it possible for you both to interact without falling into the old patterns. And you might be surprised at what is going on in his head and in his life. My sister and BIL's son (they have three other girls) was very much like this at that age. When they finally got him to agree to counseling as a 19-year-old, they found out that he had (unbeknownst to them) been bullied for years in junior and senior high school and was severely depressed. The couseling helped them understand what was going on and how to help him. Today at 31 years of age, he is a quiet but kind man, and has been a very caring son to my sister, who was recently diagnosed with cancer.

[crazypoohbear]

Thanks for all the advice. He called a friend for a ride home and has been quietly avoiding me for a few days. But when he does talk to me he is respectful, so far. As for therapy we have tried that a few times. He feels I think he's crazy and gets offended when I have suggested it. I have told him everyone needs a therapist and they help you talk through things and find a better way. "No, you think there's something wrong with me!" He had been bullied in school before and I did step in and got it taken care of. He has never liked talking about feelings and won't tell me he's feeling anxious about school or anything else. Since toddlerhood he has been afraid of change and when I try to discuss this with him he gets mad and lashes out. Then I get mad and the fighting starts!
I guess I just need God's grace to help me keep calm and keep my mouth shut! But, to stay strong when he acts out!
If you could spare a prayer or two, please pray that he makes a nice adjustment to college and learns better coping skills!
He really is a nice, very bright boy and away from me everyone says he is courteous, polite and respectful.
He's just needs to boost his self esteem and confidence.
Thank you again

[SBETigg]

I'm sorry you're having some rough times with your son right now. I think sometimes moms are easy targets because they know we love them no matter what, but it can be a real challenge. Thinking of you, hoping it all goes well.

[barnaby]

I went through this with my daughter this time last year before her senior year of high school. She was lying to us and generally being disrespectful. This wasn't something new, and was something we had dealt with for 2-3 years. She was taking medication and also seeing a therapist.
But it came to head last August. I played nice because we were heading to WDW for vacation (she was supposed to do, but changed her mind). We came back from vacation and said enough is enough and basically threw her out. She spent the next 5 months living with different friends of hers. Then in February after getting into a fight and getting her nose broke, she moved back home. The time on her own made her realize what she had, and alot changed with her attitude and behavior. She has since moved out this past July but it was on good terms and the door is open for her to move back in if it doesn't work out for her.