Family Venting! LONG

[DVC2004]

Forgive me- I am really not a terrible person, really I'm not! I need to vent. Some of you might have seen me bring up the topic of my in laws before here.Sometimes I really do have to stop in think is it me? Or is it them? Or both lol.

Husband's sister has always been a trip. It's one of those things where she really has nothing to do with us/our kids, but over the years has expected the world for her kids (our nieces). We have always done for the kids be it birthday presents, attending dance shows, talking with them, sleepovers etc. Normal stuff you do in a family for your neices/nephews. Just making them feel loved (but also enjoying them ourselves not doing out of obligation!). However, SIL really and truly sees no reason to have a relationship with our boys, her nephews, as according her she and her brother (DH) "were never close." Funny that she forgets all the times we have been part of her life over the years.

We've tried to distance ourselves for a while because we made it clear ot her it was hurtful to us, and she didn't care. We stayed away, but still had a relationship with her girls. She then came to us a few years back around Christmas and said she wanted us all to be part of eachothers lives again. We let it go, put it in the past and it was OK for a while...then back to the same thing as before.

In the past year she blew off both the kids birthdays and my oldest's 8th grade graduation. We were hurt. Our oldest has an autism spectrum disorder and has worked very, very hard in his young life. We were all very proud of his accomplishment of graduating. She called and left a message saying congrats. It was sad to all of us that she couldn't have taken a few minutes to visit, speak to him over the phone, or even send a card. We didn't say much. At the same time a long lost relative on their side had come into her life and I guess she didn't have time for us.


So fast forward to this year and again she forgot their birthdays ( by forget I mean doesn't call even). I posted something on FB with no specifics but saying I was sad /hurt and she messages me to say Oh oops I forgot again- but again saying what do we expect she was never close with DH. We haven't talked since.

Now- she is involved with a new guy and of course is involved in his causes and interests. She is cohositing a benefit for of all things, Autism awareness. Wow do I laugh or cry? I already declined the invite, which makes me feel bad, because of my son this is so personal a cause to me and my husband. But she is not going to use my son as a prop! I can just imagine her out there telling everyone she cares about autism because of her dear nephew!!!

Grrr. :mad: I guess I should be happy for her that she finally cares about something.

[Aurora]

Ugh. So sorry for you. I've had to deal with difficult and manipulative family members and friends, and you can only keep getting kicked in the stomach for so long before you check out.

It's not your or your kids' fault that she's a self-centered loser. Try to grow a thick skin when it comes to her and put on the show face, but don't let her get to you. Think Mickey thoughts! :mickey:

[Itchy]

Sorry for you and your family. There are a lot of people just like her out there. I have a sister-inlaw that is about the same way. To sum it up quickly she is a user and will expect others to make her feel good when she needs it but will not return the favor or attention when the shoe is on the other foot.

Bottom line she is really not part of the family and the way she has hurt my daughters in the past we really dont want anything to do with her unless we must communicate.

I would say your nieces probaby appreciate your attention to them and will in the future communicate with you in a positive way.

Hang in there as you know you can't fix stupid.:blush:

[BriarRose0708]

I am sorry that she is a source of stress for you and your family! My dad is like this, and my sister and I have learned to just take what we can get when he feels like acting like a father. We don't feel we owe him anything. Your nieces are so lucky to have caring family members like you and your DH! Hang in there!

[diz_girl]

Obviously she is a selfish, self-centered person. She is the type of person that always puts her own wants and needs first, probably even before her own children's needs. Of course, stay involved with your nieces, but don't expect her to want to or try to be involved in your son's lives in any way, shape, or form, because she doesn't want that.

Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you agonizing over a person who obviously doesn't care a thing about your family? I know that she's your husband's sister, she isn't giving this or you a second thought. You've tried to involve her and she doesn't want to be involved. You've told her that it's hurtful and she doesn't care. She isn't going to change, so just move on.

I know that you want her to be involved with your son's lives, but maybe you shouldn't try, as it may just dissapoint them when she never shows up to anything where you've invited her or forgets about their birthdays. Just try to mention her as little as possible, and if your sons bring up her name, maybe you can explain the situation to them in terms that they will understand (she's not nice, she only cares about herself, she's selfish, etc.) It's kind of harsh, but it's better than having your sons think that she doesn't like them or that it's their fault in some way.

Good luck.

[DVC2004]

Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you agonizing over a person who obviously doesn't care a thing about your family? I know that she's your husband's sister, she isn't giving this or you a second thought. You've tried to involve her and she doesn't want to be involved. You've told her that it's hurtful and she doesn't care. She isn't going to change, so just move on.

I don't take this the wrong way - you are right. I need to just let it go and accept it for what it is. I do stay away from her in particular and have un-friended her on facebook. That is really the only link to her right now besides the girls of course, and we try just to call them directly on their own phones now that they are older and bypass her altogether. When she messaged me earlier this summer, about the birthday, I pretty much left it. I told my husband just so he was aware and that was it. I know it will never change. LOL- the benefit thing really hit home for me, because it was like really? NOW you care about autism? But I realize even in this she probably doesn't and is just doing it to look good for the new guy who does or fit in with some people who do.

Overally in the grand scheme of life it probably doesn't matter much. I love my boys and have been the best parent/mom I can be to them, and I have always been good to her girls (genuinely, too). And they know that. I sleep fine at night.

[SBETigg]

If it makes you feel any better, she probably doesn't care about the cause, just the guy, so you're right to decline on more than one level. Not that it's encouraging.

But, I know what it's like to have toxic people in my life and you're right to distance yourself and put yourself in a space where these people (this person) can't hurt you or your family. She's obviously lacking in self-awareness let alone awareness of how she affects others. I know it feels bad to do it and you harbor some hope that she will come around and be a good sister/aunt/SIL but that's probably not in the cards.

In the end, you can only just keep being the best person you can be and rise above it. And sure, vent to us. I'm sorry you've been hurt and had to put up with her, but know that you have genuine people who do love you in your life and you don't need that toxicity. Isn't it odd, though, that people we thought could no longer surprise or rattle us still find a way?

[DVC2004]

Isn't it odd, though, that people we thought could no longer surprise or rattle us still find a way?

Yes!

[MNNHFLTX]

Your hurt feelings are understandable--you opened yourself up again to a relationship with this woman and she let you down. I have a somewhat similar sister-in-law situation (husband's sister). She has many personality flaws (IMO), not the least of which is self-centeredness. We, too, have limited our interaction with her because of this and (frankly) our lives are more peaceful without her in it. Sad to say, but true.

There's nothing you can do to change her behavior, but you can change how you react to it. Instead of keeping a scorecard, just try to live your lives the way that's right for you, whether or not she reciprocates. Stay in touch with your nieces and nephews, continue to give them love--not for her sake, but for theirs and because that's the kind of person you want to be, no matter what kind of person she is being. In time, you will find peace. Or you can keep coming here and venting, that's okay too. :)

[Daisy'sMom]

Family is like pebbles in one's shoe. At least that is how I feel about my inlaws.
Look at it this way, at least something good might come out of her "me attitude". Take a deep breath and consider the source. As someone once said, " and this too shall pass". :mickey:

[princessgirls]

It's so hard....

I have many struggles with my inlaws, and I honestly at this point don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. It's NOT the kids fault, but at the same time, my kids are always ignored, and that hurts me.

We are down to a text/occasional phone call with the niece and nephews, and Facebook. Nothing with the parents.
I feel mostly bad for my husband whose family it is, and my kids. I have a good supportive fun family that all live close by, but it is hurtful, and that festers. I dread the day when we have to be together. The oldest nephew is engaged, and a wedding will be in the future.
Good Luck with your situation.
Julie:mickey:

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

In my dysfunctional family, we always say that if it's like a cancer, eating away at you, cut it out of your life. It sounds like that's what is needed here. Your SIL sounds like one of my sisters, she was a chameleon who changed herself to suit whoever her boyfriend of the moment was.

And hopefully the niece and nephews will remember all you've done for them and all the times you've been there for them and will keep the door open to maintaining a relationship that doesn't have to involve the SIL anymore than necessary.

And I would definitely go for the nephew's wedding because that is something he will, hopefully, appreciate and love you for. Just don't have any more contact with her during it than you have to. Go and enjoy this celebration for him and his bride.

[Mousefever]

You know, your nieces are now old enough that they are starting to see things as they are. I'm sure that they've felt like they're not as important to their mom as they should be. You keep giving them support and a soft place to fall, and you will end up with a deeper relationship with them than they might even have with their own mother. Not that one upping her is the goal, but just the reward of the great relationship with your nieces.

Amy