How to deal with different spending styles?

[Dulcee]

Am I completely overreacting?

My fiance and I have lived together for going on two years. He's a spender. I'm a saver. We've known this for a long time.

We own a house together. We've talked about combining bank accounts but because of our different styles (and me admitting to be a control freak) we've kept them separate. Again, due to my type A personality, I pay (as in physically write the check) most of the household bills so that I'm not up at night wondering if he remembered to pay them. He pays his car bill and our gas cards, always on time, from his own account. He gives me X dollars a month towards them, no problems there.

My problem arises with his frivolous spending. We're getting married in October. Every spare cent I have is going into savings for this wedding. About a year ago he bought a brand new flat screen tv and hid it from me. I found it. Major blow up over it. Found out at the same time a few months prior he had a "fun" modification to his car. Again, hid it from me. We agreed above $50 we need to discuss purchases. A few months ago he wanted to join his department's hockey team,$200 out of his meager savings account towards it. This isn't what savings are for, but I grudgingly agreed. Since it had to be paid upfront we agreed he'd pay it back slowly. Hasn't done it. Same thing happened when he had to pay for his tuition out of pocket this semester for an online course.

Then this morning I walk into his office and he's purchasing a set of lights for his police car. We had talked about him getting these lights about two weeks ago. Then we visited his father, a retired cop, who gave him his. On our way home we had a great conversation about how now that he had those he wouldn't buy additional, the extra money would go towards a credit card that needed to be paid down before the promotional rate expired and costs us more money. But he didn't. He bought the lights anyway. And I can guarantee if I hadn't walked in I wouldn't have found out about it until they showed up.

I can't do it. It makes me so angry I explode. I feel like on his list of priorities his "fun" items comes before the house, before the animals, before the wedding, before me. If he wants it he gets it. Me, I get no fun money, because every spare cent in the household budget goes into savings, to pay for our wedding.

I just don't know how to talk to him about it. I've tried the $50 or above we need to agree. I've tried the if you want this you need to save up overtime money AND talk to me about it. I've tried sitting him down and making him look at the household budget to realize that any extra money is sorely needed right now, our bills are all paid and we have an emergency cushion but WE want to do things like take a vacation, or put an addition on, or pay down our student loans . Nothing sinks in. All he says is if I tell you about it before hand you say the money needs to go here or here or here or you just say no. And in six months he'll find another "toy" he needs and it'll happen all over again.

I know I over save. I know one or two fun purchases during the year isn't a huge deal, its not like he's wracking up credit card debt or not making his bill payments. I know I don't spend money easily but this doesn't seem fair anymore. And I need to figure out how to approach this calmly, rationally and with something we can both live with. Its the only thing in our relationship we ever really argue over and I'm tired of it blowing up every few months.

[Wayne]

Considering that money is one of the major points of arguments in a marriage, I suggest pre-marital counseling either with a pastoral counselor or with a community agency. If you are getting married in the church your pastor will either conduct such counseling or refer you to someone who does.

This is the type of thing that needs to be resolved before going into the marriage. It already appears to be a major irritant and it certainly won't go away when you say "I do."

Best of luck.

[Scar]

Pre counseling sounds like a must.

It already appears to be a major irritant and it certainly won't go away when you say "I do."There's an old saying that goes, "Every woman thinks her man will change after marriage, but they don't..."

There's a second part to it but I'll keep my mouth shut.;)

[Disney 1985]

I agree with Wayne. My husband and I saw a licensed marriage and family therapist and our pastor for counseling before we got married. We discussed everything from money to how we would spend our free time. They were able to identify some of the bigger things that we would have issues with, and help us learn how to deal with those problems. They were very honest with us, and I am so thankful for their help.

It is so important to discuss these things before you get married. Marriage is hard work, and if you already know what you will struggle with and how to work on those things, it can make a huge difference.

[dnickels]

One strategy would be to have one joint acct and two separate accounts. Have say 80% of each of your paychecks auto-deposited to the joint account and 20% auto-deposited to your respective separate accounts. The personal accounts belong to that person to use as they wish, the joint acct is only for household expenses / savings / joint purchases / etc. No one should be making individual withdrawals from the joint account for personal expenses in any way.

He sounds like the type of person who will spend what they have, whether it's 20 bucks or 20,000 bucks so I think the best bet is to make it so he only has a small amount to begin with. (I know that sounds like treating him like a child, but frankly some people could use more of that).

Whatever you do, get it figured out before tying the knot. Marriage is as much of a financial bind to each other as it is a religious / spiritual / legal one. :twocents:

[SBETigg]

The key to a successful relationship is compromise and trust. It can't just be all your way or, as you've experienced, he will just sneak off to do what he wants. But this raises red flags for me, that he would act behind your back on something you disagree on. I think you need to really think about going forward with someone who would do this.

The financial issues can be worked out. The trust issue would be a major problem for me. I'm sure you love him and you want to work it out. The premarital counseling and financial suggestions from previous posters are sound advice. I wish you the best.

[GAN]

One strategy would be to have one joint acct and two separate accounts. Have say 80% of each of your paychecks auto-deposited to the joint account and 20% auto-deposited to your respective separate accounts. The personal accounts belong to that person to use as they wish, the joint acct is only for household expenses / savings / joint purchases / etc. No one should be making individual withdrawals from the joint account for personal expenses in any way.

He sounds like the type of person who will spend what they have, whether it's 20 bucks or 20,000 bucks so I think the best bet is to make it so he only has a small amount to begin with. (I know that sounds like treating him like a child, but frankly some people could use more of that).

Whatever you do, get it figured out before tying the knot. Marriage is as much of a financial bind to each other as it is a religious / spiritual / legal one. :twocents:

I think this is the best advise -sure counseling will help, but it may not "change" either one of you. It sounds like your fiance "hides" things because he knows what your reaction will be; regarding the over $50 limit, it sounds like you might reject most of his suggestions. If you give him his own personal account, like suggested then he knows what he has and can decide for himself what is frivolous. I don't think it is fair for you to decide for him. Although, I must admit -I like your style!

[BrerGnat]

Get him involved with paying the bills. He needs to know how much money is going out every month in bills vs. what is coming in.

Frankly, it seems that this wedding is not that important to him. Is that the case? Would he be just as happy to elope? If so, then you have to realize that YOU are spending a lot of money on something "fun" that you want to do. What if he doesn't want a big wedding?

I think the joint checking account is a must (along with the individual "fun money" savings accounts).

However, I also agree that this seems to be a huge problem in your relationship, and the sneaking around buying stuff that he "shouldn't" is a MAJOR red flag. I really do hope you can work things out in a way that suits you both, because fighting over money issues is very common and the number one indicator in many divorces.

Some counseling and a LOT of introspection into the longevity of this relationship is needed, at the minimum.

Good luck. I hope you are able to figure out a solution.

[Dulcee]

Thanks for all the thoughts and suggestions

We did sit down and talk last night after I had calmed down some. For the first time he volunteered to return the item ordered, not the perfect fix but he felt that since we had agreed to talking about things over $50 it wasn't right for him to keep the item. It was also the first time I was really honest about the spending making me feel like I wasn't a priority and that seemed to be an eye opener to him.

We also talked about the fun money and separate account idea, something he had brought up in the past. And I had really nixed each time because I'd rather "save" my fun money most times then spend it. But as he pointed out, what I do with mine is up to me. And since my problem is not him spending but rather spending money I've mentally earmarked for something else it may help some of the stress there and him feeling like he doesn't have control over what he can spend.

And we are doing a premariatal counseling via our pastor. In our pre quiz thing we aligned on everything, kids, religion, morals, problem solving etc except for money spending style so we both knew we'd need to work through it.

Oh and as for wanting the wedding, he wanted it! I wanted to elope. And he's been awesome at planning out the big things for money (caterer, venue etc) its the small things (favors, rings, etc) that are adding up and weren't budgeted for that created my saving craze. After talking through those things last night he seems to realize just how much "extra" costs will pop up that aren't related to the big items. I'm an admitted type A and use to being the one who takes care of things, without asking for help. I need to be upfront about things I that I might just assume he knows, and he realized he needs to ask to be involved in it, because I have a hard time asking for help.

Thanks again all. He's a good guy, as a cop he's honestly the one who's always trying to take care of everyone else, and in my own frustration I don't think that came out.

[A Big Kid]

Advice from a guy married 24 years, for what it is worth:

Dont do the separate account thing. Just dont. Even if you have a common account and two separate accounts. The separate accounts will only cause suspiscion and misery.

Have one account but make a rule that if either of you are spending over XXX amount of money, there needs to be a mutual agreement. No agreement, no purchase. You two will learn the art of compromise over this.

Now down to brass tacks. Is it possible that your spouse-to-be doesnt understand the ramifications of not spending wisely and not saving? It might be a good time to look at some web sites -together- that "educate" the reader on how much a few bucks spent here and there add up to major bucks later.

Brassier tacks: If ya'll dont get this under control now, it will cause all sorts of problems later, I am afraid to say. Good Luck!

[Wolf]

The hiding thing is cause for concern I think, I think you should talk to someone before you continue onto the path of marriage, just to get things settled with a outside source you your Fiance will have to hear your side and maybe it will get through to him that way. Good luck!

[Belle of the Ball 051411]

My DH and I have been married almost a year (living together for almost 4 years). We have separate accounts (banking and credit cards) and we each have bills we are responsible for. (We do have an idea of what the other has in their account though; open communication is very important.)

I like to spend (although not crazily) while he likes to save. Having separate accounts for us works well. I never want to feel guilty about eating lunch out or buying a new pair of shoes, etc.; after all, it's my money that I make. To me it would almost be weird to have to consult anyone about if I'm allowed to buy something or not. Bottom line, we each know what we owe each month for bills, what we want to save and how much we have as fun money. We do trust each other we simply just like keeping our bank accounts separate for now. (We got married a little older than the typical age so I think we were both use to doing things a certain way; this may all change when we have kids and if I decide to stay home.)

I'm glad you are doing premarital counseling and he is aware of how we has made you feel. Communication and trust are the secrets to a happy marriage. Best of luck to you!

[BrerGnat]

Advice from a guy married 24 years, for what it is worth:

Dont do the separate account thing. Just dont. Even if you have a common account and two separate accounts. The separate accounts will only cause suspiscion and misery.


I was going to say the same thing. I've only been married half as long as you, but I do not ever understand how a married couple can have separate bank accounts. Separate retirement accounts? Certainly. Separate investment accounts? Perhaps. But, to me, the entire concept of marriage is "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours." There should be no need to separate money, but I can see how sometimes, it's necessary. What's better, though, is learning to be responsible with money TOGETHER.

I do all the bills and financial stuff in our household. DH is military, so he's been gone a lot, so I HAVE to know how to do this stuff and be in charge of it. However, he also knows to ask me when he wants to buy a big ticket item (over $50). He will simply ask me, "Can we afford this right now?" Sometimes, the answer is yes, other times, it's no, and often it's "not this month, but you can get it next month." When you have children in the mix, there's a whole lot less "fun" money after you are done providing for them every month. It's about priorities.

[Mickey'sGirl]

19 years married here .... we maintain TWO joint accounts. One receives our paycheques and from it we pay all of our bills etc. The second one is used as a current account. After I review the budget, I transfer X amount into our current account. From that we pay for groceries, gas, fun stuff etc. When it's gone, it's gone until next pay. When it's not all used up, there's a little extra play money for the next period. We also discuss most purchases ... not in a "Honey can I?" way, but in a "How does this fit into our budget?" way. It has worked for us, even through my husband's unemployment.

[diz_girl]

As pps have mentioned, it is the trust, rather than the spending, that it the biggest issue. But it's good that you had the conversation. Him having his own account is a great idea, as giving him a $50 limit before he has to go to "mommy" (i.e. you) to approve the purchase doesn't make him feel that great or a real partner in the relationship. Would he have to get your approval to buy a pair of shoes? Is he a child with an allowance? No, but he may feel that he's being treated like a child so he is acting childish by hiding his purchases. Please don't be offended by my saying this, but it happens more than you think.

As for separate accounts, it all depends on the two people involved. DH and I have been married for 16 years and we have joint accounts for our joint expenses and separate accounts for our own stuff (cars, etc). We both have full-time jobs that are somewhat close in income, although he makes more. I didn't get on his case when he bought his 'toy' in the garage, because if he can pay for it from his own money and it doesn't negatively affect me and, then fine. I know that I couldn't deal with a $50 threshhold, because I don't want to be questioned on why it costs $75 for a haircut, or $60 for face cream, or even more for a massage or facial. My sister, on the other hand, has only joint accounts and thinks I'm crazy for having separate accounts. But she and her husband have always had some sort of income inequality during their marriage. First, she made more while he attended school, now he makes more and she is a SAHM. It' just depends on your personalities and your situation.

[Ian]

First off, this post could have been written by my wife lol. We're going on 12 years married and sometimes I'm surprised she hasn't killed me yet. But she's a good sport, for the most part so ... ;)

To me, I'd say the biggest issue here is the hiding of the spending. That's a giant red flag to me. If you'll hide purchases from your fiancee before you're even married, what's it going to be like 10 years from now? What else will you hide? Remember, hiding is lying disguised as something else.

I'd definitely press the counseling issue ... maybe even beyond the marriage.

[White Rose]

Honestly, I would also go with the separate accounts and the one joint account. I know a lot of people on here have said they couldn't imagine having separate accounts with their spouse/partner but you really have to do what works best for you as a couple. Even though I have yet to be in a relationship, I have NO desire to combine my finances with someone beyond a joint account where joint bills are paid. I'm also a saver by nature and because I work in the financial industry, I can't tell you how many times I've seen couples who have joint accounts on EVERYTHING and than if they get divorced how complicated and messy everything can get.

I also have seen some couples who manage to do it right with being joint on everything, but I've also seen couples where neither person knows what the other hand is doing and they're BOTH handling bills. All I've seen that lead to is negative balances and checks bouncing.

Do what works best for you but in today's day and age, it's completely normal for couples to have separate accounts. You never truly know what the future may hold and you want to be prepared no matter what.

[IloveJack]

I know a ton of people have given their opinion, but I guess one more won't hurt. I've been married for almost 7 years. I teach, and one of my classes is "Family living," which basically prepares Juniors and Seniors for life beyond high school within the realm of marriage. One of the first things we discuss is "There are two things EVERY man and wife fight over, and most things they fight over fall under these two categories: sex and money."
My parents have separate accounts and my mother warned me not to do it. She wouldn't, if she could convince my father to give his up. There's this constant, "What's he hiding? What's he buying? Why won't he share his money?," thing going through her mind. So my husband and I have one joint account. All the money goes there. Now, yes, I tend to it all. Mostly because he doesn't want the responsibility of the bills and keeping track of the account. And yes, it stinks on both sides when there isn't enough money for something unnecessary. He hates being told no, and I hate being the party pooper. However, there are needs and children involved. We talk it out and move on. I wouldn't get separate accounts if I were you.


To me, I'd say the biggest issue here is the hiding of the spending. That's a giant red flag to me. If you'll hide purchases from your fiancee before you're even married, what's it going to be like 10 years from now? What else will you hide? Remember, hiding is lying disguised as something else.

And this... yeah, I agree. Take it from a woman who's been lied to and chose to stay in the marriage. Ian's right; believe him. I'm not trying to talk you out of marriage. Just wanting you to talk things out, AND put them into practice, before the marriage.

[A Big Kid]

Even though I have yet to be in a relationship, I have NO desire to combine my finances with someone beyond a joint account where joint bills are paid.

Circular logic? Catch 22?

If and when you are in a relationship to the extent that you would share EVERYTHING with the other person, including your last breathe, I dont think you could conceive of not combining finances.

Every marriage I ever saw that did not share finances was a brief one.

The thought of "marriage" without sharing everything, to me, is no marriage at all.

[minnie04]

I think this is the best advise -sure counseling will help, but it may not "change" either one of you. It sounds like your fiance "hides" things because he knows what your reaction will be; regarding the over $50 limit, it sounds like you might reject most of his suggestions. If you give him his own personal account, like suggested then he knows what he has and can decide for himself what is frivolous. I don't think it is fair for you to decide for him. Although, I must admit -I like your style!

I strongly agree I have a separate account then my DH and it works out PERFECT!!! (Going on 21 years) I know exactly what I have and how much I can spend and he has no say so in what I buy and I have no say so in what he buys( of course it’s not in a mean way) with our own money. (Example)If I want to buy GOLD Mickey Mouse ears for the whole family then so be it. And If I’m broke the next day that’s on me. As long as my house bills are paid .

It sounds like no matter what he thinks is important you will shoot it down. To be honest that would drive me crazy if every time I wanted something I had to "ASK" I might hide things too. I hope you find a happy medium and make it work... We did right in the beginning and never had a problem since...Good luck