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Stitchahula
06-23-2011, 05:45 PM
I had started to write about our MAW trip but I can't seem to find it in me to anymore. I might later but right now it just all seems like a big fat lie. Little did I know that while we were away on this incredible magic trip my husband was all set up in another place, complete with furniture. The week after we got home he had his lawyer file divorce papers. He just told me the other day, so I wouldn't be surprised when the guy shows up to serve me. He had been planning this for months and give me a couple of days notice so I wouldn't be surprised, I was floored (literally, I sank to the floor and started to throw up). He already has the temporary custody all set I should get them in a couple of weeks he said. I get the kids during the week and he gets them on weekends. Oh so I get them when they are in school and he gets all the free time, sounds fair right:mad:. I just don't know what to do. I had no idea this was coming. We've had our problems but we weren't even fighting lately. I thought we were on our way to building our marriage up again, spending more time together, boy was I mistaken. I feel like such a fool. Is this how these things are done? Is it normal to completely blind side the spouse like this? If you are wondering why it came to this it's because of his family. We don't get along and I don't trust them around my kids. They've proven to me on a number of occasions that they think nothing of my childrens safety or well being. I never stopped them for seeing the kids (which they hardly ever do) I just have said I wanted to be there to keep an eye on my kids. Thanks for letting me vent.

DisneyMom12
06-23-2011, 06:02 PM
Coreen, I am so sorry you are going through this. What a terrible way to find out. I would get my own lawyer asap, and get a better visitation schedule in place. ( Hugs)

paulsheri
06-23-2011, 06:26 PM
The mid life crisis, I hear so many stories about the Husband Leaving the wife, in their early 40's, but I never hear the Wife Leaving because of it. Prayers to you and the children, and I hope things works out, more in your favor,,,

NewDVCowner
06-23-2011, 06:39 PM
I am so sorry. I second the suggestion to get your own laywer ASAP. I had a friend that just got through this and having a good lawyer made a world of difference.

BrerGnat
06-23-2011, 06:41 PM
My goodness, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I really have nothing to offer in terms of advice, but I can offer my wholehearted support and a virtual hug. :hug: We are here for you, and hopefully, someone else will be along to offer some useful advice for your situation. You will get though this and come out stronger on the other side. That's how us moms roll. ;) Hang in there!

crazypoohbear
06-23-2011, 07:04 PM
Just because HE said that is what HIS lawyer drew up as a custody arrangement doesn't make it so!
He can say anything he wants, the JUDGE is the person who will decide things. and the fact that he doesn't spend time with his kids now, that he has never cared for a sick child or a special needs child means that he isn't capable of doing so every weekend!
I can tell you I want custody for three weekends a month and draw up papers saying that. Doesn't mean it will happen.
Don't accept anything he has to say as the truth. He has already proven himself to be a sneak and a liar. Nothing he says or does is in the best interest of his children

faline
06-23-2011, 07:07 PM
I'm so sorry! Please get legal advice to protect your interests. Please reach out to friends, family, and others who can support you on a daily basis.

MNNHFLTX
06-23-2011, 07:15 PM
I'm so sorry for all of this, Coreen--I can only imagine what is going through your head and heart. Know that we are here for you, whenever you need an empathetic ear and a :hug:

Jillirose
06-23-2011, 07:23 PM
You will get though this and come out stronger on the other side. That's how us moms roll. ;) Hang in there!

Amen! You can do hard things - one step at a time. Keep your chin up, put one foot in front of the other and take care of yourself, so you can be there for your kids.

VWL Mom
06-23-2011, 08:12 PM
Just because HE said that is what HIS lawyer drew up as a custody arrangement doesn't make it so!
He can say anything he wants, the JUDGE is the person who will decide things. and the fact that he doesn't spend time with his kids now, that he has never cared for a sick child or a special needs child means that he isn't capable of doing so every weekend!
I can tell you I want custody for three weekends a month and draw up papers saying that. Doesn't mean it will happen.
Don't accept anything he has to say as the truth. He has already proven himself to be a sneak and a liar. Nothing he says or does is in the best interest of his children

Exactly! Sounds like he is trying to bully you on top of everything else.

As others have said, we're here for you to vent, use as a sounding board, whatever. So sorry your family is going through this, stay strong.

brownie
06-23-2011, 08:19 PM
Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you really got blindsided.

luvdiznee
06-23-2011, 08:32 PM
I am so sorry as well that you are going through this. And having to find out this way shows he had no regards. I hope you find a good lawyer and get what you deserve as well.

Good luck! :hug:

buzznwoodysmom
06-23-2011, 08:46 PM
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I can't imagine coming home from a wonderful trip with my kids to find this out. I have no advice to offer you, but wanted to tell you to hang in there, stay tough, and good luck with everything.

disneymom15
06-23-2011, 08:58 PM
Coreen, so sorry for what you're going thru. Good luck to you, hang in there, you'll get thru this.

Jeff
06-23-2011, 10:15 PM
Wow! Such a rotten thing to do.
Hang in there!

I LoveJack
06-23-2011, 10:27 PM
Hire a good attorney and since he is already wanting you to have temp custody, push for full. Make sure you have judge order child support also. Just because you agree to something out of court doesn't mean a hill of beans when something goes wrong and you try to inforce it. Good luck and hang in there. It will get better.

SBETigg
06-23-2011, 10:38 PM
Wow. That's really low. Of course you're floored and hurting. Sounds like crazypoohbear is looking out for you, and she's right. Make sure you have a good lawyer. A good lawyer will give you the right advice on how to proceed in your best interests. So sorry!

PlutoToo
06-23-2011, 11:27 PM
I don't have any advise, except to get a good lawyer to help you and protect your and your children's interests. Prayers for you support in this time of uncertainty.

Dragongirlx
06-24-2011, 03:42 AM
What a horrible thing that he's done. Like everyone else says get your self a good lawyer.

micky95
06-24-2011, 06:51 AM
get a good lawyer !I' ve been through this with my wife .i didnt blindside her but she knew it was coming.i gave her the house and we had joint custody of the kids.through this she used the kids as a weapon to get at me .there was no other woman but she did remarry 6 months after the divorce .i remarried 3 years later and got full custody of my youngest son( 9 at the time ),who loves his step mother more than me lol.ive now been happily married for 13 years. i KNOW its hard when children are involved but trust me you will get through this and be a better person. my sons are now 28 & 25 i have 4 grandkids which means i still have to see my ex sometimes at birthday parties and such.we're civil around each other and get along fine.hang in there and remember there's lighted at the end of the tunnel and no its not a train.:D

Dulcee
06-24-2011, 06:57 AM
You'll survive this and you'll come out stronger on the other end. Get a good lawyer. No custody agreement with two present parents is ever drawn up by just one. The fact that custody papers were even in the works before the other spouse was notified of the divorce may work in your favor.

Positive thoughts and prayers for you and your boys headed your way.

T-Belle
06-24-2011, 07:29 AM
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please take the advice offered here to get your own lawyer and fight for your rights. You have a wonderful support system here. You and your children will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Stitchahula
06-24-2011, 07:35 AM
thank you everyone. I have a consult with an attorney tomorrow, I'm getting served some time today. He has someone (most likely his bosses) paying for his lawyer, he told me they were given a $2500.00 retainer. We are in bankruptcy so I have no clue how I'm going to pay for a lawyer. My sister told me I will probably need to sell my jewlery. I just can't believe this is happening. My world has completely flipped. It's like when my son was first hospitalized and we were told he might die and would have if I hadn't brought him to the doctor that day. The difference is then I had my husband to lean on and help me through the rough parts, now it's him causing the rough parts. I had to go to my doctor because I can't eat, or drink and have been throwing up for days to get something to stop the vomiting before I end up in the hospital. He told me it sounds as if my husband has ice water in his veins. I don't get how you can tell someone you love them and still do this to them. He is still telling me he loves me it's just his family issues that's causing this. Word of advice don't marry a momma's boy who has a naraccistic sociopathic mother.

Dulcee
06-24-2011, 07:49 AM
Don't be put off about finding a lawyer due to lack of funds. There are federally funded programs out there for help in civil cases. There are also state funded programs. You generally need to show financial need due to things like bankruptcy or medical bills, etc. We had a family member go through a similar situation. Though the lawyer who worked pro bono for her looked young enough to be her son he fought tooth and nail for her and things worked out in her favor.

Mickey'sGirl
06-24-2011, 08:44 AM
I just wanted to send some virtual strength for you and your children. Perhaps your employer has some support programs in place that might help you with a lawyer and/or therapists that you and your children can speak with. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

dnickels
06-24-2011, 09:10 AM
Best of luck getting through everything.

Also, as hard as it may be, try to keep the process civil, especially with kids being involved. Venting on here is good for releasing some of the stress but venting to the kids, telling them the other spouse is :thedolls:, shouting arguments, verbal attacks, that sort of thing isn't good for anyone in the process.

Stitchahula
06-24-2011, 10:00 AM
dnickels, I wasn't going to villianize my husband to my kids. I grew up with my mom and dad fighting and it was horrible. I plan on telling them I still love their dad (which I do) and always will and this has nothing to do with them. I've tried to make sure that even in the past when we've fought there wasn't any in front of the kids. He and his family don't have the same consideration though. I figure that when they get older they will look back and be able to say, wow mom handle that with class. I can't say it will be civil but it won't be using my kids as a weapon (at least on my part).

SBETigg
06-24-2011, 10:40 AM
Coreen, he might still love you but if he wanted to be with you and continue your marriage, I doubt his family would stand in his way. Plus, I have never heard of a company paying for an employee's divorce. I suspect he has been hoarding some money without your knowledge, and/or he is using that as a scare tactic to keep you from getting help in getting a deal fair to you both.

Please don't let him sweet talk you- stay strong. I have no idea about your particular case, but in the majority of cases like this, the spouse has been carrying on his own affairs (financial and maybe romantic) in secret for years before the split. He has given himself plenty of time to get his ducks in a row before springing this on you. You have clearly been a loving, trusting spouse, and unfortunately being hurt by that now. Sadly, it's time to end the trust and stop believing a word out of his mouth. Hire the lawyer and put your faith in your attorney. Yes, it could get ugly and we all prefer an amicable split. But he has shown his character with this and you have had your eyes open to what you are dealing with- probably not the man you thought you have been with all these years. Amicable is probably out of the question if you want to get what you deserve here (though it is very admirable that you are keeping your character and not smearing him to the kids). He's counting on you to go along with what he says, and to get it all his way. Wishing you and your kids all the best.

laprana
06-24-2011, 02:33 PM
I'm so very sorry you and your kids are going through this. It's definitely good that you have contacted a lawyer. I agree with everyone else...just because your husband says he has a custody agreement done doesn't mean it's enforceable at all. That's something that will have to be signed and entered by a judge and you will definitely have a say in the arrangements! Don't let him bully you and say that he has done this and he has done that...You have a say in this process just as much as he does!

And one thing to consider - sometimes in divorces when only one party is pursuing the divorce as opposed to a mutual split, the party who is doing the pursuing can sometimes be held responsible for the attorney's fees of the other party. Be sure to ask your attorney about this when you meet with him/her. It definitely might be a possibility, especially with the way he blindsided you.

I'm keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and sending positive vibes your way. You WILL get through this and you'll be stronger in the end, but I know how hard it is to get to that point. Keep your chin up and remember to take care of yourself. We're all here to listen when you need to vent! :hug:

Georgesgirl1
06-24-2011, 03:04 PM
I'm so sorry about this. :hug: What a rotten thing to do to someone! Get your own lawyer and fight for child support and alimony!

diz_girl
06-24-2011, 03:10 PM
I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. Try to keep up your strength as best you can.

The only advice that I can give is that it's time to get angry. Now. It may not be the best thing to hear right now, but you are so much better off without him if he will do something like this to you. As of now, you owe him nothing. Of course, try to make this as amicable as possible for the kids, but do not back down, which he may be expecting if he's already having a custody arrangement drawn up.

Ask yourself this, how can he set up a new residence, etc., if you're in bankruptcy? Where is he getting the money from? On top of the lawyer, hire a private investigator to see if there is another woman. It's not a pleasant thought, but it's time to play hardball now. It's time to think about what is best for yourself and your kids and you need every advantage that you can get so as to not be taken advantage of by your husband and his family. Do what you have to in order to get the best outcome for your kids. If that means selling your jewelry, then you may have to sell it. Gold is selling very high right now. Hopefully, selling any jewelry to hire a lawyer will not negatively affect your bankruptcy proceedings.

You write that you are in bankruptcy, so I'm assuming that there isn't a lot of cash in the bank. You may want to take out what's left in the joint bank accounts before he does and put that money somewhere else where he can't touch it.

As for it being normal to completely blind side a spouse like this, the answer is yes, if they are a selfish and inconsiderate person. Harsh, yes, but his behavior warrants the name.

God bless you and good luck.

garymacd
06-24-2011, 04:23 PM
I feel just so sorry for you. My beloved wife and I promised each other that we would never do anything like that.

I don't know what the rules for payment of spousal support are in your area. Garnishee-ing of wages is something to consider. You may still love him, but, personally, I wouldn't trust him from here to tomorrow on following through with support payments.

You will get through this and, like others have said, you will be stronger at the end.

ElenitaB
06-24-2011, 09:29 PM
Not much to add to what others have said and the advice they have given... just lots of virtual support and :hug: to you. You and your children deserve way better than that!

pianobabe
06-24-2011, 11:32 PM
Ditto to the attorney comment. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is not easy to do, but you will survive. :hug:

brivers222
06-24-2011, 11:57 PM
as others have said.... LAWYER UP! you may even find some in your area that do pro bono work

don't take what his dude says as truth... most lawyers lie... and lie a lot especially when they are working for the "enemy" in times like this

Hopefully you can get some resolve on this terrible situation :(

princessgirls
06-25-2011, 01:44 AM
Coreen,

I just feel terrible for you and your children. I can't imagine how awful this must be.

My prayers are with you.

Don't waste time on getting an attorney, money or no money, you can't and won't be ordered to do anything without legal advice!! You have rights, and shouldn't be bullied.
Rely on good solid friends and family and use them as sounding boards and GET AN ATTORNEY!!!!
Oh my...this is just unbelievable!


Julie:mickey:

crazypoohbear
06-26-2011, 11:09 AM
SBETigg, you are completely right.
he has money stashed away and he has been keeping her on a short leash by not giving her money for a looong time.
I don't think anyone is giving him money, he's paying all by himself. Just one more lie.

He has planned this for quite some time and she needs to go to court to get an order that he has to pay for her attorney fees and start giving her temporary child support.

He has proven himself a liar and a deceiver.
There may still be love but there is no trust.

Stitchahula
06-26-2011, 04:13 PM
I keep waiting for the anger to come, and it does in short spouts but mostly it's just heartache. I just can't believe I didn't see this coming, I'm not a naive person. He gave no hints that this was in the works. I still think he's bipolar and this is one of his mood swings, he goes through things like this but not usually with out marriage. He made rash decisions when it came to buy our house, buying our vehicles things like that. It was need to hurry hurry hurry and do it. Then years later he says maybe we should've researched more things like that. maybe I'm one of those mood swings our marriage was and now he just needs out, I don't know. All I know is that my world has been completely flipped on it's edge. I have to take my oldest one in tomorrow for blood work tomorrow to see if he needs a transfusion which he probably will. those days are stressful enough for me under good circumstances tomorrow should be lots of fun. The poor hem/oc clinic won't know what hit them with my luck I'll start crying and the only time they ever saw me cry was when my mom died back in January. They've watched us go through over 7 years of living with DBA managing it and not seeing me break down, now I'm all tears.

Melanie
06-27-2011, 08:30 AM
I wish I had some advice, but I do wish you the best of luck and remember to keep your head up and while of course taking care of the kids, you must remember to take care of yourself as well. Looks like you have a good family support system, which is comforting.

Kairi_7378
06-27-2011, 08:08 PM
No practical advice but I wanted to send you a virtual hug! :hug: I will pray for you.

brian2000boston
06-27-2011, 11:16 PM
Wow, that is so sad. After what sounded like a wonderful trip I couldnt imagine being blind sided like that. I am sorry that you have had to go through this, the only blessing in this is that you shouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt feel the same way you do. You will make it through this and find the person that is right for you. Someday you will look back and know it was for the best.

All my best from the other side of Mass.

KylesMom
06-28-2011, 01:02 AM
Head up, shoulders straight and walk proud, Stitch. While I'm aghast at the deception DH made (especially with the whole extended family surprise at the front end of your trip with the kids) I have a feeling you're going to be fine. Faith, trust, and pixie dust (along with us and your family) will see you through. Been through this with my sis - the major thing is to ensure that all documents are accurate and there is no story-telling on his part! Make sure when they do discovery that it is not storytelling, and that you have representation that knows the situation. Thoughts & prayers are with you! :mickey:

KODABEAR
06-28-2011, 11:24 AM
:grouphug:Lots of hugs and prayer's!

DVC2004
06-28-2011, 12:01 PM
Wow, I am really, truly sorry. I don't even know what to say. To come out of the blue like that. I agree go get a good lawyer, the best you can find. Nobody wants to fight but you have been put in the position where you are forced to. Good luck, we are all here for you if you need to vent, or cry, or anything. Big hugs to you. You will get through this.

Jim&AngieMarriner
06-28-2011, 01:23 PM
Wow. I dont even know what to say. This is horrible. Not just for you but your kids. If you didnt see it coming then you can be sure the kids didnt. All this just coming back from a nice family vacation. What a piece of work.

I am sure it doesnt feel like it now but if he is capable of this kind of behavior you will probably be better off without him in the long run.

Stitchahula
06-29-2011, 07:30 AM
I am getting so frustrated. He told he the lawyers he's talked to say he WILL get the kids every weekend and I'll have them durning the week. Everyone I've talked to say he'll get them every other weekend. I've come to the concuclusion he must really hate me to do this to me. I've had no luck finding a lawyer so far. I've looked up consignment shops and I'm going to sell my wedding dress. I know I need to sell my grooming tub and supplies to get money. I feel like I just keep needing to sell off pieces of me in order to end up not getting the you know what end of the stick. It appears he hasn't really been paying any of the bills lately, yet he says that it's not our money he spent on the lawyer. so where the heck did it all go. I really wish this weren't about money so much but I guess that's what 16 years of marriage comes down to. Him giving me 400 a week to take care of 2 children, house us, feed us, and clothe us. That leaves him about 900 a week for himself. He never even bothered to call me yesterday while I was in the hospital with our oldest child for my DS transfusion. It's not like I've been hostile I haven't been, in fact everyone is getting upset because I haven't got mad yet. they think I need to get mad to fight back, I thnk I need to stay calm in order to do this right. I'll let the anger come after all is said and done. thanks for letting me vent.

Imalismom
06-29-2011, 08:29 AM
Find a local college that has a pre-law or law school. Call them and ask them for a listing of services in the area that can help you. Somewhere there is a lawyer that can help you.

Check out divorcenetwork.org for state by state information

Also, check out:
Contact Legal Aid: http://www.legal-aid.org/en/home.aspx

Dulcee
06-29-2011, 09:35 AM
I agree with the above poster. Don't give up on finding a lawyer. You need someone on your side that understands the law. At the very least you should be able to find someone who can least consult with you on what your rights, options and best course of action are. It also sounds your H was the main income in your family, in which case you might be able to get an alimony settlement. The laws vary by state buts it worth investigating, especially since you have a child who requires some specialized care.

And if being calm right now works for you, go with it. Whatever you need to do to be logical and keep things together is whats best. Everyone goes through changes differently and getting angry may just not be whats best for you and your children right now.

clausjo
06-29-2011, 11:16 AM
I agree with Imalismom, call legal aid in your area and they will provide you with advice regarding your situation. You will find an attorney that will help you and your children. I don't know what state you're in, but generally there is alimony provided, even if it is for a short period of time while you get an education, etc. so you can support yourself. You have a special needs child as well, and that should also factor in when deciding on how much support is necessary.

You will find someone to help, hang in there and keep venting to all of us here. We'll all help as best we can.

NewDVCowner
06-29-2011, 11:47 AM
A custody agreement is an AGREEMENT between both parents. It needs to be written down, signed off by both parents and by a judge. I had a friend that went through this last year. They ended up working it all out in mediation (the custody thing) however it IS something that you need to agree to. He can't just come in and tell you how it's going to work. And of course his lawyer is going to back him up.

In California, at least, the alimony is worked out with a formula. They plug in all the numbers. What he makes, what you make, the number of years you've been married, etc, and from there come up with the number that needs to be paid. Alimony is seperate from child support. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but in California that's the way it works.

And I agree with others. Contact legal aid. They should be able to point you in the right direction. You need to get a lawyer to fight for you. There are so many ins and outs of the legal system that lay people don't have any idea of.

cer
06-29-2011, 12:23 PM
It's not like I've been hostile I haven't been, in fact everyone is getting upset because I haven't got mad yet. they think I need to get mad to fight back, I thnk I need to stay calm in order to do this right. I'll let the anger come after all is said and done. thanks for letting me vent.

You keep your cool and think clearly, I'll be glad to get mad for you. In response to your original post, I think he is a complete coward and jerk for pulling the rug out from under your family. :mad:

I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. :(

Hammer
06-29-2011, 01:59 PM
As you live in Massachusetts, I jusd a quick google search for free legal aid in Massachusetts and come up with many links. You need to get looking at these sites, retain one of them, and get moving and take away his advantage. Do this ASAP!

PAYROLL PRINCESS
06-29-2011, 08:24 PM
I've already told Coreen that I'll put the lawyer's retainer on my credit card; not something I want to do with interest rates what they are but I will NOT let him get away with this. I also want it stated in the divorce decree that HE has to pay me back. We've been telling our sis that he's been socking money away for years. I have no doubt he has a nice little nest egg to finance the lawyer and his new life.
And I also keep telling her that just because HE says so, don't make it so. And yes I used bad grammar on purpose. LOL

He also put down that the marriage fell apart in January, when our mother was in the hospital and DIED!!!! And then to file one week after we came back from the MAW trip? (I went along with them). Can you say HEARTLESS??? Stick the knife in a little deeper and twist some more. I used to like him. Not so much now.

I keep telling her that he's hugging her and kissing her and telling her he loves her to keep her off balance so she doesn't have her guns primed when needed.

Unfortunately even if they were to reconcile at this point i would NEVER believe in or trust him again. She might, I won't.

She'll get through this because she has a good support group in her family and friends. And Crazypoohbear and I will be there front and center for her and our nephews. He wants a fight, he'll get one!!!

He doesn't even want to spend time with his kids now, while he's living with them. She'll call me up and say that he told her to "get them out of here because I have things to do." This sounds like a father who wants to spend time with his kids? I don't think so! It will be interesting to see how this plays out.....we'll keep you posted.

thanks everyone!!

TheVBs
06-29-2011, 08:40 PM
Payroll Princess, I'm so glad she has you!

Stitchahula, I am so incredibly sorry that this is happening to your family. Words simply fail me. Lean on your wonderful family and listen to what they're telling you. You don't have to be angry if you don't feel that in you, but regard every word that comes out of his mouth and every move he makes as suspect. Once you have a lawyer, that person will fight for you. He will have to reveal what he's been doing with the money that was supposed to belong to your family. If you're able to, I think hiring a private investigator is a really good idea too.

One day you will come out the other side of this! You and your children will have and love each other and you'll all be fine. Hang in there!

Stitchahula
06-30-2011, 07:02 AM
still hurt, still devasted but gettting oh so angry now:thedolls:. He told me last night that his attorney assured him he will get the visitation he wants, every weekend a month except for 1 or he will refund his fees. The husband doesn't care we have to live, No money for 1st last and deposit he said I could go live at Payroll Princess's house until I can save up enough to pay for a place. I can't believe I thought I loved this man, he is heartless and I overlooked it all the time. I made excuses for it, well no more! I feel like a certain Elton John song which I won't put down because of it's none Disney title. He might of knocked me down, he did NOT knock me and I'm back and ready to fight. He won't know what hit him!

Jeniflower
06-30-2011, 08:34 AM
Some times even though you love someone you have to make a clean break. Its hard but it has to be done. it sounds like he is using your love for him to play you.

To repeat what everyone else says get a lawyer. seek legal aid and do what ever you can.

Also it sounds like you are both still living in the same house and he is suggesting you move. Absolutely not, its your home and your kids home, so toss him out on the streets and change the locks if you can. He want's a divorce, he can live elsewhere till its sorted.

and what ever you do remember to hug your kids every day and tell them no matter what you will both always love them. Things may be hard but they are still the most important thing.

Good luck and remember what ever ill he trys to create will bounce back and hit him threefold

Dulcee
06-30-2011, 09:07 AM
He told me last night that his attorney assured him he will get the visitation he wants, every weekend a month except for 1 or he will refund his fees. He won't know what hit him!

His attorney must be out of his mind. Judges do not look kindly at the spouse that chooses to walk away....especially in the fashion that your husband chose to do so. Financial infidelity is not taken lightly. Conduct during and prior to a divorce is important and is generally brought into consideration, and his it appears has been anything but stellar.

laprana
06-30-2011, 09:51 AM
He told me last night that his attorney assured him he will get the visitation he wants, every weekend a month except for 1 or he will refund his fees.

Sounds to me like he is blowing a lot of smoke and trying to intimidate you so you will just cave and give him what he wants. I'm a paralegal...I work with lawyers all day, every day. NO lawyer I know would ever make any kind of statement like this. First off, it's a lie because no matter HOW good a lawyer is, everything will be decided by a JUDGE. Second, YOU have as much of a say in the custody arrangements as he does. DO NOT listen to him when he's trying to throw his weight and the weight of his lawyer around!! There is so much more to custody arrangements than one person saying, "This is what I want, so that's how it's going to be."

Please try to get a lawyer as soon as you can. Like I said before, as part of the divorce settlement you can demand that HE pay your lawyers' fees. You might have to pay a retainer up front, but if it's in the settlement that he has to pay the fees, you will get that money back in the end. You need to do whatever you can to protect yourself, your kids, your finances, and your well being, and the best way to do that right now is to get a lawyer who will fight for you.

I'm keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and I'm so glad to hear you have family who is 100% supportive of you and what you're going through. Please keep us updated...I know that everyone here will try to help you in any way we can! :hug:

Mickey'sGirl
06-30-2011, 10:04 AM
Please heed Laprana's advice. My sister did not do anything for several months because she refused to believe it, and it ended up costing her her home. She and my niece have been living with us for the past two years while she tries to dig out from under the debt and misery he left them with. Please please please get yourself to a lawyer!

PAYROLL PRINCESS
06-30-2011, 10:28 PM
Trust me everyone, she IS going to get a lawyer and it's one who will fight for her and the kids. He's so full of doo-doo it's not even funny. To think I used to like him. And he is trying to play mind games and I keep telling her not to buy into them.
And he better hope he doesn't run in to me anywhere! I will have a thing or two to say to him. In a professional matter of course.
Unfortunately this bozo will be tied to our family for life because of the kids. But if he thinks we'll still welcome him into our lives, that is so not going to happen!!

crazypoohbear
07-02-2011, 09:03 AM
Payroll princess is VERY kind to front the money to our sister to get a lawyer (a friend, a woman, and someone who grew up with the DH!) Stephen will have to pay back Payroll princess.

This "Man" is a cold calculating heartless bum. He purposely chose to ruin person in his family.

He picked the time our mom died to say that was when the marriage was "broken"

He chose to ruin Williams Make aWish trip by tainting it forever by having the divorce papers served as soon as they got back.

HE wants to tell the kids on Justin's birthday!!!

then he tells our sister that WE can support her and she can live with US!?
Ummm, as Payroll princess said, "I didn't bring those children into the world, they are not my responsibility to support, that's HIS JOB"

The hatred he shows for the 4 year old is palpable. He screams at him, hits him, swears at him. Tells him things no one has a right to say to another person, let alone a small child.
He has no patience or parenting skills.

HE even told my sister that maybe they can split the kids up some weekends and each parent can take ONE child. NO WAY, that will only further prove to the 4 year old that Daddy doesn't love him. What a jerk.

He has apparently started to "prime" the 8 year old by telling him that they will get to see his other family more now and that he can call his other grandmother "grammie" William said "grammie is in heaven" his father told him he can call "Gramma Jean" Grammie now. Over my dead body! Grammie was OUR mother's name, his mother was "gramma Jean"
He will NOT take our mother's name and further confuse my nephews.

Simple rules.
DON'T hit kids.
DON'T separate kids in a divorce.
DON'T try to make you kid call someone else a beloved deceased family members name.
DON'T steal money out of your child's mouth
DONT assume that someone else is responsible for supporting YOUR family.

VWL Mom
07-02-2011, 09:57 AM
Google MA divorce laws. If what CPB says about his behavior towards the 4 year old in true, that is abuse plain and simple. Under those circumstances he will not be awarded any unsupervised custody.

I'm glad Stitch has 2 great sisters to lean on because it sounds like she is going to need it.

SBETigg
07-02-2011, 11:17 AM
Document everything! Times, dates, direct quotes, having it all on paper helps. Very best wishes to you and your children. I know you will get through this.

marlyn
07-02-2011, 11:40 AM
Coreen, I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this!

I went through something similar 9 years ago when my husband and I spilt up. He was a military pilot and away a lot. On one trip when he was gone for a month, he returned only for me to find out he had met a woman while away and she was pregnant. I found this out 4 days before Christmas. To top it all off I had moved to the other side of the country with him and was now stranded there....I thought my world had ended.

But I had two kids, so I brushed myself off, moved myself back to the other side of the country and have never looked back.

I know it seems like you will never get through this....but you will, and it sounds to me like you have the right attitude.

The kids are your priority (and don't forget yourself also!!!). The only advice I have regarding custody etc...Keep things as stable as possible for the children. They need one consistent home, then go visit the other (which unfortunatelt usually means weekends with Dad). Situations where they spend one week with Mom and one week with Dad rarely work well for the children. They need consistency.

Hang in there and hugs for you and your kids!!

PAYROLL PRINCESS
07-02-2011, 10:38 PM
Google MA divorce laws. If what CPB says about his behavior towards the 4 year old in true, that is abuse plain and simple. Under those circumstances he will not be awarded any unsupervised custody.

I'm glad Stitch has 2 great sisters to lean on because it sounds like she is going to need it.

Unfortunately because he hasn't done anything recently (past month), he could say we were just making this up as retaliation for him filing for divorce. But watch out the first time either kid comes home saying that daddy hit them!

And Coreen has a lawyer now. I'll max out the credit card so I just hope nothing goes wrong with my house or I'm up a creek!!!

I've already had water damage and haven't fixed the ceiling yet so that's on hold too. But we'll get through this and come out better and stronger!

Cinderelley
07-02-2011, 11:05 PM
I would really check into the past month thing. I know that I live in a different state, but just went through a very bad divorce. At the trial for the restraining order, it was anything that had happened in the past year.

You are in a horrible place emotionally right now. I promise it gets better. It will get worse before it gets better, but you will not believe how much better it is on the other side. A year after your divorce is finalized, you will look back and be amazed at how far you have come.

1. Don't believe anything he says. He is manipulating things in order to get what he wants.
2. Doing a lot of your own leg work will save you alot of money in lawyer costs if you can handle it emotionally. Or even have those close to you do it for you. Get a court order for access to ALL of his financial records. Look for areas that he may have been transferring money that you didn't know about. File for a restraining order if he has been abusive to your 4 year old - physically or emotionally.
3. It isn't you. There isn't anything you could have done better. It doesn't have anything to do with the way you look. It is him and don't let him tell you otherwise.

merlinmagic4
07-03-2011, 10:25 AM
Coreen, I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially after something as special as a Make a Wish trip. :(

laprana
07-06-2011, 11:11 AM
Document everything! Times, dates, direct quotes, having it all on paper helps. Very best wishes to you and your children. I know you will get through this.

This is excellent advice! It doesn't matter if it's something that happened yesterday or last year. If you can remember details of any incidents of him physically, verbally, mentally, or emotionally abusing your kids, write them down! Just stick to the facts that you know and remember and make a kind of timeline of anything that has happened. It might not seem important, but it will show whether or not there is a pattern of abuse and that definitely will be taken into consideration for any custody arrangements.

Stitchahula
07-06-2011, 07:39 PM
thank you everyone. I still feel like he's up to something, like he's trying to get me declared unfit. I talked to my kids Pediatrian today at my youngests appt and she said they normally ask the doctor in charge of the kids. she told me she was on my side and she knows I would never harm my children in anyway shape or form. That means a lot to me knowing the medical personnel are behind me. My sister Payroll Princess has loaned me the money for a lawyer which I can't thank her enough. I still can't believe this is all happening to me. Seriously how can a man give up his family, his wife just to please his mommy? I don't get it. I guess I'm better off because I won't have to deal with that nut job family anymore I just worry about my kids being around them with no body there to protect them. That is the part that truly makes me crazy not knowing they are safe when around them.

faline
07-06-2011, 08:00 PM
At this time, family is very important and you clearly have a wonderful family to help you! Right now, you just need to go through each day, see what it brings, and meet the challenge. I'm rooting for you!

Dsnygirl
07-06-2011, 09:28 PM
Coreen, I've been reading this thread ever since you first posted, and it broke my heart... esp. coming on the heels of your MaW trip. But - I didn't want to just jump in, b/c I don't have any advice to offer in this arena.

I still don't, and I think you've gotten some TREMENDOUS advice here and from your family -- I'm so glad you have the support of your sisters behind you, they sound terrific!!

But I couldn't keep quiet anymore -- I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and your boys, and sending prayers and pixie dust your way by the boatloads. I hope you are able to put all this behind you and move on with your life... you are definitely better off w/o this "man" in your life, and one day you will wake up and realize that you are so much happier. I'm sure it seems that that day is a long way off -- but don't give up, keep your chin up and remember -- karma is on your side!! :D

We're all pulling for you!! :hug:

Imalismom
07-07-2011, 11:35 AM
I would offer up one piece of advice not asked for :secret:

I would CEARLY watch what you put out on ANY place on the internet, text messages, etc. Any lawyer worth their weight in gold, if they are looking for a "fight", will dig up ANYTHING that you have written, and spin the words to fit their situation.

I'm not saying that is a bad thing. But saying things like "nut job family", could be spun so many ways, and maybe not in the way you were intending.

Even if something is deleted, it still can be recovered and put before any judge.

So, my piece of advice not asked for is not to say ANYTHING negative in public, until it is all said and done. Think it, but don't publish it.

brivers222
07-07-2011, 12:04 PM
I would offer up one piece of advice not asked for :secret:

I would CEARLY watch what you put out on ANY place on the internet, text messages, etc. Any lawyer worth their weight in gold, if they are looking for a "fight", will dig up ANYTHING that you have written, and spin the words to fit their situation.

I'm not saying that is a bad thing. But saying things like "nut job family", could be spun so many ways, and maybe not in the way you were intending.

Even if something is deleted, it still can be recovered and put before any judge.

So, my piece of advice not asked for is not to say ANYTHING negative in public, until it is all said and done. Think it, but don't publish it.

:thumbsup:

Stitchahula
07-08-2011, 08:54 AM
thanks for the warning but calling his family nut jobs isn't going to effect the divorce at all, it just me stating MHO. If you knew them you would probably agree. Everyone agrees he's up to something. On the one hand he's hugging and kissing me telling me he loves me on the other hand he's saying the divorce is going through. He even had the nerve to get mad at me for telling the boys about the divorce because he wanted to be there when I did. He even left work early and came rushing home, he doesn't come to the hospital when our oldest is having a life saving treatment yet he rushes home because I'm telling them their dad is moving out. Nice priorities. It wasn't like I was poisoning their minds against him I had promised him I wouldn't do that ( I can't stand when people use children as weapons) He evidently expects me to be as sneaky and cold hearted as he has been. I on the other hand have to look myself in the mirror and I don't ever want to be ashamed of the person I see. Thank you for all the support it means more than I can say. You are all giving me strength that I don't feel like I have on my own right now.

PAYROLL PRINCESS
07-08-2011, 10:30 PM
I would offer up one piece of advice not asked for :secret:

I would CEARLY watch what you put out on ANY place on the internet, text messages, etc. Any lawyer worth their weight in gold, if they are looking for a "fight", will dig up ANYTHING that you have written, and spin the words to fit their situation.

I'm not saying that is a bad thing. But saying things like "nut job family", could be spun so many ways, and maybe not in the way you were intending.

Even if something is deleted, it still can be recovered and put before any judge.

So, my piece of advice not asked for is not to say ANYTHING negative in public, until it is all said and done. Think it, but don't publish it.

I've been telling her the same thing. We can say what we want to each other, but let's not put it in writing!

Cinderelley
07-10-2011, 07:05 PM
I know you are worried about the kids, as you should be since you are a parent. It will be hard for them at first, but it gets easier. And if you keep being the person you should be, they will see that as they get older too - no matter what his family is like. It seems like such craziness in the middle of it, and you worry about what they will learn from the role models they see.
When my children were young and I went through it, I was assured that the children would see the truth as they got older. And sure enough, my friend was right. It took time and patience - a lot of frustration and crying, but they have all grown up to be people I am proud of. They know how they want to act, and how they don't want to act. I was by no means perfect, but I did try to keep their best interests first and always loved them. Now they tell me that has meant a lot to them. Keep your chin up and just put one foot in front of the other for now. . . Soon you'll be running again.

PAYROLL PRINCESS
07-22-2011, 10:16 PM
So this father of the year moved out last weekend. He asked if he could take the kids on Sunday and my sis said yes. She asked him when he'd have them back. He wand keep them for a whopping TWO whole hours. Wow, could he spare the time?

Then he wanted to take them this weekend but we already have plans. So he asked if he could take them Friday night to Saturday morning. She said yes again. Well, wouldn't you know it? Something came up.

I'm very much afraid my nephews are in for big disappointment from this man.

Oh and when her lawyer called his lawyer and said he had to give her money to live on? He put a whopping $25.00 in her account. Another call from lawyer to lawyer and he put in another whopping $25.00! Seriously? He thinks that's enough for a family of 3 to live on for a week, with groceries, gas for the van, co-pays for the doctor?

Hold on folks, it's gonna be a rocky ride! I'm sure my sis will appreciate any prayers and pixie dust you want to send her way while she goes through this AND has to find another, affordable, place to live.

This whole situation just has me so angry!

laprana
07-25-2011, 10:22 AM
Continued :pixie: on the way and I'm keeping your whole family in my prayers and thoughts. What a terrible situation for you all to have to deal with. I sincerely hope it starts to get better for you all sooner rather than later. :hug:

Tigger's Mom
07-28-2011, 10:17 AM
Wishing you strength as you deal with all you are!! Thoughts are with you and your boys as you go through this struggle.

DisneyOtaku
07-28-2011, 11:52 AM
Add another for someone putting you and your children in their prayers! What this man has done is horrible and you shouldn't have to experience it. Keep strong; we're all cheering you on!

Lisaj13
07-28-2011, 12:10 PM
When my ex and I separated he paid $45 a month in child support for our two daughters, and he complained to his lawyer that it was too high!

In our divorce settlement he got a three-year holiday from child support and in return I had to pay him less to buy him out of my pension, the house and the car. After that three-year period he has reliably paid $250 a month. That was 11 years ago now, and while we'll never be best friends we are civil to one another and he has been an involved parent.

I have a good relationship with his family after the first few difficult years. So, hang in there. This is a very tumultuous, stomach churning time, but I'm sure you'll get through it. There are calmer waters ahead, and a good life for you and your kids.

Mickey'sGirl
07-28-2011, 12:23 PM
Isn't child support a prescribed calculation? It is in Ontario.

I actually googled Massachusetts child support guidelines and it returned a calculation sheet. Child support is an obligation that is required even with the most modest of incomes. This should be part of your separation agreement. Default of payment would result in garnising of wages. It sounds extreme, but your children need to be provided for ... and these amounts are not spousal support at all.

DisneyMom12
07-28-2011, 01:07 PM
So this father of the year moved out last weekend. He asked if he could take the kids on Sunday and my sis said yes. She asked him when he'd have them back. He wand keep them for a whopping TWO whole hours. Wow, could he spare the time?

Then he wanted to take them this weekend but we already have plans. So he asked if he could take them Friday night to Saturday morning. She said yes again. Well, wouldn't you know it? Something came up.

I'm very much afraid my nephews are in for big disappointment from this man.





My ex was not very good about seeing my son. To help avoid some of the disappointment, and hurt feelings I never told him when his father said he was coming. When he did show up it was like a nice surprise for him. If he didn't show he was non the wiser, and did not get upset.

azdisneymom
07-29-2011, 11:22 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this. From reading the posts you are not the only one. I have been married for almost 25 years so the only advice I can give is from a friend's experience. Imalismom has already posted this but ... Be careful of what you post in any public forum. You would be surprised what could turn up at these custody hearings. Please ask family members to be mindful of their posts too. Anything can be used as ammunition against you. We all need to vent and the support is invaluable but be careful.

My prayers are with you all.

Stitchahula
07-29-2011, 12:49 PM
Thanks everyone, so far it's been a long rocky road and we haven't even set foot in a court room yet. He's not paying the full amount he should in child support because the court has yet to order him to, he's giving me just enough were it would cost more with lawyers fees to go to court than to just take what he gives me. I know I shouldn't be at this point but everytime he does something sneaky or underhanded I'm shocked.He is supposed to take the kids for their first overnight with him tomorrow and I'm a mess. I've never been away from my children, I know some people have no problem with that but I do. In 8 years I have always had atleast 1 of my children with me at bedtime. Thank you all for the prayers of strength and keep them coming I need them.

laprana
07-29-2011, 02:21 PM
Are your kids old enough to have cell phones? If they are, and if they don't already have them, I'd recommend looking into getting them at least one they can share, and then they will have a phone to reach you while they are with their dad. It might sound strange because he probably has a phone they could use...but having a phone that's just for them and letting them know they can use it to call you any time they need to could be a big comfort to them while they are with him. If you are worried and nervous about it, then chances are they are too. Just speaking from personal experience...my parents divorced when I was very young and it was nasty, to say the least. When my sister and I were at my dad's for weekend visitation, he pretty much forbid us from calling our mom, which we always wanted to do because we spent 85% of our time living with her and being at my dad's was not comfortable or familiar. We had to call her in secret when we knew he wouldn't find out. But we both always felt better when we were able to talk to her, even if we were only away for the weekend. I'm just so sorry your family is going through this. I've been there on the kids' end of it and I know how hard it is. I'll continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

emerzmom
08-11-2011, 03:27 PM
Been there...and there is HOPE...I promise!
Many years ago,ironically just after we returned from a trip to WDW, a chain of events occured that could be labeled as "having the rug pulled out from underneath me". I was hurt, shocked, and broke. My daughter was beyond devestated. It was really difficult that first year. Every event was another challenge...the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, birthdays, etc. were all new and different and sad and lonely. Honestly, there were times I didn't think I could make it through one more day. I had a very demanding full time job then being a single parent felt like more than I could handle sometime. Homework, dance class, band practice, house work, yard work, shopping, cleaning...and I was now the mom AND the dad. And, I was still dealing with the hurt and anger of my marriage. But, I loved my daughter more than life itself and knew that I had to pull it together and keep it together for her. And somehow everyday I got up and faced each day and tried to make the most of what I had.
The days turned into months and the months turned into years. Today, right at 10 years later, my daughter is in her senior year of college (completely paid for by me..no loans!). She is a beautiful, happy, smart, warm, and wonderful young woman. I am so very proud of her. In the past few years she has told me so many times what a wonderful parent I have been to her....what more could a parent ask for? It has been worth it all !
And just for icing on the cake... I didn't have the time, energy, or desire to date while my daughter was younger and living at home. I have to admit that there were some lonely times especially around the holidays, my birthday, an occassional Saturday night...
Well, about a year and a half ago I met the most wonderful man. He is kind and generous and loving and warm...and very handsome too :-) ...and my daughter loves him. He has recently asked me to marry him and we are in the process of moving in together. My biggest issue with him...he is one of those "I went to WDW once. It was fun but why would I do it again?"..type of people. I have hope because he hasn't been with me yet :mickey:
I know this is kind of long and I am a fairly private person. I don't typically share things like this however, after reading this post I just couldn't help myself. I wanted you to know that it really can be okay. I wish things would have been different but I am so much stronger and self confident because of all of this. Today I can say that it was probably a blessing that this happened. I just didn't know it at the time.
I truly believe "those things that do not kill us make us stronger".
Hang in there!
Your Intercot Friend,
Julie
:mickey:

PAYROLL PRINCESS
09-02-2011, 11:59 PM
So the judge gave him the kids EVERY weekend. Oh but we get them every other Saturday until 6pm. Then he can pick them up and bring them home Sunday at 6pm. Doesn't leave us aunties a whole lot of time to see the kids. We are used to spending every Saturday with them and going places and doing things. I hope and pray that he gets tired of having NO free time and of pretending to be a good daddy. At least enough so that we can spend time with the kids since we are the ones who enjoy doing things with them.

Daddy has them just sitting around his apartment doing a whole lot of nothing.

And once Coreen finds a job, she'll have time to feed them, bath them, do the homework and put them to bed. When does she get to bond with them and have fun too?

I just can't believe the judge thought that was a good solution!! I really hate the court system!!!!