I love my fiancee but not his friends...help!

[beksy]

I am engaged to a wonderful guy that puts up with all of the emotional baggage I am carrying from past relationships and is very supportive. We have a great relationship except for one issue...his friends. He has a group of 3 friends that he recently moved in with to save money since his lease expired and once I pass the bar we are moving out of the area anyway. This has brought the problem to light even more. There is nothing really "wrong" with his friends, except that they keep trying to get involved in our relationship, causing us to argue and putting him in the middle. I know that I will have to put up with them when I visit this summer since he is living with them but I refuse to apologize for things that I did not do wrong or that is none of their business. When we argue, they listen in and make it worse and then twist it around so it seems like I should be the one to need to apologize (well at least they think I should apologize to them when they shouldn't even have anything to do with it). I feel like I am forcing him to choose between his friends and me, which I don't want to do, but I don't know how to act. HELP!

[SBETigg]

That is a tough situation. So sorry. I would try not to fight where they can listen and try not to get wrapped up in any drama they create. As for not apologizing, I might not be so adamant. Sometimes, just making the motions can get you through until the time comes for you both to move on. Basically, fake it. Do what you have to do to make nice until you're out of the situation, but not to the point of losing yourself or being a pushover. Just make it as easy as possible on yourself and remind yourself that it will be over soon and better times are ahead. Also, don't gripe to him about his friends. It might end up pushing him closer to them and further from you. It might not be the best advice, but that's all I've got. Someone else might have different wisdom to offer.

[Disney-4-Me]

Don't fight in front of other people. Then if they get involved you know the issue is with your boyfriend for sharing with them.

[btharvey]

Definitely keep the disagreements away from them. But also, ask your fiancee to not discuss things with them. Your lives are between you two, not them as well.

I disagree about faking an apology. Your fiancee will find out you 'lied,' and then where is the trust? It is possible to say that you don't want to discuss things with his "friends," and that you don't feel comfortable with them. Since they are a temporary thing, you can wait it out.

If your fiancee has a problem with that, perhaps his perceptions aren't as good as you had hoped. If he merely parrots what they say, then what can you believe.

It's truly tough! But don't cave and play a game, or that's all you'll have ... a game. This is supposedly for real. You don't necessarily have to call them on it, but don't include them, either.

They could just be "tweaking" the two of you, and your reactions are the feedback they need to keep doing it. Don't tell them off, but don't respond to their tweaking ... ignore it, and ask him to ignore it as well, for the sake of you two.

[MNNHFLTX]

One thing seems clear to me--you and your fiance have to come to an agreement to keep your relationship and related issues private, just between the two of you. If you are having a discussion, agree to take it somewhere where his friends can't hear. If his friends ask him about it later, he should defer from answering. You both need to present a united front and not allow outside influences to stir the pot. You are not forcing him to choose in this way, just asking him to set some boundaries.

If your fiance is reluctant to do this, it could be an ongoing problem during your marriage too. It's better to work these types of situations out in advance than to assume that things will somehow change after you are married.

[Dulcee]

Fiance and I try very hard when we have an argument for it not to unfold in front of others.

Fights with your significant other are going to happen but you'll only work them out if its kept between the two of you. I'd talk to your fiance, tell him that it bothers you that things that are personal are being made public.

Above all, be honest. Brushing things under the rug, lying to smooth over a situation, they only make it worse in the long run. Learning how to "fight fair" is a very important part of having a healthy, lasting relationship.

[SBETigg]

Just to clarify, I was not suggesting the OP apologize, lie, or just make nice with her fiance. That's a relationship that requires trust and commitment, obviously, and it sounds like he's a supportive, good guy. I meant maybe to just make nice to the roommates.

Sometimes painting on the happy face and making nice with casual acquaintances is the best bet. Going out of your way not to make waves and keep the peace in a situation like that could just help avoid drama until it's time to move on. I don't think the OP was asking for help in handling her fiance or the personal relationship, but in how to handle the roommates. Maybe I misread.

[BrerGnat]

I agree with Sherri's advice.

Listen, you can't pick your friend's friends. If you don't like them, that's fine. But, if they are causing trouble, the best way to deal with it is to simply look the other way as far as they are concerned. Be civil, be polite (basically, don't give them ammo) and keep things between you and your fiance. You will be away from them soon, and your fiance will (hopefully) find new friends who are not so immature.

I really hope your fiance isn't anything like his friends. This is something you need to be aware of. Sometimes we can have blinders on when it comes to love, so make sure that you really know who your fiance is as a person. You don't want to find yourself a few years down the road and realize he is just like these "friends" you loathe...