What to do about son's lying?

[clausjo]

I'm completely at a loss right now. My son is 11 1/2 and in 6th grade. He's always told white lies and we've always tried to stress to him that lying is not acceptable. Well, this morning, I received an email from his World Cultures teacher (a new elective that started today) telling me that he shared with the class that we went to Alaska over the weekend and she'd LOVE to see pictures, especially of the dog sled trip. He's always wanted to go to Alaska, but this is a bit much. I've not replied to the teacher yet and honestly don't know what to say. My son has ADHD and is on meds, but I'm thinking there may be more to it.

Does anyone know how we should handle this? I'm completely flabbergasted! :(:confused:

[jodijo]

Hi!
First of all, the teacher should have known better than to think that you could take a "Weekend Trip" all the way up to Alaska. Unless you are very close (which I don't think you are per your status), it is not a weekend destination.

Second, as a teacher, I would be honest with her. I would tell her what you told us. I think she will understand.

Good luck!

[Janmac]

As the previous poster said, explain to the teacher that your son was mistaken about your Alaskan trip. You don't have to say anything else, just he was mistaken. If you feel the need to elaborate, say he's always wanted to go and was indulging in wishful thinking.

If you are asking for some insight with your son, perhaps there is something he really likes to do, that he can "lose" for a certain time. My niece doesn't put her daughter in time out so much any more as she puts her daughter's Leapster in time out. This really hurts. A classmate's mother said no visiting grandma for two weeks. And next time it'll be double, 4 weeks. (Grandma lives right next door, and was on board with the "punishment".)

That doubling seems to work wonders. We did this with a middle school age nephew that was living with us for awhile. He had to have his punishment doubled once and then he was a believer. He was grounded for a week the first time, and then for 2 weeks the second time. He didn't want to try for 4 weeks. He'd been getting into petty trouble at school, for ridiculous stuff - basically acting out just to get caught.

Basically it puts the responsibility on the kids. It's their choice how long their punishment is.

Good luck.

Jan

[forever a child]

I had this issue with my daughter for a while. She was a bit younger than your son when we were dealing with it. I really spent some time focusing on her punishment and rewards based on the lies and truth rather than her actions. What I mean to say is if she did something naughty but told me the truth...I would not punish her and explain to her that though she did something wrong....she was not being punished for it because she was honest with me and that was equally important.

Some times she was punished not for the action but just that she was not truthful. It sounds like your son has a great imagination and that is wonderful and of course you don't want to discourage that...so the challenge is teaching him when using that imagination is encouraged and when it becomes a lie.

My DD came home after a weekend visit from her fathers house and told me that there was an alligator in the bathtub when she was taking a bath at his house. He has told me that they watched a program on tv about alligators (not knowing what she had said to me). I thought it was even more funny considering her father's place only had a shower and did not even have a bathtub.

I would ask you son about the story and ask him if he told it. Give him an opportunity to explain the story he shared with the class himself. See if he admits to what he shared. If he does, ask him if he believe this story to be real or for fun and see what he shares with you. Ask him if he thinks others believe his story as truth and if so...would it be considered a lie. If he admits it could be considered as a lie ask him what he feels he should do about it to explain himself to his teacher and the class. Lead him to admit it himself and help him to understand that his story is wonderful but not in the context that he shared it. It is subtle but you will have to be creative in working it out and make sure to praise him for his small progress in honest with each day.

Hope this helps you a little bit, if for no other reason to know that it happens and your son is not the only child out there ADHD or otherwise with these kinds of issues. My daughter was not ADHD...she just liked telling stories!

My daughter is now 16 and is one of the most honest people I know. I would trust her opinion on an issue over most other people if honesty were an issue. So there is hope.

[cather74]

This call might be the teacher's polite way of letting you know she knows he's lying too but sparing him the embarassment of calling him out on it in class. Ask him about the trip and see if he can come up with a solution on his own. Maybe he can call the teacher himself and explain. It seems when kids have to take responsiblitlity for their own actions it's better then any grounding. Having to call a teacher or a parent and admit the truth is always difficult for children but a necessary part of growing up.Have him spaek to the teacher first and then talk to her yourself when he's done. Good luck!

[Dulcee]

My Mom works in an elementary school and honestly they run into this issue a lot. Her way of thinking has always been kids like to relay stories about things they've done and when they've got nothing to tell they often make it up, especially the ones who just like to be the center of attention or hold a teacher's attention.

When she knows it to be untrue my Mother will often talk to the student after class about it, stressing that while its fun to imagine those experiences you shouldn't say things have happened that hasn't (she's in a younger grade though, 1st-2nd)

Since your son is older it might be a good idea to have a conversation about it, maybe not a punishment. If he just thought it would be funny or amusing it might be worth punishment. If it continues, he's doing it and not recognizing that these things aren't real or he doesn't see the problem with it try talking to your school guidance counselor. If his white lies become a common occurrence there might be some other underlying issue that might be worth addressing through discussions and not
punishment.

As far as the teacher. Explain your son was mistaken and if your honestly concerned inquire if there have been any other moments where your son was exaggerating. Better off finding out and doing something about it before it becomes a bigger issue.

[DisneyMom12]

Maybe he can call the teacher himself and explain. It seems when kids have to take responsiblitlity for their own actions it's better then any grounding. Having to call a teacher or a parent and admit the truth is always difficult for children but a necessary part of growing up.Have him spaek to the teacher first and then talk to her yourself when he's done. Good luck!

I could not agree more. My DS now14 was made to tell the truth to person he lied to,and he had some whoppers, and that really made a difference.

[MississippiDisneyFreak]

My son used to do this and when I caught him I would call him on it...he would always say he didn't know why he lied, the good news though he did outgrow it.

[clausjo]

Thanks for all of the great advice. We talked to DS last night and explained that, although we appreciate and encourage his imagination, this was not the best place for it. He's supposed to be letting his teacher know today that he didn't take this trip. We told him he didn't need to make the announcement to the entire class, but to just speak with her quickly before class started. I simply sent her an email back letting her know that he would be speaking with her today about it. Hopefully this will curb the creativity in this type of siutation a bit.

Thanks again everyone, this is why I love Intercot!!!

[Jillirose]

I would do what I did when my son got caught stealing. I would go with him to the teacher and have him make an apology for not being truthful.

The discomfort my son felt immediately helped him stop. I went with him to support him and then to confirm with him after that fact that he did the right thing.

[Ian]

So I'm going to come at this from a bit of a different approach. I'm no doctor ... I don't play one on TV ... I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night ... and really you have no reason to listen to me at all except that I'm a parent too (a father of four) and my gut tells me this wasn't really "lying" as I would definte it.

This strikes me almost a form of escapism. To me it seems like a child who feels like something is missing in his life or doesn't feel special. He sounds like he was trying to come up with something "exciting" to share with others to make what he views as a relatively dull or unrewarding existence seem more (for lack of a better word) fabulous.

I could be totally off base, but I can tell you that if one of my kids did this I think I would have a long talk with them to try and uncover the "why" ... and I'd spend a lot more time on that than I would on punishing them for telling an untruth. Just my two cents, though, so do with it what you will.


What I mean to say is if she did something naughty but told me the truth...I would not punish her and explain to her that though she did something wrong....she was not being punished for it because she was honest with me and that was equally important.This is an approach I completely agree with and use myself. I think it's critical for parents to encourage their children to feel comfortable telling the truth. The absolute worst thing you can do is make your kids afraid to be open and honest with you ... later on that can really, really be a dangerous thing when it comes to truly risky behavior.

I always tell my kids that if they're truthful with me about what they've done that, while I can't promise them I won't punish them at all, the punishment will be significantly less severe. Many times their honestly will result in nothing more than a discussion about what they did, why it was wrong, and the repercussions that will occur if they repeat the behavior.

The key is you absolutely have to live up to your promise ... if you tell them to be honest and you'll treat them fairly you can't flip out and scream and yell and go berzerk when they come clean. You have to follow through with your promise otherwise it will have the opposite effect ... they'll learn not to trust you at all.

So to lighten the mood just a bit I'll tell kind of a funny story that fits with the theme of this thread ... DD8 has a friend at school who is about to take her first trip to WDW. DD told her that she's been to WDW 22 times and the girl essentially called DD a liar, told her she was making that up, etc. etc. etc.

So this girl's Mom happens to be friends with my wife. They bumped into each other walking around the neighborhood and the girl's Mom in the general course of conversation says, "Oh Lindsey tells me that your daughter has quite a vivid imagination." DW was sort of surprised because DD really isn't one prone to tall tales so she asked the woman what she was talking about. She course responded, "Oh she told Lindsey that she had been to Disney World 22 times. Isn't that funny?"

DW kinda laughed and said, "No ... she really has been to Disney World 22 times."

Needless to say the other woman was :jaw: