Are you a parent AND a teacher?

[BelleKP]

I've been an elementary teacher for over 10 years now and I've had my share of students whose parents were teachers. I used to dread those interviews, because they always seemed to think they knew their child's academic abilities better than me, and somehow I, the teacher, had it wrong . . .

But now here I am on the other side of the desk, so to speak, and my DD is in grade one. She received her first 'real' report card and I, the parent (and teacher), am unhappy with the marks. Don't get me wrong, she's a good student and I'm well aware it's 'only' grade one . . . but I still don't feel like her marks reflect her ability and I'm having a really hard time being in this role. I would love to defer to my DH, but it's hard to relinquish being involved in her learning, when it's so much a part of who I am.

So how do you handle this? Being a teacher AND a parent? How do you handle putting the role of being a parent ahead of your education/training? And how do you stay in the parent role when talking to your child's teacher about your questions/concerns?

Thanks for your understanding and support!

[DizneyRox]

Yeah, that's a tough one.

I've got a couple friends who are integrated into the profession. I kindof got a kick out of a few incidents they were having with their child. Of course it was the other kids, not their precious... No way, not even a consideration.

Turns out, it was... precious that is...

I could have told them that, but far be it from me to tell someone how to parent their child.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to see ALL the clues. Not saying there aren't bad teachers out there, but often perceptions are clouded by emotion. There's a lot of emotion involved between parents and children.

[cer]

I used to teach. Not long, though. My parents are retired elementary teachers as well, so I feel somehow experienced to offer advice.

I taught for 3 years after I graduated college. (1st and 2nd grade) My perspective was all wrong back then. Once you have children of your own, your whole world view changes. I have a daughter (12) and son (10) and we are right in the thick of school.

You know what your child is capable of based on what she does at home. The teacher only knows what is being shown in the classroom. So, I'd start with your student. Why are they not performing at the level you know they can? Are they distracted in class? Is it a group learning situation, and your child prefers to work alone? Begin by evaluating your child's learning style and classroom behavior. Is she paying attention or easily pulled off task? I would start there. There may be some things that your student can take ownership of and correct on her own.

Ask the teacher, what is my child doing or not that is causing them to get grades that do not reflect what you believe are the child's capabilities. Also, if possible, ask the teacher how your child's work compares to the kiddos that are getting the higher grades. I know that this is a little taboo, but if your child is being way out-performed, then she may need extra help at home to get at the level you want her to be.

Maybe reading is a struggle and she just needs that little extra practice to get her confidence up. Maybe she has difficulty with fine motor skills, making writing a chore, so maybe a little practice at home could help all subject areas. I have seen kids who take forever, because their pencil skills need improvement. Also, can she see? My son was struggling in class to see of all things! When your brain is putting in all that extra work to just see, well, that just makes class work all that more difficult. These are just some random thoughts, but practical ones that could make a difference.

I do know that you can't be oppositional with the teacher. You need to take the attitude of what can we do at home and what can the teacher do in the classroom to help your student. In the end, you need to remember that everyone including your child's teacher wants her to succeed.

[BelleKP]

You know what your child is capable of based on what she does at home. The teacher only knows what is being shown in the classroom. I know this to be true . . . and this is what I've been trying to figure out. I had talked to the teacher about this back in the fall and talked to my DD about asking for help when she needs it and always showing her best. All of her learning skills (work habits) went up on her report card, but no improvement was shown in her subject areas . . . how is that possible?

Also, if possible, ask the teacher how your child's work compares to the kiddos that are getting the higher grades. I know that this is a little taboo, but if your child is being way out-performed, then she may need extra help at home to get at the level you want her to be. This is a concern of mine, because I do feel that she is being compared to her peers and not to the curriculum exemplars. My DD is in a self-contained gifted class, with some VERY high achieving students . . . but regardless of her placement, she should be assessed based on the curriculum and not in comparisson to her peers.

I do know that you can't be oppositional with the teacher. You need to take the attitude of what can we do at home and what can the teacher do in the classroom to help your student. In the end, you need to remember that everyone including your child's teacher wants her to succeed. And this is where my deep breathing exercises are coming in handy . . . my knee jerk reaction is to go in 'guns a blazin'! But I do like her teacher and my DD is happy in her class. I know we all want her to be successful. And I even know that in the grand scheme of things, it won't matter one bit what she got on her grade one report card. So I'm distressed that I'm taking this all too personally :(

[dnickels]

Sometimes it takes an outsider to see ALL the clues. Not saying there aren't bad teachers out there, but often perceptions are clouded by emotion. There's a lot of emotion involved between parents and children.

I have a good friend who is a psychologist and she diagnoses and deals with a lot of kids who have developmental disabilities. One of her colleagues (another psychologist) had a child who was having problems in school and learning so the child was sent to an objective party (my friend the psychologist) for a diagnosis. After evaluating the child she said it was clear as day textbook autism. The mother of the child -a psychologist who should be able to see these kinds of things- doesn't believe the diagnosis.

(Not to imply that the OPs child could have autism at all, just to show that it's almost impossible to be 100% objective when it's your own child even for people who are experts in the field, and that subjective things will always get in the way)

The teacher is the objective evaluator here and so if the child is performing below the other students it means just that, the child is performing below the other students. If you were to ask the parents of every other child in class they'd probably say their child is 'capable' of being one of the brightest in class as well.

I wouldn't doubt or question the teacher's evaluation if you go in to meet with them, it's just what he/she sees on a daily basis as compared to the other students. What I would do is as a previous poster explained, see how your child can fix it. Be sure to treat the teacher the same way you'd want parents of your students to treat you if you had given their child a less than perfect evaluation.

[BelleKP]

The teacher is the objective evaluator here and so if the child is performing below the other students it means just that, the child is performing below the other students. If you were to ask the parents of every other child in class they'd probably say their child is 'capable' of being one of the brightest in class as well.

Teachers should NOT be comparing students to their peers but to the provincial curriculum, norms and exemplars. My concern is that my DDs teacher IS comparing her to her classmates, at which rate I would firmly agree that she is NOT the brightest in a class . . . an expectation I would NEVER have for my daughter.

[Janmac]

I notice that you are in Canada. Here in the States, students are often graded "on the curve" which is comparing students to each other, essentially. I like the idea of comparing the student to an exemplar.

I am wondering about the comparing to an exemplar. Is this, in fact, what the teacher of your DD is doing? Is there a perceived difference in a gifted class? Does an exemplar exist?

As to why is this bothering you so much, maybe you are reacting to what you feel is unfair treatment (not being compared to the exemplar). Perhaps, since your DH does not seem concerned, your taking it personally is because you are a teacher. I have wondered how some teachers react when their children are academically or behavorially challenged. Do they feel this is a reflection on their skills, even tho there may not be a direct correlation between teaching and parenting skills. Or are they concerned that others may make that correlation.

I am not a teacher/parent, but I have been involved in the care of many children over the years. A good rule of thumb as to how serious is a situation, or how much interference should there be, is how happy is the child. If the child is content, and is progressing, then perhaps you'll have to do a lot deep breathing.

You can think of it as practice for when you have to really let go - when she leaves home!

Jan

[BandMan]

Here in the States, students are often graded "on the curve" which is comparing students to each other, essentially.

Actually, that practice is becoming more and more rare, and is almost never done in lower grades.

to the OP, I know what you mean about taking that deep breathe. It's tough when you know your child at a certain level and can feel that the teacher is not seeing him/her as they should. You like her teacher. Good. It's going to get tougher when she has a teacher you don't like. And she will. I have been in this situation several times. It's never easy.

The best advice I can give you is to walk away. You know this is only one grade. As you have said, in the grand scheme it won't matter that much. And your child is happy. If she's doing well and this grade doesn't negatively impact her, all the more reason to let it go.

If it helps, stop and think for a moment how you would feel if she was questioning you about a grade her child had earned in your class.

[Magic Smiles]

I see that your daughter is in a self-contained gifted class. Not sure what that is, but my DS was a gifted student who chose to stay with his friends in a regular class. All through school I felt that he was marked harder than the majority of his classmates because he was designated as "gifted". It was frustrating at times, but there was not much that we could do about it. I did question one teacher about his marks and she just proceeded to make the rest of his year, lets say not great. He still did extremely good, receiving an excellent scholarship and I am proud to say that after his 1st semester in University he is on the Dean's List.
As you said it is only Grade 1. Another option would be to put her into a regular class and you should definitely see her marks improve. Maybe she is feeling stressed about school by being in a class with some VERY high achieving students.

[IloveDisney71]

I'm a teacher and I have two children who are now in college so we've made it all the way through school with mostly good teachers and only a couple of teachers that were not so great. One of our children was gifted and the other had learning disabilities so we dealt with children on both ends of the learning spectrum. Any time that I had to meet with a teacher about either of my children I always tried to remember what it was like when I was having my own parent conferences. I know what puts me on the defensive as a teacher so I always tried to remain open-minded and receptive to what their teachers were saying. It sounds as if your daughter is doing okay just not as well as you'd like her to be. Grades are just grades. I know that's a weird thing for a teacher to say but I think it's easy to get so wrapped up in grades that you forget to focus on the learning that is taking place sometimes. I did that with my child that had learning disabilities. I worried that she didn't have all A's but then I had to accept that B's and sometimes C's were the best she could do and that was okay. It wasn't as if those were failing grades and who says everyone has to make straight A's? :)

[Jillirose]

I've been teaching 21 years. My kids go to public school and are 15 and 12. We do not judge our kids by grades at all. As a teacher, I realize that grades are somewhat subjective and only reveal a snapshot of what the student is doing. They do not measure social skills, creativity or problem solving ability.

We simply ask that our kids do their personal best and we reinforce the progress we see in their growth. One of my children has been straight As all the way through, the other struggled early on and has some attentional issues. He received additional reading help and gets a lot of support from his sister and I at home with schoolwork.

There is enough high pressure at school, and I strongly feel that adding to it, by emphasizing grades actually back fires in the end. Children should learn to evaluate their own progress and set goals for themselves - earning self satisfaction.

[BelleKP]

Thanks to everyone for their supportive responses! I really do appreciate it!

There is enough high pressure at school, and I strongly feel that adding to it, by emphasizing grades actually back fires in the end. Children should learn to evaluate their own progress and set goals for themselves - earning self satisfaction.
Let me assure you that I completely see this as 'my issue'. I have never once discussed my concerns with my daughter, nor do I ever put any pressure on her for her learning/grades. In fact when we received her report card, she didn't look at it at all. All she asked was how she did in her learning skills area, because as she said, 'I try really hard to be a good student'. She's an amazing girl, very creative, compassionate and giving. She actively seeks out learning opportunities and has amazing initiative and motivation for a girl her age. Her area of giftedness is definitely in the area of social awareness, problem solving and creativity. Those are the qualities that we enourage and praise her for!