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View Full Version : HELP! DD6 is hitting her sister.



TheVBs
08-26-2010, 03:34 PM
Ok, this is a genuine plea for help. I know there are a lot of great parents and great teachers on Intercot and I desperately need some constructive advice on how to correct this bad habit. The last few weeks DD6 has had a real problem keeping her hands to herself when she's angry. What's happening is that she'll be playing with DD10 and get angry over something and hit or kick her. I've overheard most of these situations, and DD10, while sometimes being a snot, is not doing anything to warrant being hit (not that anything really warrants that). It's like DD6 cannot manage her anger recently. I don't know if this is an age thing, a phase or what. It's happening at least once a day and today she did something that was potentially dangerous. I was furious.

This is an otherwise loving, socially outgoing child. They've always bickered and there has been the rare incident of hitting or pushing from both of them, but this is just too much. They also sometimes play just beautifully together, and play beautifully if they're at a friend's or if friends are over.

I have tried every tactic I know to deal with this. I have offered rewards and praise when she uses her words instead of hitting or when she walks away from an upsetting situation. I have taken things away from her (American Girl doll, special activities, computer, tv), returned these things after a certain amount of time without hitting, given her time outs, have even permenantely taken some things away. For whatever it's worth, we do not spank. I do not want this to turn into a debate on that issue. I'm stating that so people know it's not on our list of options, NOT passing judgement on those who choose to do it.

She starts kindergarten in just a couple weeks and I am so worried about this problem transferring there! She's very, very excited about starting school, wants to start right now. She loves to learn and loves being in a classroom. She's very social.

Any constructive suggestions or insight from experience would be most welcome! Thanks!

Disney4us2
08-26-2010, 03:48 PM
I don't have any advice. Good luck in finding a solution to your situation.:pixie::pixie::pixie:

Evil Genius
08-26-2010, 04:18 PM
We actually encountered a similar issue with our DD8 in the past year or so becoming very aggressive with her six-year-old sister. Hitting, kicking...violent verbal outbursts to the point of physical threats and the straw that broke the camel's back...she choked her.

We tried everything in our power to deal with it including time outs...punishments...you name it...nothing was helping. We were willing to deal with it at home until she lashed out at a few of the younger girls at the dance school she attends and we knew enough was enough. We finally sought counseling for her.

After a session or two the doctor said she had some anger management issues and gave us some therapies to assist her with and we continue her sessions and the improvement is night and day! No medications...just having someone who's a professional to see this from a third party perspective.

I hope this helps.

brownie
08-26-2010, 05:10 PM
You can try giving her some other strategies to use. When something does happen, there needs to be an immediate, meaningful consequence. I would also involve your other daughter. Help her to understand what she does to trigger the response and encourage her not to do those things. How consistently have consequences (positive or negative) been applied, especially between you and your husband? If the consequences aren't consistently applied, they won't be much help. If you assign a consequence to a behavior and then go back on that when the behavior occurs, you'll weaken the consequence.

You might consider reading Whale Done and Whale Done Parenting. They deal with positive reinforcement and might have some helpful thoughts for you.

It can be tough. Timeouts didn't work with our one son. When you sit someone in a chair and they tell you that it's okay, they still have their imagination to use, it makes it hard to use that as a consequence. Consequences need to be immediate, consistent, and meaningful. You need to find what will work for your daughter, set the behavioral expectations, and follow-through.

joonyer
08-26-2010, 05:46 PM
Each time it happens: use immediate confinement to her room with no entertainment and no meals until the next day. NO talking about it, NO "discussions" about right and wrong, just consequences. This is not cruel and unusual punishment, she will absolutely not starve to death.
This will probably not be a "convenient" solution for you. But if you are looking for behavior modification that is easy and convenient for you, you will always find a reason why not to do it, and you'll end up having to endure even worse behavior. Draw a line in the sand and be firm. Sometimes parenting can be difficult and inconvenient. But it won't kill you, or the child. If this behavior does not stop within a week, then consult a Dr. or counselor. I'll bet it'll stop pretty quickly.

BellesRose
08-26-2010, 06:19 PM
Is it anger or is she acting out for attention? If it's anger, I would try talking to her to get to the root of the problem, and then deciding if further counseling is necessary. If you think she's just acting out, take her out one night for a girls night. But I wouldn't reward bad behavior! No matter what you decide to do, it's important to make it clear that hitting is never acceptable.

TheVBs
08-26-2010, 08:15 PM
Thanks for your responses guys! I really do appreciate it.

Evil Genius, if this escalates and/or we can't put a stop to it we'll most certainly consult our doctor. Our DD10 suffered from anxiety and panic attacks after a serious illness, and she has been helped so much by a wonderful doctor we found. So we do appreciate that there are times when you have to go that route.

Brownie, I think you're right and we've been trying to give her other tools to deal with these upsets. And I do think we need to discuss what's triggering them more. Our responses in these cases are immediate and consistent. No hitting is a hard and fast rule here. Although I will admit that for lesser things I tend to go with the 3 strike method - perhaps overall that sends a mixed message. We always try to make the punishment very meaningful to her. But there are times when she really suprises me and isn't affected by it much. I will look for those books you suggested at the library, thank you!

Jooyner, I do think you've given me some really valuable advice. She absolutely hates time outs (although they don't always seem to be a deterrent). I can't give them to her in her room though, she's far too content there, even if she's confined to her bed. I put her in a living room chair. I have tried discussing things with her during that time, but I think you're right, it's providing her with interaction when the punishment is supposed to be no interaction. Today I demanded that she sit there and be absolutely silent and I would not respond. I think that had more of an impact. I'm not a big fan of the no dinner thing, only because I'm very conscious of the dangers of making food a reward or punishment. However, I am willing to take that risk if it means putting an end to this behavior, so I'll file that one away for possible future use!

BellesRose, I feel pretty confident she's doing this out of anger. I've witnessed it and I see her little face turn bright red, and she either hits out or acts like she's going to. She is a total attention hog however and I think some special time with mom and/or dad would help. But, you're right, I would have to distance it from the bad behavior so it doesn't look like a reward. I do try to give both girls a lot of my time, but there are many days when I'm trying to get the bills done, dishes, cook, yadda yadda yadda - I'm sure you all know what I mean.

One thing that helped DD10 with her anxiety a LOT was a book called What To Do When You Worry Too Much. It really hit home with her and helped her. It's written for kids. There's another in the series about anger and I've just put it on hold at the library in the hopes that it will help DD6.

And Disney4us, I will take all the pixie dust I can get - thank you so much!

BellesRose
08-26-2010, 08:45 PM
Best of luck to you guys :thumbsup:

MNNHFLTX
08-26-2010, 09:28 PM
I think you've already been given some good advice. I'm wondering, though, if her recent behavior has to do with starting kindergarten? Even though she may be very excited, she might also be experiencing stress or anxiety that she is not able to express and it could be coming out in her behavior. Everything could smooth out once she starts school, but I totally understand your concern. At the very least I would talk to her teacher and enlist her help in dealing consistently with her impulse/anger management, should the need arise.

Mousefever
08-26-2010, 10:56 PM
I have an unusually good memory of my childhood. When I was 6 - 8 years old I had problems controlling my behavior when I lost my temper. I had an older sister too. My sister was an expert at getting me to lose my temper. She was able to fight verbally. Since she was much more articulate than I was at that age, I would go after her with my fists. She was an expert at the "stiff arm to the forehead" technique so I rarely landed a blow.

When I think back to that time, I believe that it was my lack of ability to verbalize my anger that made me strike out physically. I remember knowing that it was a problem and I'm sure that my parents were disciplining me in a consistent manner. I also remember asking my parents for one of those punching clowns that always returned to an upright position so I could express my anger in a harmless way. I was upset that they said no and I still think that it might have helped me.

I think that your daughter needs some tools that will help her calm down when she feels she is getting close to losing her temper. Learning to control your behavior takes some time, but if the discipline stays consistent, I'm sure she will learn.

By the way, my favorite parenting book is "Parenting with Love and Logic". It teaches kids natural consequences to their behavior.

I want to add that I was a pretty good kid other than this problem and I'm sure your daughter is too. :mickey:

Amy

VWL Mom
08-27-2010, 08:38 AM
Having gone through this, my heart goes out to you. As other's have mentioned, my son's anger stemmed from the inability to verbalize (he was 5 when diagnosed). He was a talker with an extensive vocabulary but his brain was miss wired (auditory processing), something you wouldn't know to look at.

My only suggestion for you is if she has a problem in K, compare notes with the teacher immediately. If possible, ask the district to have her evaluated. If it is any type of processing problem they can identify it early and you can then address it accordingly. If it's simply bad behavior, then you'll know that too.

Play therapy, as others have suggested, is a great idea. It did teach coping skills which he still does call upon sometimes at age 15.

Best of luck :pixie: :pixie: :pixie:

TheVBs
08-27-2010, 08:45 AM
Beth, I think that's very possible. Starting kindergarten is so important to her, and even though it's important in a good way, she may still be really stressed out. Maybe the open house and first day will help settle her nerves. The first day is just two hours, with a parent and the kids do a scavenger hunt to find their locker, the bathrooms, etc. Also, I hate to admit this, but I've pointed out this type of behavior will be unacceptable in school, thinking this would motivate her, but perhaps it stressed her out more. I'll definitely let her teacher know what's been going on. I don't want there to be any surprises in the classroom if I can help it.

Amy, thank you! You've reminded me that I went through the same thing about that age with my big sister. There's a 7 year difference between us, so you can imagine how easy it was for her to push my buttons. And I really do suspect that something like this may be contributing to the behavior. She really, really is a good girl otherwise, very spirited and challenging sometimes, but good. I will check our local library for that book, thank you! Sometimes when you're in the middle of all this, it's hard to come up with logical tools and solutions.

She's lost TV and computer for a week. It's going to be a pain to enforce because DD10 obviously hasn't lost them, but what can you do?
Thanks everyone for such thoughtful responses!
Susanne

TheVBs
08-27-2010, 08:52 AM
VWL Mom, just read your reply, thank you! Yes, she has a very extensive vocabulary as well. It seems to be hit or miss as far as her ability to handle these situations. I've heard her use her words and make very mature decisions, but lately she just loses it and hits. I do think I need to sit down with both girls and try to figure out exactly whats happening and perhaps we can do some role playing to practice better responses.

We're also so lucky to have a wonderful school staff to work with! With DD10's anxiety issues, I work very closely with her staff and we really work as a team. If they do something that works well I transfer that to home, and vise versa. I know she'll be in a healthy, caring environment there. I don't know her kindergarten teacher, but I'm sure within a few months we'll know each other very well. I think if we can give DD6 some alternatives she can get past this. Certainly taking things away has not had the effect that I'd hoped. Not giving up on that, I just think I need another approach as well.

TheVBs
09-01-2010, 03:12 PM
Just wanted to say thank you again to every one! :mickey: We've had a lot of progress on this!

First we did some role playing so that I could find out exactly what was going on between the girls when these things would happen. I gave both girls some better options when speaking to each other and playing together. And it also gave me a chance to show them how they might be hurting each other's feelings.

Second, I kept up with the time outs and kicked things up a notch by taking away TV and computer for a week when she hit her sister.

Third, I picked up an amazing book called "What to do when your temper flares." It's written by the same author that wrote an anxiety book, "What to do when you worry too much", that helped our oldest daughter a lot. There are some excellent anger management techniques in there that she's been practicing and that we can easily carry over into school, if necessary, when she starts.

We've had no issues now for days! Fingers crossed that she keeps improving!

Mousefever
09-01-2010, 07:40 PM
It's great to hear that things are going so well! Good job staying consistent. Don't forget, the foundation you lay now, helps them stay on track as teenagers. (I said help, not guarantee.)

Amy

TheVBs
09-02-2010, 02:35 PM
It's great to hear that things are going so well! Good job staying consistent. Don't forget, the foundation you lay now, helps them stay on track as teenagers. (I said help, not guarantee.)

Amy

Thank you! :mickey: I can't even think about them being teenagers. :faint: