11 year old boy help!

[tyandskyesmom]

11 is apparently a difficult age for Tyler.

He has been in more trouble at school this year than all the rest put together.

At first it was being caught stealing out of a friend's desk in class.

Now we are having issues with writing on his desk (just a capital cursive G and an S) and leaving pencil shavings on the floor under his desk instead of cleaning it up, which caused pencil on the floor after his feet pushed it all around. On top of it all, is the lying that accompanies it all. He will lie to the teacher and the principal and then will lie to me (usually a different lie) until I ask the teacher or principal and get the truth. Now, as if there have not been enough problems with him and writing on things after five days of the latest issue, I get a call from the principal in regards to the note I sent letting her know that some of Tyler's books had a lot of writing in them and have for a while and he has told me it was there when he got it. So they checked his books and one of them is brand new this year...so they know it was him who did it...even though he has told me it isn't whenever I asked...and she said that he also wrote a sixth grader's name in the front of the book after his (so he is not even a smart liar) as if trying to blame him for the writing. But while I was talking to him yesterday abot lying and how it only gets you in more trouble, etc...and asked him if he had anything else to tell me or to have me sign or to show me and him saying "no" I get the call today from the principal. And the worst part is that she told him yesterday that she was going to call me today and let me know...so yesterday he had every opportunity to approach the subject and he chose not to...which to me, is essentially lying again!

I have no idea where this is coming from. He is super smart, almost moved up a grade in first grade, and active. He knows that is not acceptable...we do not allow writing or stickers or anything where it does not belong at home, we don't deface other people's property or public property. I don't know what I have done wrong...and I don't know how to stop it. At this point, he is already grounded (no video games, no TV, no outside, and sleeping in his own room)...

I am suspecting some kind of feeling like he is not recognized for what he does but I cannot seem to put that with what he is doing though. Let me explain. In school, they do not have an honor roll. They do not have any kind of honors classes. Essentially, it is like they don't want to point out the smart kids because it would make the other kids feel bad...yes, truely, that is how it is in our district...they pretty much have dumbed down the whole thing. They do have an Advanced Talent Resources class that they get pulled out for that is centered on individual working and organizations, critical thinking. But there is no recognition for that. They do a "Student of the Month" in each class...I think a boy and a girl...his sister came home as student of the month within the first six months of kindergarten but he has never been. And yet, some kids in his class have been it three times and the explanation is things like "She always hands her work in on time"...well Tyler hands it in on time and gets 100%...but gets no recognition. He is on a baseball team that is made up of 11 and 12 year olds and managed by the same man who is his football coach and also has three kids on the team...and Tyler has not been given a chance to play where he usually does, where he wants to, and mostly sits the bench...and in football (which just got over) he is the younger group that just moved up to thes level so he is basically a bench sitter (along with 25-30 other kids) and is not being given the chance to earn a position...So I think he is feeling really under-welmed and like he is not getting the recognition that others are getting who are doing less than he is...and in other places, he is not being given the chance to do what he can...but I cannot make the cause justify the effect here...other than that, I cannot think why a kid with as much as he has and with two parents and a sister and two grandparents very involved in his life and wanting him to be a hapy, healthy kid would be doing these completely unnecessary, bad things???


HELP?!?!?!?!

[Lisaj13]

Ah, 11. I'm no authority on kids and especially not boys (I have 2 daughters), but when my 17-year-old was 11 it was an . . . . interesting time.

With her it was "You're not the boss of me", and ATTITUDE. Fortunately, it didn't last long, and the rest of her adolescence has been relatively easy.

All I can say is stay consistent, and know that you have my sympathy. This too shall pass.

[retiredfigment]

Taught in a gifted program for 20 years. Sounds like your son may not be challenged and many of your observations sound spot on. Find out what his interests are at the moment and insist that his teachers give him time to explore them.

[1DisneyNut]

Oh boy, 11 and fifth grade. I still remember those days myself. Fifth and sixth was the worst for both myself, my brother and my oldest son. It is a weird sort of time for boys. A lot is changing and they start growing a lot. Adolescence starts setting in. I found myself in a position where my childhood friends started heading down the wrong path. My family was stable, supportive and great.... theirs not so much. They started getting in trouble and I was sort of along for the ride. I was smart enough to know this wasn't good or the way I wanted to go but it was difficult figuring out what to do. I basically needed to ditch my friends and make new ones. I had an excellent teacher that pulled me to the side privately one day and spoke to me about all of this and he told me he knew it would be difficult but I needed to break away from that crowd and make new friends. He asked me to keep what we talked about between the two of us and I did. I thought about what he said and what I had been thinking and decided it was the right thing to do. I stopped hanging around with them, made new friends and my grades bounced right back. Basically I was struggling with how to fit in at middle school, especially since I excelled in school while my friends at the time did not. He may be in a similar situation.
As for the sports, a lot of things can have an effect on playing time and position played. I have coached youth ball teams and two of the main things that have an impact on a particular player's utilization are their attitude and effort. If they are giving the coach attitude, they won't see much playing time. If they are not putting forth an effort during practice, missing or late to practices, they won't see much playing time. My guess is that the same things that are landing him in trouble at school are the exact same things effecting his sports activities. I would suggest talking to the teachers and coaches. Someone in the chain somewhere will most likely have a good idea of what may be the problem and can talk to him. Sometimes at this age they will listen to a role model whereas they sort of rebel against their parents.

[Mickey'sGirl]

What about assigning him some kind of special responsibility? Our DS just turned 12, and one of his responsibilities is to walk his little brother to school, and to pick him up at the end of the day (from the sitter's house around the corner from the school). We make sure he knows how important his job is, and how much we appreciate that he is doing something so important for us. DS is also responsible for feeding the dogs each day (for which they are extremely grateful!), mowing the lawn and unloading the dishwasher. We also let him make his own decisions concerning when he does his homework and what he eats for breakfast and lunch (as long as he does those things).

He takes his responsibilities very seriously, and in turn we give him more freedom to make his own choices. He gets to feel like he's in control of what he is doing, while still doing what is expected of him by his father and I. It has worked very well (so far!) for us.

I hope that you and your school find something to challenge him in the meanwhile. I know that there are all kinds of learning programs that could provide an outlet for him creatively ... such as creating a comic etc. That's something that could be ongoing, and easy to do within the classroom (he seems to like to write on things, this is why I suggest it).

I wish you luck .... from what I understand, these tween years are the tough ones. :hug: to get through them!

[DVC2004]

I appreciate your post and look forward to the responses to it as well. We have been going through some very similar stuff with our 11 year old son for the past year and a half. We've tried different approaches but haven't seen much change. Very frustrating...I wish I had some advice for you but we're in the same boat right now!

[vizsla]

We don't have a son but a DD. She started getting into trouble in school beginning at the new year. And the lying, atitude, etc. was getting my blood pressure boiling with her since she never behaved like that before. I just put the hammer down and began taking away something she liked and grounded her every time there was an incident. I can tell you that in her case she straightened her self out really quick when she realized all the things she liked to do were know longer there or available any more. We gradually started giving things back to her as long as there were no problems and she is doing just fine now.

[Jillirose]

Haven't had the same issue, but have had issues with both of our kids at different times ;) We found a great counselor, and they met 4-5 visits, short term. They liked talking to someone who was outside of school and home.

[PirateLover]

The most important thing is that you recognize he is lying. I actually teach middle school, and most parents when faced with a child caught in a lie try to blame me. "No, my son/daughter is not a liar, they have never lied before, this is your fault" etc... I can't tell you the number of time I get the "kids always tell the truth!" line thrown out there!

If the parent won't recognize that the child is lying, then the problem just continues to get worse and worse. Now that you realize he is lying, you have to figure out the cause. Typically I involve a school counselor. If your school does not offer this, look into counseling on your own time. This can be a great help. Counselors/therapists are trained in methods to help children open up more than they would to their parents.

Good luck, I hope you are able to remedy your problem soon!

[Wadeace]

Oh the middle school years... such a crazy time for any boy. I hated those years, it was full hormones and feelings you don’t understand and cant explain. For me in know it was a time when I was experimenting with the boundaries my parents had set, seeing exactly what I could and couldn’t get away with. I'm sure a lot of us here wish we could tell you exactly what to do to make it all easier and to get your son to cooperate but no two experiences are the same. I would say to find something that he is interested in and look for an organized activity around that, for me it was band and theater. Also I know this sounds crazy because I’m sure it feels like you do it more than enough, but spend time with him, and the whole family, find activities you can all do together and talk to him about stuff he is interested in, more than the disciplinary talks, I know it sound simple but think of it like this, in your sons head the decision to act out might be a simple cost vs. reward scenario, the cost of being disciplined and the negative attention is out weighed by the reward of you attention. So spend time with him.

[magicalmom]

Is there anything else that interests him at which he would succeed? Theater, magic illusions, band or chorus, other sports, web site design, anything he can do well and be noticed?

Are there any family responsibilities he can take on, and thus earn back his privileges?

Or could he take on responsibilites outside the home, like help with Sunday School or Bible School (or whatever is analogous). Little kids adore older kids unconditionally - that might give him some of what he needs -

Or volunteer work? Food banks, make sandwiches?

Heaven knows, we're not perfect parents, but we seem to have more success when the kids feel valuable.

Good luck. It's not easy, I know.