Family jewlery given out of family...

[QTPie68]

I am so upset I just need to vent a little and see if anyone has had this issue happen to them. Sorry if this is too long, but a little history needs to be said.

My FIL and MIL are in their early 80's, they have been married for over 50 years and only to each other, my husband is their only child.

My MIL has been in a nursing home for over 8 years now. Her condition is not good and has dementia, but physically is sound. My FIL visits her every week, checks with her care and is very caring - - I cannot fault him with that at all.

We finally found out (although we had been guessing for a year) that he has a girlfriend of over two years. She is also the same age and is widowed. We tried to accept this, happy that he has found someone. He has obviously "moved on" in his heart and head. My FIL has decided to sell the house (we are happy about this decision) and move into the same apartment complex as his girlfriend. In doing so, he has been going through things in the house. One of the things was my MIL's jewelry. She and I had gone through many pieces (just costume, not anything of monetary value) when she was still at home (but sick) and at that time stated that they rest would come to me and my DH "at a later date"...we understood this meant her death. So, my FIL informed me he was sending "all of my MIL's jewelry except her engagement ring" to me since this is what she wanted. She even stated many times to my FIL "that he better not give her jewels to another wife after she died".

I got the package and was shocked to find that many of the newer pieces, including some we had given her, were missing. I thought perhaps he had given them to some cousins (my MIL has no other close female relatives), which was ok if that is what he wanted to do and wasn't going to say anything. But...the big kicker is that a very expensive (over $1,000) and very sentimental necklace was not included, a one-of-a-kind piece that my MIL wore to our wedding and promised me that day that I would have it to wear. She had the piece custom made to celebrate her surviving cancer. My DH called his father to ask about it, wondering if perhaps it was held back or given to another relative (which would have been ok with us). This was not the case.

My FIL admitted that he had given to his girlfriend as a Valentine's Day present. Apparently, he did not have the money to buy her "a big splashy" present, and gave her my MIL's necklace instead.......and yes, this lady KNEW that this piece is my MIL's. He also admitted this was not the first time he has done this, the other pieces missing have gone to her too...he wanted to give her some nice jewelry, couldn't afford it, and she was more than happy to accept them and wear them, fully knowing they were not bought for her, but another woman's.

We are heartbroken that such a sentimental piece has now left the family. My DH is so upset that his father would give away such items to a woman who doesn't even know his mother while his mother is still alive. Since they are not married, and could even break up, we will never see that necklace again in the family. We are now even fearing that the engagement ring will be given next. My FIL is not prone to such type of decisions, he is normally a very conservative guy....he is obviously in love and doing anything to "woo" her.

Thanks for reading my tale of woe :(.

[WelshieLover]

Oh, I so sympathize. What was he thinking? Is there anyway to talk to this woman and see if they can be returned. I guess one could say that it is your FIL's prerogative to do what he wants with the jewelry, but your MIL is still alive! Is your FIL himself suffering from some dementia? I just can’t fathom why he would feel the need to impress this woman so much.

[DVC2004]

Wow that's sad! I'm shocked that the girlfriend would accept it- knowing it was the MIL's. You have to wonder what she is thinking!

I'm really sorry and I wish I had some advice but I don't. Definitely poor judegment on several people's parts and disregard for family.

A quick story from my perspective- not the same thing but:
My wedding ring set is an hierloom from my husband's side. I'm unclear on how far back it goes. I know it is not his mother's, It may be his great- grandmother's. Regardless, I was a little taken aback by it when he proposed. Mostly because he has 2 sisters and I felt wierd taking the family jewelry. DH assurred me it had been put aside intended for him to give to his future wife. I still felt wierd.

Nonethless I have always felt wierd about it and we've been married a long time now. In fact it had a little damage to it that I thought I had done inadvertantly through daily wear. It's very old. I felt so bad- then his sister told me that damage had been thier for years!:mad: My husband made me feel guilty because he said I hadn't ben careful. So there's that part of it. Anyway- recently I noticed more damage so I have stopped wearing it. Instead I had a diamond given to me from my father in a man's ring taken out (my father died when I was 4 and my mother gave me his ring several years ago) and set in a women's solitaire. I really prefer that my DH keep his family's ring on thier side and I keep my dad's diamond on mine. I'nm not trying to offend him, I just know how it is and I think it should be with his neice or whatever. He doesn't agree.

[SBETigg]

That's so hard for you and your husband. I completely understand the sentiment attached to the items, and how wrong it feels to have them in hands they were not intended to be in. And there's really nothing you can do. You'll just have to console yourselves that the memories are all there, and it's just stuff. I know it was important to you and your husband, but the negativity will only hurt you more. You have to let yourselves feel it-- and then just let it go, and let your frustrations and hurt go along with it. Easier said than done. :hug:

[kakn7294]

What a sad story. I have no advice except to say that we've also been there and there's not much you can do if you wish to keep the peace. My DH and I agreed that no amount of money or material goods are worth losing his father over although I'd certainly love to lose his second wife. Good luck to you in a tough situation.

[QTPie68]

Oh, I so sympathize. What was he thinking? Is there anyway to talk to this woman and see if they can be returned.



This girlfriend has money too. She could easily afford to buy any piece of jewlery she wanted, it kills me that she has my MIL's :mad:. I could not ask for it back, it would make FIL upset and I would not do that to him.

This is a totally new world, with so many senior citizens out there, dating, re-marrying well into their late ages when perhaps a little bit of their judgement is slipping.

[NotaGeek]

Unfortunately its his to do with as he likes. I really thank goodness that my family has nothing in the way of "stuff" that we consider to be heirlooms -- my mother has Alzheimer's and over the years I have given her thousands of dollars in jewelry that she still wears every day -- even though she's very forgetful about a lot of stuff she never leaves the house without jewelry. :thumbsup:

My dad asked me about it thinking it would be a shame if she lost it or misplaced it and he wanted to know if I would like it back, and my answer was "the jewelry means nothing compared to the memory of her wearing it" -- we just aren't a collecting family.

[MNNHFLTX]

I totally understand your dismay with the situation. :( Hopefully your husband can prevail upon his father not to gift anymore of his mother's jewelry to the new girlfriend;that he can find other ways to show his affection. Unfortunately there is little else that can be done, as others have said. Your FIL might be very lonely (with the loss of his wife as he knew her) and a bit desperate to hold onto the new relationship.

I do understand your sadness--the sentimental value of items often mean more to people than the monetary value. A year after my mom died my dad suddenly sold the house they had lived in, as the memories there were too painful for him. There were many items of sentimental value (some of my mother's stuff and other things that she saved from our childhood) that were either sold in the estate sale or thrown away, I guess. To this day, I still think of things that I would have liked to have but now have no idea what happened to them. My dad was in such a rush to sell the house that we had very little time to let him know what we wanted to keep. Anyway, I wish we would have communicated with him about this earlier and I think it's a good thing that you have brought up the subject with your FIL now, so hopefully there won't be any further issues.

[QTPie68]

Anyway, I wish we would have communicated with him about this earlier and I think it's a good thing that you have brought up the subject with your FIL now, so hopefully there won't be any further issues.

It was very painful for DH and I to talk to FIL about that subject, but I am glad we did, FIL has been more forthcoming about things found that he would have thrown out or "given" to someone (we can assume he means his girlfriend - not other family members). We are going to pack up things from the house next month so FIL can get ready for his new place, which I know he is excited to move and I am think this is a very good thing.

And yes, he is lonely and obviously head over heels in love....I am most positive that they are planning marriage/cohabitation as soon as my MIL passes. It will come as a shock for many people.

[oopsadaisy2003]

I empathize with your situation, but I would have to question the character of a woman who would accept such gifts knowing that they belong to another woman. Although she may no longer be herself, the rightful owner is still living. After hearing the story of the necklace, that it was custom made after surviving cancer, I think I would convey this to her. If she understands the sentimental value of this to your family, maybe she will offer to return it or you could offer to replace it.

[Cinderelley]

I hate to sound really negative, but I would check into this other woman very carefully. I work in a geriatric hospital, and unfortunately, a lot of times we will see people taking advantage of others in your father's situation. If she really is aware of the facts surrounding this jewelry and took it anyway, I would be concerned about her principles and motives.

[diz_girl]

If she understands the sentimental value of this to your family, maybe she will offer to return it or you could offer to replace it.

I was thinking that you just buy her off. Maybe she's not a sentimental person and has no problem accepting another woman's jewelry, but doesn't know its significance to your family. Maybe she is decent and will give the necklace to you. Or she's a money-grubber (even though she has money of her own), which you can use to your advantage. So approach her, explain the situation to her and, depending on her reaction, offer to buy her a replacement or just to give her cash. If she is somehow attached to it, then tell her that the offer is indefinite and if she ever wants to get rid of it (if she and your father split up), then to please contact you first. You might also want to approach her family (in case she dies suddenly) and explain the situation to them and offer to buy it from them if they stand to inherit the jewelry. Morbid, yes, but they're old and you have to be pragmatic about it.

[VWL Mom]

I hate to sound really negative, but I would check into this other woman very carefully. I work in a geriatric hospital, and unfortunately, a lot of times we will see people taking advantage of others in your father's situation. If she really is aware of the facts surrounding this jewelry and took it anyway, I would be concerned about her principles and motives.

Sorry to say I was thinking along the same lines. If your MIL had passed it might be different but she is still alive. Additionally you say he is moving so I am assuming he is downsizing. Your DH may want to keep careful eye on the money he gets from the sale of his home.

[SBETigg]

Sorry to say I was thinking along the same lines. If your MIL had passed it might be different but she is still alive. Additionally you say he is moving so I am assuming he is downsizing. Your DH may want to keep careful eye on the money he gets from the sale of his home.

But there's really not much you can do. Is the dad so in love that he won't believe he is being taken advantage of, and just ends up insulted at the suggestion? Quite possibly. If you confront the woman, will she turn around and create a rift between father and son? Maybe. This kind of situation breaks up so many families and/or causes lots of hurt feelings. Try to protect the DH's dad, yes, but proceed very carefully. And where material possessions are involved, if they don't legally belong to you yet, there's really no recourse besides the hope that someone comes to their senses and does the right thing. So sad.

[QTPie68]

Luckily, my in-laws had the forsight to plan ahead and set up a Irrevocable Trust Fund for DH, so most of the money (that would be money his mother inherited - - not FIL's side) is already in that and cannot be touched by FIL or anyone but DH at a certain time. As for the house money - - this my FIL must "live off of the interest" in order to keep up standard of living. Of course, when he is able to re-marry, then all bets are off if money is combined.

As for the lady in question - - I hate to say it, but we checked her out :-o (yes, I do feel a little ashamed that we did, but FIL does not know and we wanted to make sure). While she may have questionable judgement, we cannot fault anything in her background.

We are just tabling this issue for now....one day, somehow......I will just keep a little prayer in my heart that my MIL's most precious jewlery piece will make it back into the family.

[Cinderelley]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"]
As for the lady in question - - I hate to say it, but we checked her out :-o (yes, I do feel a little ashamed that we did, but FIL does not know and we wanted to make sure). While she may have questionable judgement, we cannot fault anything in her background.

[COLOR]

I wouldn't feel ashamed. You were protecting your family. Lots of people do it. I know my DH "checked me out" before we got serious. Didn't bother me a bit.