What's the "RIght" Thing to Do Here?

[DVC2004]

I hate this. My youngest son's birthday is in December. He is the only one in the whole extended family that has a December birthday. Every year his birthday comes, and a particular family member does odd things. Either she will "forget" his birthday completely, or she will call to wish him a happy birthday but then give him a present a long, long time after the fact. I am not looking to be greedy for gifts, but the same family member acknowledges my other son's birthday every year. Additionally we do things for her children on thier birthdays. It's hurtful to my younger son when he sees his brother and cousins get things but then he does not. Last year she called him but that was it, then came over to give him and his brother holiday gifts at Christmas- then didn't mention his birthday at all. She called us 6 weeks later, well into January (or maybe it was even Feb by then) just to say hi and chat and finally I asked her about his birthday. She said Oh yeah sorry and I'll get him something right away. I said then do you want to stop the birthday exchange altogether (meaning for all the kids) and she said no. This year she has missed his birthday again. I think I am just ready to say let's not do this any more. :( I just don't like to see him hurt, especially by family.

[Hair_Razor]

Yeah it's a tough call. I think that exchanges are always a hard thing especially around the holidays. What if you made a point to make a special price limit or if the gifts were from this person always a book? It's educational plus it takes the pressure off "what am I gonna get this year?" especially if the kids always know that birthday presents from this person are always a book. Then Christmas is whatever, the kids will always get the same quality present for birthday and regardless of what time of year and it makes things simpler for the giver. Just an idea,:)

[DVC2004]

Yeah it's a tough call. I think that exchanges are always a hard thing especially around the holidays. What if you made a point to make a special price limit or if the gifts were from this person always a book? It's educational plus it takes the pressure off "what am I gonna get this year?" especially if the kids always know that birthday presents from this person are always a book. Then Christmas is whatever, the kids will always get the same quality present for birthday and regardless of what time of year and it makes things simpler for the giver. Just an idea,:)

Yeah that's an idea. We all collectively set a price limit a while ago, we asked her again a few years ago if that limit ($20) was still OK. But maybe we should revisit that again or the education suggestion like you said.

[Itchy]

I have a sister inlaw that did the same thing to my daughters when they were kids. She appeared to favor the youngest because the oldest had a tendency to speak her mind or dress the way her aunt did not approve.

Anyway we addressed the problem with her and it was kind of she did not care how we or she felt about the situation. We just told her if she was not going to treat both girls the same dont do anything for them at all.

And that is where we are today. I still do not have a great respect for her today and that goes back alot further than the kids.

Basicly she was an only child and is still as spoiled brat, and that is my brothers problem.

[SBETigg]

It wouldn't be right to try to tell her what to do or try to regulate gift giving, though you can mention that your son's feelings have been hurt and decide if you would prefer not to accept gifts from her for either of your children. I wouldn't make it an issue in your own giving. If you want to give her children gifts and regularly do so, why stop? It's not their issue.

You can talk to your son and explain that she probably doesn't mean to hurt his feelings-- it is the unfortunate bummer of having a December birthday. The same thing happens to a few friends of mine with birthdays in the month. People get so caught up with budgeting Christmas that they either forget or have little room for much else. It seems that your family member has decided it's fine to move his birthday to a later date at her convenience. While this seems rude, she might think it's a perfectly acceptable practice that suits everyone. Unless you let her know that your son feels the snub when he sees the special care she pays others on their actual birthdays (though of course he appreciates that she thinks of him later).

[Jeff]

My daughter was born mid December and my wife on Christmas Day.

Thus, my family feels your pain! We have no solution to offer as both my girls have been hurt by such insensativity time and time again.:(

[Disney4us2]

My DD has a Dec Birthday too (12/4). I know that Dec birthdays can be forgotten due the the busy holiday season. She personally has not had the situation that your DS has.


Last year I made her a party in January and that seemed to work out well. Maybe this would help your DS to celebrate either before his birthday or afterward in January. That way that particular family member would remember his birthday. Just an idea.

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

My DH has an early January birthday, and has felt the same frustration as the December-birthday-crowd. Too many times his birthday feels like an "after-thought" instead of a special celebration in its own right.

I would be honest with her, letting her know that the kids notice it too, and that it needs to be fair, perhaps it is time to stop exchanging gifts, or a special meal instead of the gifts.

I have an aunt who treats my brother and I VERY differently, and even though I was the more "favoured" one, it still wasn't fair and it was really hard to be a part of ... kids especially notice when things aren't fair.

[CanadianWDWFan]

My MIL's birtday was Dec. 20. We always made a point to have a party for her before her birthday to help have separation from Christmas and her birthday. Perhaps having a family birthday party for your son might help get the message across.

[Hull-onian]

I have five birthdays in December. It is hard to remember every birthday. Alot of people leave my GS out because his birthday is three days after Christmas. Some people are really harried around the holidays. I'd feel badly if I forgot someone, I try not to though. I hope that this relative can get their act together. If not, just forget about it and move on.

[Dulcee]

In high school I had a friend who's bday was Decembe 26th. It was rough on family and friends so growing up she always did a big half birthday celebration exactly six months before. So if she was turning 16 that december she'd have a her 15 1/2 bday party with family and friends, as well as recieve gifts from her immediate family some time in late July. She was always fond of it.. on her real birthday they'd do dinner and a cake but no gifts as christmas was right before..

[Harmony Rose]

My son's birthday is 12/27 and when he was school age, family members, including my parents, would have one gift for him under the tree and write: "Merry Christmas / Happy Birthday" on it. Bless his heart, you could see in his eyes how hurt and confused he was.

After the family Christmas Eve celebration on the year he was turning 9, we were on the way home when Stephanie (daughter) leaned up to the front seat and whispered that Paul was crying. I turned around and he had his head buried in the corner of the back seat. I asked him what was wrong but he wouldn't tell me. When we got home I sat him down, and I will never forget what he said: "Please don't get mad at me, mom, but Jesus is the only birthday in December that anyone cares about. I wish I was born some other month."

I decided right then and there that he would never experience another hurtful birthday. There are 5 of us in my family who have a June birthday, including my mother and daughter, and 4 who have a July birthday, so I always hosted a family Summer Birthday Bash. I asked Paul if he would mind being included and we would celebrate his "half-birthday." He LOVED the new tradition. Of course, his sister wasn't too pleased with having to share the spotlight!

The funny thing was, even though he got gifts in June, the majority of my family would still give him a little something at Christmas, too. Which also didn't go over too well with his sister!

I'm sure this probably isn't a solution for you, and it IS a sticky spot to be in, but I'm sending you "mom-pixie-dust" for clarity on how to handle the situation, and sending your son birthday pixie dust so it will be special day. Good luck.

[PirateLover]

I have to say I am kind of shocked by what some of you December babies/relatives of December babies have gone through! My birthday just passed (Dec 3rd, in fact we just had my family over for cake tonight), and my brother shares a birthday with my grandfather on Dec 28th. I can easily say that none of us has really experienced any of the present discrimination (for lack of a better term!) that many of you speak of. In fact, I feel extra lucky reading all of this. Birthdays are a big deal in my family... I'm confident that my brother and I received the same amount/value of presents we would've gotten if our birthday was another month. I don't see how it's any harder to remember a December birthday than any other month... if it's a $$ issue, that I could see, but the simple act of remembering a family member's birthday should not be an issue. Writing it on the calendar, and making a simple phone call or signing a card is not that hard, Christmas season or not.

[dnickels]

I guess you've gotta weigh the benefits (i.e. -if she'll start treating all the kids the same) vs. the risks (for some families this could be the beginning of "...and we haven't spoken in 5 years").

You also say you asked her about the idea of giving up gift exchange but maybe that really would be a better idea. Don't leave it up to her, rather you could say that you really think you should give up gift exchange -kids getting older / want to focus on what's important (i.e. not 'stuff') / whatever neutral reason you can come up with.

I'm kind of surprised by the number of people who have noticed the discrepancy in their own lives. I'm a January birthday and growing up I remember my dad telling me that December/January kids usually don't get as many gifts or as much recognition but for the life of me I couldn't tell you if I or one of my brothers ever received more or less gifts / attention than each other or than our extended family members with birthdays at other times of the year. Heck I couldn't even tell you about any of the gifts but I remember the people and the things we did. Do kids or adults really keep track of how much they get and whether someone else got more?

I don't mean that to sound holier than thou -Lord knows I'm not. Growing up the cards with a $20 were better than the ones with a $10 and toys were better than clothes but I really can't ever recall paying enough attention to that to be envious or upset over it. :twocents:

[tyandskyesmom]

Tyler is Dec. 29th...so right in the middle of the holidays.

Normally, for our family parties (at least my mom's side of the family) I will send out a note to everyone who will be there letting them know I will be bringing a cake to celebrate Tyler's birthday as dessert for the Christmas party. My baby will be 11 in a few weeks :( and I think so far everyone has brought gifts and well wishes for the part of the evening that is designated as Tyler's Birthday party. The other side, well, we don't expect much. We usually try to do any other party (whether it is just friends or if it is a big "everyone" party) in January, giving people time to calm down after all the holiday activity.

Christmas time was the only time of the year I never wanted to have a birthday in and of course, that is what Tyler got. But so far, I don't think he even realizes the difference...incidentally, Skye's birthday has so far usually been a few days either side of Easter...so she faces the same sort of issues, just to a lesser degree. She gets a lot of people not coming to parties becasue of vacations or other holiday activities too.

[thrillme]

Hey PirateLover...Happy Birthday...you and I are TWINS...:D

It's hard to get people to actually see themselves and change their way of thinking. I don't know how close you are to this family member...if you can simply tell the "truth" and say..."you know "little joey" really loves you and it hurts him when you remember his brother's birthday and forget about him...I appreciate it when you do something later but by then...he's already felt like he was "left out" for a month"...is probably the best answer...if the family member continues their practice. You really don't have anything else you can do but tell the child that around Christmas people get stressed and assure him that YOU will NEVER forget his birthday.

BUT sometimes a direct approach isn't always the possible answer..

A friend of mine...his daughter was born around Christmas and they often had a similar problem. SOOOO they invented the novel idea of the "half birthday". They did just a immediate cake and punch birthday with Mom, Dad and siblings on the actual B-Day but they had the "party" on the half birthday (around May/June). That way they were able to invite their "friends" and it didn't get overlooked in December.

As much as I would LOVE to change people's behavior and they way they see things...I can't sometimes you just have to teach children it's not them...it's the other people and you just have to learn to let it go. It's not fair...but then neither are a lot of things in life.

The way I'm understanding your post it really doesn't have anything to do with the "gift" just about "fairness". If you favor one on his birthday...then you need to favor the other...or else just give both kids your love and a phone call on their respective birthdays.

[DVC2004]

Thanks everyone for the good replies. Looks like DS is not alone, which is sad. There are some good things here worth trying. It's not about the gift- truly- because we as his parents provide what he wants and anything else is just extra- but it's about treating a child that is part of a family like he is loved and important. I was raised that is what you do in a family, and if you do for one you do for all. Who wants to be forgotten, especially a kid? And he doesn't keep track on who gets this or that, but he does know when his aunt doesn't call, send a card or visit him on his birthday. :(

[crazypoohbear]

I have a sister who blatantly treated my older son better than my yougest son. And they had a joint birthday party every year. She would not give the younger one a present or even speak to him! this started when he was very young and continues to this day. he is 15 now. But, my oldest son, 20, doesn't like the way she acts toward him so he doesn't talk with her now. Just wanted to show you it could be much worse!
My mom has a december 18 birthday and she always talked about getting jyped when she was growing up. Some years I would celebrate her birthday on June 18th. Other times my sister and I would take her out on her birthday, some times to NYC, Boston, to dinners, to shows, we always made time to celebrate and make her birthday special for her.
Mom now has alzheimers and the "evil sister" who does that stuff with my son, had decided that NOW is the time for her to try to do things for our mother and trys to plan birthday parties for her or make arrangements to take her out to dinner for her birthday etc. Well, mom is now almost blind, can't really feed herself and will not know where she is or who she is with or what we are doing!?
She gets snitty when we talk about all the wonderful memories WE have of all the things we did with her when she was well.
Try to make the most of your son's birthday, he will remember the love you showed him and the memories that you make for him and the aunt will not be a factor in his celebrations eventually.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

What Crazypoohbear said is sad but oh so true. That sis makes no bones about the fact that she doesn't care for my nephew. And believe me he noticed and does remember. I may get his older brother a little bit more than I get him but his older brother is my godson as well as my nephew. And it's not a big difference, but he understands why. But I don't treat them differently,

If she can remember one child's birthday, she should be able to remember this one too.

Of course the same sister would also "forget" our birthdays and then say "oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday". To which I'd (sarcastically) reply, Yep, it's the same time EVERY year! So now we don't acknowledge her birthday either. Petty? I don't think so.

Your sis may find herself forgotten when the kids get old enough and choose not to celebrate anything with her. She'll have no one but herself to blame.

[meldan98]

My ODD has a December birthday (acually the same as Walt's) and we always go out of our way to make sure that her birthdays are special, even though some family and friends make it challenging at times. We make a real effort to keep almost all Christmas decorations out of the house until after her birthday. We will do the outdoor lights prior though, because it is easier to do them during our days off for the Thanksgiving. We also put up our advent calendar. The day after her party, we start putting up the rest of the decorations. When she was 1-3 years old, we just had family parties and they would show up with presents wrapped in xmas paper. Abby didn't understand, so it wasn't a big deal. Once we started having kid parties (and stopped inviting all of the adult family members) things changed dramatically. All of the adult family members brought her birthday presents wrapped in Christmas paper to our Christmas Eve party. They then handed the me to my ODD and told her they were her birthday presents since they weren't invited to her birthday party. This isn't a big deal now, since my YDD is just really little, but as she gets older she isn't going to understand why her sister gets so many presents as Christmas.

On the birthday question part of this, for those of you with multiple children, when you have a birthday party of one child, why is it that some people bring presents for the siblings too? At my YDD 1st birthday party, some our family and friends brought my ODD presents too. It was weird and awkward.

[crazypoohbear]

On the birthday question part of this, for those of you with multiple children, when you have a birthday party of one child, why is it that some people bring presents for the siblings too? At my YDD 1st birthday party, some our family and friends brought my ODD presents too. It was weird and awkward.

I just wanted to clarify that in my situation my son's were born three weeks apart and we always have a joint party for them.
As for randomly bringing gifts for the other siblings, I don't get that either. but, I don't get the whole gift bags to hand out at parties either. When did One childs birthday party become a gift giving event for everyone who attends?:confused: I have seen some parties where the "parting gift" is quite elaborate and expensive.

[Capt_redshirt]

I was in the same situation but the person in question is me. My birthday is Dec 24. and it can be hard on someone at any age cause you feel that you are lost to the holidays. at some point its stops being about the presents. The way my parents use to handle it was to explain to me that because i was born at a very special time (use to call me their christmas gift) I might get overlooked. They would tell me that its not my fault that it is because the holidays were always stressful. as a child it never made sense to me but over the years. i use to get joint gifts too and your right it hurts. it also hurts when you see your brother get things that you couldnt get for your birthday cause of the time of year you were born (waterguns are the best example). I wish there was a better answer but i dont know any.

[Cinderelley]

DS1's bday is Dec. 14. DS2's bday is Dec. 11. We never put up Christmas decorations until after their birthdays. Our family tradition is to have a birthday dinner for whomever is having the birthday no matter what time of year it is. Sometimes it gets shifted a day or two from the birthday to accommodate everyone's schedule, but we have been doing it so long now, everyone knows to plan for it. If you don't want to give up the gift exchange, make you could start a birthday tradition like ours which will eventually be remembered along with the Christmas traditions.

As far as bringing gifts for other siblings to birthday parties, I will do it when the birthday child's siblings are young. That way they don't feel slighted or cause a commotion because Johnny is getting everything, and they aren't getting anything. If the siblings are old enough to understand, I won't do it.