Don't Know What to Do! Irresponsible Child!

[DVC2004]

So frustrated! My ten year old is very, very forgetful. From losing articles like hats and jackets to forgetting schoolwork. He's gotten better in the schoolwork department, but in the last 2 weeks alone he lost his jacket and his glasses (he is supposed to wear them all the time). The jacket it turned out was left on the bus, and he did find it in the lost and found but only after I badgered him about what happened to it. I hadn't seen his glasses in a few weeks, and he told us he left them at school- but it has come to light that he actually has no idea where they are! He says he brought them home on Wed but he didn't- I was here when he got home and he was definitely not wearing them, and they weren't in his bookbag or pockets. We've turned to house over practically and I am pretty certain they are not here. He'll check tomorrow at the lost and found at school again, but I really don't think they are going to turn up.

How do I stop this? Has anyone dealt with this? He broke a pair of glasses in spring and they were replaced with the current lost ones. I can't buy a new pair every six months! Obviously he needs them to see. I am just so frustrated trying to teach him personal responsibility. He just doesn't seem to get it. Worse even, he'll lie to us when asked where this or that is because he doesn't want to get "in trouble", when we have explained over and over he will be in more trouble trying to hide it or tell lies. He's ten, going on eleven in a couple months so he's definitely old enough to understand and be aware. He doesn't lose his video games or toys so he is obviously capable.

[Ed]

The next time he loses something, why don't you "lose" something of his that he values - - a favorite video game perhaps?

"Oh, gee - - I was cleaning your room and I must have accidentally dropped it in the trash. So sorry."

Once he catches on, the chances are pretty good he'll see the light and take a bit better care of his belongings.

And then perhaps some of his stuff can magically reappear..... :pixie:

[VWL Mom]

Sounds like you could use this right about now. :wine:

Maybe it's the way it was written but it seems he is losing track of things while he is in school (jackets & glasses) but not when he is home (games). If he was just irresponsible he would be misplacing his items as well. Could something be bothering him at school that you are unaware? Could he be overwhelmed? Might be worth a phone call.

[crazypoohbear]

Is this something that is new this year?
has he changed schools?
You should talk with his teachers and find out if he is paying attention in class.
My oldest son has ADD (inactivity)
and I think sometimes that my youngest has it as well. It is difficult to diagnose if it is the inactivity kind instead of the hyperactive.
Have him use checklists in his homework planner to make sure he has everything he needs before he leaves the school building.
And use a check list to make sure he has everything he needs from home to bring to school
Use a reward system for not forgetting things
it's better to do positive reinforcements than negative punishments for forgetting.
Try doing this for about a month and see if things change with the list.
Make sure he writes down all homework assignments even if it's something simple he thinks he will remember.
good luck and don't give up and don't neccessarily think he is doing this on purpose.

[PirateLover]

I like the idea of a checklist. I misplace my keys all the time, and two methods that someone told me that definitely work are to either imagine and explosion around the area where you place the object you lose a lot, or to actually say to yourself "I am putting my keys in the basket."
Should he wear his glasses all day? Is he self conscious about his glasses at all? As a teacher, i definitely have children who claim to have lost their glasses when I ask them about it, because they hate wearing them

[SBETigg]

My son went through the same thing. It got more pronounced as he hit the middle school years and started affecting his grades (lost homework or homework just not turned it). We had him tested and it turned out to be a form of a learning disability. His IQ is off the charts, so it was the last thing we expected. To be brief, the counselors explained to us that there was so much going on in other parts of his brain that the area that handles organization was just falling behind comparatively. It's more involved than that, but think absent-minded professor and you get the idea. There's a real issue behind that, and it's not something they can control.

So labeling him irresponsible, if he has this going on, is really just building his worry and self-doubts. You can see your school counselors or a private counselor to have him tested and maybe see what is going on with him, and then they can help you work on strategies with him to help him without blaming him for something he has trouble controlling (not that you are, he could be just not be paying attention-- but just wanted you to know there could be more to it). Best wishes with it.

My son still has some issues, but he has learned coping strategies and is now in college doing well (though he could still use a personal assistant). There's hope.

[TheMartellFamily]

We will have to get together and we can deal with going on. My DS just turned 11 and we are trying to nip the same issues in the bud. What drives me the most crazy is the fact that something is lost or missed placed it is an Oh, I do not care response. I think The Vine is a great place don't you?

[Aurora]

My son is the same age and in 5th grade. Everything for him is ramped up this year -- schoolwork, sports, etc. He has so much to remember and think about that some things fall through the cracks. I've already gone through this with my older daughter, so both my son and I had some Idea of what was to come. I remind him what's expected of him but I also give him some slack for making mistakes.

I also think maybe you could do a little digging about anything adverse going on in school. My son doesn't tell me much, so if anything is bothering him he keeps it all in. It's not necessarily that he doesn't want to talk about it, but that he has a hard time expressing himself in specifics. It often comes out as worry about other things, which results in forgetfulness.

[stitchaholic]

my daughter is like this for schoolwork as well,her issue is that she gets chatting with her buddies ,ends up being rushed after and simply forgets. i got her an organizer to put all of her things into for her bookbag,and it really seems to be helping because she has to think about what she needs to put in there daily,and it keeps it neat and organized.
if she remembers everything daily,she gets a treat (3 snack size candy bars)at the end of the day.
she lost her retainer case recently,i told her that she will have to pay to get it replaced by doing chores,once they realize these things cost money,especially their money,they start to take care.

[DVC2004]

We will have to get together and we can deal with going on. My DS just turned 11 and we are trying to nip the same issues in the bud. What drives me the most crazy is the fact that something is lost or missed placed it is an Oh, I do not care response. I think The Vine is a great place don't you?

Yes, we should! The Vine is a great place!


Thanks to all who have responded. He did have some organizational issues last year, that's really when it seemed to start, and we worked closely with his teacher to try to come up with ideas. We did have a checklist in place for him that he kept at school. However, I don't think it had anything to do with personal items, just schoolwork. It did help, took a while for him remember to check it every day. Once he did things got a bit better. We also enrolled him in tutoring and we got nothing but grteat feedback- he worked hard,paid attention, gave lots of effort. ?

He is supposed to wear his glasses all the time. He doesn't. He says no one teases him and other kids have glasses too- I also thought maybe he was embarrassed but he says no. So not sure there. He has had glasses for a few years now although didn't need to wear them all the time. We had a reminder of "On your face or in the case" we'd always say- regarding where his glasses should be. It worked last year. He didn't lose them, but they were broken once and he never would tell us how- just kept saying he didn't know.

ADHD- we did ask the school to test last year and getting that district to do anything is like pulling teeth. They said he scored well on his tests so nothing additional would be done. Someone also said something about a 509 (?) plan for organization but that has to come from a doctor? But I was also told there needs to be some diagnosis for that? It can't hurt for testing but it seems no one thinks he needs it when we ask for it. Our oldest has special needs (although by contrast he is extremely organized) so we are no stranger to testing and asking school and doctors.

Well thanks for the advice. I agree, too, about making him pay towards lost items- though he could never pay for glasses because frames and lenses run over $100. He doesn't get that kind of money! Hats and coats, he just acts like Oh well I'll use another one in the closet. :(

[A Big Kid]

Try not to lose sight of the fact that forgetting/losing things can be a sympton of a larger problem not the problem itself.

[Lizzy]

My son is 10 and I am struggling with him as well.

He forgets to bring his homework home almost daily. He forgets to bring me things his teachers need me to sign. He lost his DS months ago and we still have yet to find it. I will tell him to put the dishes in ths dishwasher and the dish drain away, he will do one and comepletly forget the other.

He is always so sidetracked and unfocused. I took him to the Dr, and he was referred to a child psychiatrist or psychologist. Whichever one has the ability to diagnose and prescribe medicines for a problem. Well we got nowhere with the Dr and she wanted to continue to see him while referring him to yet anthor psychiatrist. I gave up and fired her. She had some other issues that I could not deal with and did not want my son to go to her any longer.

Checklists don't work with my son, he either will lose the check list, forget to look at it or just be too lazy to grab what the list tells him to.

I am at my wits end with this kids. He has had points where he lost everything in his room except his bed and clothes.

So I feel your pain, but I have no idea how to help. I need it too! :(

[Mickey'sGirl]

Our DS11 is not particularly organized ... and I think a lot of that comes at this age as they are transitioning from "child" to "young person". Parents tend to look after these things for "children", and now the "children" have to learn how to do it for themselves.

We use check-lists. They work, plain and simple.

We also use Zip Loc baggies. Everything for school goes into the baggie, and everything to come home goes into it at the end of the day. Sometimes he brings home MORE than he needs to, but he rarely forgets anymore!

We use privileges as payment in our house. If you bring home all your stuff, and get your homework done etc. , then you can play a game. If you forget your jacket or glasses, then you don't get to play that game tonight. Perhaps you can earn that privilege back tomorrow.

This works with both of our children (DS11 and DS5). DS11 had been slack about putting in an appliance related to his braces ... we told him that next time it is not in (other than for eating), he loses a day of privileges. There are no questions asked.... and it hasn't been a problem since.

Good luck! Try not to pull your hair out!

[pink]

We are going through the same thing at my house. My DB is turning 13 in a week and every couple of weeks it is the same thing, he keeps losing his house key but never loses that DS or video games.

We put the key on a lanyard so he wears it as a necklace at school and we have a hook to hang it up at home by the front door, that has helped a little.

Maybe you should take away things he enjoys when he misplaces big things like his glasses. At this age, he probably just doesn't realize the value or the overall importance of his glasses, but he understand the importance of his games because he likes them.

Hopefully things will get better for you soon. :mickey:

[brownie]

Hold him accountable for what he takes to school. I had to get in the habit of asking my sons about homework and jackets after school, jackets especially when it was cold in the morning but warm in the afternoon. It seems to be hard to remember jackets on days where it gets warmer as the day progresses.

[garymacd]

When you figure out how to handle the situation, let me know. I have two twenty-somethings that still need to be reminded daily of things and pick up after themselves.:blush:

[Joannelet]

In my experience of working with children of all ages for years I have had parents ask me for advice on this very same subject.
I would have them look at the overall picture. You had said that he did have this sort problem in school last year but it only resonated with his school work. Sometimes children (no matter what age) get it together at school because they realize they have to and become sort of lackadaisical when it comes to home.
So this could just be sign of concentrating too much on the school aspect of it since that is where the focus was on last year that had gotten everyone involved. (meaning teachers and parents)
Now its just an issue of reinforcing this at home as well. He obviously knows its a problem because he hides it from you. I would also look into a little more as to why he is lying. Let him know that you trust him and that he can tell you anything. Most kids at that age are sort of realizing that their parents will get angry more than actually trying to understand them.
Try different approaches to bringing up the subject as to what is going on.....
Lay the platform up for letting him tell you the truth without flying off the handle. Provide a no yelling policy when talking things like this over. No yelling from him (only the truth) and no yelling from parents.
If you feel the need after talking to your son that its something that is going on at school or where ever the issue lies you can handle it together.....
Sometimes if something is going on at school children don't want their parents involved because it makes it worst for them and turns them into a further target.
I hope you find what is going on with him.
I hope its nothing medical....
I honestly think most kids that age are just changing...and realizing different ways to deal with stress and things in their everyday lives.

[Little Round Bale]

:thumbsup: Sounds like you are getting some good advise. Good luck, that age is tough alot of changes.

All I can say is good luck and it will work out. :mickey:

[Giggy]

This sounds a lot like me when I was younger and to a lesser degree still, so I thought it may help to give my point of view. At the age of 7 I was found to have dyspraxia. If this is the case then the "lose something of his" stratergy is a bad idea.

Dyspraxia is most commonly associated with coordination difficulties, however another key aspect that can be affected is organisational skills. People with dyspraxia often lose things, forget to do something or arrive to places late. When undiagnosed a dyspraxic child is often written off as careless, lazy or even stupid. In reality they can't help it as these are things they will genuinely find difficult. Chances are they are fully aware that they struggle with certain things and even if they appear indifferent to it it's very much possible they are as frustrated about it as you are. If this is the case punishing them for it will just frustrate both of you more, make the child more nervous of making a mistake and ironically cause them to make even more mistakes.

Dyspraxia is a learning difficulty and is often found in otherwise intelligent, hard-working people. People with dyspraxia tend not to outgrow it completely but as they get older will develop techniques that help. It can be difficult to get help from schools, in school I had difficulty getting help with it because I was already performing well in all my classes. However, after starting college I was offered help in organising my work and my grades did improve a fair amount as a result. I am now 20 and in my second year of a Medical Biochemistry degree at university. I am hoping to go to Medical School after graduating. I still have some problems with my dyspraxia, my coordination isn't as good as some people's so I have to take time when doing things. I sometimes forget when I have to do something, struggle following a list of instructions and do lose things. I was also diagnosed with dyslexia last year, it simply went under the radar all this time. However I have, over time developed stratergies to work around it.

Hope some of this helps, it may not be his fault.

[DisneyFanaticDargon]

Someone also said something about a 509 (?) plan for organization but that has to come from a doctor? But I was also told there needs to be some diagnosis for that?

It's a 504 plan. They tried to put me on one when I was in middle school. If the district is as "helpful" as you make it sound, don't do it. They'll just end up putting him in a class with the "problem" children like they did with me, despite the fact that I was more intelligent than most of the people in my year.

[Lakin]

Ugh, I know what you mean. I go over to my friend's house, and her mom is badgering her little sister (5-6 at the time?) on where her glasses are (That she should be wearing all the time), and she keeps going over here, uhm, over here, uhm over here.

Then they ask me to come over and help her? Like that's going to help? She just going to keep pointing to places and going to her room.

I agree with the first poster - Magically Reappearing Items.

[DVC2004]

This sounds a lot like me when I was younger and to a lesser degree still, so I thought it may help to give my point of view. At the age of 7 I was found to have dyspraxia. If this is the case then the "lose something of his" stratergy is a bad idea.

Dyspraxia is most commonly associated with coordination difficulties, however another key aspect that can be affected is organisational skills. People with dyspraxia often lose things, forget to do something or arrive to places late. When undiagnosed a dyspraxic child is often written off as careless, lazy or even stupid. In reality they can't help it as these are things they will genuinely find difficult. Chances are they are fully aware that they struggle with certain things and even if they appear indifferent to it it's very much possible they are as frustrated about it as you are. If this is the case punishing them for it will just frustrate both of you more, make the child more nervous of making a mistake and ironically cause them to make even more mistakes.

Dyspraxia is a learning difficulty and is often found in otherwise intelligent, hard-working people. People with dyspraxia tend not to outgrow it completely but as they get older will develop techniques that help. It can be difficult to get help from schools, in school I had difficulty getting help with it because I was already performing well in all my classes. However, after starting college I was offered help in organising my work and my grades did improve a fair amount as a result. I am now 20 and in my second year of a Medical Biochemistry degree at university. I am hoping to go to Medical School after graduating. I still have some problems with my dyspraxia, my coordination isn't as good as some people's so I have to take time when doing things. I sometimes forget when I have to do something, struggle following a list of instructions and do lose things. I was also diagnosed with dyslexia last year, it simply went under the radar all this time. However I have, over time developed stratergies to work around it.

Hope some of this helps, it may not be his fault.

Congrats to you- it sounds like you have worked very hard. Thank you for sharing your story. This is something I hadn't heard of, but I will definitely talk to both the school and his doctor about this. I know he doesn't "want" to be like this and he does feel bad when something happens. We also have a parent/teach conference tonight so I will also be able to get some info from his teacher on how things have been going in class.

Thank you again- and best of luck to you. It sounds like you are on the right track. :thumbsup:

[crazypoohbear]

My oldest son was on a 504 plan in high school and has one in college as well. I can say he was never put in a special ed class and he was never made to feel any different. In fact most of the students knew nothing about it.
His 504 plan gave him extra time for test taking, the ability to use hand written notes on tests. If he did not do well on a test he had the option of staying after school and having the test administered verbally to him and he could give his answers verbally.
He was also not penialized for handing in work late (he still had points taken off but about half of what the other students would lose)
I dont' know if each state or district has differing opinions of a 504 but you can insist that he not be pulled out of regular ed classes.
My son has ADD (inactivity) and these accomodations were a life saver for him.
Also, most kids with ADD are extremely bright and that is part of the reason it is hard to diagnose, becuase they are so bright they can slide by for years.
good luck at the Parent teacher conference. I hope things work out for you and your child.

[DisneyFanaticDargon]

My oldest son was on a 504 plan in high school and has one in college as well. I can say he was never put in a special ed class and he was never made to feel any different. In fact most of the students knew nothing about it.


The difference between myself and your son is clearly that he went to a good district/college that knows how to handle that sort of thing properly.

Unfortunately I went to elementary/middle school in a little podunk town in the middle of nowhere. To give you an idea of how small it was, if I had stayed in that district until graduation, I would have had a graduating class of about 70.

The reason I made my previous comments was because it sounds like the district where the OP's son is attending is about as helpful as the one I went to school in.

You're one of the lucky ones that had a good experience with it. But it really all depends on how up to date with the times/how willing to make special accomodations the district itself is.

[crazypoohbear]

Actually my son went to a very small catholic high school that has since closed (thank GOD). His graduating class was 32.
He is attending a huge college in a large city.
but you are right that he was lucky.
I was a huge advocate for him and made sure I was in the school at the beginning of every school year to make sure that everything was in order and then I emailed the teachers and the SPED teacher weekly.
When he was accepted at the college he attends, i immediately called the student advisor assigned to him and made sure that everything was in order.
I knew what the laws where and made sure that both schools were aware that I was aware of what the laws were. (I managed to do so by making innocent comments like "I read recently that blah blah blah" is available to him, can I expect this here and how will you help make sure that he gets everything he needs??")
THE hardest part is making the time as a parent and student to keep the communication going and making sure that you keep up on your rights.
It's a pain because you would expect the schools to do their jobs but we all know that doesn't always happen
I hope the OP is able to keep the school on its toes and really advocates for the child so he is not lost in the shuffle.
It is amazing what a little help can do for a childs self esteem.

[DVC2004]

Well, we went to the parent teacher conference. His grades were mostly Cs, 1 B, not bad but not great. We also found out there he lost 2 books he borrowed from the school library last April and we owe them $30, and they never got $5 for a field trip I know I gave him when school started. :( The books are not here nor in his desk.

The good news is that there is a new program they are going to start at his school this year. It is for kids who may need extra help. They were awarded a grant and it made this possible. It is once a week and he will get picked up very early- 6 am- and work with teachers before class, then goes to class, then more after class and will come home at 6. The teacher recommended it and we agreed it would be good for him. It's only 1 day each week. So we will see. Maybe they will also be able to advise us if it does not help.