Help! MIL horning in on our vacations.

[Marceline]

Ok, I don't know if this makes me a terrible person or what but I am consistently having to find creative ways to say no to my MIL who is always trying to come along on our family vacations.

I know a lot of folks travel with their parents, but my husband prefers not to. I guess you'd have to understand his relationship with his mother to see why. Basically she is the type most would call a Mother Hen. Always offering advice, very critical, knows the "best" way to do everything. She'll often step on my toes when it comes to parenting our DD7. She will answer "yes" when my daughter says "mommy". :nono: She will echo me when I admonish my daughter, usually more forcefully.:mad: It's very aggravating. When she is around my husband he shrinks back into a boy, a very quiet pensive boy. I don't think she even knows his relaxed, funny, talkative, goofy side at all...it's sad really. Their interactions are always fraught with a not-so-subtle tension. I am often the literal go-between for them, as he just can't stand up to her and speak his mind and she can't stop trying to control everything.

Every time we mention that we are booked at WDW she attempts to tag along....even offering to stay at a different resort. I hate having to tell her no, but I don't want the stress and neither does my husband. :shake: He works hard all year long and this is his 2 weeks to unplug and unwind and really just BE with me and our DD. That's how I break it to her...."we just want it to be the 3 of us."

It's gotten to the point where we just sort of keep the fact that we are going to WDW from her until a few weeks away. I feel awful, mostly because I hate having to hurt her feelings....yet I don't want to try to use my husbands vacation time as therapy either.:confused:

This causes me some anxiety...I am just wondering, are we being mean? Is there a nicer way to say No? Are we being big wet noodles? Why doesn't she see that it would be uncomfortable??? Basically how do you deal with an overbearing MIL??? :paranoid:

Any opinions or advice would be appreciated. Oh, and if this would be better in the Water Cooler feel free to move, mighty moderators. :blush:

:mickey:

[DisneyPrincess21]

Ok, I don't know if this makes me a terrible person or what but I am consistently having to find creative ways to say no to my MIL who is always trying to come along on our family vacations.

I know a lot of folks travel with their parents, but my husband prefers not to. I guess you'd have to understand his relationship with his mother to see why. Basically she is the type most would call a Mother Hen. Always offering advice, very critical, knows the "best" way to do everything. She'll often step on my toes when it comes to parenting our DD7. She will answer "yes" when my daughter says "mommy". :nono: She will echo me when I admonish my daughter, usually more forcefully.:mad: It's very aggravating. When she is around my husband he shrinks back into a boy, a very quiet pensive boy. I don't think she even knows his relaxed, funny, talkative, goofy side at all...it's sad really. Their interactions are always fraught with a not-so-subtle tension. I am often the literal go-between for them, as he just can't stand up to her and speak his mind and she can't stop trying to control everything.

Every time we mention that we are booked at WDW she attempts to tag along....even offering to stay at a different resort. I hate having to tell her no, but I don't want the stress and neither does my husband. :shake: He works hard all year long and this is his 2 weeks to unplug and unwind and really just BE with me and our DD. That's how I break it to her...."we just want it to be the 3 of us."

It's gotten to the point where we just sort of keep the fact that we are going to WDW from her until a few weeks away. I feel awful, mostly because I hate having to hurt her feelings....yet I don't want to try to use my husbands vacation time as therapy either.:confused:

This causes me some anxiety...I am just wondering, are we being mean? Is there a nicer way to say No? Are we being big wet noodles? Why doesn't she see that it would be uncomfortable??? Basically how do you deal with an overbearing MIL??? :paranoid:

Any opinions or advice would be appreciated. Oh, and if this would be better in the Water Cooler feel free to move, mighty moderators. :blush:

:mickey:

I'm so sorry you are having trouble planning your trip. IMO if she is causing this much stress on you and your husband and she's not even at WDW with you yet, I don't even want to think what stress you will have if she goes with you. I understand your feelings of not wanting to hurt her, but she needs to understand that you and your family don't get much quality time together and you really want to have time just the three of you.

I think the best way to handle the situation if she keeps bothering you would be for you and your husband to both be together and tell her firmly but loving that you really need this time alone this trip and that you love her but really would appreciate if she allowed you guys to have some time with just the three of you.
If she still doesn't get the message then I would say you might unfortunately have to keep most of your Disney planning to yourselves as to not provoke the situation or upset her.

Me and my parents understand the "3 of us time" because it has been Just me and my parents all my life and although we love our extended family and enjoying having them visit or go on vacation with us sometimes, and even now that I am an adult we are still always happy to get back to our "3 of us time" and often choose that over extended family time.


I hope it all works out for you.



:tink:
*Hope you have a magical & MIL free vacation*

[Seasonscraps]

I don't think it's mean that you don't want to vacation with your MIL but instead of lying about vacation plans, your DH (since it's his mother) should have a talk with her about your family vacation plans in general. He can explain what you said here - that the three of you want to unplug from everyone and everything and spend this time together also tell her that it isn't about her or not wanting to be with her but about the three of you just being together.

Maybe plan a weekend get away some place more local with her some place else and save big trips for just the three of you.

[gueli]

to put it the way one of those judge shows would say it-
You are not being mean by having a backbone !

You should not hide things from her, and I understand how your husband reacts when she is around/has him alone.

You should not need to explain over and over again to MIL. You are 2 adults with a child. Your DH only gets 2 weeks and darn it, it should be spent relaxing & reconnecting with you and your child.
If your MIL cannot understand this, then perhaps she needs some type of counseling.

You are not being mean. Don't back down- it could be the ruin of your relationship- um with DH. You and DH have your own lives to lead, and Dear mil needs to let go.

Stay strong.
:mickey:

[dumbo_buddy]

to put it the way one of those judge shows would say it-
You are not being mean by having a backbone !

You should not hide things from her, and I understand how your husband reacts when she is around/has him alone.

You should not need to explain over and over again to MIL. You are 2 adults with a child. Your DH only gets 2 weeks and darn it, it should be spent relaxing & reconnecting with you and your child.
If your MIL cannot understand this, then perhaps she needs some type of counseling.

You are not being mean. Don't back down- it could be the ruin of your relationship- um with DH. You and DH have your own lives to lead, and Dear mil needs to let go.

Stay strong.
:mickey:

what she said:thumbsup:

my mil is horrible to me and my dh never stands up to her. it really is hard on our relationship. so i made the decision to stand up for myself and not rely on dh to do it.

as PP said, stay strong!!

[tink2006]

I also have one of those MIL :thedolls:
I feel your pain :mad:

Try not to back down. If you do there might not be any turning back......

[BelleKP]

Ok, I don't know if this makes me a terrible person or what but I am consistently having to find creative ways to say no to my MIL who is always trying to come along on our family vacations.
This absolutely does NOT make you a terrible person . . . it makes you a nice person. The fact that you are even concerned about hurting her feelings shows good character on your part! I can somewhat relate, although I do get a long very well with my mother in law, she is a firm believer that the 'village' should raise the child (cultural thing), to the point she was offended that we put our daughter in preschool, as opposed to having her be the primary caregiver when I went back to work. She does voice her opinion from time to time, we just try to remember it's coming from a loving place . . . even if it can get on my nerves! ;)
Like others have said, stick your ground be firm but kind. Perhaps plan a special dinner upon your return to share your trip memories with her . . . have your DD get her a special gift to give her at that dinner.

Every time we mention that we are booked at WDW she attempts to tag along....
Not to piggyback your post, but thought I would share a funny antidote about my MIL. When we told her about our trip to WDW this year her response was 'oh, that means I get to have [granddaughter 9 months] to myself for a week!!' . . . . HUH?? :confused: She was under the impression that there was NO way we would be taking our 9 month old daughter on the trip and we would leave her behind with them!!
Talk about crazy lady :crazy:

[Ms. Mode]

I too feel your pain.

My sister is the one who wants in on 'family" time. It would be ok with me for one trip, maybe, but my DH would have a fit! DWD is no cheap vacation spot, I want everyone relaxed and having fun....can't do that with an in-law tagging along.:blush:

[BIGDOG]

All what I can say is Disney changes every one, she might be a blessing if you want to go out late and need a sitter. I also wish I had taken my over bearing, nagging mom on a Disey trip with us but now it is to late she is gone.. No one lives fore ever, it might be somthing your child would enjoy and remember...If it did not work out then your next Disney trip keep it quiet and go with out her...

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

I have a "strong" MIL too, and she manages to turn everything upside down. No way would I go on a vacation with her.

The next time you're talking with her, and the topic of Disney comes up, your DH, since it is his mother needs to firmly say "we love spending time with you, but we're really looking forward to this special time, just the 3 of us". No discussion, no further comments, this isn't up for debate.

Everytime she tries to mention coming or budding in on the trip, a simple "this is a trip for the 3 of us" and a change of topic is all that needs to be said, but it really does need to come from DH, otherwise you're just seen as the problem.

Please don't feel bad or guilty at all, family time is precious, and your family is now you, DH and DD. See her, enjoy time with her, but you have no responsibility to bring her to Disney.

[LauraByTheSea]

Not to make light of the situation, but it sounds very much like an episode of "Everybody Love Raymond"! ;)

You're definately not being mean... It's YOUR trip. As others have said, plan something with her like a dinner or a weekend trip. That might be enough to "tide her over" while you go on your big trip...

[LauraF]

I have a mother like that, so think of this way:

You're being loving to your family by making sure their needs are met first. Don't focus on what you *don't* do for your MIL, focus on what you *do* for your DH and DD, and trust me, it will make you feel better.

[mshomeschoolmom]

Do we have the same MIL and just don't know it? hehe...I definetly know how you feel. Last year was our 1st trip to WDW and we were not going to tell the MIL about it until closer to time because of how critical she is and also did not want other inlaw members to find out. My husband sounds just like your husband and when he does mess up and acts a little crazy around his mother she just says to him I can't believe you did that you used to not act that way and I just don't know what has gotten into you all while I am right there in front of her and I feel that she is putting all the blame on me. She has also been very critical of me on how I raise my children. And she is critical of everything; food, prices and just people in general. She does not ever have anything nice to say about anything.But back to last year my husband told his dad about us going to Disney and to not say anything to his mom about it because he didn't want her saying something to another inlaw (this other inlaw has family members that lives in Orlando) and we felt that if the other inlaw found out she would be right there behind us every step we made. But is wasn't no time FIL told MIL and then the FIL told my husband that he wanted to borrow a camper from his boss and all of us go together. Now we had already at this point made reservations with our TA and gotten all of our ADR"S. I told my husband if that happened I would not go and our kids would not either and if he did he could take off and go with them. It would have been the most miserable vacation and 40 bday I would have ever taken.Yes I celebrated my 40th bday at disney. With it being our 1st trip I especially wasn't going to have it ruined by inlaws. So this year when we decided to go back to Disney for our trip in Oct. we decided we would not say anything until the week we leave.

[MNNHFLTX]

No, I don't think you're being mean at all. And I think you are basically handling the best way you can. If she keeps bringing the subject up you just have to keep repeating (gently but firmly) the same message--that is family time for the 3 of you. I like the idea, too, of planning a weekend trip somewhere with her so that she occasionally feels like she's a part of things.

Personally I wouldn't try to hide your trip as that could backfire into more hurt feelings. Just stand strong with your current explanation.

[SBETigg]

There's nothing wrong with wanting vacations to yourselves, and your MIL should understand this. But some people don't, and that's a shame. All I can say is remove the guilt. You shouldn't have to sneak around and feel guilty. Try to train yourself to let it go. You're probably a naturally empathetic person, lots of compassion, and this makes it hard for you to say no and ignore her feelings. But you're not doing anything wrong. Stay strong. I'm sorry and I hope it gets easier.

[Disney Doll]

Not to make light of the situation, but it sounds very much like an episode of "Everybody Love Raymond"! ;)


To funny! I always tell people the reason I enjoy that show is because it reminds me so much of my real life. At least it's funny on TV. I too have "one of those" MILs. She has vacationed with us twice. That was early on before I knew better. A vacation with her just isn't a vacation. Not only does she not offer to stay at another hotel, she wants connecting rooms and 24/7 togetherness. I can only take her in small doses and after a week I'm ready to pull out my hair.

We actually avoided the "talk" when her health took a turn for the worse and she had to go on disability. Now she can't really afford to vacation so it doesn't come up as often, but she still makes us feel plenty guilty every time we go without her. We promised to take her with us one more time once the kids get older so she can experience WDW with her grandchildren. That's going to be a huge sacrifice on my part, but I think the kids would enjoy it and it's the only way we're holding her off at the moment.

Good luck! I know it's a hard situation. I think the family time angle is a very good one. Most importantly, don't feel bad! It's not selfish to make your marriage and your family a priority.

[Marceline]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I feel tons better! I knew deep down it was just about maintaining backbone in the face of passive/aggressiveness. I think the pushy/sensitive types are the hardest to deal with, but dear lord, why do they always come in the form of a MIL!?!?!:drama:

I actually did a "mercy" trip, so to speak, this past May. There are relatives in Orange County,CA and MIL has always been pushing for a trip out there. My DH has always adamantly said NO to a trip with them. (Their roles and attitudes toward one another are deeply ingrained...it's hard enough to get him to enjoy lunch with her after church every Sunday, let alone the idea of a vacation.:noway:)

SO, last year when she attempted the "horn-in" on our Dec. WDW trip I came up with flash of brilliance and offered to do a "girls" trip with just me, her and my DD. My FIL refuses to travel at all.....root of her desire to tag-along so desperately I am sure. My DH and sisters said I was crazy to vacation with the MIL, as they know her...ways. But I was willing to do anything to get a chance to visit DL:mickey: for the first time. It actually worked out pretty well....I was able to deal with her much better than usual as I was the one with a sense of direction:thumbsup: and the strength to lift bags ect....so I was useful to her. :D

I loved DL/DCA so much I want to go back next year with my DH....*gulp* and MIL has already stated her intention to come-along. Uuuugh! So that one will be the true test of my resolve. Wish me luck! ;)

[wdwfansince75]

From the other side of the picture.....DW is the loving (and IMHO, understanding) DMiL of the two wonderful and loving mothers of four of our Dear Grandkids.....We have done WDW with DDiL#1 seven times, and with DDiL#2 twice....Sharing WDW with our kids, Kids-in-law, and grandkids has been so special to us.....

We believe that we have never been domineering....I make the plans, but with lots of discussion, and interaction....And we do so much spontaneously....trying to consider each and every one of our group....but you, and the responses you generated, have made me reflect....Perhaps we do "interfere" rather than "share".....I hope not, but I will definitely keep this thread in mind as we plan our 2010 trip.....

[Marceline]

From the other side of the picture.....DW is the loving (and IMHO, understanding) DMiL of the two wonderful and loving mothers of four of our Dear Grandkids.....We have done WDW with DDiL#1 seven times, and with DDiL#2 twice....Sharing WDW with our kids, Kids-in-law, and grandkids has been so special to us.....

We believe that we have never been domineering....I make the plans, but with lots of discussion, and interaction....And we do so much spontaneously....trying to consider each and every one of our group....but you, and the responses you generated, have made me reflect....Perhaps we do "interfere" rather than "share".....I hope not, but I will definitely keep this thread in mind as we plan our 2010 trip.....

:mickey: I am sure your DIL's love going to WDW with you.....SEVEN+ times!!! How could they not?

I think that every family dynamic is different and the heart of this one is a very tense mother/son relationship that has been that way from the beginning.

I think it's awesome that you plan trips to the world that include your extended family! You obviously love to share your love for WDW with others. I am that way too......I am the planner and the total Disneyphile in the family. I am just blessed that my DH has found a longing for "the happiest place on earth" too. And I don't want to compromise that joy with the stress of an already strained relationship in the mix.

heh, Disney makes us feel like kids again in a good way..hehe my MIL makes us feel like kids again in a not-so-good way. :blush:

In all honesty my DH has no desire to travel with anyone else, not his extended family, not mine, and not friends either. He is a bit of curmudgeon, and holds family vacation time to be precious and well...private. But I understand. Things just go smoother when we are the sole decision makers. No arguments over where to eat, or who will pick up the tab, where to go next, when to get up and get going ect.

It's just much easier to relax and go with the flow when it's just the 3 of us.:mickey::thumbsup:

[Disney Doll]

From the other side of the picture.....DW is the loving (and IMHO, understanding) DMiL of the two wonderful and loving mothers of four of our Dear Grandkids.....We have done WDW with DDiL#1 seven times, and with DDiL#2 twice....Sharing WDW with our kids, Kids-in-law, and grandkids has been so special to us.....

We believe that we have never been domineering....I make the plans, but with lots of discussion, and interaction....And we do so much spontaneously....trying to consider each and every one of our group....but you, and the responses you generated, have made me reflect....Perhaps we do "interfere" rather than "share".....I hope not, but I will definitely keep this thread in mind as we plan our 2010 trip.....

I think it just depends on the family. In our case we don't travel well with MIL, but have no problems vacationing with my parents. They are just such different people. We actually live next door to my parents, but because they are so unobtrusive it has worked great. DH always jokes that we could never ever live next door to his mom and I agree. Some members of the family just gel better than others. I'm sure if your DIL was not enjoying the trips it would have come up by now.

[DVC2004]

You got a lot of good advice already and I have to agree- don't hide the trips from her but just let her know that is your family time (by family the 3 of you). Maybe there is an alternate, close to home place to go with her one weekend to have her feel included and you won't feel so bad. You're not wrong. Your DH sounds like he needs to step in and say something to her regarding thier relationship- you shouldn't be in the middle.

My inlaws are strange, it's almost the opposite. They have barely any involvement in our lives. Several years ago we invited them with us on a WDW trip, mostly so our kids would have a nice memory with them. They never call the kids and rarely see, them. Send cards on birthdays and that's it- it's sad really. They would stay on our points and we were going to get a 2 BR, but they would pay for their own tickets and airfare. Anyway all was going fine until it came time to finalize things and suddenly MIL wouldn't return any calls or emails. An entire MONTH went by before we finally got her on the phone and she said not hanks but Disney's not our thing! I was so mad.:mad: Mostly because my kids were looking forward to showing thier grandparents the World and they were so disappointed. So see there's problems with that, too. :(

[gueli]

what she said:thumbsup:

my mil is horrible to me and my dh never stands up to her. it really is hard on our relationship. so i made the decision to stand up for myself and not rely on dh to do it.

as PP said, stay strong!!

er, um...
perhaps its more of what HE said...:D

I have empathy for the poster as my Dearest Wife doesn't get along well with my mother. But when we entered into our commited realtionship I promised DW that she would allways come first, and we agreed that my mom would be loved and respected by our family...

Anyway... :D

[kemps@wdw]

I have to say that I have the GREATEST momma-in-law on the planet! Truly...I really lucked out in the MIL dept. So, I cannot relate to your obviously painful in-law issue. But I have to agree w/previous posters. It's obvious that DH can't/won't put her in her place, and she's obviously not gonna back down w/the "subtle" hints you've been giving her. So, as much as you may hate it, this situation may take a very blunt, outright " (but respectful) rejection" of your MIL's interference into your vaca plans. (Sorry mom...IMHO you should back off ) :shrug:

[diz_girl]

Definitely don't let her go. Everyone will be miserable, except her.

But in DH's defense, when you have a controlling and pushy mother who doesn't take no for an answer, it's very hard to get out from under that. For example, my mother basically raised me to feel that I couldn't do anything right, watched over my shoulder when I did anything (like pouring a glass of milk) and freaked out when I made the slightest mistake (like spilling even one drop of milk). That affects you big time and can take years or even decades to overcome those feelings and get a spine.

Slowly, I'd started to say no and assert my own will. She was still pushy, but I started to give her three chances to accept my wishes, decision, whatever. The first time I answered nicely, the second time I answered firmly, and the third time I got rude/nasty. Of course, after the third time she said, "you don't have to get rude about it." And I said, "Yes, I do because that's the only way that you get the message." It took her a while, but she got the message that she can't push me around anymore.

So until he is able to stand up for himself with her, you will have to be the bad guy. And don't be afraid to be rude, since she's obviously not afraid of being rude to you. What you think is rude and nasty is probably her 'normal'.

Good luck!

[HollyB]

I can see both sides of this. OTOH, my MIL can be controlling and is not my favorite person to spend time with. OTOH, you're lucky she wants to spend time with your kids. Not every grandma does.

Could you compromise? Invite her for the first few days and then spend the rest of your two weeks on your own. She gets some grandma time and you and DH can do some things on your own. Then you still have a good portion of your vacation to spend just the 3 of you and relax when she goes home.

Last year we spent half our spring break at the beach relaxing, just our family, and the other half with my in-laws. Family is important and it met everyone's needs.

Just my two cents. . .

[diz_girl]

Could you compromise? Invite her for the first few days and then spend the rest of your two weeks on your own. She gets some grandma time and you and DH can do some things on your own. Then you still have a good portion of your vacation to spend just the 3 of you and relax when she goes home.

Although this sounds like a good idea, the pushy and controlling MILs won't leave after X days. They'll just say, "Surprise! I decided to stay" and you're stuck with her for your entire vacation. If you give an inch, she'll take a mile.

[Marceline]

I can see both sides of this. OTOH, my MIL can be controlling and is not my favorite person to spend time with. OTOH, you're lucky she wants to spend time with your kids. Not every grandma does.

Could you compromise? Invite her for the first few days and then spend the rest of your two weeks on your own. She gets some grandma time and you and DH can do some things on your own. Then you still have a good portion of your vacation to spend just the 3 of you and relax when she goes home.

Last year we spent half our spring break at the beach relaxing, just our family, and the other half with my in-laws. Family is important and it met everyone's needs.

Just my two cents. . .


I agree with Diz Girl...an inch can turn into a mile. ;)

We have compromised in that I am willing to travel with her and my DD, it's just that my DH under no circumstances wants to travel with her. It's his dime, his vacation time, he wants to spend it the way he wants to spend it. It just makes me cringe that I basically have to say to her...."Your son doesn't want to travel with you, sorry." I wish she could hear this without me having to explicitly express it. The interesting thing is at no point in time in my DH's childhood did his grandparents come along.....vacations were always for just the nuclear family. My MIL can get a bit covetous of our DD and her time with her.

In actuality, DD gets LOTS of Grandma time. She spends every single Saturday, noon to 6ish with my in-laws. And then we all go to church and lunch with my MIL on Sunday. If anything our vacations to WDW really are a way to get some off time to ourselves with the kiddo.:mickey::thumbsup:

The funny part is, even though she enjoys spending time with her and loves her dearly, not even my DD7 wants grandma to come along to WDW....LOL....she says that Grandma will just be bossy about stuff! :laughing: