Need advice, pixie dust, something!!!

[poohbearfan]

I am not one to air my private feelings on a public board, but I need help!!

My husband of nearly 14 years has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore. I have been completely blindsided by this. My heart is broken so badly and I just really don't know what to do.

He has confused me because in one breath he says I don't want to hurt you, I love you and care about you and will take care of you. Then, in another breath he says he wants a divorce.

Any words of advice or anything would help right now.

[SBETigg]

:hug: I'm so sorry. Of course you are hurt and confused! I have no advice but to try not to keep your feelings to yourself. You need a support network. I hope you have good friends and family to help you emotionally, but also maybe look for a support group. It really helps to talk to people who know what you're going through firsthand.

:pixie: for you to get through this tough time.

[Jenemmy]

I am so horribly sorry! Can't he give you a reason? Is he willing to give whatever is bothering him another shot....get counseling or anything? What a shock you must be feeling! You are now on my prayer list! Keep us posted.

[Marilyn Michetti]

No advice except to take care of yourself. My heart has been where yours is now, and it's a bone numbing fog that makes you wonder if anything good will ever happen again. Whatever the outcome, (DH came back), YOU need to be O.K. Talk to someone like a minister or phychologist, get involved in a group charity or hobby that meets regularly. Don't spill it all to friends because sometimes it's too "juicy" for them to hold in confidence. Make sure your finances are secure, and make sure they STAY secure. Don't beg or compromise yourself. If a split is inevitable, shut the door quietly, and leave it shut - don't be a "fix" for whatever, or whomever he's leaving you for. Talk to him when you can do it rationally, and without the usual destructive forces. Choose your words carefully, and mean them when you say them.

YOU will need some intensive care emotionally, but it WILL get better. I remember that pain like it happened this morning, and my heart is hurting for you. You can negotiate the road, but not during the crisis. PLEASE, PLEASE get someone that can cry with you, hold your hand, and give you sound advice.

I hope he steps back and looks at you with a whole new set of eyes when he finds out he doesn't have the power to destroy you.

I don't know if any of this will help, but take care of yourself NOW. Pixie dust won't do but maybe a group hug.:hug:

[crazypoohbear]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Do you have someone close that you can talk with?
Will you DH consider counseling?
Even if he won't please go yourself.
Make sure that the money is safe, if you have a joint account he can remove every penny and there is nothing you can do about it.
I know it sounds harsh but make sure you are covered financially.
I don't mean to scare you but sometimes what you think they are not capable of... they are.
I have seen things my friends have gone through that just leaves you speechless.
I remember sitting outside a court room with one of my friends while she battled her ex husband (Who befriended her 1st ex husband just for giggles and to make her crazy)
While we were sitting there I walked up to ex hubby #2 and said "congratulations John, you won the limbo contest, you managed to go the lowest" Until I saw and heard what he did with my own ears I had tried to remain neutral, after all people break up for all kinds of reasons but he just went so low it was painful to watch.
So please make sure you protect yourself and any kids if you have them.
Please feel free to post here. IT is sort of anonymous so you can speak fairly freely.

[offwego]

I'm sorry to hear this. Have you contacted a lawyer? Your bank? It's awful to think of such practical things but they really are the first steps you need to take.

[pianobabe]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Like others have said make sure your finances are stable. Also check on insurance, housing, etc. Make sure all of your "ducks are in a row". If he won't go to counseling, go alone. Whether this is something that can be worked out or not, you need a professional counselor you can talk too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[merlinmagic4]

:pixie: :pixie: :pixie: Hang in there.

[brownie]

So sorry to hear this. I hope your husband is willing to take some time and explore this with you through a third party like a counselor or pastor. My wife and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary next month, and I couldn't imagine breaking up after all this time. You'll be in our prayers.

[WDWFanatic]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and sending you TRUCK loads of pixie dust.

Ditto to what everyone else said. Please make sure you are taken care of, and please try to get someone you can talk to.

Best wishes.

[murphy1]

Oh, I'm so sorry about all of this! Like others said, get an attorney and take care of yourself right now. I hate to add this in, but you need to make sure there isn't someone else involved (this has happened to a couple of my friends and it stinks, but you really have to think of yourself) .

[Kairi_7378]

I can't really offer any advice (other than what you've gotten here) but I wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Please take care of yourself.

[faline]

I'm sorry. Please be sure to take care of yourself and know that many folks will keep you in their thoughts!

[iheartmickey]

I don't have any advise but wanted to offer support and friendship. And lots of :grouphug:

[Jen C.]

I, too, am so sorry to har your news. I wish you all of the luck in the world going forward. It seems such a shame to walk away with no counseling, or guidance from a 3rd party. It's definitely worth considering.

This might be hard to hear, but when your husband says he loves you, he probably does. Very much. Too often, people believe you have to hate, or dislike the person you're married to, to rationalize a divorce. I don't believe that's true. Hard to put your arms around a thought like that now, I'm sure, but just try to remember it going forward.

CrazyPoohBear is absolutely right though. You MUST proceed in a purely selfish way. Make sure the monies are protected. Also, make sure you have solid credit in YOUR NAME only. If you are only part of joint accounts with your husband, get credit cards in your name RIGHT AWAY. That is my only advice.

My prayers and best wishes.:)

[Mousemates]

I genuinely hate the fact that you are having to go through this. To be caught on your blindside can only make it all the more difficult to bear. From what you say, i would imagine that your not the only one who is confused by the whole thing....i.e. your hsuband sounds rather confused himself.

To tell someone you love them(that you are sacrficially committed to them and they're well being), care about them and don't want to hurt them...and then to turn around and leave and hurt them does not sound like someone who is thinking clearly. I ,of course, don't know any of the particulars of the situation...so what is going on with or within him is an unknown (i.e. is this a classic mid-life crisis, or a home-wrecker at the jobsite,or some other unknown issue)...and thus with just a very general knowledge (which is ALL that is needed on a community internet board like this one) its hard to be specific in terms of ideas.

However a couple of words...tell him you want to work on your marriage to try to save it and encourage him to try some counseling sessions with you to work things out (and if he is unwilling, go solo). Your marriage may not be a lost cause, things can still work out IF BOTH parties are willing to give it a try.

Pray for wisdom from God to know what you can do to be the person God wants you to be in life. (You can't change your husbands heart and make him do the right thing in this, but you can do the right thing, even in this difficult , time by the grace of God).

Don't blindly trust your husband to do what's right and take care of you. Remember he has already indicated his unilateral intention to leave you...which in this situaiton sounds like a very ego-centric choice. When its crunch time and hard financials decisions must be made, he will likely be prone to look out for number #1 (and if there is someone lurking in the background she will likely pull him in that same direction.) This might mean its time to discreetly seek legal counsel.

Take care of yourself in this time...your stress load must be tremendous...do what you need to do to keep your wits about you...i.e. get some exercise, try to eat right, talk with someone who can be trusted not to do a lot of talking (which could make things worse) etc.

Know that while you might feel alone, you are not alone...lots of folks are behind you and hoping and praying for things to work out and your life to move forward in a positive way.

[thrillme]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please seek legal counsel. I would advise finding a good counselor for both of you to go to and if he won't go...go alone.

I don't know how old you are but I do know men go through "mid-life" crises just like women do. Especially as they get closer to 40. Quite often that's when I've seen friends of mine be most tempted to "stray" or buy a mustang or a harley.

Once again. Do get legal counsel. Prepare yourself to be on your own.

My prayers are with you.

[Disney Doll]

So sorry to hear about your situation! Lots of :grouphug: for you! Others have already given you some pretty good advice- get counseling and legal advice. I don't have much to add except to say that you may be tempted to save the marriage at any cost. Sometimes what is familiar is comforting just because it's familiar. First, take some time to yourself (at least a week) to calm down. Once you can think rationally about it be sure you don't do anything to compromise yourself. It'll all come out eventually and when it does you'll have to decide if it's a situation that is fixable. In the meantime try to take care of yourself and lean on your friends and family.

[poohbearfan]

Thanks again to everyone for their advice and prayers.

Words are so powerful aren't they?

I am taking things one day at a time. I am giving him his space and just going from there.

We'll see!! :)

[daparish]

More prayers and :pixie: for you and your family.

[MississippiDisneyFreak]

I know that when I was breaking up with my ex, it was easier to talk to people other than my family and closest friends....sometimes we need to vent, not a critique of everything that went wrong.....the above posts are right, you need to protect yourself and any children first...get an attorney and make sure finances are in order...if you feel your marriage is worth saving, counseling is a great idea....I hope things work out for you no matter what:sad:

[Jeri Lynn]

I do not have any advise but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you can find some comfort from your friends here at Intercot.

[mrsgaribaldi]

I'm so sorry :hug:
Prayers and :pixie::pixie::pixie::pixie:on the way.

[poohbearfan]

Well I did find out that someone else is involved. We know her. She is 10 yrs younger than he, has 4 kids (all under the age of seven) by 2 different guys, has no job, no vehicle, basically does not have a pot to p*** in or a window to throw it out of. He has for the past 11 years that we have known her always talked about what trash her and her family were and now they are texting each other "I love you". They have been "talking" for 1 month. He plans on moving the boys and I out and moving it and it's kids in. How's that for being a great dad?!?

The whole idea just disgusts me. I really think I am going to :ack:

[SBETigg]

I'm so sorry. What an awful time for you, and to add that insult to injury? The good news is that you will move on and get through this. He will be stuck raising four new little ones, supporting your children, and how long before the bloom is off the rose with the new woman?

What a startling disappointment for you, and for your children. :hug: Stay strong and know that you are far better than he ever deserved.

[MMouse6937]

WOW, that's just horrible. I really can't stand people that cheat, it's just such a deal breaker for me. I think they like the whole new and different thing that they don't see what they already have. I'm so sorry you're going through this :hug: to you and please know I'm thinking of you! Take care!

[Marilyn Michetti]

He's moving YOU out? Oh, honey, that's where I would draw the line. You have kids, and it's their home! Unless it belongs to him free and clear, I'd say, "we're staying - trash belongs on the curb".

(I wasn't always this sweet).:D

[poohbearfan]

He's moving YOU out? Oh, honey, that's where I would draw the line. You have kids, and it's their home! Unless it belongs to him free and clear, I'd say, "we're staying - trash belongs on the curb".

(I wasn't always this sweet).:D

:funny:

[crazypoohbear]

DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE.
Possession is 9/10ths of law.
regardless of whether the house is in his name alone or both or what. DO NOT LEAVE.
Then you will be the one who abandoned the marriage.
Tell him that he must leave and move to the dump with the rest of the trash
Now that you know that he has someone else and that he plans on trying to kick you and the kids out.

Go to the bank and secure any moneys that are there. GET A LAWYER/ Legal aid something to get your ducks in a row.

[Marilyn Michetti]

One more thing, then this old lady will shut up. It might not mean much to you now, BUT....

IF SHE CHEATED WITH HIM, SHE WILL CHEAT ON HIM. It's like Dr. Phil always says, "future behavior is determined by past behavior", or something like that.

Do NOT leave - it will be interpreted later as desertion. You left him, or so his lawyer will say.:mad:

[offwego]

I'm sorry to hear that, however despite any issues you may have with this woman I'd recommend keeping the high road in terms of refering to her (other than here of course) by any terms you wouldn't want you kids to know about.

While no one is by any means perfect one of the "stand out I'll remember this forever" moments of mine is my mother having the grace and class to invite the other women into her home when my brother passed on to be there to support my father. I have no clue what that "oh please you must stay he needs you so much right now" cost her along with leading her by the hand to a seat but that class is a memory I'll always have. If you have to walk in these shoes stand tall and proud in them and know it is no fault of yours what choices he's made.

(But don't leave the house! I'm just saying perhaps saying the trashy stuff out loud when you have kids isn't a good idea)

[Tinkerfreak]

I agree absolutely do not leave the house. Go see a lawyer asap and get the legal advice to go from here. You want to keep yourself and your children as financially stable as you can. He is the cheater, he is leaving the marriage, he needs to leave the house.
I am so sorry that you and your children are going through this. All I can say is that I truly believe he will come to regret his choice some day.

[DisneyOtaku]

I am so, SO sorry that you are going through this and you have my prayers and best wishes. I am going to agree with the others: DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. It's not right for him to get you guys to move out when he's the cheater. If the other woman doesn't have a place for him to stay, touch luck on his part then, isn't it?

[LauraleeH]

I'm so sorry to hear this and I am praying for you and your boys. It just disgusts me to hear what he is trying to do to your family. I hope everything works out.