Sad money

[Jen C.]

I'm wondering if any of you have heard of the phrase "sad money"?

My father past away in October at the age of 56. He was a functioning alcoholic his entire adult life. However, even with that baggage, he managed to go to work every day until he retired at the age of 51. He owned his own company and did quite well.
My sister and I were his only heirs~he and my mother divorced when I was 3. Needless to say, upon his passing we both became millionaires. We will never have to worry about funding our retirement, or how our children will go to college. I am 33, and my sister 31, so we won't have enough to live on forever and ever and never have to work another day, but we should be able to live an extremely comfortable life.
I have been experiencing immense guilt. We live in Michigan, which has been hit VERY hard by the housing crisis, as well as the automotive manufacturing decline. My husband experienced 2 lay offs in 18 months (he's an automotive machine tool electrician). Yet, we are living in the home of our dreams, and seeing many of our wishes come true. Meanwhile, friends and neighbors are suffering.
But my Dad is gone. We were close, and I miss him.:( I feel so undeserving of such financial "luck or "gain". I am very aware of how it came to be, and so are many others in my life. Their envy had led them to make many comments.
I would help everyone I could, and basically give it all away, but I have 3 small children, and I know that my Dad wanted me to be generous, yet take care of the kids, and make sure I could pass down to their kids, etc.
I decided to speak to a counselor who talked to me about the term "sad money". I think I understand it, but I'm just curious if anyone has any personal thoughts or ideas to the meaning and implications. Thanks.

[tinkerbellybutton]

No matter what financial position someone is in (and believe me, I've been broke before) they have no right to try to make you feel bad about having come into this money. People should realize that it came at a great cost. You have an incredible oppourtunity to make a great life for yourself and your children and should in no way feel bad about that. I have a dear friend who lost her son 2 years ago in the military. He was only 18. They recieved some financial compensation (I'm not sure but think it was quite a bit) they bought a new home, vehicles etc. You wouldn't believe what people said. Things like "I can't believe they are spending that blood money" etc. But you know, I noticed that the only people who said things like that were the peple who wanted to get a handout from them and hadnt. Do you know what I mean? No one who is a stand up human being would begrudge you the chance to be financially secure, no matter what their finances look like. As my friend said, buying a house, cars etc. would not bring her son back however, her son would have been extremely offended if they didn't enjoy what they were left with. I'm sure your dad would want you to provide for your beautiful children and take care of yourselves. That is, after all, why he left it to you. I know it will be hard to have a positive outlook about the things that you can do with this money but I hope you try. Every time you make a deposit or build your dreams remember that's what he wanted for you. :hug:

[BrerGnat]

Traci said it very well, so kudos to her. :)

I'm sorry that your dad passed away and you are experiencing these feelings. I can imagine how it must feel, but you certainly don't need to feel guilty about the economic status of everyone else around you and let them bring you down. There is nothing wrong with having sympathy for their situation, but it is not up to YOU to fix everyone's problems.

Now, I don't know you or your family or anything, but to be completely honest, I would probably sell that house you are living in and move somewhere new, so you can start fresh and live an enjoyable life, which is what your dad would have wanted. Leave all the misery (and its company) behind. Since Michigan's job opportunities are slim at the moment, perhaps look into moving somewhere that your DH can find work (so he can be doing something he likes rather than just sitting around all day). A lot of those feelings would probably subside if you moved somewhere where NO ONE knew you or your financial situation and how it came to be.

You are certainly blessed to have had such a wonderful, hard working, and successful father who no doubt, did it all for you and your sister. Honor him by taking care of yourself and your family, the way he took care of you. My parents are still alive, but they have made some major financial mistakes in their lives (same with DH's parents). They are all struggling to work just so they can afford to retire. If, God forbid, something were to happen to any of them, there would be nothing for them to pass down. My mother, however, came into a LOT of money when her father passed away, and rather than being responsible with it, she spent it ALL on "stuff". For her, I'm sure, it was "sad money". She has still not gotten over her father's death and that was 14 years ago...

You sound like a strong person, and I wish you and your family the best. :pixie:

[Kairi_7378]

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. Traci and Natalie have really hit the nail on the head here...



You are certainly blessed to have had such a wonderful, hard working, and successful father who no doubt, did it all for you and your sister. Honor him by taking care of yourself and your family, the way he took care of you.

This is the best way to memorialize your dad. Anyone who has said anything malicious about your inheritance has not only been rude to you, but has been disrespectful to your father's memory as well. Do not feel guilty. You did not plead with your dad for a handout. You are not responsible for the loss of jobs in the MI area. Your husband has had a rough time, job wise, but he is not being lazy by accepting this money. (As an unemployed person, I can understand some guilt about collecting unemployment or living off of someone else's money.) But you have done nothing wrong. If anyone else is rude enough to comment about your nice house or your comfort level, I would tell them that I missed my dad terribly and I was grateful for all of the memories that I had of him.

[ShelbyAD]

I am so sorry for your lose. The above posts are right. People shouldn't belittle you b/c you "came into" money. What if you had won the lottery - would they still be acting the same way?

5 years ago DH's best friend died. He left us $20,000. We used most of it to pay off credit cards and DH's truck. The rest we took our Alaska cruise. It was a bitter sweet trip. Yes, we have always wanted to go, but we would have rather have had our friend here instead.

I got strange looks from my co-workers when they found out I went to Alaska. They made comments like "oh,you don't have any money to go out to eat with us, but you have enough to take a cruise?" It was none of their business. They would make comments like that for a few months. Finally, I couldn't take it and told them "how" we got the money to go. They shut up after that.

[princessjojo]

I am seeing the very same thing happen with my father and my family but in a living kind of way.

When my grandmother passed away, she only had 2 heirs, my dad and his sister. But my grandmother had made, unfortunately, verbal instruction only as to what the intentions were for her properties, valuables, and investments. There was written direction in her will, and that is what my aunt adhered to. Long story...they both are very much well to do now, thanks to her though I would have loved to have 1 piece of her jewelry. But I see others now and in the last few years now asking my father to become involved in this charity and make donations to this fund, things they never wanted to speak with him about. One group who he offered to help many years ago by volunteering time, information and knowledge turned him down then, but now bad mouths him because he turned them down when asked for a large cash donation. My friends also say many cruel things about DH & I, that DH married for $$, and that we must be doing illegal things because our home doesn't reflect our "future" financial outcome or my fathers wealth.

I guess my point is that as easy as it comes, it can go as well. You can't be responsible for everyone and their lives. You could, depending on your feelings, develop a scholarship for those deserving and in need, allowing them to go to college. It would be your way of giving back to your community. I know my dad did this, but he placed stipulations on the money. The recipient must, as long as they were receiving the scholarship, complete so many hours of community service, such as a pay it forward type deal. It was in no way free money, but they had to write an essay on how it would open doors for them, what their plans for the future were, their plans for making a better community at home and to do something to make a difference in someone else's life. It really isn't a lot to ask for the amount of money he is giving them.

There were actually, last year 2 recipients who worked together thru college to complete the requirements. They pooled their money and lived very meager lifestyles. They were used to it. The remainder of the money they invested in their name. Upon graduation they cleaned up and rebuilt a playground in one of the poorest areas of our town. They did work on it all along, but were able to completely finish it with the returns on their money. The project turned out glorious. My kids don't have nearly the quality playground in our area.

Just a thought of a way you could give back...

Good luck, and remember that nothing is ever free. It always cost us something.

[Flower]

But my Dad is gone. We were close, and I miss him.:( I feel so undeserving of such financial "luck or "gain". I am very aware of how it came to be, and so are many others in my life. Their envy had led them to make many comments.
I would help everyone I could, and basically give it all away, but I have 3 small children, and I know that my Dad wanted me to be generous, yet take care of the kids, and make sure I could pass down to their kids, etc.
I decided to speak to a counselor who talked to me about the term "sad money". I think I understand it, but I'm just curious if anyone has any personal thoughts or ideas to the meaning and implications. Thanks.

Jen,

It sounds to me like you are doing everything correctly. That is a huge sum of money to come into, and you are still grieving for your father whom you recently lost.

You said it in your message though, your dad wants you to be generous, but still take care of your 3 children and have something for them to pass down as well. You have to consider you and your family first and foremost.

I grew up in a GM town as well and with the announcement of our truck plant closing next year (Oshawa,Ontario), there will be many GM employees out of work, not to mention the small companies that count on GM's business. One of the things that has really come up here of late is that for all of those workers, GM is all they have ever known - most do not have an education or degree to fall back on and will therefore have a hard time finding further employment. That really is not something you can easily change and you definitely can't help everyone.

I think it is sad that your friends are condemning you for finding wealth at the loss of your father. It sounds like you are being financially responsible and your dad would be proud. :thumbsup:

[offwego]

this sort of thought is why it's important for families to deal with these issues up front. (and Jen it sounds as if you and your sister and your Dad did despite his life issues).

While it's natural in such a challenged economy such as Michigan to have some people provide negative feed back I don't think you should feel you need to explain anything or justify your fathers and your responsible actions from his estate.

I think the fact that your seeking help to understand your feelings is a very good step. While Natalie (Brernat) makes a good suggestion you might feel that uprooting your family and children is not in your best interest right now and that's fine too. You may however want to look for a chance to get involved in different social circles so that the change in your circumstances isn't something you have to deal with.

[Tinkerfreak]

First of all I am so sorry for your loss.
Second HOW DARE THEY make you feel bad. You do not need to feel guilty at all. Take that money and build a financial future for your family. This is what your Dad would have wanted for you and his grandchildren. You are not responsible for his death or the bad financial situations of others so stop feeling guilty and don't worry about what other people think. I think you should book a special Disney trip for your family in memory of your Dad. It sounds like he loved you and your sister very much and wanted to provide for you so let him do it.
I have not come into any sad money but my DH and I are a bit better off than the rest of my family. It is because of our hard work and the fact that we are responsible with our money. The rest of the family have mad some very poor choices in their lives and are paying for it. I used to let it bother me when they would make rude comments or when they tease me about the car I drive or the new diamond DH got me for Christmas a few years ago. Then a couple of years ago I just had an Ah ha moment and realized that I can't change how they feel and that it is not my fault I am better off fianancially than them it is theirs so I just decided I was not going to let them bother me anymore and I don't. I say try your hardest to just let it go and enjoy what your Dad wanted for you.

[Hull-onian]

Sorry for the loss of your Dad. You and your sister must stand by each other. Make wise choices and oversee yours and your husbands future, and most importantly the children. We all wish you and your family well.

[crazypoohbear]

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.
You are doing exactly what your dad would want you to do. You are taking care of your children, just as he made sure to take care of his children. YOU are honoring him by making sure his grandchildren are taken care of.
Don't let the so called friends and neighbors get you down.
Walk around town, hold your head up high and enjoy yourself.
Having grown up with an alcoholic father myself I can only imagine that these same people who are begruding you now were talking about your father and his "shortcomings" behind his and your back.
Just make sure that when and if you spend the money on a trip to disney or a cruise or any vacation that you tell your children that "this is what Gramps would have wanted and I bet he is up on heaven right now watching you having the time of your life" Cuz that is what he is doing.

[bleukarma]

I am sorry for the loss of your dad. Don't let the comments of other people get you down. I have lately learned that I can't be responsible for the thoughts and actions of other people, only for myself. Once I realized that other people are the ones that have to live with the consequences of their thoughts and actions, not me, I learned to live a better life. You do what is right for you and your family. Let other people say what they think is right to say but don't let it get to you. Just know that you are doing what your father wanted you to do. You will know in your own heart if you aren't, and it sounds like you are following your heart the right way. Don't let other jealous people lead you astray.

[diz_girl]

I agree with much of what has been said before. You will be honoring his memory by making sure that your children are taken care of. Please don't think of it as profiting off his death. Your father wanted this for you and you are respecting his wishes by wisely managing your inheritance.

I've heard many times that when you come into a great deal of money, you should not make any major decisions for six months to a year after the event, to avoid having your emotions cloud your judgement. So maybe put off deciding your next step, such as a move, until the fall or even until next year.

In the meantime, if you haven't done so already, get a good estate planning attorney, so that you can set up trusts and other asset protection and investment vehicles for your family. If you get a Certified Financial Planner, only get one that charges a set fee for services rendered and avoid those people whose fee relies on invested assets. Also educate yourself about financial planning and investments to make sure that your making good decisions. One last word of advice that you probably don't need to be told is don't give anyone power of attorney over your money. It's a good way to see it disappear.

[Jen C.]

Thank you all so much for your comforting words.:grouphug:

It really means a lot to be able to "talk" to others about this issue that has been troubling me so. I am trying to everything the right way, seeing counselors, etc. I guess you are never prepared for what really happens. I'm also learning that you can't EVER prepare for others reactions. We do have a super lawyer, and have already made our own wills and trusts, so the money is most certainly protected. I think what I struggle most with is, before money worries were always present. I mean, we were never poor, but we certainly had to watch every penny. Also, we still have to watch every penny, but it's just so abnormal to not be "worried" about money. Of course we still worry about where it is, and how it's doing, etc., but not really worry.

Bottom line is...I will try to see this as a gift from my Dad, but the real gift would have been to have him around so long his money would've run out.:( I know this, so I suppose what others think is irrelevant. When ever anyone questions anything regarding our finances or purchases, I just feel like I have to say, "I would trade it all to have my Dad back." I'm learning that I don't have to say anything. I know, my Dad knows, and God knows. So thank you all. Such a funny thing...total strangers giving me some inner peace. I'm truly grateful.:cloud9:

[Bethis26fan]

I just wanted to say I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I agree with everyone else, but I just wanted to tell you I've very sorry for your loss.

[MsMin]

I'm so sorry for your loss and understand what you are experiencing. My dad is an only child and worked his life in the family business. Things got very complicated and when my grandfather died he left my gm in control of everything w/ trusts contingent to her approval etc.
Personally I struggled as a single mom w/ three kids going to school etc. but my grandmother believed that money might be wasted.
Unfortunately, after many years my gm developed dementia and I had to have her interdicted. Talk about guilt. It was very difficult but she was paying a guy nearly 300K a year just to bring her mail in from the street :eyes: not to mention providing apartments for people who would just take her with them to a casino and gamble with her money.
My dad who worked in the company most of his life was left w/o his share b/c my grandmother had control and wasn't healthy enough to abide by my grandfather's wishes.
It's a long story but 4 years ago I helped get everything straight which left more money than my dad could ever spend. Now my dad's health is failing and I struggle with his care and work to keep the finances in line. so I understand the sudden windfall and the bitterness many so called friends feel, (some family too).
Here are somethings to watch out for:
When guilt ridden and depressed so many people spend the money recklessly leaving them penniless and feeling worse. If your dad had wanted the neighbors to have it he would have left it to them. Trust me you can go through a couple million pretty fast if not careful. I had a neighbor who lost his dad in an accident and he has gone through the money in nearly 10 years :( Giving the money away or spending it to ease the pain will only bring more pain and guilt down the line. Sounds like you are on track and I'm sure your dad would want you to protect his hard earned money.
Next, the saying: money is the root of all evil... isn't far from the truth. You are already experiencing "friends" who are throwing guilt but there are other problems that lie ahead so plan to protect yourself from other problems with sudden windfalls or excess $$.
One, your marriage, everyone and I mean everyone who is healthy needs to feel they are contributing in some way. It's going to be tough for your husband to adjust to "your inheritance" he may have feelings of inadequacy etc. from his circumstances so make sure he feels useful. Maybe he can help manage the investments. We invested in property and I have managed a lot of the property at first by it was difficult with my profession and school.
Next ... the kids. So often children who have too much end up failing to learn about delay of gratification or how to set goals. You will help your children if you keep them on a budget and help teach them the value of money. It will help for generations to come. It's so sad when I see kids whose parents have given them everything and they turn to drugs, fast cars or drop out of school for the "fast life" Some of the most successful people have had a very hard life at one time or another so protect them from excess. It doesn't mean they can't have a big splurge from time to time but set limits.
It's also difficult to be fair when they get older. All of mine got cars and no one got tuition for school b/c so many of the grandkids had finished school and it wouldn't be fair.
We try to live on the interest so the principle remains intact. With today's economy our real estate has done well since it was purchased before the hurricane here. :hug:
Go slow and don't be too fast to give anything away b/c you have a family and people can guilt you into being penniless. A true friend wouldn't change with any amount of $$$.

[Cinderelley]

I'm very sorry about the loss of your father. Try to put it in perspective by trying to think of what you would want for your children. I'm sure you want them to be happy and free from lots of financial worries amongst other things when they grow up. Your father wanted the same for you. Don't let anyone else make you think otherwise. Real friends would be comforting you in this situation, not making you feel worse. Unfortunately, it is situations like this that teach you who your real friends are.

[dnickels]

Sorry to hear about the passing of your father.

Just something to think about, if the money is something that's going to make you feel guilty in the long term (or if the comments people are making is not worth it to you), what about setting an amount aside for each of the children (large enough to fund their education but small enough that they still have to be responsible working adults) and then donate the rest to a cause that your father enjoyed? If he loved animals, maybe a humane society or rescue group, if he loved the outdoors a national park fund or something else if his interests lied elsewhere.

I know people often want to provide for their heirs, but a lot of times that money ends up paying for things instead of a better future. Not saying that applies to you, I'm sure you'll raise wonderful children as I'm sure everyone else on Intercot does, :thumbsup: but as the saying goes "with so many special children, it's amazing that we end up with so many average adults."

[ckaranassos]

I lost my father when I was 20 years old, my mother was 47. Obviously it was a horrible time in our lives. My mother was fortunate to meet another wonderful man, and they were married for 10 years. After 5 years of marriage my "step father" ( the only grandfather my children know and the best darn "stepdad" anyone had) was dignosed with Lou Gehrigs disease. Long story short and a terrible death my stepfather passed away. My mother was left very "comfortable" between stocks and pension which will ultimately be left to my sister and me. It is the worst price to pay for comfort. Don't ever feel bad. You paid the ultimate price and no one and nothing can make that better. God Bless You!

[garymacd]

Your dad made the money for you and your sister. He wanted you to have it to take care of yourself and your family. He would not be happy knowing you felt guilty about this.

Don't give it away. You can't fix the problems of the world or even your state or town, but you can take care of your family. That's what your dad wanted.

Guilt is natural. I lost my father one year ago this morning. Two days ago I had deep feelings of guilt over his last few months and even my early life. But giving the money away will not solve it. Honour his passing and the sacrifices he made to make you comfortable.