I'm Nervous

[Cinderelley]

My parents divorced 7 years ago. It was really, really messy. Since then, my siblings have invited my mother to their children's important milestones, but my dad's been left out in the cold. Most of the time, they didn't even tell him about the things happening. In January, my niece got married, and my brother didn't tell my dad until the weekend before when it was too late for my dad to make it. My sister said that my dad was very upset. So, being the good daughter that I am, I've invited my dad and my mom to my DS18's high school graduation tomorrow. It'll be the first time that my parents have been in the same room since their divorce. In order to do this, I had to break the news three weeks ago to my dad that my mom got remarried at the end of last year. That went much better than I expected, and the next time my dad showed up, he had a new girlfriend. Any advice from someone who's gone through this?

[KineGirl]

Ive not exactly experienced this first hand but I went through it vicariously with my best friend and her parents. Their situation was similar to yours regarding the father not being included for several years for worry of the tension it may cause at big events between the two parents. Alls I can say is this - time heals alot of wounds. When they finally had the two of them (and their new prospective others) in the same room everything was fine. No they didnt run up and hug each other. They kept their distance and Im sure they disliked each other as much as ever (pretty messy divorce) but the love for the children kept things very civil. I cant help but think unless one of them is very selfish they wouldnt go out of their way at this point to act up and ruin your familys big day.

Good luck :hug:

[Cinderelley]

Thanks for letting me know that this can be done. ;)

[Tick-Tock]

It can be done. My parents had a messy divorce when I was 12, but they both attended graduations and recently my wedding. They just made sure they weren't both in the same part of the room at the same time. It was somewhat awkward, but fortunately everyone behaved themselves.

[Dakota Rose]

Absolutely it can be done. My in-laws had an ugly divorce but they're always at the family events and things go fine. One parent may be nicer than the other, and there might be some awkwardness, but it will be fine. And, by the way, kudos to you for doing the right thing. :)

[SBETigg]

My parents divorced when I was thirty (nine years ago). They've always attended Thanksgiving at my house, Christmas at my sister's, and all events for our kids. At first, they were just civil and coolly polite, but now they actually get along really well. My mother always says that once you have children together, you're always a part of each other's lives so you may as well get along. My mother's parents even invite my father to family events now. My mother remarried, my father is single but dating.

It depends on how your parents are willing to handle it. They've both moved on to new relationships, so maybe they're willing to put the problems in the past and be civil for your sake? I hope so. They're both still your parents, married or not.

[DisneyDog]

It can go either way. My DH's parents are divorced. His dad is remarried and his mom isn't, mostly due to health reasons. We all get together for holidays and everyone is very cordial (although FIL tends to be bitter behind MIL's back).

My parents are a different story. My parents split up when I was 7, and my mom is still extremely bitter about it. My dad left her for another woman and has been married to her ever since. My mom has been remarried for over 25 years, but still can't get past it. You can't even mention my dad or the town he lives in without her huffing and puffing. It's been awful, and now I have a DS5 who would love to have all of his grandparents around him at times like his birthday. I tried it when he turned 3 and my mom spent the entire party being angry and immature.

So, it's up to the parties involved. Unfortunately, you have no control over their behavior. I hope it works out for you, because it's nice for everyone when it does.

[tinkerbelle75]

My husband's parents were divorced when he was 12. We have been married for 14 1/2 years and when I married into the "family", his father was invited to NOTHING( not even his own daughter's wedding and the birth of her child, which I thought was absolutely heartless) because the mother couldn't stand to be in the same room with him and badmouthed him to all 3 of her kids.If I hadn't spoken up about it, he wouldn't have even gotten to see my husband graduate from college. I told my husband that he WOULD be invited to whatever we had going on and whoever didn't want to be an adult about it could just not attend. I made it very clear that I would not tolerate anything less than civil. It can be done, it just usually takes a grown-up to get it going. Good Luck, and you absolutely did the right thing!!:thumbsup:

[PirateLover]

It really can go either way... I know a family where the parents have been divorced for at least a decade and the mom has since remarried. The dad did not, but he still dates the "other woman" who broke up the marriage. Neither he nor most of his side of the family was "allowed" to attend either of his children's wedding receptions, despite the fact that he put substantial money into both of them, because the mom is still bitter and resentful. I find it extremely selfish to behave this way and split the family apart, especially when you've moved on to someone new. Just bury the hatchet!

[daparish]

Best of luck. Who knows, it may be the start of a new beginning for your family.

[hooberry]

My husbands parents divorced about 9 years before we were married, very ugly too. His mom had remarried although he didn't. They never attended any family events either, in fact my FIL missed his only grandsons graduation because his ex wife was going, what a shame. Any how when my husband and I decided to get married we invited both of them and said that weather or not they attended was on them, but they were both invited and it was up to each of them to decide what they were going to do. and can you believe , they even sat at the same table even though there was no assigned seating:). after that we always invited them to our family events and they both show up and actually get along. my FIL has apologized to his ex wife about some issues in their marriage and it has truly been an amazing turnaround.:mickey:

[Cinderelley]

Thanks for the stories everyone. Today is the big day! I've talked to my dad, and it seems like he'll be fine. Now I'll have to call my mom. I'm sure it'll be a great day!

[DisneyDog]

Please let us know how it goes. Maybe you'll give me hope for my own parents!

[WDWFanatic]

Hope it went better than you expected!

[Cinderelley]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the well wishes.

Things went very well. My dad and his girlfriend arrived first and went and sat on the right-hand side. My mom arrived about 20 minutes later and sat in the middle section. She left a little early, because my stepfather wasn't feeling well (kidney stones). We then went to lunch with my dad and his girlfriend who then headed home. Afterwards, we went to my mom's house and visited for a while. When my younger sister arrived, we all headed down to the motorcycle shop, where I got to surprise my DH with his graduation present. It was great!!!

[Jasper]

Glad to hear that it went well for everyone involved! Hopefully since you have broken the ice on this issue maybe others in the family will decide that it is OK to invite both of them in the future.

Just for future reference, if they are both at a family event in the future and start to snipe at one another there would be nothing wrong with you or another family taking them aside one at a time and reminding them that they are there for someone else and if they can't be civil to one another then one or both will need to leave. In fact, my wife has a brother who is in a similar position to your parents and when he wanted to start coming around again we had a heart to heart talk with him in advance and made it clear what would and would not be allowed and because he wanted to be there badly enough it ended up going VERY well!

[crazypoohbear]

Just saw this. So glad to hear that things worked out well for you. Hopefully this is just the beginning and things will get easier each time there is a gathering.
What kind of Motor cycle did you get him??

[Magic Smiles]

So happy to hear that things went well. I have been through that whole situation. I was the fathers girlfriend and now wife of 20 years. Both my DH and ex-wife have always been invited to the kids and some extended family events. We have even had the ex-wife, her new husband and the new husbands mother over to our place along with the kids to celebrate Christmas Eves. And us to the Ex-wifes place for other special occasions.
Near the beginning I was even invited to the ex-wifes nephews wedding, as the nephew had been close to my DH. Now that was weird as I had never met any of them and especially since I was pregnant at the time.
It took quite a while to get to this place, but now we all get along great. The ex-wife and DH kids even invite our DS to spend time with them when vacationing. To get along benefits not only the kids but everyone in all the extended families.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I'm glad that everything turned out well.
In a case like this, the parents need to understand that this is NOT about them. They need to get over themselves and celebrate whatever the occasion is and learn to be civil or be left out. You could have told them that you would take turns inviting them to the different occasions if they couldn't be civil.