Another bride issue....

[BelleLovesTheBeast]

So she has decided the wedding is on and has booked it for Oct 25. She has 3 bridesmaids/matrons. One coming from Ohio and me coming from Tennessee. She just sent me a message about the dress and when she wants it ordered by. Also she says she isn't going to have a rehearsal dinner...just the rehearsal.

How do I tell her it is proper etiquette to have a rehearsal dinner? That it's how the bride and groom thank the wedding party.

I wouldn't mind so much if I lived there but considering that I'll be driving 11 hours, paying for a hotel and paying for an ugly dress....

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[Tygger7]

Ok, I'm a Miss Manners fan...I read her columns all the time. While I don't necessarily "agree" with everything she says, I totally respect where she's coming from.

That being said, I've seen numerous article from her on "bridal etiquette". So, I'm going to channel her for just a bit...please don't take this the wrong way or get mad...this is just based on what I've read from her.

First, it is the groom's family who is responsible for holding the rehearsal dinner. That being said, it is not a requirement that they hold this as "payment" to the brides maids & grooms men. It would be inappropriate on your part to tell them they need to hold a rehearsal dinner. As Miss Manners would say, if you're in the bridal party expecting to be reimbursed, or if being in the wedding will cause you a financial hardship, gracefully thank her for thinking of you, but tell her that you would be unable to fulfill your duties as a bridesmaid, and that you don't want to put an unnecessary burden on her. Politely bow out, apologize, and encourage her to ask someone to take your place.

But bottom line, don't tell them they need to feed you. :D

[murphy1]

Having been in quite a few weddings (even as Best Woman in one), I have learned the best thing to do is just go with it, once you've accepted. I was a very low maintenance bride, to the point of asking people in my arena what they thought or wanted. Many aren't like that. The Groom's family may not be able to pick up that part of the tab I'm guessing? But it's still frustrating for you, I know. Good luck! Eat a bunch at the reception!

[jillluvsdisney]

I don't think you should tell about what is and was isn't proper. That's not really your job. Perhaps the groom's family or the wedding couple just can't afford it. I've read so many horror stories about bridezillas. If this is your worst gripe, keep your feelings to yourself or bow out of the wedding and give the bride time to find another attendant.

[BelleLovesTheBeast]

I politely asked her why Ben's family didn't want to have the rehearsal dinner. I did tell her that it's proper etiquette for the grooms family to have one as a way of thanking the bridal party. I've known her for over 20 years so I felt I could say this. She also recently asked me who paid for what with my wedding and this falls into that category. Now I'm just waiting on her response.

[Krystal_Rose]

It is usually the Groom's family's responsibility to pay for the rehearsal dinner. However, as a lot of others have stated here, sometimes it is just simply out of budget. I was in a wedding a few years back and the Groom's family could not afford to take everybody in the wedding party out for dinner. So instead, they ordered pizza and we all went to the reception hall to help out with the decorating. All the people in the wedding party completely understood, and we actually had a great time!

[BelleLovesTheBeast]

So I spoke with her this evening and she doesn't know anything about planning a wedding, who pays for what, who plans what, etc. and asked me to help.

So I'll be emailing her links to different websites this week to help her with this. I wish 5 years ago you could find this stuff online like you can now.

[tinkerbell04]

So what was her response about the dinner? Is she going to try to have one now?

[Kairi_7378]

It is not traditional in some cultures to have a rehearsal dinner. For example, my husband is Jewish. The rabbi who co-officiated at my wedding refused to take part in any sort of ceremony other that for the real one. In fact, my in laws had never heard of a rehearsal dinner. We did have a small one... but that could be a reason that the groom's family isn't planning anything. Is this a Disney wedding? Maybe you can make plans to do something with your family that night since you will be very tied up with wedding stuff the next day.

[offwego]

As we had the wedding at my in laws my mom hosted the rehearsal for us. But we only had immediate family in our wedding party. (my brother was my Man of honour and my FIL was DH's best man)

Sometimes it's hard to follow to the letter the "rules" as family roles and relationships can have such an impact.

[BelleLovesTheBeast]

The issue with her is that she just doesn't know. She's said this too me numerous times. She even asked me to make a list for her about planning, paying for it, etc. She knows nothing about etiquette or such things. I've caught her fiance a few times over the years correcting her. She didn't even ask me if I wanted to be in the wedding...just told me.

No it's not a Disney wedding. Her mother loves Disney but she doesn't. Has never seen an animated Disney movie. Only likes to go to Epcot to drink.

As far as money...neither family is broke. And neither family is religious - they never have gone to church. Her parents grew up in religious families and didn't want their children raised with religion and his father is atheist.

I did hear back from her. She received a phone call from his mother saying that they were going to be taking care of the rehearsal dinner and the liquor for the wedding.

[mickeys_princess_mom]

Her mother loves Disney but she doesn't. Has never seen an animated Disney movie. Only likes to go to Epcot to drink.
:faint:

[Kairi_7378]

I would suggest that your friend visit The Knot. It has many articles about planning your wedding, explains wedding planning etiquette, who generally pays for what, and what everyone's duties traditionally are. It has a free online wedding planner, which was helpful in making a planning schedule and STICKING TO IT.

I am glad that she has a friend like you to keep her on her toes.

[Jasper]

I know you say you have known the bride for 20 years and feel comfortable talking to her about things but I would also advise a little caution as well. The best way to help her is as others have mentioned by directing her to various websites, magazines, etc. that will help her. You would hate for your 20 year friendship to be blown away because she felt like she was backed into a corner by something you told her she "had" to do.

[BelleLovesTheBeast]

I told her about the knot and a few others. She told me she doesn't want to bother with looking up stuff and asked me to do it for her and to just email the info to her.

[thrillme]

Well it sounds like you're gonna be fed so problem solved.

It could have been simply that she felt guilty about approaching her family about this and awkward about approaching his. Perhaps she and her "intended" did not have the funds to feed all those people (I know that's why my current boyfriend and I are planning a very SMALL private ceremony).

If you want... you can email her the link to "The Knot" but if she's not knocking herself out to plan her wedding...then just take it in stride. It's AWESOME that you two can "talk" about this. (PLEASE keep talking...there may be something she'd like but is not thinking about) BUT...on the other hand a LOT of this stuff she could have EASILY figured out just buy buying a couple of bridal guides at the grocery store. They tell you EVERYTHING...this time of year especially many even come with a free PLANNER.

I think it's pretty well expected that when you say "YES" to being in a wedding you're going to expect to buy a dress. When I say "YES" I simply plan on the dress is going to run me about $200 and I'll never wear it again (For my first wedding I kept my cost to $80 for simple cotton spring time dresses for my girls, I paid for the flower girl and I told them plain white pumps of their choice...oddly enough...I felt guilty about having them pay the $80...but they were more than perfectly fine with it...they all even wore the dresses again).

I'm there to support my friend and take part in her joy of marrying someone she loves. All the rest of the stuff is irrevalant.

I've been in weddings that had rehearsal dinners and those that didn't. I honestly didn't really think anymore about those that had them or not other than I got fed and I LOVE to eat (unfortunately).

I guess I just always think it's kinda fun being a bridesmaid. You get to "stand out" (even if it's a goofy dress) and it sounds like you're gonna get free drinks :D

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

If she doesn't know how to plan a wedding this is a great way for you to step up as an attendant and guide her. You can help make this a very special day for the wedding couple. At least she's willing to take help from you.

[starryeyes21]

I know that there has already been a solution to your problem, but I just wanted to throw my two cents into the ring.

I am currently engaged and getting married in October 2008. Before I started this endeavor I had heard that weddings were stressful events, but I really didn't believe it. That was, until I started planning my own. It seems everyone has an opinion about the dresses, the shoes, the venue, the tuxes, the music, etc.

I recently had a huge problem with the dresses. I'm having a fall wedding and my colors are chocolate brown and gold. At first I was going to alternate these colors. Then the girls complained. Nobody wanted to wear the gold dress. So, I reconsidered and put my sister in the gold dress and everyone else in brown. She's my maid of honor and in the end it worked out because she liked having a "special color". Then, last week my future sister and law bought all her accessories in gold. My sister was upset that someone else had "hijacked" her special color. I told SiL to be that I would pay to have her shoe re-dyed, etc. That wasn't good enough for my future mother in law who called at 11 o'clock at night to declare me rude for demanding she re-dye her shoes.

It was ridiculous. So, I am sending out a general plea. Please lay off the bride. She has a lot on her mind. I juggle home, work, school, and planning this wedding. It's so much to deal with. I've been reduced to tears on more than one occasion by people who thought that they were giving "good advice".

[BelleLovesTheBeast]

It was ridiculous. So, I am sending out a general plea. Please lay off the bride. She has a lot on her mind. I juggle home, work, school, and planning this wedding. It's so much to deal with. I've been reduced to tears on more than one occasion by people who thought that they were giving "good advice".

I know how a wedding works. I planned my wedding by myself. I purchased 3 books on wedding planning and etiquette. I picked a color they all liked and I found a company that made over 70 styles so the bridesmaids could pick their own dress. That way they were all happy. At the time I was a retail manager working 50+ hours a week and picked up a second job 2 nights a week. So trust me I know how stressful it can be to plan a wedding.

We are talking about a bride who is cheating on her fiance, the wedding has been on and off, doesn't want to do the research herself and much more drama than I care to go into.......she just wants to married so she can say she's married.

[Kairi_7378]

Wow. It sounds like you're going to have some interesting stories from this wedding, Belle. I wish you the best of luck. I think that it is good that you are gently offering her suggestions about doing things. I didn't get the impression that you were giving the bride a difficult time at all. (I think it is sooo much easier to be a supportive and helpful bridesmaid after you have been married! You've been through the stress and now you can share your knowledge with the bride.)

[d_m_n_n]

We are talking about a bride who is cheating on her fiance, the wedding has been on and off, doesn't want to do the research herself and much more drama than I care to go into.......she just wants to married so she can say she's married.

:shake: I wouldn't volunteer to pay upfront for anything before it is absolutely necessary. Otherwise you might be out a chunk of $$$. Hopefully the groom wakes up before he makes a huge mistake.

[murphy1]

We are talking about a bride who is cheating on her fiance, the wedding has been on and off, doesn't want to do the research herself and much more drama than I care to go into.......she just wants to married so she can say she's married.

Okay, this cheating on the fiance thing is bothering me. Someone needs to tell the guy she is engaged to what I suspect he already knows, that he is marrying a cheater (obviously with proof to back it up).Why would you want to be in a wedding for someone that you know is cheating on their betrothed much less someone with such low morals. I'm just saying this, b/c I have ratted out cheaters before and think you seem like a person above this kind of behavior.

[BelleLovesTheBeast]

Okay, this cheating on the fiance thing is bothering me. Someone needs to tell the guy she is engaged to what I suspect he already knows, that he is marrying a cheater (obviously with proof to back it up).Why would you want to be in a wedding for someone that you know is cheating on their betrothed much less someone with such low morals. I'm just saying this, b/c I have ratted out cheaters before and think you seem like a person above this kind of behavior.

He knows! Why you would want to marry someone who's cheating on you or you are cheating on is beyond me. He even emailed me to ask for my advice. I told him to let her be and let her figure out what she wants out of life. They both have been cheating on each other on and off for over 11 years now. I don't understand the whole cheating thing.

Honestly I think that's what bothers me most. I don't get why they are even getting married. I'm just very frustrated with her. I don't understand her thinking. My friends keep telling me to just back out of the wedding but she's already had one bridesmaid do so and I'd feel terrible doing so.

Thanks to everyone that has been supportive and understanding. That's really what I need. It hard dealing with situation when I live 700 miles from her and doesn't answer phone calls and only half of my messages.

[Dakota Rose]

Kudos to you for asking her about the rehearsal dinner. If you really wanted to get nit-picky about it, (which you aren't being nit-picky at all) then you could point out that including out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner is also proper etiquette. Anyhow, I'm big on etiquette so I think you were well-within your boundaries to ask about the rehearsal and as it turns out, it's going to be taken care of. :) I mean, really, our society keeps bucking social graces and at this rate we're going to be back to caveman manners! (cultural and religious traditions over-rule etiquette, of course.) :)

[thrillme]

My friends keep telling me to just back out of the wedding but she's already had one bridesmaid do so and I'd feel terrible doing so.

Thanks to everyone that has been supportive and understanding. That's really what I need. It hard dealing with situation when I live 700 miles from her and doesn't answer phone calls and only half of my messages.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I too have had friends that I will support to the end because we have a special bond in there somewhere (even when it seems more one sided sometimes). Other friends have said I'm crazy sometimes...but "loyalty" is just part of me. On a POSITIVE note. Some of these "flaky" friends who have gone down paths I disagreed with...eventually most of them grew up and ended up in very successful marriages. Others have disappeared all together but I feel good about me.

Enjoy the food and drink. Enjoy taking a trip. Have a BLAST at the bachelorette party and tell no tales.